Domestic Violence Prevention Month – Murdered Women and Children

Nova Henry and 9 month old daughter deceased victims of domestic violence in 2009

There is a photo circulating around the Internet of 24 year old Nova Henry and her infant daughter lying side by side in a casket. Both were found murdered in a South Loop condominium in Chicago after she tried escaping from an abusive ex-boyfriend. Though she had a restraining order it did nothing to keep her or her baby daughter alive when they become the target of a fool’s jealous rage.

In January 2009, Nova Henry and her baby became victims of domestic violence, along with hundreds of thousands of other women and children since then. These women and their children have been slapped, kicked, punched, thrown against walls, burned, raped, and threatened which left them emotionally and physically scarred for life. Those are the lucky ones, at least they lived to tell the story.

What is interesting is how many women passing this story along focus on what SHE should have done, which was leave this guy. Reading comprehension skills are not the best amongst Americans, and it is apparent that they didn’t get the part of the news story where it said the woman had moved to a new townhouse in another part of Chicago attempting to get away from this guy.  The comments under the photo implore the women to leave… and “if you don’t leave for yourself, leave for your family…your children. Take back control of your life. Tell a friend. YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN.”

Like I said, that is exactly what she did. Thousands of women do that. Doesn’t save their lives though and it never does.

Why Put Sole Responsibility on the Victim?

Black women are also saying we need to properly vet these men. Not one of them said “Hey fools, stop beating the hell out of women and killing them and their children!” Black women are a trip sometimes when it comes to protecting and covering for black men.

Well, in reality ladies, these guys cannot be vetted. When they decide they want you, there is nothing you can do short of killing them. Even Steve Harvey admitted so on an interview about his book. In other words, many men are sociopaths – crazy, possessive and controlling fools. When they decide that what they want is more important than what YOU want (your freedom), they really don’t care.

A woman will not be allowed to just “walk away” because they feel a sense of ownership. To them women are property, to be controlled, to be dominated, and beaten verbally or physically into submission. Black men especially are very attached to the concept of “female submission” and think women are supposed to kiss their azzes and love them no matter how she is talked to or treated.

We don’t know if she had the resources to leave the State, but that is probably the only way she could have had a chance to be safe. Leave the State and get a throw-away cell phone to keep in contact with her mother, or use SKYPE or Google Voice – not a traceable telephone.

Sadly though, when you have a baby by a fool courts will order you to stay close and accessible because these men have the legal right to see and spend time with their child. Father’s Rights groups are filled with abusive, controlling men that use their rights to see their child as a tool to wage war on the child’s mother either with visitation or child support.

What Needs to Happen

There are six things that need to happen to change the tide of violence against women in relationships and their children:

#1 No one has a crystal ball, and there is no way to know before you date a guy a few time if he is a fool or not. So I must remind women to use solid dependable birth control method and do not have children by men that exhibit any jealousy or controlling behaviors. The very first time he grabs you, cusses you out, tells you that you will do what he says, that you ain’t going where you want to go, or he puts his hands on you, be OUT.  All the way OUT. Never come back OUT. THE VERY FIRST TIME.

#2 if you get pregnant by a man like this immediately get an abortion to eliminate all ties to him… that is the only way you stand even a chance of getting away from him safely. Even then it is risky if he is a real fool. The advantage though is that you can leave the state or even the country and stay alive.

#3 parents must be very clear with their children about the warning signs of an abuser so that your daughters can extricate themselves from these situations sooner rather than later. I recommend Sandra L. Brown‘s book HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN BEFORE YOU GET INVOLVED which also comes with a workbook. I interviewed her on my BlogTalk show if you want to listen to the broadcast; and

#4 Our nation needs more shelters and safe houses for women whose lives are threatened by violent abusers. Donate to your local battered woman’s shelter with money, household items, clothing for women and children that are sometimes fleeing for their lives with what they have on their back. School supplies, books, toys, dishes, towels, etc. to establish a new household are always welcome and very much needed.

#5 Educate yourself and your sons and daughters early about abusive relationships.  Have your young adults ask themselves if their partner does any of the following things:

• Embarrass and humiliate you with put-downs and name calling?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Force you to try and drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

#6 Listen out for screams – children screaming, or children crying loudly next door day after day. Listen for the sounds of things being broken and women screaming or crying across the street or in the downstairs apartment. These are your neighbors, and each of these women is someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, someone’s cousin or aunt or niece.

If their family is not there to help them, please do something. You don’t have to risk your life or property, but can you not pick up the telephone and call 911 to report what you’ve heard? The one getting beat obviously can’t make it to a phone. The one getting raped obviously can’t make it to a phone. The child getting molested might not even know how to use a phone.

Stop being so scary and make that call. You could be saving a life.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month all over the country. Learn about events going on in your area and how you can help raise awareness.

Resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1.800.787.3224

U.S. Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women

Fathers Who Kill and Why They Do It

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Awareness Project

City of Chicago Division on Domestic Violence

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Tags: abusive men, abusive relationships, black women and domestic violence, child molesters, domestic violence awareness month, how to recognize abusive men, violent men

Category: Society and Culture