The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely

What a load of hogwash. The church is not to blame for women (or men for that matter) remaining single or lonely.  Whomever wrote this article clearly does not understand the true purpose of the church (regardless of race.) The church is NOT a singles bar. There is one reason and one reason only for attending: worship and spiritual guidance. These attacks on the church are not only rude but ridiculous. If one is having problems finding a mate, they need to take personal responsibility and quit blaming other people and entitites. Besides, this article pretty much purports that there is something inherently wrong with being single when it isn't.  Better for the Black woman to be in the church than out barhopping or desperately chasing men. If they are doing it in a church setting then they need to stop it. It's that simple.

This article is SOOOOOOOOO on time!!! You are the first person I've ever known of (especially a black female) that has the strength or nerve to speak out against the Black church. I commend you Deborrah. Why Black women don't understand their history or know that Christianity is the slave master religion we were taught to keep us under control is amazing to me.

This article disturbs me because there are so many misperceptions that are presented as truth.

1) "A church is nothing but a building..." Throughout the New Testament in the Bible, God refers to the church as a body of believers; those who have accepted Christ and are now willing to fulfill the Great Commission while here on earth.

2) “Going to church is a waste of time…” and “…women that remain single are deemed to have some major flaw in attitude or ability…” You make the assumption that the only reason a single, black woman goes to church is to find a man. While this may be true for some misguided women out there, many of us attend worship services (not, “go to church”) for the purposes of worship and fellowship. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:8-10, Paul encourages Christians to stay single since so much more can be accomplished within ministry. If single women are deemed flawed, this a worldly standard, not a biblical one.

3) “…if a young, handsome, strapping man is in church every Sunday, there is something wrong with him…” This just sounds like bitterness being taken out on our black men. While there is some truth to there being all types of men attending church, I find it disheartening that a woman who seems set on advancing the power of black women, would take it upon herself to totally strip our black men of their pride and dignity. This statement is a disgrace to those black men who have chosen to follow Christ for the sake of their own salvation. When was the last time you actually attended a worship service to see these men for yourself? Secondary research can only tell you so much…

4) Equating submissiveness with passivity – You assume that submission means that all Christian wives will be barefoot and pregnant, without a mind of their own. Let me just list a few of the women in the Bible who were anything but:

Deborah (your namesake) – prophetess and only female judge of Old Testament Israel. Her name means “fiery spirit,” and it was ONLY after Deborah agreed to accompany him, did Barak agree to battle the Canaan leader’s army.

Esther – queen of Persia who singlehandedly saved her people from genocide through wisdom and courage.

Ruth – chose to honor her mother-in-law by staying with her, and because of her actions, eventually became the great-grandmother of King David, whose genealogical line is directly related to Christ

Proverbs 31 woman – the standard many Christian women wish to uphold. Yes, she takes care of her family, but she is also a businesswoman, a woman of social responsibility, and a respected woman of society. It is because of her that her husband is recognized within the city, not the other way around.

I know that I’ve used scripture to back me up, and I don’t expect you to lend much credibility to that; but you have your research, and I have mine. After reading this article, my prayer is that you don’t discourage too many women out there who are striving to live a life for Christ with such a close-minded point of view. The next time such a general assumption is made about black women and the church, try talking to those of us who are actually single, black, female, and living our lives for Christ and not for those in the world who think they know what we need.

Although I agree with a lot of what you have said here, my issue is that many - both men and women - can't afford to blindly follow anything, including church of any color or denomination. Black churches alone are not to blame for this but laziness! Many go to church and depend on the "men" behind the pulpit to give them step by step directions to every aspect of their life. That is NOT how God intended it. When we go to church, we are to trust the man/woman of God to guide and direct them to scriptures, teach us how to pray, develop a relationship with God for ourselves, etc. Even Jesus said that man cannot live by bread alone, but from every word out of the mouth of God. If you have a relationship with God for yourself, then you know how to eat the meat and throw away the bones.

You might be called a rebel, you might be seen as a loner, or whatever but God should be the leading and guiding force behind all of us who consider ourselves people of faith. Men/women have faults just like we do and if you solely relay on their understanding of what they have read and studied, then you are in trouble from the beginning.

