Black Women – Stop Nurturing Grown Ass Men
Why do Black women think it is their responsibility to “nurture” Black men? Where did that fantasy adult baby nonsense come from? And when will Black men stop expecting to be nurtured like breastfeeding infants, and women get a clue that it is not your job to nurture a grown ass man?
nur·ture [nur-cher] Show IPA verb, -tured, -tur·ing, noun
verb (used with object)1. to feed and protect: to nurture one’s offspring.
2. to support and encourage, as during the period of training or development; foster: to nurture promising musicians.
3. to bring up; train; educate.
Instead of using the word “nurture” in relation to grown ass men, Black women need to modify their vocabulary. Use the word “encourage” instead. Of everything on the list above which sets out the formal definition of the word “nurture,” that word is the only one a grown woman should ever do for her man.
- You are not there to feed some grown ass man.
- You are not there to bring up some grown ass man.
- You are not there to train some grown ass man.
- You are not there to educate some grown ass man.
- You are not there to protect some grown ass man.
- You are not there to foster some grown ass man.
As I’ve said many times before, Black women have this shit all twisted up in their heads, and their role in a man’s life and their children’s lives flipped. Black women want to leave their children to fend for themselves, and nurture and coddle grown men.
Woman get this straight: you nurture babies and children, not adults. And any Black man looking for his partner to nurture him needs to go get some shrink time and work that out. You have it twisted. You suck on your Momma’s breast like a baby getting nurtured and fed, not your wife’s. Momma nurtured you, it is not your wife’s job nor your girlfriend’s job to nurture you. Your partner is there to have your back as you strive for greatness AS A MAN – that’s it! That’s all.
Now if you can’t get with that, you need to not have a girlfriend or a wife because you are not mature enough. Go get a bottle, fill it with Pablum, and suck away.
Any Black woman reading this – get clear. I have no patience for Black women that coddle and nurture men. Your behavior towards them is contributing to the sorry pile of shit we have in the Black community running around calling themselves “men” now. Step back and let their big heads hit the ground. That is the only way children learn, by doing. You cannot protect your children from every scrape and cut, and you most certainly cannot and should not even try to protect adult men.
Do not ever use the word “nurture” in relation to your relationship with a grown ass man ever again.
[Originally published 12/11/2011)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Women's Issues
I can’t figure out where black women keep getting this fantasy about what a black man is and isn’t. Even when you go to the real Africa. The men are not this rock that black women can stand upon and not be unfaltering. A lot of times the women in Africa run the household while the black men are in town at the markets, or mining, or whatever it is that African men do. He isn’t overly masculine or trying to be macho for his woman and she doesn’t run around in crazy heels and miniskirts all day. Expecting him to bring home a diamond ring or flowers every other day. Most of the men are gone working 10 to 12 hour days trying to provide for their families. So even, if he comes home to help his wife around the house he is to exhausted to really do much of anything. The mothers tend to be the disciplinarians of the house. Occasionally, the fathers will discipline their children if the children are in really serious trouble. But regardless they don’t get hung up on gender roles and perceived images and expectations of things that are not. A lot of black women act like black men are supposed to be Denzel Washington or something. Always perfect. That is why he is a Hollywood (actor). The black men are just as guilty because they think all their women should look like some damn Miki Minage.
cpalwaysjc6 Under no circumstances ever should an adult woman nurture an adult male. Nurturing is for children, as are diapers and bottles and bibs. Never, no how no way should ‘nurture’ be used in the same sentence as anything discussing manhood. It is the opposite of manhood it is babyhood.
Fact is ,no hot sister is letting a man lay upon her.Unattractive,fat and women with a mess of children and more than one baby daddy are the only black women that will let a guy lay up on them like this.And for every one guy that pimp women like this,there are 4 or more women that has some sucker manginia working two jobs to keep her material worshiping azz in Coach bags and full of designer cup cakes.You see a black woman driving a nice car,chances are some blue collar idiot is busting his azz to pay her car note and get her nails “did”.The hotter looking the woman is the greater the chance she is trading coochie for food,jewels,cars,clothes and college money.
Hi, I don’t see a problem of women nuturing men. ONLY, if he has a job, works hard everyday and bring money in the house and take on some household responsibilities. Now, I don’t think a woman shouldn’t do all those things if the guy, refuses to get a job and go to work like a man should, lazy, sit up in the house all day long and watch tv using up the water,lights and eating up all the food while the woman is out all day working, driving her car and don’t put gas in, run the streets all day, laying up in the house having sex with her that she is paying for, cheating on her getting other women pregnant. I think these are the reasons why sisters should nurturing grown men.
That is definately psychopathic (using) behavior, like fake actors being loving and giving compliments, then he is off doing the same damn thing to someone else? This isn’t love, just a user being a fake. However, I am still wondering why is this always a color issue? Immaturity is prevalent everywhere, but yes it seems black males are taught this bullshit by older males who should know better. Anyway, these boys need to grow up and understand the difference between childlike behaviour (having fun and being cute) and childish (immature, lazy ass, selfish, mooch behavior) such as taking anything he can get for free take, but having little to give back except for a lot of lip service.
