Black Men and Sexual Addiction

| 12/03/2013 | Comments (19)

In my work in sex addiction therapy, I come across men of all ethnic backgrounds struggling in this area. While the White sex addict may have just as many partners as the Black addict (some with over 200 partners while with their spouse), there is one major difference. Can you guess what it is? It’s the condom. The tendency is for white guys to act out sexually taking more precautions to use a condom while black clients ignore the need for contraception, thus perpetuating the trend of single-mothers left to fend for themselves.black couple near bed

What I see and hear are Black men steeped in their addiction having indiscriminate sex without protection only to suffer the consequences of being a father to numerous out-of-wedlock children with multiple mothers (aka “baby mommas).

Statistics show just over 70% of African-Americans births are out-of-wedlock compared to nearly 30% of Whites. In other words, the Black community is facing a continuing trend of having another generation of boys and girls being raised with limited adult supervision, role-modeling, or parental care. Without the necessary attachment of love, care, and connection from a father or father-figure, young Black men and women will remain stuck in a cultural cesspool of poverty, crime, and social and educational inequity.

One client shared of being one of nine children and having several step-fathers in his life which impacted his sense of relational safety. Also, the large family meant having difficulty garnering his mother’s attention while competing with other siblings. “I just wanted more of a mother-son relationship such as going out with my own and doing stuff with her. It just felt like her love with me was diluted and I wanted more time.”

Black fathers need to step up and start raising their families instead of abandoning their babies and leaving children feeling unwanted, neglected, and left to the vices of the streets. Black celebrities and other high profile African-American leaders need to send a strong message that songs, shows, and other forms of entertainment that cater to glorifying drugs, sex, and violence need to stop being marketed to young, impressionable youth (Black or otherwise). The following are lyrics from some of the top hip hop songs of 2012:

NI**AS IN PARIS Jay Z and Kanye West

 I got that hot bitch in my home

[Kanye West]

You know how many hot bitches I own?

Don’t let me get in my zone [x4]

THE MOTTO by Drake Featuring Lil Wayne and Young Money

[Verse 2: Lil Wayne]

One…time? Fuck one time

I’m calling niggas out like the umpire

Seven…grams in the blunt

Almost drowned in her pussy so I swam to her butt

New God Flow Lyrics by Kanye West Featuring Ghostface Killah & Pusha T)

[Verse 1: Pusha T]

I believe there’s a God above me

I’m just the god of everything else

I put holes in everything else

“New God Flow,” fuck everything else

Supreme dope dealer, write it in bold letters

They love a nigga’s spirit like Pac at the Coachella

They said Pusha ain’t fit with the umbrella

But I was good with the Yay as a wholesaler

I think it’s good that ‘Ye got a blow dealer

 

Pro basketball player Lawrence Hamm at his sports camp for kids

Pro basketball player Lawrence Hamm at his sports camp for kids

When I was growing up the music was a bit tamer but the themes still revolved around sex and money. The message (as I interpreted them as a boy), was that having multiple sexual partners was the means to feel strong, masculine, powerful and important. Song lyrics can leave an indelible and subliminal mark on a young mind. It took a lot of time to change my own distorted perceptions of women, relationships, and healthy sexuality based on what I absorbed in this context.

If we want to change the urban culture, we need to address the messages inundating the communities through music and pop culture. I was fortunate enough to have other Asian-American role models, sports programs, and churches that kept me off the streets and rebuffed the lure of gangs, drug-dealing, and violence. It’s time more African-Americans invest in their communities and show the younger generation how to be real men.

————————————–

Sam Louie, MFTSam Louie is a psychotherapist in private practice licensed in the state of Washington as a mental health counselor and sex offender treatment provider affiliate. Sam is a first generation Asian-American who grew up on the border of the Rainier Valley. Consequently, he is keenly aware of the role of multi-cultural sensitivity when working with minorities and Asian populations, especially when it intersects with compulsive/addictive behaviors. He received his master’s degree in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis in marriage & family therapy from Azusa Pacific University in Southern California. Sam is also a lecturer at Northwest University on cultural and race issues to help foster better understanding, sensitivity, and awareness of issues related to Asian and ethnic cultures. Find out more about him at www.samlouiemft.com

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  1. itsmeak says:

    Sorry I’m using an iPad. I tried to type ’emaciated’ NOT emancipated. Apologies to all.

  2. itsmeak says:

    Another black woman with a blog wrote several months ago that doctors and scientists say that gonorrhea is yet another bacterial disease that they’ve recently had to put on the list of resistant bacterial strains because they have been finding that current gonorrheal infection medicine may not be able to tackle these newfound strains the way that the medicine use to be able to.

