Beware of the Verbally Abusive Man Hiding in Plain Sight
It really doesn’t matter why a man is verbally or psychologically abusive towards females, nor does it matter if the undercover abuse is purposeful or not, the damage to a woman’s self esteem and emotional stability if she listens to that bullshit is exactly the same, and it can be quite considerable.
I’ve found that women who repeatedly get involved with these undercover abusive men have typically personally experienced or witnessed abuse within their environments during childhood. Repeated exposure to domestic violence between the parents, or suffering of childhood sexual abuse or battery herself tends to normalize abusive behavior in adult relationships.
A woman may quickly recognize and easily draw the line at physical abuse which involves being slapped, punched or pushed around. We all know what THAT type of abuse looks like! However, women from an abusive background are not usually as alert to more subtle signs and signals of psychological and verbal abuse the way a “healthy” woman would be.
If you think you might have this recognition problem, this video can teach you how to recognize unacceptable abusive behaviors early in a new dating relationship, before you get too deeply involved and before you get hurt. You’ll be able to quickly extricate yourself from unhealthy relationships and interactions with sick men that are no good for you or even for themselves.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture
This is wonderful and more women need to hear this.
I have been in many of these relationships. Why, I have yet to figure out. My Dad was not like that. He had a very cool laid back personality. So do I. The men I attract appear to be cool and laid back initially. Later in the relationship, after the first 6 months, the beast appears. First, they yell at the drugstore cashier, for example, next someone at work, next me. For some reason they claim is important, I say it is just an excuse to yell at me in front of other people. I let him know that behavior is unacceptable. I receive a half apology, that lasts until the next time. This most recent one is a business and personal partner. Unfortunately, there is too much at stake to just walk away now. But, I know I will in the future because as I told him, half apologies are a temporary fix.
Denise: “ Unfortunately, there is too much at stake to just walk away now. But, I know I will in the future because as I told him, half apologies are a temporary fix.”
Denise please re-think your association with this verbally abusive person. Research shows that continued verbal abuse is a prelude to physical abuse. I hope you can extricate yourself from this poisonous situation with this knucklehead jerk with all haste. And in going forward, look at the warning signs of these guys. Go by what they DO, not what they ‘say’. An apology isn’t worth the effort it takes to utter the words, when the behavior continues. They aren’t sorry they are doing what they do, they’re just ‘sorry’ you’re upset with them which might mean they may not get any sex that night. And if the jerkoff would stop behaving so terribly towards you, they wouldn’t have to continue to apologize. Please place yourself in a healthier situation.
Words are powerful! The emotional and psychological scars left behind after dealing with someone who has abused you verbally leaves one much more damaged over a longer period of time than physical scars. A lot of men seem to be angry these days at black women. A lot of men are using cyberspace to spew their hatred of black women when they really should be sitting on a therapist couch getting psychological help for their unresolved issues from their formative years.
A lot of women seem to be angry at black men. A lot of women use cyberspace to spew their misandry at black men when they should be sitting on a therapist couch getting psychological help for their unresolved issues from their formative years.
Verbally abusive men and women occupy the same spaces. Let’s not give verbally abusive women a pass.
Simon: “A lot of women seem to be angry at black men. Verbally abusive men and women occupy the same spaces. Let’s not give verbally abusive women a pass.”
Check out the stats on this website: Bureau of Justice Stats and see the high number of homicides against women and children by men. Verbally abusive men become physically abusive men. It’s the men who are killing up women and kids, shooting up random people because of their hatred of women. BTW, no such thing as misandry that’s a made up word (maybe only recognized in the ‘urban dictionary. In a patriarchal society misandry doesn’t amount to anything.
Heck yeah women in 2010 are angry at men. They have every right to be! Men for so long in this society have gone unchallenged by women who have shed silent tears, and put up with unacceptable behavior by men for eons and not said a word because they were socialized to ‘let a man be a man’ and do his thing, they were rendered powerless by male privilege and she was expected to shut up and put up‘. Now in 2010, women are asserting themselves and speaking out about men and their double standards and behaviors and judgemental ways.