This is not a color issue at all; however, since this site PRIMARILY focuses on African American issues, our focus is of course on Black women and Black men. Not exclusively of course, but the demographic that this site was designed to service is Black Americans and those in interracial relationships with Black Americans, over the age of 35. Anyone else that can benefit from the articles and information shared here is of course welcome to participate.
We welcome the participation and sharing of experiences and wisdom from anyone that comes to this site.
@Deborrah You sounded real anti intellectual and phony on Power Talk 1380 on Tuesday when the Brother asked you where you got your scientific data.You even said you rejected his question.Well,we reject your opinions and false data.It is all the woman’s fault if she let’s some bum lay up on her,just like it’s all of the sucker guys’ fault that work two jobs to keep some faux diva in weaves,designer cup cakes,bags,and pay their car notes and cup cakes and cup cakes and cup cakes.And unlike you black women,the black men I know make fun of any whipped suka that would take care of an able bodied grown azz ,”independent”cup cake sucking cup cake and vittle junkie.
Obviously, you didn’t read the article. You are just reacting because I shot you down on the air and didn’t allow you to use the Straw Man argument against me. If you HAD read the article instead of coming here throwing a toddler tantrum, you would have seen there there are no stats in the article. Not one. None was stated on the air either. What was used is called “emphirical evidence” which is validated by every woman in the world that has experienced some man demanding that she allow him to suckle at her breast and hang onto her skirt tales like she is his mother. Since I know you don’t know what that word means, look it up in a dictionary then get back to me.
You sound very uneducated and rather ignorant. Your sentence structure is poor, your grammar horrendous and your ability to comprehend what you hear and read is shockingly below par for your age group. Station air time costs money, which is why you were quickly shuffled off the air.
@ThaRain @Deborrah As Brooklyn Blue so aptly put it:
“There is a phenomenon amongst black men that I have nick named the ‘Prove It!’ Rebuttal. It works like this…anytime a woman, especially if she is black, speaks to the collective negative experience of black women, (particularly at the hands of black men) some guy will come along and demand evidentiary proof to validate and verify what she says. A black woman MUST have statistics, data, charts, graphs, studied, scientifically controlled lab results, archeological Findings, carbon dating and stone tablets carved by Jesus himself, in order for her words to have merit. The shit is hilarious, and it never fails. All these brothas who CLAIM to give women their due, still find I hard to accept what she has to say, without 3rd party qualification, quantification or verification. So many brothas are sexist to their core…and don’t even realize it. Damn shame.”
I’ve been thinking about why that “He said” section of your last article ticked me off. This post summed it up. The whole making men feel like men and nurturing them garbage is all part of the same idiotic mindset. And it blows!!!
I have a boyfriend who makes me feel safe and happy, because he is sure of who he is, not just as a man, but as a human being. There is no ambivalence in him. That is extremely sexy. I don’t know how the women who do the whole nurturing/re-raising an adult do it, without ending up wanting to stab their man-child to death. I could never “nurture” an adult. It’s too bizarre for me! I am soooo grateful for my parents.
You are right Andrea, that “ambivalence” is what keeps a lot of women on the hook because one day or week or month the guy is into them and the relationship, and the next he isn’t sure. So they bend over backwards and jump through hoops trying to get him to love them the way he did before. This angst and drama, the up and down of longing for something, wanting it but its kept just out of reach is very powerful psychological motivator for humans. Too bad women don’t understand this dynamic and use it against men instead of allowing men to use it against them.
So Deb, I guess your not down with that whole adult baby fetish thing, LOL! Are you saying that it’s wrong for a woman to cook her boyfriend dinner? I don’t mean that it should be an expectation or like a duty that she performs night after night like a mother would for her child, but it’s o.k. as a nice gesture of kindness right. I mean that’s what relationships are about right? Treating the ones we like kindly and being good to one another. I’m looking at that list of yours as to what women should not do and I’m flipping it where it says man and putting in woman. So, I, as a man, am not there to take some woman out to dinner (i.e. feeding her). I am not there to protect some grown ass woman. I don’t know how that one would work, but if I’m in some harms way, I know I would want my woman to tell me and thus protect me. I thought that was called having your partner’s back. You say that a woman should not be there to foster some grown ass man. Hmmm, you see that word foster can be used a lot of ways. Let’s take Barak and Michelle Obama. While Barak was a community organizer, Michelle was working in blue-chip Chicago corporate law firm. Was it wrong for her to “foster” him by paying the lions-share of the bills while he pursued his career. If so, then it seems like more black women need to foster black men, because they’re happily married.
Nope, not saying that at all. But if she sat there and fed him, then yeah. And he should not be demanding that she cook for him like he is a child! She works too and is tired after work just like he is. So HE can cook sometimes, or they can go out, or if she has to pick up kids and whatnot, he can pick up take out for dinner. Partnership, not babying.