Can Exes Be Just Friends?
A reader wrote to ask that question via the Skribit suggestion box. I’ve been pondering the issue from all sides as I look at couples and how they handled the “friendship” thing after a breakup. I’ve come to the following conclusions:
- Unless a couple has a child or multiple children between them that would require seeing each other intermittently over an extended period of time (meaning decades) – interacting at school events, birthday parties, graduations, engagement parties, weddings, christenings, the birthday parties of grandchildren, etc. there is absolutely, positively no need for them to even try to “be friends”;
- Two people that dated and broke up because of incompatibilities, mistreatment, cheating or other bad behavior should not try to cushion the blow of the split by saying some fake “let’s be friends!” nonsense. Women are notorious for offering such an olive branch, as women are socialized to be pleasers and worry about hurting other people’s feelings. In such a case, whoever is offering the friendship bone is usually trying to ease out of the relationship with as little drama as possible, as he or she has no real intention of actually maintaining a friendship of any type.
- Two people that dated and broke up due to cheating, mistreatment, lack of affection, and incompatibilities have a negative history. The issues that caused you to split will repeatedly come up as you continue to interact. Even if your ex forgives you for your transgressions, he or she will never forget. Why subject yourself to repeated accusations, interrogation, anger and tears? Just move on already!
- When an ex insists on being your friend though you would prefer that they go up in flames, it is actually their way of hanging onto the possibility that you will forgive and forget and come back for more pain. Sometimes though, all they really want is to be around in a moment of weakness when you are feeling lonely and vulnerable. The goal in these situations is to catch you when you’re feeling blue, so they can slide in and sex you down or ask you for something like money. Your “friendship” is really all about them creating opportunities to continue to use and hurt you.
To me, maintaining a close “friendship” with someone you formerly loved and had sex with is not going to do anything positive for a new relationship. Having this ex hanging around, calling, texting, and trying to see you will just make your new partners feel insecure, unhappy, unloved and jealous. Why ruin what could be the relationship of your dreams hanging around with and talking to someone you already know is not good for you?
The bottom line is that even if exes CAN be just friends due to both having strict boundaries, firm standards for appropriate behavior, and no interest in being anything more than casual acquaintances, what is the point? Get a new friend – one you haven’t slept with! Once you break off a relationship with an ex, its best to cut all ties and move on. Don’t call each other, don’t try to have lunch, don’t try to see how the other’s life is since you broke up, and don’t invite them over to “talk” and hang out as you used to do in the past.
Clear the path to your mind, heart and spirit by eliminating all ties to former lovers and any associated baggage. You cannot live in both the past and the present at the same time. Old loves and damaged relationships belong in the past and need to stay there. Let your ex go be friends with whoever is stupid enough to want that job.
Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
It's fine to be civil to an ex, but I would never be friends with someone who I didn't want to be with (or who didn't want to be with me) in the first place. If a guy wanted to dump me so that he could be "friends" with his ex, I would gladly send him back to her so that they can continue beating a dead horse.
I find it interesting that the majority of people who are friends with exes can't justify themselves without insulting the new boyfriend or girlfriend. These people have no boundaries in a relationship they don't have anymore. Unless they have kids together or it's for business reasons, exes have no reason to be in contact.
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