Men can’t stand this. They are used to bad mouthing women, holding women to a double standard while not holding themselves accountable for anything. Men have gotten away with this ‘ish’ for eons. It was the woman who was castigated, called out, talked about and negatively judged ‘based on men’s privilege and double standards’. Now that women are calling out men, they want to whine and complain. They can dish it out, but don’t want to take their own behavior when they’re on the receiving end of it. This knucklehead featured in this article is a prime example of black male privilege. He should go somewhere and kick rocks, yet he feels entitled to ‘talk negatively about women after he’s been a dawg for most of his young adult life having unprotected sex, spreading disease and sperm having kids out of wedlock.
Years ago, women would be held solely responsible for ‘his’ behavior. Males would point fingers at the woman and blame her for being ‘loose‘ while not holding the man accountable at all. That was then and this is now. Women are waking up to how men have had it for eons and speaking out about it. You guys call it being verbally abusive. Of course it seems abusive to you. You’ve gone from being praised and lauded and not held accountable for your actions, to women calling you out for those actions.
Misandry means hatred of males, see Dictionary.com.
I’m well aware of the statistics. The male perpetrators should be brought to justice, femicide can’t defended. The guy featured in the video is an idiot and vasectomy is mandatory for him.
Women have a right to be angry. Yet, women must be responsible for their actions as well. Two dogs can’t complain about the world for their actions. Men must be held accountable for their terrible behavior towards, and, women must be held accountable toward men for terrible behavior.
How do you explain the fever pitch attraction of women to abusive men? I think it reflects the worst in women. Just as men have a fever pitch attraction toward abusive women.
To deny the existence of verbally women is dishonest and a double standard.
Simon: “Women have a right to be angry. Yet, women must be responsible for their actions as well. Two dogs can’t complain about the world for their actions. Men must be held accountable for their terrible behavior towards, and, women must be held accountable toward men for terrible behavior.
How do you explain the fever pitch attraction of women to abusive men? I think it reflects the worst in women. Just as men have a fever pitch attraction toward abusive women. To deny the existence of verbally women is dishonest and a double standard.”
First: We don’t need you Simon telling women, what they have a right to do or not do. Also stop trying to flip this topic around on women. Stick to the topic at hand which is the verbally abusive Man hiding in plain sight. Why is it whenever there is a topic about men and their abusive ways towards women, men want to avoid discussing it and instead attempt to flip it on women? That nonsensical statement about ‘dogs can’t complain about their actions is misplaced. You are assuming that both people are at fault and attempting to ‘blame the victim when you don’t even know the individual circumstances.
Typical males like yourself cannot stand for women to call out men for their inappropriate behaviors towards them. You expect women to shut up and continue to take abuse from men and refrain from discussing behaviors in order to bring about understanding, empowerment and prevention. The minute women start speaking up about it as a collective, here comes some man attempting to shift the discussion away from the topic because you don’t want to address it. How is avoiding discussing the verbally abusive man’ doing any good for women? As for your question about ‘fever pitch attraction of women to abusive men, you erroneously assume that ‘men wear placards projecting their abuse to women initially and often that is not the case. People show you just what they want to show you and only ‘time’ and circumstances reveal the many facets of people. People reveal themselves in layers, and it is up to the folks involved to be discerning and spot the red flags and make decisions accordingly.
However none of this ‘ish’ you bring up detracts from the topic at hand which should be addressed as it is much more prevalent and harmful than physical abuse. More women suffer from verbal abuse at the hands of their spouses/boyfriends. These aren’t usually your garden variety RayRay thugs. They can be ministers, doctors, lawyers, postal workers. They come from all racial and socio-economical walks of life and not always easy to spot initially. And sometimes life changing circumstances brings out the ‘bad side of people. Plenty of marriages went bust when the man lost his job and couldn’t handle unemployment and took his anger out on his family. (So you don’t know what you’re talking about with that silly ‘fever pitch attraction and 2 dogs can’t complain statement).
Any type of man with gumption and who actually liked, respected, and supported women, would be in agreement and advocate women learning about verbal abuse and avoiding it in their lives. But typical whiny men get defensive and can’t stand for women to say anything against men, even if it doesn’t apply to them, they take it personally. I would imagine brothas of this mindset (who should be avoided), would find a justification for trying to ‘hush’ women up for collectively discussing other negative abusive behaviors women should avoid of such as physical, sexual, con artist abusive man hiding in plain sight.
