Crabs in a Barrel: Baby Mommas That Want Others to Suffer Too

. 10/05/2010 . 27 Comments

Young black women can avoid becoming a “baby momma” and instead accomplish great things in life. Decades of research shows that an involved, loving, dependable father can influence his daughter’s life in many positive ways. Thinking back on my own childhood and the relationship I had with my father, I can see a direct causal effect in how he helped produce the woman I am today. Allow me to share a few examples:

    • My intellectual abilities and academic achievement.  Though highly intelligent, my father didn’t go far in school. He frequently stated his expectation that my brothers and I achieve more academically than he did.  His mandate:  our studies were our top priority.  Straight “A” report cards were rewarded with a cash gift.  I can add up large sums of numbers in my head quickly and accurately to this day due to the spot “tests” my father would give… rattling off a series of numbers and checking our speed and answer.  He painted my third grade teacher’s house for free that  summer in exchange for coaching  me, which helped me to skip an entire year of school that fall. I learned about Chinese culture that summer through our conversations. My teacher took me grocery shopping in Chinatown and to the back rooms where the live animals were kept.  While she cooked and my Dad painted, her oldest son (a doctor) taught me a few words of Mandarin Chinese. A city kid, I’d never seen anyone kill and defeather a live chicken before! I learned how to make won tons, won ton soup and egg rolls that summer as well.
    • My family values.  Both of my parents come from large families of more than 10 children.  Though my Mom’s family was closest, my Dad always wanted my brothers and I to take care of each other. He preached that to us. We were a team, never to be broken, always to stand together and have each others back.  As a result we’ve never fought or tried to hurt each other in any way. I would kill someone that tried to hurt one of my brothers, and I know they would do the same for me.
    • My ability to analyze and assess situations quickly.  At the dinner table my Dad would throw out ideas or concepts, or things that were in the news, and ask our little child minds to come up with solutions.  We were challenged to assess and analyze motivations and behaviors… to see behind the message and understand what was really happening. He trained us to THINK fast and see the big picture, the real issues.  It was FANTASTIC training for the real world and helps me to this day in my work and life.
    • My entrepreneurial drive and fearlessness about jobs.   My Dad was always self-employed. When younger he worked as a carpenter, then he became a contractor and income property owner.  He would tell me things “like never get too attached to a job because they hire and fire at will over stupid shit. Those that think a company can’t get along without them are stupid because they will have a new body in your chair before your car clears the parking lot!”  When I was about 18 I got fired for the first time. LOL!  I was told by the owner of the small business I was working for to take care of his big ficus plant in the lobby. My Mom had one and I know how fickle those things are. I also knew I would kill that thing off quick fast and in a hurry. Anyway I don’t pick leaves and I don’t pick cotton. So I mouthed off and told him “no! I was not hired to be a gardener!” He fired me on the spot. I was all bravado and told him give me my check and “it better not bounce!” I gathered my things and left. When I got to the corner I burst into tears and used a pay phone to call my Daddy who was still at home that morning.  He said “Are you all right?” Yes I guess so I choked out.  “Did anyone hurt you… anybody touch you?” No I said sniffling and feeling sorry for myself.  He said “Okay then.  Good!”  What? My tears dried up instantly because that was NOT what I was expecting to hear. How can it be good that I got fired? He said these words to me that I will never forget: “Now that you know what it feels like to be fired, and you know you will survive it, no one will ever be able to use the threat of firing you. You are now what businesses hate – a person they have no power over.  You are a person that isn’t afraid to stand up for herself and who doesn’t give a shit if you work there or not, so they are gonna have to deal with you in a totally different way because you have no fear.”  Wow.  Well that was a Thursday and I had a new job that was much better by the following Thursday. That was the best lesson I could have ever learned about working in corporate America and I’ve never looked back.
    • My confidence, free thinking independent mind,  and fortitude.  The only time I remember getting a spanking from my father (I’m sure there were others but I remember this one!), I came home from school saying I wanted to do something kind of out of character. I was probably about 10 years old.  My Dad asked why I wanted to do it. I made the fatal mistake of saying “because ALL THE OTHER KIDS were going to do it.”  He beat my little ass! Told me “don’t you EVER come in this house and tell me that you are going to do anything because everybody else is doing it! If everybody else is jumping off the bridge into the Bay, you gonna do that too?” Hey hey hey! I get it Pops!  Never made that mistake again!  Always encouraged to think about things in a nonconventional manner, I am a questioner of the accepted way, rhetoric, widely held beliefs.  I am strengthened by using my own brain to analyze situations and make decisions. I don’t follow other people’s thinking, path or opinions – I follow my own. I also know there is nothing in this world I can’t accomplish if I put my mind to it.  My father taught me that.
    • My beauty, grace and feminine charm.  When I turned 12 I had a birthday party.  Quite the little lady, I had my first boy/girl party where we actually danced with the boys… like real couples dancing!  Of course there were plenty of parents there as well, and we all had a good time. Right before it was time for me to cut the cake and open my gifts, my Dad came home with three boxes, some roses and a card.  He was a little embarrassed and left after dropping them off, saying he had to get back to work.  But the card said “You are now a young lady, and I’m so proud of you.  I wanted to be the first man to give you roses, candy and jewelry.  Love, Daddy.”  In one box was some See’s candy, in another a pair of jade and gold earrings, and in the third a “SORRY!” game.  I still have the earrings and card; I cry every time I read it.

 


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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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