Black Women – Stop Nurturing Grown Men

| 12/11/2011 | Comments (11)

Why do Black women think it is their responsibility to “nurture” Black men? Where did that fantasy adult baby nonsense come from? And when will Black men stop expecting to be nurtured like breastfeeding infants, and women get a clue that it is not your job to nurture a grown ass man?

nur·ture [nur-cher] Show IPA verb, -tured, -tur·ing, noun
verb (used with object)

1. to feed and protect: to nurture one’s offspring.

2. to support and encourage, as during the period of training or development; foster: to nurture promising musicians.

3. to bring up; train; educate.

Instead of using the word “nurture” in relation to grown ass men, Black women need to modify their vocabulary. Use the word “encourage” instead. Of everything on the list above which sets out the formal definition of the word “nurture,” that word is the only one a grown woman should ever do for her man.

You are not there to feed some grown ass man.
you are not there to bring up some grown ass man.
You are not there to train some grown ass man.
you are not there to educate some grown ass man.
You are not there to protect some grown ass man.
You are not there to foster some grown ass man.

As I’ve said many times before, Black women have this shit all twisted up in their heads, and their role in a man’s life and their children’s lives flipped.  Black women want to leave their children to fend for themselves, and nurture and coddle grown men.

Woman get this straight: you nurture babies and children, not adults. And any Black man looking for his  partner to nurture him needs to go get some shrink time and work that out. You have it twisted. You suck on your Momma’s breast like a baby getting nurtured and fed, not your wife’s. Momma nurtured you, it is not your wife’s job nor your girlfriend’s job to nurture you.  Your partner is there to have your back as you strive for greatness AS A MAN – that’s it! That’s all.

Now if you can’t get with that, you need to not have a girlfriend or a wife because you are not mature enough. Go get a bottle, fill it with Pablum, and suck away.

Any Black woman reading this – get clear. I have no patience for Black women that coddle and nurture men. Your behavior towards them is contributing to the sorry pile of shit we have in the Black community running around calling themselves “men” now. Step back and let their big heads hit the ground. That is the only way children learn, by doing. You cannot protect your children from every scrape and cut, and you most certainly cannot and should not even try to protect adult men.

Do not ever use the word “nurture” in relation to your relationship with a grown ass man ever again.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," and "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on Examiner.Com, SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

10 comments
ThaRain
ThaRain

Fact is ,no hot sister is letting a man lay upon her.Unattractive,fat and women with a mess of children and more than one baby daddy are the only black women that will let a guy lay up on them like this.And for every one guy that pimp women like this,there are 4 or more women that has some sucker manginia working two jobs to keep her material worshiping azz in Coach bags and full of designer cup cakes.You see a black woman driving a nice car,chances are some blue collar idiot is busting his azz to pay her car note and get her nails "did".The hotter looking the woman is the greater the chance she is trading coochie for food,jewels,cars,clothes and college money.

cpalwaysjc6
cpalwaysjc6

Hi, I don't see a problem of women nuturing men.  ONLY, if he has a job, works hard everyday and bring money in the house and take on some household responsibilities.  Now, I don't think a woman shouldn't do all those things if the guy, refuses to get a job and go to work like a man should,  lazy, sit up in the house all day long and watch tv using up the water,lights and eating up all the food while the woman is out all day working, driving her car and don't put gas in, run the streets all day, laying up in the house having sex with her that she is paying for, cheating on her getting other women pregnant.  I think these are the reasons why sisters should nurturing grown men.

jazmin1957
jazmin1957

That is definately psychopathic (using) behavior, like fake actors being loving and giving compliments, then he is off doing the same damn thing to someone else? This isn't love, just a user being a fake. However, I am still wondering why is this always a color issue? Immaturity is prevalent everywhere, but yes it seems black males are taught this bullshit by older males who should know better. Anyway, these boys need to grow up and understand the difference between childlike behaviour (having fun and being cute) and childish (immature, lazy ass, selfish, mooch behavior) such as taking anything he can get for free take, but having little to give back except for a lot of lip service.

Andrea
Andrea

I've been thinking about why that "He said" section of your last article ticked me off. This post summed it up. The whole making men feel like men and nurturing them garbage is all part of the same idiotic mindset. And it blows!!!

