Black Men – How to Love a Black Woman

| 10/28/2010 | Comments (16)

In this video Sistah Girl has left her man behind for not treating her right. Now that the lights are on, her ex reviews the relationship mistakes he made which caused his woman to leave. In this clip he shares his newfound understanding of where he went wrong with other men so they can avoid making the same mistakes.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Men's Issues

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Comments (16)

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  1. Razzy says:

    OfficiallyBrian Bryan why even get your panties in a wad.  If you aren’t looking for an obese single mother looking for a father to your children, then don’t.  Nobody said you had to. There are plenty and I mean plenty of educated successful single attractive women who have it going on. Why not look for them?  But see, these women don’t want you.  Thats why you mad.  Males like you who immediately say the only women who come on to you are the single fat baby mama’s just let me know that as much as you think about yourself, you don’t have what it takes to actually pull the woman who you feel is your equal and you are mad.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t even be complaining if you already had one.
    I mean seriously, why mention hamburger as being a choice you would even buy, when you are surrounded by sirloin and the best cuts of the beef. You’d only mention hamburger if you can’t afford to buy the best. And that’s your case.   You have to ‘settle’ because the woman you want, don’t want you. Otherwise why even mention ‘settling’ in the first place as if that is an option.
    A real man who has it going on, doesn’t have to settle.  He has women everywhere he turns.  An by real man, I don’t mean someone who is merely educated, childless and ‘successful. You don’t get gold peanuts for that. That’s just the basics, for many woman are on that level. I mean those confident men that women find attractive that have the basics down, plus they like women and women are drawn to them because they find these men sexy and these men know how to treat a woman.  That ain’t you and a whole host of so called ‘good men’ who think they are all that, but all they talk about are the women they don’t want.  lol, cause the ones they do, don’t want them.

    • OfficiallyBrian says:

      Hi Razzy  I’m surprised this topic is still being viewed. As to your reply it may indeed seem like I am a bit upset in my previous post. Truth be told I forgot I even posted this, but after reading it over again it reminded me of the message that was in it.
      Now I personally am not mad at anyone in particular, however this video is a very weak attempt at making a valid point against men. After listening to the video again I am almost positive this is scripted by a woman. Although white knights are just as bad I doubt any guy (even if they are speaking Ebonics) would emasculate themselves to such a degree.
      This video has absolutely nothing to do with how to love anything. It’s literally a rant by some anonymous individual that has a bit of a gripe against men in general.  

      Now while everyone is entitled to their opinions I have to tell you being successful and educated is hardly “the basics” in fact it’s an accolade in anyone’s life so I wouldn’t try to down play an individual who is living a good life.
      When it comes to women I don’t actually have an unrealistic expectation of what I want in a woman (in fact my wants are pretty simple), but I do know what I don’t want and that is my standard. There is no need for me to settle considering the fact that women come and go on a daily basis. Now I only saw about two points you where trying to make everything else seemed to be an attempt at insult? 
      Anyway I appreciate the response and your opinions.

  2. OfficiallyBrian says:

    After listening to this I have to say that this was probably scripted by a woman or a “white knight”. First of all if you are a man and are taking this video into consideration, you have been emasculated. This “guy” speaker is castrating himself, and all black men everywhere.
     
    As a single self respecting, educated, childless, and successful black male I refuse to settle for less than I am personally worth.
     
    This is a poor excuse for a video educational video and nothing more than an angry WOMAN’s rant. Talking about how men “let themselves go”. Are you kidding me? These are the same women that leave real men to have their fun and then when they are used up and can’t get those men anymore they try to come calling telling them to step up? I think not “sista”, I don’t want an obese, single mother, that is looking for a father to her children. That is not where my goals are and I won’t lower them either. Have an issue with what I said feel free to reach me on my twitter @officiallybrian .
     
     

    • Deborrah says:

      The problem with black men like you is that you drank the Kool-Aid and really believe that you are superior to women and don’t have to show your woman kindness, respect, or consideration… that she is going to love you the same no matter how you dismiss or discount her and take her for granted. You, in a few years, will be just like these seven men.

