Are Black Men Judgmental Haters of Black Women?
I’ve noticed lately that more and more Black men possess a very judgmental, condemning attitude about Black women. The expectations these fellas have about Sistahs are not only unrealistic, they leave no room for a woman to be comfortable with who and what she is now, or what she wants to be in the future.
Repeatedly expressed are very rigid ideas of what a woman "should" do to gain his approval. These are ridiculous demands for stereotypical behavior that puts a woman in the position of supplicating loyal servant, and him in the role of King, even if he has done nothing to deserve to be on said throne.
Women (Black women in particular)… why does everything need to be a game or struggle for power? You won’t call unless he calls you. If you’re not interested you can’t be upfront and just say so? You won’t dress up, cook or whatever because he’ll think you’re weak. Seriously, WTF?
You complain that there are are no good men but yet give your number and in most cases open your legs to the first wasteman that comes your way. Do you not realise that in order to be with a good man you have to be a good woman? Tell me why any man who is intelligent, ambitious, works hard. keeps himself in good shape would want a women whose choice in men are nothing short of shocking, focus on material gains and can be seen in a night club almost every weekend.
For those women who have good jobs, think about what you did to get that job, the way you presented yourself, the research and work you had to put in, why then wouldn’t you do that to attract a good man, you think because you have a nice body, cute face and talk a good game that man is going come to you?
Think again sisters.
I seriously wish men would stop whining about what women do or don’t do that you don’t like. Women are not here to please you, we are here to please ourselves! Who told me that? Two wonderful, strong Black men that loved me to death. My father (that’s him on the left there), and grandfather to be exact.
Women raised by loving men have much stronger minds, and make more demands on men for performance. Most men these days don’t meet the challenge. They also get very angry at women for not giving them the reward they want though they have done nothing to deserve it.
Let me share with you point by point what Dad and Grandpa told me in reference to the letter above.
(Q) Why does everything have to be a game or a struggle for power?
My Answer Life is a game. Learn the rules and play to win. Break the rules when you can get away with it, especially if it helps you win faster. She who has the gold rules. Don’t ever let some man put you in the position of having to go to him for everything because then he has all the power and you have none. Always have your own money, car, etc. Power is earned, not demanded. If a man feels powerless because you are more powerful than he is, then he is a punkass and you pass him by.
(Q) Why is it that you won’t call unless he calls you?
My Answer: Why should I? Be the man dammit and do the man job. Pursue your woman. Don’t ask me to do the job of the woman AND the man. I will either be the woman and wait for you to be the man, or I will be the man which makes you what?
(Q) If you’re not interested why can’t you be upfront and just say so?
My Answer: If a woman doesn’t return your calls or makes excuses not to see you, I’d say that is pretty much all the answer you need. She’s Just Not That Into You! Ya betta RECOGNIZE!
(Q) You won’t you dress up, cook or whatever because he’ll think you’re weak. Seriously wtf?
My Answer: Dress up? I ain’t no Barbie doll! My Daddy said never start anything with a man you are not willing to keep doing. So, since I like to wear jeans and sneakers, or skirts and sandals with tank tops, that is what you are gonna get from day one. Same with cooking. I don’t even cook for myself every day, so what am I gonna look like cooking for some man, especially one I am not married to? You are the mere BOYFRIEND you don’t get husband privileges, homey. I am not going to cook extra for you because that is not my job as your mere date. I might cook if I want to, but don’t you dare EXPECT or DEMAND that I slave in the kitchen for your behind. Why don’t YOU cook!? I’ll wash the dishes.
(Q) Do you not realize that in order to be with a good man you have to be a good woman?
My Answer: Yawn. All men think they are good men. Women disagree. What is "good" is relative and not everyone wants "good" anyway. Good is boring. For instance, I don’t want no church going man. To me that is not good. I like men that don’t have a regular job – I prefer men with entrepreneurial spirits, who take risks and gamble. So some "go to work from 10-6, 5 days a week" postal worker for 25 years is not a "good" man for me. See what I mean?.jpg)
And who says a woman has to aspire to be a "good" woman by your standards anyway? Get out of here with that noise! Again, what is "good" is relative to the man who is making the assessment! Some men want a woman that cooks and cleans, others could care less as long as she rocks his world in bed, others want a playmate that travels and has fun with him. Shrug. My Dad raised me to never worry about pleasing other people or to care what they thought about anything with regards to me. Too many women did not get that message however, and bend themselves into pretzels with each new man they meet, trying in vain to be "good enough" for him. Ha! Women need to be whatever they want to be as long as they are happy and satisfied.
(Q) Tell me why any man who is intelligent, ambitious, works hard. keeps himself in good shape would want a women whose choice in men are nothing short of shocking, focus on material gains and can be seen in a night club almost every weekend.
My Answer: Well if he is all that, he wouldn’t be in the nightclub noticing that she is there too! So that’s a wash. They are both in the club almost every weekend! Anyway, if you don’t go to church, and you don’t do the online dating thing, how else would you meet someone?
(Q) For those women who have good jobs, think about what you did to get that job, the way you presented yourself, the research and work you had to put in, why then wouldn’t you do that to attract a good man, you think because you have a nice body, cute face and talk a good game that man is going come to you?
My Answer: With a job you get a check, a regular raise, bonuses, days off with pay, sick leave, and other benefits. You have a career path and a job description that, if it changes, you get MO MONEY. If you don’t like the job you can transfer departments or go get another job with 2 weeks notice. What do you get with a man that is so consistent and dependable and spelled out with room for growth? NOTHING.
See there are a lot of "good women" whose men cheat on them and lie to them. They are angry because they feel that they played by men’s rules and are therefore supposed to get rewarded with fidelity, love, commitment, passion and adoration. These are allegedly "good" men too, that work and go to church every Sunday, and are family oriented. What is a woman’s consistent dependable payoff for being a "good woman" all her life. NOTHING.
These are lessons learned from my father and grandfather as I grew up and was told about men, life and love. No, I don’t deal with knuckleheads on the regular, but I’ve dabbled. They’re very exciting and lots of fun! But you don’t fall in love with them. That’s my rule anyway.
But also I am not looking for a "good man" either. I just want a regular guy that takes risks, sometimes fails and makes mistakes just like I do and that has the courage to admit it. I want a man of intelligence that learns from his mistakes, and when he falls down he doesn’t sit around feeling sorry for himself, but instead gets up, shakes it off and moves on.
I want a man that is growing and changing just like I am.
I want a man whose mind is wide open to other viewpoints, foods, places and people. I want a man who lets me be me without criticism or whining, and who is strong and confident enough in his manhood that he is not intimidated by my greatness.
I want a man with dreams who is creating his own light; he does not get jealous and try to make me feel bad about myself because my light is shining bright.
I want a man who does not deny that he was a bad boy but who is mature enough to realize that to keep me, he best slow his roll.
I want a real person, not good, not bad, but some of both. I want a man who is yin to my yang, cream to my coffee. We compliment but are not alike and we are "good" for ourselves by our own standards and primarily, good TO each other.
Why can’t that be good enough for you Black man?
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Men's Issues, Society and Culture
Great article! I’m curious as to why there aren’t as many comments on this as your other articles.