I have a boyfriend who makes me feel safe and happy, because he is sure of who he is, not just as a man, but as a human being. There is no ambivalence in him. That is extremely sexy. I don't know how the women who do the whole nurturing/re-raising an adult do it, without ending up wanting to stab their man-child to death. I could never "nurture" an adult. It's too bizarre for me! I am soooo grateful for my parents.

Deborrah
Deborrah

This is not a color issue at all; however, since this site PRIMARILY focuses on African American issues, our focus is of course on Black women and Black men. Not exclusively of course, but the demographic that this site was designed to service is Black Americans and those in interracial relationships with Black Americans, over the age of 35. Anyone else that can benefit from the articles and information shared here is of course welcome to participate.

We welcome the participation and sharing of experiences and wisdom from anyone that comes to this site.

Deborrah
Deborrah

You are right Andrea, that "ambivalence" is what keeps a lot of women on the hook because one day or week or month the guy is into them and the relationship, and the next he isn't sure. So they bend over backwards and jump through hoops trying to get him to love them the way he did before. This angst and drama, the up and down of longing for something, wanting it but its kept just out of reach is very powerful psychological motivator for humans. Too bad women don't understand this dynamic and use it against men instead of allowing men to use it against them.

ThaRain
ThaRain

@Deborrah You sounded real anti intellectual and phony on Power Talk 1380 on Tuesday when the Brother asked you where you got your scientific data.You even said you rejected his question.Well,we reject your opinions and false data.It is all the woman's fault if she let's some bum lay up on her,just like it's all of the sucker guys' fault that work two jobs to keep some faux diva in weaves,designer cup cakes,bags,and pay their car notes and cup cakes and cup cakes and cup cakes.And unlike you black women,the black men I know make fun of any whipped suka that would take care of an able bodied grown azz ,"independent"cup cake sucking cup cake and vittle junkie.

blackcaesar
blackcaesar

So Deb, I guess your not down with that whole adult baby fetish thing, LOL! Are you saying that it's wrong for a woman to cook her boyfriend dinner? I don't mean that it should be an expectation or like a duty that she performs night after night like a mother would for her child, but it's o.k. as a nice gesture of kindness right. I mean that's what relationships are about right? Treating the ones we like kindly and being good to one another. I'm looking at that list of yours as to what women should not do and I'm flipping it where it says man and putting in woman. So, I, as a man, am not there to take some woman out to dinner (i.e. feeding her). I am not there to protect some grown ass woman. I don't know how that one would work, but if I'm in some harms way, I know I would want my woman to tell me and thus protect me. I thought that was called having your partner's back. You say that a woman should not be there to foster some grown ass man. Hmmm, you see that word foster can be used a lot of ways. Let's take Barak and Michelle Obama. While Barak was a community organizer, Michelle was working in blue-chip Chicago corporate law firm. Was it wrong for her to "foster" him by paying the lions-share of the bills while he pursued his career. If so, then it seems like more black women need to foster black men, because they're happily married.

Razzy
Razzy

 @ThaRain  @Deborrah As Brooklyn Blue so aptly put it:

 

"There is a phenomenon amongst black men that I have nick named the 'Prove It!' Rebuttal. It works like this...anytime a woman, especially if she is black, speaks to the collective negative experience of black women, (particularly at the hands of black men) some guy will come along and demand evidentiary  proof to validate and verify what she says. A black woman MUST have statistics, data, charts, graphs, studied, scientifically controlled lab results, archeological Findings, carbon dating and stone tablets carved by Jesus himself, in order for her words to have merit. The shit is hilarious, and it never fails. All these brothas who CLAIM to give women their due, still find I hard to accept what she has to say, without 3rd party qualification, quantification or verification. So many brothas are sexist to their core...and don't even realize it. Damn shame."

Deborrah
Deborrah

Nope, not saying that at all. But if she sat there and fed him, then yeah. And he should not be demanding that she cook for him like he is a child! She works too and is tired after work just like he is. So HE can cook sometimes, or they can go out, or if she has to pick up kids and whatnot, he can pick up take out for dinner. Partnership, not babying.

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