Deborrah, several men have told me that my standards are too high and that’s why I’m single! Can a woman’s standards be TOO high?
This is a very interesting question, and an charge that is levied upon many women. To me though, the concept that someone’s standards can be “too high” means only one thing… the person complaining that they are “too high” is doing so because he doesn’t measure up. It also means he knows he never will measure up either… he will never be THAT man for you. The bar that you have set with regards to commitment, exclusivity, devotion, support, honesty, education, sexual performance, communication, responsibility, financial security, commitment or physical attractiveness is beyond his reach.
Over the past 18 years, I’ve repeatedly stated my belief that men are simple creates that prefer to do whatever is easiest. If a guy has a choice between a basic woman with low standards that meets his needs for sex and companionship that asks him for nothing, does everything herself, and who doesn’t require much from him, he’ll choose her.
The woman with high standards has usually had a strong man in her life, most likely a devoted father or father figure that saw to it she was raised to expect nothing but the best from men.
Fathers demand that the young men that come courting their daughters be gentlemen. Young men are expected by fathers to come inside and to meet the parents of his date, not honk from the curb. Young men are expected to be clean cut, adhere to curfews, be responsible for the safe return of the parent’s child, have a job and something going for himself, and to treat the entire family and their home with nothing but respect.
Sadly, our society has turned on its head so that the majority of young men and women are being raised without the steadying, positive influence of a loving Dad in their life. The behavior of many men towards women is appalling… but what’s worse to me is that so many women think this behavior acceptable! Young men have few social graces, no etiquette, and freely use inappropriate language towards and about women. Again, there are many women that think this behavior acceptable, or at least tolerable.
Everyone must have standards. Your standards become the criteria used to compare the men or women that come into your life to see if they measure up. If you don’t have standards, you’ll risk becoming involved with married or other emotionally unavailable sorts, as well as men that are abusive. You also risk developing an attachment to someone that you know is all wrong for you.
There are plenty of desperate, lonely women with no standards… women fearful of being alone that allow lazy men to get away with murder. If you aren’t sure what “standards” are, let me provide you with a few examples:
1. He says “I’ll call you tonight after I get off work”, but you go to bed at 10 p.m. and your phone didn’t ring. The woman with low standards would have tried to call him and/or text him, probably several times, thinking “oh he forgot” and long for him just that much harder. The woman with high standards will turn her phone off at 10:00 and go to bed, assured that this guy will be put on the back burner due to his flakiness and lack of follow-through.
2. The two of you have gone out a total of 3 times in 10 days, and the issue of sex is on the table. There are quite a few things about this man’s past, present and future that are fuzzy, perhaps due to vague responses, phone calls that he has to take outside, unaccounted for disappearances for several days at a time. You aren’t sure where he works or what exactly he “consults” on either. He doesn’t like to use condoms and has explained that since they are an item now, he doesn’t feel the need to wear one. The woman with low standards will ignore the rushed pressured feeling and have unprotected sex with a guy she knows nothing about. The woman with high standards will assertively state her discomfort with the situation, explaining that she needs to know him better FIRST. She further explains that should she consent to have sex with him, condoms will definitely be a part of the equation. No glove, no love.
3. He suggests a movie and a casual burger dinner at Fuddruckers on Saturday night. The move starts at 9:15, he tells you to be ready at 7:00 p.m. At 7:10 he calls from a bar where he is drinking with friends and says he’ll pick you up at 9:00 instead. The woman with low standards says “okay, fine, I’ll be ready!” The woman with high standards tells the caller that she is disappointed that he is treating her with such disdain and that there is no need to come or to call her ever again. She knows that when something is important to a man, he makes time for it.
4. After dating for a few months he suggests moving in together. There was no mention of marriage or anything long-term, just that it would “make things easier.” He wants to move into HER place. The woman with low standards jumps on it, hoping that something important will come out of the new arrangement. There is no discussion about splitting expenses, so she finds herself paying for everything with increased expenses for food and water while he spends his former rent money on a new car, rims, a new big screen television, and alcohol. The woman with high standards declines the invitation immediately and explains that she does not provide wifely services to anyone she is not married to… to anyone that is not willing to provide “husbandly” services in return.
5. After attending the birthday party of your 2 year old nephew, the subject of children comes up. He is ready to start a family and suggests you stop using birth control and that you two stop using condoms so that you can get pregnant. The woman with low standards thinks having a baby by some man unwilling to make a marital commitment to her means something. The woman with high standards firmly explains that until she is properly married she will not be doing anything of the sort. She has no interest in becoming a “baby’s momma.”
Certainly, we each have the right to look for the person we believe would be our absolutely perfect match, and I am in no way suggesting that anyone compromise on morals, values, spiritual affiliation or intelligence. With that said, I must concede that there might be single men and women out here whose standards are unrealistic or a little inflexible.
If you insist that you could never date someone who didn’t have an advanced degree, make at least six figures, rate 9.5 on a scale of 1-10 (when you are a 5 at best), that loves to ski and play Yahtzee, and is still a virgin with no children at 35, you just might need to get real. Should that be the case, your standards are not too high they’re just silly.
Listen as Deborrah explains the importance of having and maintaining standards when dating.
Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder