Advice Young Women Need When Dating Older Men

| 10/03/2011 | Comments (0)

Younger women must be prepared for a possible future heartbreak that may leave them confused and bitter for the rest of their lives if their not careful. The following advice may or may not have been shared with you by some well-meaning family member or friend. If you are having problems as a younger woman understanding an older man, then take heed.

Older men have their reasons for dating a younger woman. A well-educated, wealthy, handsome, older man is not dating a younger woman for just mere shallow reasons like “she’s pretty and athletic” neither is an ignorant, poor, ugly, older man. His reasons may be even more complicated since he doesn’t have everything going for him like his handsome friend. If you are a younger woman with discerning family members and friends they may have already told you to “be careful” and they may have questioned your choice and asked you what does he want with you?

So what does he really want with you? Well you will have to get to know him in order to find out the answer to that question. Since many younger women are busily preparing for their careers, involved in various activities, and spend time socializing with friends, they aren’t spending a lot of time getting to know their older men. Unfortunately, it is very easy for the mature man to say and do things that may ultimately hurt his younger mate’s feelings in the end. Some younger men can and will do the same, but for the purposes of this article we will not be talking about them.

Do you know for a fact that your older man isn’t still married? Are you aware of the children he may have had in previous relationships? What about the bills that he won’t tell you about? Can he really take care of you like he has promised? Are you the only woman in his life? Have you met any of his male and female friends? How close are you with his relatives?

Let’s explore some of the reason he may have wanted to date someone 10, 15 or even 20 years younger.

Some men have admitted younger women don’t have as much “baggage” as older women. By baggage, they mean past experiences with men that have usually been negative. He is hoping that a younger woman will bring a physical energy to his life that wasn’t there before, more on that later. If he isn’t a parent already, he may be looking to procreate.

If he has a controlling personality, he doesn’t want a woman who is “mouthy” one who will speak her mind, an independent thinker. He also won’t appreciate the younger woman being close to family and friends. With some older men, their objective is to find a younger woman who is naive, and will cater to his every need.

This may or may not describe your man; however, a good way to find out is to ask questions, observe whether what he does aligns with what he says. Is he communicating with you about all sorts of subjects or just one or two like sex and music? Does he seem to be comfortable wherever the two of you go or does he seem quiet, distant not really interested in any thing except getting you back home? When you find an inconsistency in his statements and actions then you will know what kind of man you are dating.

There have been many younger women who have been deceived into thinking that an older man has more money, time, patience, and skill than other men. This kind of shallow advice has unfortunately come from people who have had good experiences dating older men. However, nothing could be further from the truth.

There are many older men who struggle with paying bills just like younger men. They don’t always have time on their hands to spend with their younger mate mainly when they are looking forward to retirement; therefore, he may be putting in longer hours at work. As for patience and skill sometimes they may have less of it than younger men simply due to the aging process and the time period at which he grew up. Things were really different back in his day. You, as the younger woman, will have to recognize and respect those differences.

Speaking of health ailments, men between the ages of 40-55 show signs of what some call “the male menopause” also known as andropause. This is a health condition that occurs when his testosterone levels begin to decrease. When this occurs, he becomes increasingly tired, moody, experiences hot flashes, a decrease in libido and other related conditions.

Some men also experience a mid-life crisis and when this happens he begins to think about the things in life he has accomplished and what he has yet to do. If he isn’t satisfied with how he has lived his life he may become depressed or he may overcompensate for his lack by doing things to make him feel better.

Some of the things he chooses to do may not seem practical to others such as buying the car he always dreamed of, dating you, leaving a marriage that he has been in for over ten years, dressing like people half his age, obsessing over his appearance, etc.

While he may be going through andropause, the women who he has dated in the past or the one he was married to may have been going through menopause. He may not have been able to handle her mood swings, hot flashes, vaginal dryness, wavering libido and all the other symptoms that menopausal women face.

Remember, earlier I told you he might have been looking for a younger woman with more physical energy? Well, another woman’s menopausal symptoms may have been severe enough to drive him into your arms. Rather be understanding of the aging process that women his age experience, he looks to find a younger woman who doesn’t have these symptoms. However, what he has forgotten, in his quest to find less baggage, is that women of childbearing age will have menstrual issues and if they become pregnant will go through similar issues that menopausal women face.

Find out why he really left his previous mate and if it was for reasons such as “she was moody or tired all the time.” If that is the case, then don’t believe that he will understand when you go through your menstrual cycle or become pregnant.

This information is vital to have when you are dating older men or think that they are better than men your own age. Know that if you should date an older man, there are shallow ideologies that you must rid yourself from thinking. Rather, go into your future relationships, desiring the following: “a man that will sincerely love me with all my faults, be patient with me, have hope for our future even in the storms, and respect the people whom I love.”

The money, fame, fortune or anything else you are seeking come with hard work and are shared with the spouses who are in the relationship for the long haul. Women who have sought men solely for these qualities may be riding in the limousine for a moment, but in time are kicked out with their bags left on the curb wearing humiliation on their makeup smudged faces.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," and "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on Examiner.Com, SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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