Critical Review of “Is Marriage for White People” by Ralph Richard Banks

. 09/22/2011 . 9 Comments

He said all of this, within the first 80 pages of the book. He goes on to speak to how black culture encourages and even shames black women into believing that it is elitist to require a partner be at or above your level in life. He cites memes in magazine like Essence, and themes in Tyler Perry movies, which repeatedly have a lonely, successful, bitter, black woman reluctantly finding her Prince Charming out by the curb as he picks up her garbage on his garbage route! And he also talks about the low success rates of marriages of this kind, and how black women and black men who are not on the same socio-economic level often divorce at a higher rate then other marriages.

Author Ralph Richard Banks speaks to the double standard, prevalent in the black community, where black men are condoned and even promoted into interracial relationships, where black women are guilt tripped into staying loyal to black men. He speaks to the idea that no other race of men finds black women attractive, and how untrue that notion is. He brings up the fact that black culture is RIFE with Colorism, and how studies show, lighter skinned sistas get married at a higher rate then darker skinned ones. And he talks about the affect all of this is having on black children… how all this dysfunction is damaging our kids and creating a new generation full of disharmony and chaos.

And then he makes a suggestion to black women that some may find surprising, others may find liberating, while other may find it objectionable…disturbing, even. But I will not speak on that. I will not disclose any more of the book. I will let you go out, buy it, read it, see for yourselves, how black women could take back some of our power, level the playing field and find the love so many of us seek. And if you are anything like me, you will be dumbfounded, saddened, scared, enlightened, and emboldened with a new sense of personal power, in which YOU, not black men, dictate the terms of your happiness. I saw myself in this book.

I saw family members, who were forced to adopt children in their 40’s because their IBM never showed up. I saw friends facing that ticking clock, considering sperm donors, rather then go without motherhood, because they cant ‘find a good black man’.

I saw women I know who man share, and have been emotionally, financially and physically abused, trying to hold onto a piece of a man. I saw my sister-girls, some going thru divorce, some dealing with cheating spouses, some trying to hold on to a marriage with a man who is not on her level and cannot handle not being in control financially.

I saw women I know who tried to save an ex convict or recovering drug addict. I saw women I know, who tried to get a man ‘into church’ so that he would finally get his life straight, only to be kicked out, locked out and pushed out on the street with small children and no where to go. I saw friends, married to preachers, who under the guise of “loving the Lord’ mistreated her and their kids, like a criminal from Rikers Island. I saw friends who found out their husbands were gay.

I saw struggling single moms, burnt out and tired, sacrificing all they have for their children. I saw women I know, who contracted herpes, Chlamydia, gonorrhea and other forms of sexually transmitted diseases from the men they THOUGHT they were in an sexually exclusive relationship with. I saw women I know opt for abortions, after the man they just knew would be there to support them, abandoned them upon being told of the pregnancy. I saw women like you.

And I saw Myself.

Once a Power to the People, “support a brotha’, ‘afro centric, ‘the white man is the devil’, shaved head, pierced nose, ‘revolutionary minded” black woman, who is now realizing that its time to expand my options, and deal with men who recognize the unique beauty of MY kind of womanhood, where power struggles, pretense, expectations of physical perfection and living off of ‘potential’ are no longer the mainstays of my romantic life. I realized that it makes more sense to date out than to date down.

And I recognize that whether I marry, or not, have more kids, or not, date exclusively, or live la vida loca, I will from this point on, do it with my eyes wide open, and on MY terms.

I saw myself in this book. And I decided its time to change that reflection. Who else is ready?

i
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Category: Book Reviews, Society and Culture


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