  3. itsmeak says:

    This Dr Louie guy is right. Right on the money and everybody knows it. That’s one thing I can’t understand about the black people of today: the guys who just hate to put on a condom and the women who just sit right back and let them go ahead without one.
    When black guys complain about how the latex condom “takes away all the feeling” and blah, blah, blah and black women just accept that stuff in return, well would you rather you’d never have sex ever again?
    It’s like is there no one out there who remembers or who has ever heard of the 1980s?? Yes there was more to the 80s than big shoulder pads, acid washed jeans, big hair and the Jheri curl. Even more than just the druggies everywhere high on crack or heroin and apartheid still going on in South Africa. There was also HIV becoming full blown AIDS rearing its ugly head. Have people already forgotten how crazy people were thinking that if an AIDS patient coughed on them that they would get it? It was and is serious! Not in the ignorant way people saw AIDS between 30 to 35 years ago which sadly brought out even more ignorance and bigotry in people, but it is still serious as long as no viruses in the world have any cures. People were dying left and right in Western countries, the straight and the gay, the famous and the ‘nobodies’ and they were all looking exactly like the starving Ethiopian babies that the celebs were singing for in order to raise money for with the Live Aid and the We Are The World albums. There weren’t even any ‘liveable’ HIV cases mostly it was the full blown AIDS patients because the doctors and medical scientists didn’t even KNOW what AZT was yet!
    Whites who were gay already had a lot of homophobia thrown at them but once people who knew them found out they had AIDS that was it! People were thrown out of houses and everything and this happened to straight people too and to people who received HIV through blood transfusions such as one 13 year old white boy in the suburbs who was kept out of his school physically because of protesting parents and they set up a phone system connected to his school so he could listen to and follow his teachers. He died when he was 18.
    Another black woman who had a blog a few years ago wrote that while the advancements of AZT cocktail medicines throughout the decades has helped HIV positive live sustainable lives where they appear to look healthy and the US government had some initiatives to provide money towards
    these patients’ treatment that during the recession certain government funding could be cut out considerably or altogether and that because too many black patients relied on the government for that treatment that she could see the days of the 80s when AIDS patients looked emancipated as if during a bad famine would be coming back. That made me sad and scared to read that.

  4. tiredofthegames says:

    Raz zy blackcaesar Razzy  what happens when your husband purposely gets you pregnant to keep you from leaving. We both agreed not to have anymore kids and decided what method we would use not to. I really don’t know when he is draining the weasel. So blackcaeser what Is your answer to that. I have been married to this sociopath for 23 years. He is educated and a deacon in the church not the so called all black women won’t thugs man. I don’t want a thug. Only a man that gives a damn. Black men will never take responsibility for there actions. You can be married and still be a single parent because your man is sleeping with every piece of ass that tells him he is the shit. I can name 50 men with this playa attitude(from dad, grandfathers, uncles , cousins, friend, clients) all black with the same mentality. Oh yes by the way, they all have very loving and easy going women which they brag about. Trophy wives and submissive wives. Every last one of these women from age 40 to age 80 hate their husband and are bitter. Statistics about the black male tell the story.

  5. swirlygirl says:

    Yup you are right. I have been seeing this trend the last several years. I see many BM abandon their mixed children too. And they continue making more and more mixed children with other women, that they abandon as well.
    When you point this out, you always have some knucklehead saying “Not alllll BM” That’s when I know that the person I am dealing with is delusional and can’t accept reality and facts.
    We see it, our eyes aren’t lying and their are statistics that prove what we all already knew was true about BM. In fact, I always laugh when I hear the most brain washed,kool aid drinking white women claim that BW are always mad at them for “taking our men” Oh nothing can be further from the truth for me. I am a black woman who knows reality and refuses to drink the black man’s kool aid and the bull they serve up. When my ex said he was a “King” I said, no you’re a homo. And he was!!!!! I caught him several times! And I guess you can say he abandoned us too, because HE sure wasn’t thinking about us when he robbed a bank in 2000 because he was afraid of a loan shark. He got out of Prison, and started the homosexual activity on the internet while trying to get back with me! I can’t even begin to tell you how abandoned I felt.
    Luckily I have had first hand experience and now those same kool aid drinking white women are my friends, and I hear all the time how “Jim, James, Paul and Tyrone don’t wanna work, got another bish pregnant, and don’t neva pay a bill” I tried to tell a little red head white friend and then another one arm but attractive white friend how those black men often do women. But NOW they know I had first hand experience.
    One thing about a white woman, she is more likely to get rid of a blavk man, who does not want to be a real man. But I am glad to see many blavk women now looking to something else, opening their minds and hearts, getting rid of these BM!