There are a lot of reasons that so many black women have never been married, and the church may be one of the ingredents, however our attitude, willingness to compromise, maturity, willingness to deal and create unnecessary drama, the what about me issues, and on and on. It's easy to blame the church, but the church can only teach what it knows! What about the other aspects of the woman's life?

The Bible says "study to shew THYSELF approved unto GOD!" Before we start blaming the church, spend some quiet time with God so that HE can mold, shape, and instruct us on the women that we were called to be in HIM, not who our girlfriends, mother, father, or even our pastor thinks we ought to be!

Peace!.

I read the article, and was a little overwhelmed. I believe to solely pin an article siting the Black Church exclusively involves an improper stereotype since we have not been privy to all Black churches.

Properly taught husbands and wives accomplish an extraordinary amount together by submitting and serving one another. And because we are spirit beings, we serve God!!!! Serving is a sign of strength, not weakness.

While I understand that my head is not in the sand and I acknowledge that there is manipulation that goes on in churches, it also goes on in every facet of life that you find human beings. I am a father of a young adult who serves and loves God, my wife and I encourage her to be well rounded in every area of her life. Having a proper balance. I believe that the article should have the same tone; (Proper Balance). The black church is filled with save brothers who honor woman and are extremely successful and are awesome fathers. There is always two sides to every story.

For every sister that agrees with your article, there is another sister that disagrees. The objective to life is love and serve each other and we won't need room for selfless or selfishness.

The church that I attend is running over with single black females who are desiring a mate some day. and because these women out number the men in my church to the 3rd power they sometimes find themselves cheating with the married men in the church. I don't think that Ms. Cooper is sayin forget GOD and the Church. She is clearly stating that women in the church often find themselves waiting for 10 to 20 years waiting on Mr. Right to come through the church doors and their Mr. Right my never come through the church doors.

As a faithful church goer, I agree with your article. As a younger member of a church my odds of finding someone to marry and mate with are slim in that setting. 50 women to 1 man does not work for me. And yes, many, not all, but many of the faithful attending men have issues or wives that bring them. We must go beyond the walls of the church to allow that man to find us and make a connection. And you are correct in saying, what healthy, stable, and emotionally healthy man is going to be beat down verbally by a book and a pastor each week?! I love my church and love going but I am not too blind to realize that I need to look beyond it to find my mate! Thanks for the article!

I agree with most parts of the article. I love God but I don't regularly attend church. I think too that most people put waaayy too much on emphasis on going to church but God is and lives within us. My wife goes every Sunday and gets mad when I don't then she comes home and tries to make me feel bad because I didn't go, says that I am going to hell,etc.. I am happy everyday but my wife is most always tense or in a bad mood. I always ask the Sunday morning Christians how they think God felt about the way the lived the other 6 days of the week. People quote recite scripture well but can't tell you what the scripture meant. Organized religion really keeps people mostly confused. My wife and I often argue about church, I believe the basis of religion is one having a personal relationship with the Lord, not your pastor or church members. My wife and others tell me that just because they to they get a blessing or they are more spiritually connected than I am and that's not true, I know where I stand with Him, they think they know where they stand but they really are not sure!!

Deborah, thank you for this article. I no longer attend church because I did get tired of the some old BS rhetoric! All the single women putting bids on and chasing after the 1 or 2 decent men in the church. I do have a close relationship with Jesus Christ and I'm no longer being controlled or feel bad about being a single mother or listening to some pastor dictate his personal views about me being a single mother. The type of men you mentioned above in the church and (some married men for that matter)..I've met them ALL ( in the church). Thank you for speaking up for us (single black women), who no longer spend all her time in church, dealing with organized religion. I'm sure some people disagree with you...but, let them continue to go to church to learn how to live life, while we're out enjoying the life God has given us.

Grrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaattttttt acticle........ Ms D

Deborah used this man's video as a basis for the black church being a big reason why women today are being kept single and lonely. But his ultimate message wasn't about going to church. What I got was that women should "hide" in God and not put themselves "out there" so to speak. I don't completely agree with him that dating websites and other venues are not good methods of finding a mate but he did have some good advice when he got into talking of a woman not giving her all without having him give his all and went into talking of a virtuous woman. I just wanted to say that comment on the video.

