How Long is Too Long to Wait for Marriage?
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am 27 years old with a 6 year old son. I have been seeing a man for almost 2 years. We have a good relationship, we love each other and my son.
He has been married before and says he wants to wait to marry me until he can support me and I can stay at home. His previous wife had an office affair. His only financial plan is script writing and I don’t know how long it will be before he can support me.
I make good money and like working. We are from different backgrounds, I am a White American and he is from Nigeria. This doesn’t affect us, but I just thought I’d mention it. I know he loves me, and I would like your opinion. My family and friends say don’t rush it. What do you think?
Signed,
Christina
Dear Christina:
You just have to decide if what is what you want. I mean, if you enjoy working and don’t want to stop, then you best tell him that is not the lifestyle you want to lead before OR after marriage.
Secondly, his plan for financial independence sounds shaky and unrealistic. I doubt that he wants to have a woman taking care of him financially, because no REAL MAN wants that. However, script writing is a highly competitive, hard to break into field for anyone, let alone a foreign born man of color. Since he’s from another country, he may not understand the reality of racism against the Black man in the good ole’ U.S. of A. It’s very real, but for some reason many people that come here from other countries like to pretend it doesn’t exist. I find that amusing.
And do not ignore the fact that him wanting you to stay at home because of what some other woman did to him is the first step towards isolating you and gaining full physical and financial control over you. I do not advocate this type of situation for anyone, let alone a woman with a child from a previous relationship. When men attempt to limit your autonomy and independence, you are being set up to be emotionally abused. Please review my recent article on the subject of Black men and emotional abuse here.
Lastly, you must decide how long you want to wait… what is your limit? Your decision must have nothing at all to do with HIM, this must be all about you at 27 with a six year old son, thinking about what you want to do with your life. Where do you want to be in three years… in five? If he insists on this singular goal and maintains it as his sole plan for success, it could be five or more years before he is ready for marriage! Can you wait that long?
And what if it takes him more than five years… are you going to continue to wait for him?
I think you should sit down and tell him what you want, and when you would like to see it happen. Ask him what his time frame is for accomplishment of these “goals,” or if this is just some vague crack dream he has you hanging onto that is nowhere close to reality.
Though you may not want to hear it, this “keep her on a string” thing is a common game played by men that want to maintain access to sex, comfort and convenience offered by an overly-giving woman. Women hear the words “love” and “marriage” spoken in the same sentence, and their brain shuts down. They lose all focus and hang onto those little words like a life raft in a storm, even though their man does nothing to back those words up. Gaming men sell naive women a dream of smoke and mirrors and never give her anything that she needs to feel secure in return. You need to be sure you are not falling into that trap.
You have to ask hard questions and get the facts here so you can decide whether to tell him you will give him more time or if will just cut your losses and move on. There is no reason to waste another 2, 4 or 8 years of your life waiting around for him to get his act together if you can see that it will require you to waste your youth and time on someone that has no intention of making your dreams of marriage and a family come true.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Dating Advice
Staying at home should be a mutual decision with advantages to your household not a response to insecurities.
I also think timelines for marriage are important otherwise as mentioned that goal can be the carrot hung in front of the woman.
Hmmmmm…be careful with Nigerian men! He maybe a stand up dude but watch out. And you say he was married? “Was” is questionnable. Was this marriage in Nigeria? If so he’s probably still married. Just saying. Broke men can’t afford divorces.
And script writing? Sounds very suspect.
Luv you Deb! You were nice;)
How racist of you SunnyDay to say that be careful with Nigerian men LOL Just because they get alot of negative publicity doesnt mean every last one is a con artist..in that case is it right then that black men in America are justified in their putting down of black women?no because not very last black woman is a gold digging ghetto woman.be careful of being stereotypical it is very offensive!
Deb I have to disagree with you, I am black not from America and sadly where I come from we are not educated on the African American struggle and the issues of civil rights in this country to the extent that Americans are..so when we come here we “don’t pretend racism doesnt exist” rather we are blind to it because we have not experienced it in the systems and societies in which we have been raised..until we get here.So racism is NOT universal rather it is a culture shock and a transition to foreigners who have not experienced it in the past.
With all respect Kim, I have met and interacted with hundreds of Africans from my college years onward, and they very much pretend that racism doesn’t exist. YOU may have a different stance, but your position is not applicable to those I met that would actually argue with me about it. It was unbelievable!
And when you claim that you are blind to something because you haven’t experienced it, what you are saying in essence is that in your world, from your perspective, it doesn’t exist. Just like I said.