  6. swirlygirl says:

    I hear ya, but I wouldn’t call it a “problem” if a white mom doesn’t know how to do her daughter’s hair. I grew up with a white step dad. My bio father was a light skin Puerto Rican with kinky curly almost black hair and my mother was dark skin black. My mom left my real Dad. She met my step dad and he would do my hair in all sorts of crazy ways. I got made fun of some, but he didn’t want relaxers in my hair. So he dealt with my thick, super curly hair. Lol gotta love him for trying yall.
    Well my Dad taught me to read. My dad took me to classical plays, parks zoos we just had fun and that is what’s important.It didn’t matter what my hair looked like to me. I was having fun. I know some black women who don’t cook, braid hair or like to clean. That doesn’t mean anything. We don’t all want to “take care” of everybody. In fact sometimes white women come up to me and ask me to braid their hair, just because I’m black! I get really angry. I tell them hell no. For one I don’t braid, and I think white hair is difficult to work with for me. It is slippery, so I certainly can’t braid their complicated hair type. Nor do I like doing hair. Damn not all black women like doing hair. So I can understand how white women might find black or mixed hair types “different” I am also not very talented with hair. Period.
    Just like when people talk about Beyonce’s baby’s hair, it’s just ridiculous to me, because everytime you see Beyonce, she shows so much love to the baby, having fun playing with her, exposing her to everything. So you know she will be a smart loved kid. She is giving hugs positive reinforcement, and loves playing with her and of course the hair gets messy? None of the critics say, “wow LOOK at Beyonce, she’s a great mom!” And we do this hair shaming thing to almost all black women. Black people we can sometimes be obsessed with how acceptable our hair looks to white people. And it’s making our black girls neurotic almost delusional about our hair.
    I have had two babies and their poofy hair never stayed neat. Natural hair tends to poof up and I think it’s cute. I did my kid’s hair every morning. They were both little devilish types getting into everything. I have always been a hands on, helicopter mom much like Beyonce seems to be.hell I was gonna be damned if I walked around obsessing over my lil muffins poofy hair all day. it seems alll some black people can obsess about is that the child’s hair is not laid. It is making us look very superficial.
    I would see more of a problem with any parent who doesn’t play with, discipline, teach and nurture their child no matter the shade of skin is.

  7. zipporah says:

    remember that song by THE GAP BAND..” GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING” when the lyrics, ‘could say’ BE MY WIFE.. the dudes say HAVE MY CHILD? this mess could have been going on since the Super Fly 70s, and the kids who are being born now, are the GREAT GRANDKIDS!

  8. zipporah says:

    another problem many White Women have, is that they may NOT know how to do their daughters hair….since they aren’t around black women who do (not all biracial kids have straight hair, and every walmart sells relaxer) the white mom may burn the girls hair out if she is not careful

  9. zipporah says:

    the SADDEST THING ABOUT THIS PORNO MUSIC… is that many young black kids are also listening to it, and they are at least in the single digits.
    Another thing, when some white artists are COUNTRY like for example BRAD PAISLEY sing about family, being married, songs like LITTLE MOMENTS, (about is wife and love for her) black men SING ABOUT S******g and that’s IT!!–even  black women in CLUBS DO THIS.. instead of going to places where they can BALLROOM DANCE.. learn WEST COAST SWING and other dances…RESPECT YOURSELF.. (the guy also ‘dips’ you)..there are also black men who take these lessons to find nice women
    THE portable stereos, aka, WALKMAN didn’t help it, and now you have these PORN FREAKS comparing themselves to cops, soldiers, etc..(kanye) its just too BAD.
    the funny thing is NO MEN CALL THEM ON IT,,,,, afraid of being called RAYCISST, or UNCLE TOMS

  10. Raz zy says:

    blackcaesar Razzy
    Obviously blaming the black woman and relying on her to take total responsibility during sex to make sure no babies get made ain’t working out so great so why keep harping on it.  
    If males took responsibility for their own sperm and keeping it out of a fertile womb, then the problem of unwanted pregnancies would dry up overnight because each and every male would ensure that not one drop of his sperm would enter a fertile womb and make a baby. 
    But as long as males have the attitude like you have which is to sit back and make the woman the sole responsible one for ensuring that a pregnancy doesn’t happen during sex, you will continue to see pregnancies happen.  Since you already know this is a problem, it is pointless to keep harping on it.
    Try a different strategy. Obviously those 33 different BC ain’t the answer.  Intelligent thinking should lead you to try a different thought process.  
    Besides, since you are a 40 year old virgin, why are you so obsessed with other folks knocking boots and making babies?  None of them are yours.
    And you and Tommy ‘Sodomy’ should get together.  You two make an ideal couple. Two corny misogynists together’. Since you both hate women especially black women, but the both of you seem to spend your time obsessing about black women neither of you ‘claim’ to want’ perhaps you two should get together and screw each other and  be happy.