As far as Deborah's piece here, it has some good stuff as well as errors. I agree that black men are largely absent from church and therefore it's not a place designed to find a mate. People shouldn't go to church if finding a mate is their motivation for going. Church is supposed to be so much more than that and women will be let down if they miss all the main points of going to church only focusing on finding a man. I think even most pastors and preachers would agree that one doesn't need to be a card carrying member of a church to be in good standing with God. But I also believe that going to church helps women to find a mate if they take heed to the message given. I think some churches many need a younger translation of the message given there so younger dating population can understand it. Many of these "single" women in church who have never married somehow do have kids. That means they weren't following the gameplan preached in the church anyway. It's like saying a diet plan didn't work for you and you never stayed true to the diet to try it out. Also, a woman shouldn't spend all her time inside a church and only find a man there. She should be out and about stumbling into men as she lives her active life and I don't see where having Sunday mornings at church in the mix would harm their chances of meeting a good man throughout the week. Most of the men who aren't in church are in bed anyways at that our. So, if you're just advocating that people who LIVE at the church need to climb out, say that instead of disregarding church as a whole. There are churches out there that allow women preachers, pastors, etc. Most don't but I just wanted to put that out there. I don't view many teachings in the bible in Ephesians, 1 Timothy, Genesis, etc as oppressive but I doubt this is a forum that you wanted to debate scripture. I will note that it's hard to single out CHURCH as unnecessary without also implying the Bible as it is written is unnecessary because the many "oppressive" teachings Deborah cites can be traced back somewhere to scripture. So, it's hard to avoid a conversation on interpretations of scripture and also try to single out CHURCH apart from the God of the bible in which they worship there. She mentions the black CHURCH. Not the synogogue or mosque to make her point. So speak to Christianity and Bible teaching more directly and don't back away from it as she has in the replies to so many posts regarding her article only being about the church building itself.

You are right that black women limiting themselves to just black men and having certain characteristics will leave many women single. Many black men of today aren't stepping up to manhood as good viable fathers, working good jobs, etc. Black women's loyalty to only dating black men despite them not being as loyal to them is a much bigger problem holding black women back than the church.

Deborah, I appreciate you expanding women's horizons but not so much the stomping on the church. There were some good teaching moments in the man's video that weren't even addressed in this article (and a few bad things too but overall good).

Finally - someone is not afraid to put this information on paper!!!! Deborrah, Great article!! I have to follow up with your other articles!!

Deborrah,

Your article is ON POINT and right on time!! I was listening to you this morning on TJMS and thought.....WOW!! This woman has the guts to speak the truth!! Personally, I have stepped into the harsh reality that looking for love in church is a lost cause. You are so right when you speak about how church controls women by telling them to wait on "BOAZ". GEEZ!! That guy doesn't exist! And if they are even truthful about that story, the real deal is that Ruth went after Boaz, with the help of her mother in law Naomi. They don't tell that story....They had a master plan that worked!

When I made the decision to stop seeking a "God fearing man", but seeking a man who has the qualities that l like, who treats me with respect and enjoys doing the some of the same things that I enjoy....love walked into my life. I'm currently in a relationship with a man who does not go to church and I respect his decision and his spirituality choices. Church teaches you that if he's not a christian, then the two of you can not walk together. That's bananas, because its all about a mutual respect of each other and what ever spiritual choices you make.

I'm the happiest that I have ever been in my life....with the non churchy dude!! And here's the kicker.....my parents are ministers!! I grew up in church all of my life, but as I got older I grew to see the fallacies with religion. And, I knew that I had to do a game changer if I wanted to have a relationship.

If any woman reading my post can take anything from me,...please take this: Love YOUR God with all of your heart, but YOUR GOD or better yet...you're spiritual walk doesn't have to be the same spiritual walk as someone else. Stop allowing religion to cause you to miss out on life,...love and potential happiness because you are caught up on tradition. I have been there and done that. It leaves you empty, questioning God about timing and you are left with the short end of the stick....LONELY!!!