      Why do you think men go find their ex-girlfriends and want to kill them for leaving him? Why do you think men beat on women and tell them they are ugly and stupid? Because he is TERRIFIED OF BEING LEFT! However, their behavior guarantees that any woman with high self esteem will do just that.

      Black man that equate their manhood and associate their strength with how weak they make a woman feel are the ones that are emasculated. Your sense of manhood is false. It is based on the reflection of a woman’s weakness, not her strength juxtaposed with your own. You, like every other single black man, haven’t a clue about what it takes to get and keep a woman happy in a long-term relationship.

  3. K. Michel says:

    I have a question to ask before I write my observations. I’m not trying to be smart, Miss Cooper (really, I’m not), but I thought you were against marriage for women… or rather, marriage was not in a Black woman’s best interest.

    Do you still feel that way?

    • To be very clear marriage as a concept may not be in women’s best interest. A woman has to decide that for herself, being very clear on (1) her reasons for opting to get married in the first place; and (2) the attitude towards marriage and women that her intended husband has. The days of women thinking they NEED marriage, or that marriage is the only way to actualize themselves as women, or that marriage is automatically going to be beneficial to her are over.

      After a full pro and con analysis, a woman may, with shock, realize that marriage is not in her best interest. On the other hand, there are some wonderful men in the world with true open spirits and hearts that would bond with a female and take them both to glory.

      But only that woman will be able to determine that. My warning is that women should consider the fact that marriage has plenty of cons, and every woman must consider them as honestly as she does any pros she thinks marriage will provide.

  4. Simon says:

    @Lyndon:

    I agree with you.

    My ex-fiance cheated on me with a jailbird, dysfunctional broke ass dude. She gave birth to his 4th child. He never took care of the previous three children. Sadly, my ex is living on welfare with child after getting her ass kicked several times and hiding from dude. She lost her 70K per year job chasing him.

    She had father issues. I set up counseling for her, she declined to attend. Daddy was at home but emotionaly unavailable to her growing up, youngest of two girls. It partially explains my ex’s penchant for dysfunctional men but not all of it, not to mention her penchant for sniffing cocaine and smoking weed.

    • Raz says:

      Simon: “My ex-fiance cheated on me with a jailbird, dysfunctional broke ass dude. She gave birth to his 4th child”

      DAYUM!! What the hell was wrong with you that your ex fiance would leave you and chase a man like that? You must have been 10X worse than this trifling dude if she saw him as the lesser of 2 evils.

  5. Simon says:

    Yes, some men fuck up relationships, but women do too. Admission isn’t forthcoming from Ms. Cooper, I know. Your wrong about men making 100% of women married, both sides have equal numbers that aren’t marriage material. For every uneducated jail-bird Black man, there equal numbers of obese, overweight, insecure and emotionally unstable uneducated Black women.

    By the way, one issue, Black women never address is infidelity leading to pregnancy while married and expect hubands to raise another man’s child. I’m aware some Black men don’t question their wives, but most Black men are very obervant. Successful Black men will not play captain save a hoe.

    • Ronnie, I am not saying every single woman in the world. I am saying the women that want to be married and are looking for husbands… 100% of them could be married tomorrow if men would marry them. THat is all I’m saying. All the other stuff you mentioned is irrelevant to the sheer issue of MARRIAGE which is all you brought up before. Now you want to add all kinds of qualifiers to it just to make a point.

      As far as the infidelity while married, who cares? Men take in and raise and love step children, grand children, nieces, nephews, foster children and even adopt children that are not theirs. they care for them and love them as if they are. In this case, you would be doing exactly the same thing. Successful Black men WILL play captain save a hoe and they do it all the time. That is where the phrase came from! You don’t think some broke dude is going to come in with his checkbook saving somebody! LOL. You are confused dude. EVERY SINGLE CAPTAIN SAVE A HO IS A SUCCESSFUL MAN.

      Lastly, someone being insecure, uneducated, overweight or obese, or having been in jail before does not make him or her unsuitable for marriage. Those are all things that might make YOU not want the person, but that doesn’t mean that that individual would not be a fabulous, absolutely devoted, loving, sexy partner for you that made your heart sing.