These males are the one whining, “Well you can’t talk about these men you should talk about the women”. See males of this ‘ilk’ aren’t concerned with the terrible behavior inflicted on women at the mercy of men, they are just concerned with ‘sticking up for their gender. It’s the old ‘bros’ before ‘hos mentality. Men like you Simon talk like this until it hits close to home and a female loved one is subjected to ‘verbal abuse by some man, then let’s see you tout those ‘‘two dogs can’t complain about the world for their actions BS then.
I say to women, Let men like Simon be a warning of another type of man to be wary of and avoid: Beware of the sexist man who expects women to be quiet about negative treatment they receive from men and expects women to refrain from even discussing it if it shows men up in a negative light. A man like this would never be supportive or empathetic towards women.
If you can’t address the topic at hand Simon, ‘Beware of the verbally abusive man hiding in plain sight, don’t bother to come back on the thread to comment. Go somewhere else and start your own topic on another subject. SCRAM!
First: I support women against verbally abusive men. My female friends affirm it consistently and seek my advice on how to avoid such men. Yet, are perplexed by girlfriends dating, having children and even marrying these men. Two women I know, posit, that men can be softened or conquered through sex. Hence my question.
Second: I welcome objective and critical discussion about men’s inappropriate behavior toward women. However, inquiring why women are attracted to these men doesn’t detract from this discussion. Feminist and non-feminist women have given me honest answers to the question, which I respect. They undertsand its part of the discussion, albeit minute. Obviously Raz does not.
Third: Typical assumption of females like you assume men don’t appreciate and support women for calling out men’s inappropriate behavior toward them. Just like your erroneous assumption about the word Misandry. I applaud women for standing up to men for abusive treatment and stand in solidarity with them. My nieces are beautiful, intelligent, feminist women that take no shit from men, due to loving fathers and uncles who taught them about standards and expectations for the men in their lives. Handgun training and certification and ownership and Krav Magda self defense classes are part of the above.
Fourth: I don’t defend men on the basis of gender, another erroneous assumption. I’ve seen domestic violence in my family, close and personal. The perpetrators were dealt with harshly. Yet, both aunts continued to live with sorry abusive nothing ass men.
Furthermore: Teaching women how to avoid verbally abusive men is imperative.
Finally, sexist men, sisters of patriarchy and bourgeois feminists abhor my politics. Bourgeois feminism be it: conservative, liberal, reform is no threat to patriarchy because seeks equality with white men only. Gloria Watkins’ statement is correct.
Simon: “First: I support women against verbally abusive men. My female friends affirm it consistently and seek my advice on how to avoid such men. Yet, are perplexed by girlfriends dating, having children and even marrying these men. Two women I know, posit, that men can be softened or conquered through sex. Hence my question.”
I’m glad to hear that you are supportive of women against verbally abusive men and now reading your second comment, I understand where you’re coming from in your question (something that wasn’t clear in your first post). A lot of women erroneously think that sex can get and keep a man and change his ways. These are women who really have no idea about relationships. They simply don’t know. People don’t come into this world automatically knowing how to have a healthy relationship, that is a learned behavior and often they ‘learn the wrong way, having grown up watching how others conduct their relationships. I would suggest you advise these two women that sex does not do those things. A man changes because ‘he’ wants to change, and not because someone else wants it.
Simon: “My nieces are beautiful, intelligent, feminist women that take no shit from men, due to loving fathers and uncles who taught them about standards and expectations for the men in their lives. Handgun training and certification and ownership and Krav Magda self defense classes are part of the above.”
Excellent, I applaud the fathers/uncles who took your nieces in hand and taught them to defend themselves. Unfortunately we don’t have more fathers like this and women often grow up without fathers, that leaves a gapping hole in their lives that plays out in their adult life whenever they interact with a man. Then there are abusive fathers/stepfathers that have a negative impact.
Simon: “I’ve seen domestic violence in my family, close and personal. The perpetrators were dealt with harshly. Yet, both aunts continued to live with sorry abusive nothing ass men.”
This sounds like a classic case of ‘battered wife syndrome read up on that if you’re not familiar with it.
Simon: ” Teaching women how to avoid verbally abusive men is imperative.’
YES INDEED! Now I understand where you’re coming from on verbal abuse towards women Simon with your clarification in your rebuttal comment