Can Dating Standards Be “Too” High?

| 09/01/2009 | Comments (15)

Deborrah, several men have told me that my standards are too high and that’s why I’m single! Can a woman’s standards be TOO high?

This is a very interesting question, and an charge that is levied upon many women. To me though, the concept that someone’s standards can be “too high” means only one thing… the person complaining that they are “too high” is doing so because he doesn’t measure up. It also means he knows he never will measure up either… he will never be THAT man for you. The bar that you have set with regards to commitment, exclusivity, devotion, support, honesty, education, sexual performance, communication, responsibility, financial security, commitment or physical attractiveness is beyond his reach.
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Over the past 18 years, I’ve repeatedly stated my belief that men are simple creates that prefer to do whatever is easiest. If a guy has a choice between a basic woman with low standards that meets his needs for sex and companionship that asks him for nothing, does everything herself, and who doesn’t require much from him, he’ll choose her.

The woman with high standards has usually had a strong man in her life, most likely a devoted father or father figure that saw to it she was raised to expect nothing but the best from men.

Fathers demand that the young men that come courting their daughters be gentlemen. Young men are expected by fathers to come inside and to meet the parents of his date, not honk from the curb. Young men are expected to be clean cut, adhere to curfews, be responsible for the safe return of the parent’s child, have a job and something going for himself, and to treat the entire family and their home with nothing but respect.

Sadly, our society has turned on its head so that the majority of young men and women are being raised without the steadying, positive influence of a loving Dad in their life. The behavior of many men towards women is appalling… but what’s worse to me is that so many women think this behavior acceptable! Young men have few social graces, no etiquette, and freely use inappropriate language towards and about women. Again, there are many women that think this behavior acceptable, or at least tolerable.

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Everyone must have standards. Your standards become the criteria used to compare the men or women that come into your life to see if they measure up. If you don’t have standards, you’ll risk becoming involved with married or other emotionally unavailable sorts, as well as men that are abusive. You also risk developing an attachment to someone that you know is all wrong for you.

There are plenty of desperate, lonely women with no standards… women fearful of being alone that allow lazy men to get away with murder. If you aren’t sure what “standards” are, let me provide you with a few examples:

1. He says “I’ll call you tonight after I get off work”, but you go to bed at 10 p.m. and your phone didn’t ring. The woman with low standards would have tried to call him and/or text him, probably several times, thinking “oh he forgot” and long for him just that much harder. The woman with high standards will turn her phone off at 10:00 and go to bed, assured that this guy will be put on the back burner due to his flakiness and lack of follow-through.

2. The two of you have gone out a total of 3 times in 10 days, and the issue of sex is on the table. There are quite a few things about this man’s past, present and future that are fuzzy, perhaps due to vague responses, phone calls that he has to take outside, unaccounted for disappearances for several days at a time. You aren’t sure where he works or what exactly he “consults” on either. He doesn’t like to use condoms and has explained that since they are an item now, he doesn’t feel the need to wear one. The woman with low standards will ignore the rushed pressured feeling and have unprotected sex with a guy she knows nothing about. The woman with high standards will assertively state her discomfort with the situation, explaining that she needs to know him better FIRST. She further explains that should she consent to have sex with him, condoms will definitely be a part of the equation. No glove, no love.

3. He suggests a movie and a casual burger dinner at Fuddruckers on Saturday night. The move starts at 9:15, he tells you to be ready at 7:00 p.m. At 7:10 he calls from a bar where he is drinking with friends and says he’ll pick you up at 9:00 instead. The woman with low standards says “okay, fine, I’ll be ready!” The woman with high standards tells the caller that she is disappointed that he is treating her with such disdain and that there is no need to come or to call her ever again. She knows that when something is important to a man, he makes time for it.

4. After dating for a few months he suggests moving in together. There was no mention of marriage or anything long-term, just that it would “make things easier.” He wants to move into HER place. The woman with low standards jumps on it, hoping that something important will come out of the new arrangement. There is no discussion about splitting expenses, so she finds herself paying for everything with increased expenses for food and water while he spends his former rent money on a new car, rims, a new big screen television, and alcohol. The woman with high standards declines the invitation immediately and explains that she does not provide wifely services to anyone she is not married to… to anyone that is not willing to provide “husbandly” services in return.

5. After attending the birthday party of your 2 year old nephew, the subject of children comes up. He is ready to start a family and suggests you stop using birth control and that you two stop using condoms so that you can get pregnant. The woman with low standards thinks having a baby by some man unwilling to make a marital commitment to her means something. The woman with high standards firmly explains that until she is properly married she will not be doing anything of the sort. She has no interest in becoming a “baby’s momma.”

Certainly, we each have the right to look for the person we believe would be our absolutely perfect match, and I am in no way suggesting that anyone compromise on morals, values, spiritual affiliation or intelligence. With that said, I must concede that there might be single men and women out here whose standards are unrealistic or a little inflexible.

If you insist that you could never date someone who didn’t have an advanced degree, make at least six figures, rate 9.5 on a scale of 1-10 (when you are a 5 at best), that loves to ski and play Yahtzee, and is still a virgin with no children at 35, you just might need to get real. Should that be the case, your standards are not too high they’re just silly.

Listen as Deborrah explains the importance of having and maintaining standards when dating.

What to Do When He Doesn’t Give a Fuck!

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder

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Comments (15)

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  1. […] There are times in life where we must draw the line and refuse to compromise: how we’re treated, how our children are raised and what we spend time and money on, for example. But when it comes to living day-to-day with others, rigidity can make the already-slim pickings out there practically non-existent. And if you haven’t been cast to appear on the next season’s The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, who needs that? […]

  2. cardiologyguy says:

    I got a wife from overseas…so I don’t have to worry about these things.