      But like I said, men choose wives with their dicks, not their brains. So I would expect this type of superficial, shallow criteria from a male.

  6. Simon says:

    There are some Black men this video aptly applies to. However, a video for aptly equal Black women is required for balance. I detect a serious chord of Black female chauvinism here as well. Remember, Ms. Cooper, 42% of Black women are married and 43% of Black men are married.

    Just as their are reactionary forces in Black communities attempting to gain foothold on the issue of race, their are reactionary forces attempting to gain foothold on the issue of gender. Straddling the fence won’t work. I’m sure my comments will be greeted with the usual reactionary borgeois feminist tripe by some on your site. Nonetheless, I do like some of your work and often refer men and women to your site.

    • Well if you think it is required, then get busy making it. I am not going to waste my time. Men can make 100% of women be married if they would get off their asses, but we both know that is not going to happen. Men fuck up relationships. Cheating, lying, beating women, avoiding commitment, being selfish, withholding emotions and being stupid and poor lovers. Those things ruin relationship and MAKE women leave. That is why this video was made, to point out to men that they have the power to stop making women leave them, divorce them at a 75% rate, and not want to marry them at all. Women are moving further and further away from the marriage model because they are getting sick of men’s shit.

      So you can complain if you want to dude, doesn’t change the fact that men mess up relationships 99% of the time. You want to blame it on other forces when it is not the responsibility of anyone but BLACK MEN.

      • Lyndon says:

        You can’t be serious when you say it’s our fault. I’m recently divorced from a four year marriage and I take responsiblity for all the wrong I did. On the flip side my ex acknowledges that she had many unresoved issues from her past that left her scarred and incapable of a healthy relationship.

        I have yet to ever date a woman seriouly that does not have unresolved traumatic experiences from her past. If this is a prevailing issue, along with father issues, it’s impossible to place the blame on anyone else. I’ll go so far and say most women are doomed. Relationship failure is fate.

        • Sadly Lyndon, my current research project on sexual abuse and rape of girls/young women has demonstrated to me that there are a lot of horrible, nasty, disgusting perverted men n the world. They think nothing of screwing their own daughters, or yours, or anyone else’s. I even heard a story of a two month old baby being sexually abused by HIS own father. The mother found out and killed that fool.

          Stats say that 1 out of 4 women will have been raped or sexually molested by the time she is 18. I disagree. My casual discussions and emails with women all over the country indicate to me that the number is more accurately 3.5 out of 4. What does this say about the men in the United States? WTF is going on with men?

          The best way to have women that are adults that are capable of having healthy relationships is for the healthy men to dig in the asses of men they see hollering at girls on the streets, touching them, saying foul things to them as they walk by, and molesting and raping children.

          If more men got involved and helped protect girls and women from predators, there would be many more happy men with wives that are healthy and emotionally strong years later. Just think how that one change in male behavior could change our entire world!!!

          • Lyndon says:

            The wierd thing about it is when I bring this topic up in casual discussion I get the big eyes. I’ve been asked why do I care so much about the issue of sexual abuse. Personally I believe it’s one of the primary reasons, if not, the primary reason we’re unableto connect at a deeper level.

            In many black households the father is never present, so there’s little provision or protection. Kids are being shifted from one place to another. My mother was a social worker and my father was a Baptist minister, so I have unique experience with the issues like this. I only thought my first hand experience would end there. But this issue follows the victims for a lifetime.

            But soooo many blacks are terrified of exposing not just family members guilty of this, but clergy that they rather live the lie. Eddie Long is a prime example. They feel that the church is all they have and if they can’t believe in the minister then they really have nothing else but themselves. And there’s no way we can look at our own shit.

        • Amanda says:

          The problem is black women do not feel protected by our black men. We are out here trying to take care of EVERYTHING. We are tired of making decisions on our own regarding everything. Even if we did have a messed up childhood (ex. no father) that has no barren on how we are suppose to be treated by black men. We are women who want to be treated correctly, just like any other race. Everyone has issues but it’s how we deal with them and how our partner handles them with us that makes the difference.

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