  11. itsmeak says:

    Sometimes the BM don’t even do that! Some of their biracial children have been abandoned these days but this has been happening for many years too. On TV talk shows, their used to be white mothers coming on the shows with their biracial kids and from their stories it sounded like only those mothers were raising them and contributing to those kids and sometimes the subject of the actual show would be the poor biracial kids struggling with overt racism where they live because their mothers moved them to one of the Mountain time zone states where the white separatist and militia groups live and they’re the only people who are black or even a minority where they moved to. That must have really sucked being in racist towns and schools alone and with the one parent who could relate, understand and fight in their corner or who could have even taken the child away from that kind of area was the one parent who never showed his face, never called and you don’t even know if he was still alive.
    On another website for black women a couple of years ago, one BW on there said that statistics were starting to show that more and more biracial children were being given up to the system into adoption homes and foster care and that they were usually given up by white women and these children usually had black fathers. That’s so bad! No matter where a DBR BM goes or who he goes to he has to show himself up there!

  12. blackcaesar says:

    Razzy blackcaesar The men are wrong and wreckless for having unprotected sex, but you will never convince me that the burden on society that unwed mothers impose is the fault of men for the most part.  There are 33 reasons why you won’t convince me of that, and those 33 reasons are the 33 different methods of birth control that women have at their disposal.  I’ve never heard of a man putting a loaded gun to a woman’s head saying, “Bitch, you goin’ to have this baby!!”  All men can do after conception is live with womens’ decision to either have the baby or not have the baby.  You all have all the power, so guess what, you all have all the responsibility.    So any and I do mean ANY conversation about having bastard children has to start with the behavior of women, BECAUSE YOU ALL HAVE THE BABIES, DUH!  I got that info. about women saying, “What, you think I’m nasty or somethin'” from Tommy Sotomayor.  Check out I be Nuttin’ in these Bitches Tommy Sotomayor Youtube, and especially his commentary after the video.  If I was a knucklehead I would have baby momma drama.  I’m just the opposite of a knucklehead and that’s why I don’t have any children and have never been married.  Most black women are not educated, and judging by the numbers of you who end up doing the hardest 2 person job in the world (being a parent) all by yourselves, neither do you seem intelligent.  Don’t get me wrong.  The black men having bareback sex are wreckless sex addicts who deserve to pay the costs of their actions in terms of child support or the multitude of std’s that come from such irresponsible behavior; however, it it ultimately the women who are the gatekeepers of sex, and black women have a HORRIBLE record of letting any and every kind of dude run-up in their coochie.  Check it out Tommy Sotomayor’s youtube video about “Let me see the Katfax”.  You think that I would have nothing to do with black women due to my comments about them.  That’s understandable, but I wouldn’t have anything to do with the “Maury Povitch” type of black women who comprise the majority of black women in the U.S.  There are some beautiful African women at my college who appeal to me.

  13. Razzy says:

    blackcaesar “And just to be fair in spreading the blame, a lot of black women get offended if you start pulling out a condom, talking about, “What, you think I’m dirty or somethin’ “.”

    You’re such a knucklehead.  No educated intelligent woman will say some simple minded bullshit like that.  And since you’ve already admitted to not fucking any black women, this is just some dumb shit you made up in order to deflect away from the egregious irresponsibility shown by black men having unprotected sex, skeeting and running away from the babies they made.  What is your point in ‘spreading blame?  A real man wouldn’t be doing that, a real man would own up to the dumb shit that black men do with the skeeting and making babies and  speak on that. Instead weak azz males like you look to deflect away from this issue.

    Besides, regardless of what a woman says, ultimately it is still the man’s penis, the man’s sperm. If he hears some dumb shit like that from a woman, he can get his azz up and leave. Nobody forces him to remove the condom and have bareback sex with her.  He still makes the choice to skeet and run. So the blame goes right back to him for CHOOSING to have bareback sex and listening to what the woman supposedly says. It’s his sperm, and ‘HIS responsibility to protect where it lands.

  14. blackcaesar says:

    You forgot the best rap song of all proving your point about black men and lack of condom use:  I Be Nuttin’ in these Bitches by T’trotta-Money/Jay Kelly.  When I saw this video it blew me away with the casual Recklessness of it’s message.  And just to be fair in spreading the blame, a lot of black women get offended if you start pulling out a condom, talking about, “What, you think I’m dirty or somethin’ “.

    • Deborrah says:

      I do not know nor have I ever professionally come across any such women. Women give in to issues of condom use under pressure of their boyfriends. I think that is a figment of your imagination.

  15. swirlygirl says:

    Lol I still believe it’s more than 70% and of course black men are always staying there for their non black women, helping them raise their half white children.

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