Now,...its important for me to be with a man who posses character, which goes a long way....beyond the church pews. There are LOADS of good men out there, who just simply don't do church. That's cool. That's their decision,....not yours. And, their decisions on God or spirituality doesn't have to change yours. Just learn to respect each other.

Deborrah....THANK YOU!!!! Despite some criticism.....you have hit the nail on the head!!!! PLEASE continue to help the sistas out!!

Best to you.

Although I don't agree with all points made in this article, I can definitely undestand where Ms. Cooper is coming from with her argument. Although some are opinions many can be factual by just looking around at some of the church going "folk" in their own churches or families for that matter. From the women in the church who wear the Big hats and speak in tongues to the men in the church who wear wing tips and pinky rings I can see why this article is cooking some of ya'll are mad. I guess when you look in the mirror long enough, you actually being to see yourself for who you really are and kind of hate being that person. Just saying. Love the article Debrroah!

Thank you for writing a piece on using COMMON SENSE. It is sorely lacking.

Most of these churches are fly-by-night, money-making ventures anyway. Anyone can be a minister or pastor as any actual knowledge of the bible is NOT required to start a church: see L Ron Hubbard.

I know the idea of leaving the black church will be traumatic for some because it's part of the overall indocrination of black women but this is just another area where they have to take responsibility for their choices. What are they getting from what they've given?

There is NO WAY a kind and compassionate and practical God would allow for this situation to come about. This is the proverbial kicking out the money changers from the temple - it's time to get rid of the leeches!

It's up to US to read the religious text of choice for comprehension. I do like Bible Study courses that compare the texts using Greek & English, with appropriate context - but that was after years of feeling dissatisfied with the churches I'd attended and I decided to take charge of my own spiritual development instead of being told by someone else what "X" means. That also includes building a personal spiritual relationship and finding like-minded others. It's an arduous process. I'll never blindly walk into a church and assume they are going to provide what I need or even interpret the Scriptures properly.

Churches have to be vetted just like everything else!

Hopefully more women will reevaluate what they're doing and why and seek better circumstances.

This article may be tight but its right and appreciated by anyone like myself, a former Pastors wife who got divorced and found out first hand that what she is writing is true! You may not agree with every point but anyone denying the overall truth about this is unwilling to confront what God is trying to expose. Women need to accept and speak out about their God-given right to strength and dignity even as we are Believers and hold true to the values in God's word. I am so proud to have found my church Friendship West and my Pastor who believes in social justice and women are equal in value in this body of believers. Proverbs 23:23 tells us to Buy the truth and sell it not (that means it will cost you something...question what you believe as true and LEARN from God not a man)...get wisdom and sound judgement means to use the brain God gave you to THINK for yourself. He didn't remove your brain when you accepted Him as Savior nor did He intend for any of us male or female to be in bondage. Thank you Deborrah. I know you're taking heat but know there are sisters standing up with you going YES! Its about time!!!

And for those who want to know (and even if you don't) I am now in a healthy relationship with a man who's in the church, has been all of his life as a PK but his Father was a progressive man who loved his wife and treated women with their God given dignity. He loves me real good so you can't contribute my comments in support of Deborrah as bitter, lonely hater of men. I love my man. I also love truth! Bless you Deborrah. Speak on sister!!!

I am a black male who doesn't attend church due to things that I have witnessed within the church. By that I mean the hypocracy of the church. Most of the people that I have met who claim to be Christians treat people horribly. In business dealings, personal dealings, relationships, etc. All because they believe they will be forgiven for the dirt that they do to others. According to what I've read in the bible which states that if an action is wrong then you shouldn't do it, not you can do it and keep doing it and you will be forgiven! Now about black women that I have met that attend church on the regular, most are the most evil individuals that I have met in my life, which gives me another reason not to attend church. If people that I meet in every day life that don't go to church treat me better than people who attend church who do you suppose that I prefer to deal with? My mother is a church going woman who is extremely evil, on the church board, the nursing guild, an eastern star, and the biggest hypocrite in the world. I choose not to go to avoid being a hypocrite, not that I treat anyone bad, I treat people how they treat me, because I believe as my father believed in Karma, the good you do will come back to you, which was proven when I took care of him for seven years while neither of my two siblings nor my mother lifted a finger to help me with him. When he passed these so called church people cut me out of every money that came from his multiple insurance policies. I no longer deal with them and I am a better person for cutting them out of my life period.

Wow, Deborrah - seems like this article brought out some real interesting and strong opinions! I think the artice was insightful, objective and thanks for the use of statistical data - which always gives hardcore factual information. It is never subjective and does not rely on "I feel" based on ones experiences, thoughts or patterns.

In reality, it is hard for many to understand and consider. I've done studies as such and I too have been amazed at its outcome not only in this area but in other areas. Don't let the harshness get to you - keep doing what you've been doing! Its okay to be a radical!

Okay... I am a black Christian male and Pastor Ken's video blog contradicted itself w/ "if you're in Australia, then the man would find you in Australia", then "if you are on eHarmony and he's on eHarmony" huh??? Isn't that still a type of game playing/positining yourself to be found? Dude wouldn't know a potential mate was on eHarmony unless he looked. Personally, I want to see a woman in similar actions as myself & radically pursuing God. Staying home and submerging yourself in hermit-ism is a way not to find a mate shy of thunderous revealation from God. The sentiment expressed here is true in the sense - "he that finds", but in the meantime, be a great woman without games and positioning... that is attractive!

This is a pretty interesting take on the dating life of a black woman and a lot of these points are true, but to tell a woman to give up God in the quest for a man is a litlle bit absurd.

I don't understand why people think women can only be happy if they have a husband or a boyfriend? I say love yourself. If someone is out there who loves you for you then go for it. Otherwise, we can sleep alone but never be alone with good friends and family. I get sooo tired of women being told that they will be "LONELY" if no one loves them. BS!! Be alone, get to know your own company. Why, as a society, are we always expected to "couple off"?!?!?!?!

Interesting

This article is unbelievably short-sighted and pragmatic to a fault.

She is diagnosing symptoms of a larger problem in the black church.

It's like she's examining a car that is driving around with the parking brake on. She's talking about the stench, terrible handling and poor gas mileage, but she's missing the larger problem.

The church (regardless of predominant race) needs to have at its center a focus on the gospel and sound doctrine. For the most part, the black church has neither.

I think what is leading to alot of debate here is the fact that what the author is speaking of does exist in certain venues. Surely there are places within our society that fit the format of which she is speaking. There is someone at every possibility of existence. What most of those who are opposing the total statement or ideal of her message are focusing on is the original intent of God.
Everything that is is not always as it it suppose to be. The "church" or "black church" or any other so called type of church is just a term symbolic of what God has chosen to name those who are called out after Him. When organizations follow the pattern of God, what she is speaking of does not hold true. But when the ideas and desires of men to pattern themselves after the genuine article divert from the original design what she is speaking of and more things worse are possible. What is truly being exposed by all who are commenting is there is a disparity in the body of Christ. Not everyone who names the name of Jesus is sincerely committed to following Him. When this happens the true purpose and message of God suffers the shame that is being demostrated by these comments. It's an indication that we are not doing all that we need to be doing in our repesentation of the Christian faith . The body of Christ is one, so we all bear the shame. It's time for us to show forth what a true relationship with God is capable of doing in those whose lives are truly dedicated to Him.

That guy on the video seems to be made for this article. Here he is telling women 'what he think's the bible means in terms of how they should find a mate. According to him. Women should stay ' hidden' and only the men can go out seeking. All of this is the same old tripe women have heard for eons that gives men a free pass to sew their wild oats, without impunity while women are supposed to remain virginal.
This is exactly what Ms. Cooper talked about in her article. Men's need to control women by controlling women's sexuality most especially their vjays. Now why not tell guys to 'remain hidden'? Because he knows that shyt won't wash with guys. But women are so gullible and believe anything a man says just because he has testicles and is wearing a robe standing in a pulpit. Women have to stop being so gullible and use their own brain.
They don't need some guy telling them how to behave. They are grown azz women and can think for themselves. Any woman that sits in a church like some brain dead sheep letting some guy like this fool in this video dictate to her, a grown azz woman, how to live her life and what to do, deserves to be controlled.