  3. shadow2 says:

    “Over the past 18 years, I’ve repeatedly stated my belief that men are
    simple creates that prefer to do whatever is easiest.”
    Only be reading this, any smart man or woman should read no more from this article, because here you call all men simple which is like synonym of stupid, and lazy which means you either fail to see the truth, or you are too proud woman to admit it. And i won’t even explain why this statement contradicts with the entire human history, but i will tell you the correct word to name the thing that apparently has deceived you for the last 18 years of your life. It’s called – practicality, racionality

  4. KatieMunchmaQuchiSmith says:

    @Bea I dunno, Bea, maybe Joe above can explain -snicker- Worse you have a whole “movement” of people just like him who are bitter because they think they’re owed pussy just for existing. Then, like I said above, it’s EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT that he’s not getting the pussy he thinks he’s owed.

  5. KatieMunchmaQuchiSmith says:

    JoeSpennato WRONG! I see poor and ugly motherfuckers with wives and girlfriends and kids EVERY DAY. Yours are the statements of a guy who thinks just be being born with a penis, he is owed pussy but hasn’t taken initiative to get what he wants and because what he wants hasn’t fallen into his lap. Thus, he’s angry at the world and thus blaming EVERYONE ELSE for his problems. I dunno what your mama taught you, but your life is in YOUR hands. Stay away from the MRA sites, they’re just going to make you angrier and thus less attractive to women. You aren’t owed a woman. Pussy is not your birth right. If you want a woman, you’re going to have to prove you’re worth it, just like she has to prove her worth to you. Try leaving the house some time.

  6. KatieMunchmaQuchiSmith says:

    indyjones16 Good! Now tell every guy you know that the way you behave is how it needs to be done! Although, good men tend to hang around with other good men, so they can’t even imagine what it must be like to be a piece of garbage like the guys in the article.

  7. KatieMunchmaQuchiSmith says:

    The only problem is that, because respect for women is at an all-time low and because so many women accept it as the norm, the woman who has even ONE of these standards, let alone all of them finds alone with a load of cats….or maybe she buries her desperate loneliness in charity work or something of the sort.

  8. indyjones16 says:

    Good grief, this article is insane! As a Christian man every single item on this list is a no-brainer for me! No sex before marriage = that makes condoms, children, and moving in together out of the question.

  9. JoeSpennato says:

    The only standards that matter for women are money and looks.  Protestations to the contrary are a ruse designed to deflect beta men.  Furthermore, women will constantly revalue their standards upwards whenever they meet a potential man.  Basically again this means American men cannot date American women unless they are rich, hot or convicted felons (that is the bad boy factor).  If you disagree, you can kiss my ass.

    • Deborrah says:

      Those are the standards for some women, just as looks and a body are the sole standards for some men. Usually the very young and immature. But most, by the time they hit 35/40, look for something more, something deeper and richer. Those men in their 40s still trying to date 20 something women will experience rejection based on their bellies and bald spots. Oh well, date women your age whydon’tcha. Women also have standards of attractiveness, just like men. If you don’t turn a woman on, no matter how in shape or attractive you think you are, it won’t work. She might like dark haired men with dark eyes while you are blond/blue. Won’t work. She might like tall men while you are 5’5″. Won’t work. She might like muscular men that work out while you have the skeletonized body of a computer geek. Won’t work. You might have a big belly and a beard while she prefers trim men with no facial hair. Won’t work. You might speak with an accent while she prefers a straight American. Won’t work. She might want a man that has no children while you’ve been divorced twice and have a baby momma. Won’t work. There are a lot of reasons that women reject men and vice versa. Don’t worry about it – just move on to find someone else that likes you just the way you are.

  10. Bea says:

    I agree with Raz that what you’ve described is common sense for women.

    I’ve always been told that my standards are too high when I ask for a man who is intelligent, honest and hardworking. People are always telling me to drop my standards, and its becoming disheartening.

    If I described all my own personal qualities and achievements, they would far outshine my basic standards for a man, yet why do people always insist we aim lower, because “Mr Perfect does not exist”?

  11. Erin says:

    Great article!! Though to me these points don’t sound like high standards but simply good self esteem! I have let people walk all over me and do nearly all these things because I didn’t think I deserved much… now I’m a little older and a little wiser, I don’t tolerate any crap. I would far rather be single for a lifetime than go through any of that again…

    And I disagree that women with low standards are making it harder for women with good stadards. Sure men will always use weaker women but a lot of men go crazy for women with good self esteem and who respect themselves. You attract bigger fish with better bait 🙂

  12. Kelly says:

    I think that these standards are necessary, because I am in my early 20’s and I am dating and I find that if you don’t have high standards than the men you meet don’t even come close. I have those standards because in my eyes I am worthy of meeting someone like that. It might take me a while to find them, but I will and I really think that the more patience you have the sooner it will happen. Patience is the key to finding someone you might spend the rest of your life with. Being single, I think it is work to find someone like that but I feel it is a must.

  13. Raz says:

    Great article. It is sad that what is considered to be ‘high standards’ with women really should be ‘normal standards and common sense for women’. But as the article stated, the dating world is turned up on it’s head these days. This article is on point. Water seeks it’s own level and the level of least resistance. Women with low standards makes it harder for women who do have standards. Guys don’t have to rise up to meet them when they can just go around the corner to sallysue who is ready to meet the guy on his level…..sigh. Guys have very little incentive to be better men and better mates/partners to women these days because there are far too many accommodating women out there meeting them on ‘their low level’.

  14. Rose M. says:

    This post is the absolute truth and the conclusion is laugh out loud funny.

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