Wireless internet is the bomb! Whoever thought of this stuff is a genius!
So here I am sitting outside Peet’s Coffee on Tassajara, enjoying this beautiful summer morning and thinking about men and wondering what is wrong with them. You know, the usual. I’m pecking away on a borrowed laptop writing this post, and waiting for a furious friend to meet me.
She’s angry at her husband and not talking to his ass because of something he had the nerve to say to her this morning. The conversation went something like this:
Angry Wife: “I just explained all that to you yesterday. Did you forget already? I swear, it seems like you never listen to me!”
Goofy Husband: “I do too listen… WHEN IT’S IMPORTANT.”
Does this guy have a death wish or something? I figured if she had a few laughs and a good cup of coffee quickly, it just might save his life. That’s why I invited her to join me.
I wonder when and where he lost his mind! It has to be something like that because no man with a brain still in his head would dare to say such a thing to his woman! I suppose he thought he was defending himself against her accusation, but what he was really doing was digging himself into a deep, dark cess pool type hole. His words effectively communicated the following to his wife:
- You may feel that what you are expressing and sharing with the man you love is important, but I will be the one that decides if your feelings are valid and your words are worth listening to, not you;
- I am filtering your words before you even say them to determine if they rate as valuable enough for me to bother with. Since you are a mere woman and everything you say is silly, I have decided that I don’t really need to listen to you when you speak; and
- Of course I don’t remember what you said since I never listened to you in the first place. Why don’t you stop wasting my time talking! I have more important things to do – like listen to myself breathe.
And men wonder why women file for 75% of the divorces in this country! It seems that men just don’t understand how important communication and listening skills are to the quality and duration of their relationships with women. Whether personal or professional, men need to learn how to HEAR women, not just the words we say but the message we are communicating about how we FEEL.
Speak Softly and Pack a Wallop
I dated a guy in my many-moons-ago youth that I discovered was highly auditory. I found out (through trial and error) that I could say anything to him – and he would listen and HEAR ME – as long as I didn’t shout. Speaking in a voice barely above a whisper worked the best. I could even say “you are the dumbest freakin asshole in the free world!” but as long as I said it in that low tone of voice, he would listen carefully. I could say “you are the sexiest, smartest, most fantastic guy in the world!” but if I shouted it, he would tune me out and turn off like a switch.
The normal, everyday guy (I’m not talking about misogynists, abusive men, or psycho crazies) wants to make his woman happy. That means that guys have to become comfortable with feeling. Most aren’t because they have been socialized to believe that feeling things as a man is bad. Ergo, listening to your woman talk when she might stir feelings you don’t want to feel is bad as well.
Men Are Trained From Infancy Not to Feel
Many psychologists believe that when boys are encouraged to be strong, not to cry, not to be sissies, or to show sensitivity they are being trained in a non-verbal, brainwashing method not to be “feminine.” I think they are onto something. If a boy is deemed to be “feminine” he is labeled weak, a punk, soft, a pussy or a wimp. How many times have I seen a young boy fall down and start to cry, then have some adult bark at him “Stop crying! Only babies cry! You’re a big boy!”
Yet if a little girl falls down, she is scooped up, cooed over with sweet words, and petted up until she feels better and stops crying on her own. From a very early age men are socialized to believe themselves superior to women in this respect, as women are deemed to be “too emotional” because they are in touch with their feelings and allowed to fully experience and express them.
Boys in urban areas then grow up and see their friends murdered in gang drama, prison beefs, drive-by shootings, or by cops. Some go to war and experience the same painful traumas. Others enter the field of professional sports, which also requires toughness and that a man not demonstrate feelings, give in to pain, or exhibit weakness or softness in any form.
Of course, the flip side of this training is that if a woman is feminine, that means she is weak, soft, a pussy or a wimp, which of course means she is not as good or worthy as a male.
Is it any wonder that men don’t listen to and talk over women?
A man needs to understand that when he gets involved in a relationship with a woman or has children, those people will want a closer physical and deeper emotional connection to him. They’ll want to hear sweet words of love, to have his full attention on a regular basis, and to feel that he is really listening to them. They will want him to open up, share how he feels, and to make himself as vulnerable to them as they are to him.
Most single guys don’t know how to accomplish these tasks… apparently not many married ones do either. Which means ladies, it is going to be up to us to say to our Chosen Ones over and over “I love you and I respect you. You are the man I’ve chosen. I want to be closer to you because you are important to me. I want us to be happy together.”
Plants and children grow when doused with love, and so do men. Love your guy in the way he needs to be loved, but insist that he treat you with equal respect and attention and that he provide you with support and courteously listen to what you have to say. Even if you are just gossiping about the neighbors.
Tags: advice for women, dating tips, male female communication, men don't listen, relationship advice
Category: Men's Issues, Society and Culture
