Dating and Relationships – Are Most Black Men Sociopaths?

| 10/19/2011 | Comments (39)
There was a guy I used to have the most interesting discussions with last year about gender, society, men and women (we'll call him "Malik" for the sake of this article). "Malik" and I didn't always agree, but the conversations were always interesting. In one, we were discussing how many men cheat on their woman (even having children with other females while married), and manipulate women with lies and games. I was commenting on how it seems that too many Black men view relationships as nothing more than tools to control women and get sex, and how little of themselves they were apparently willing to put into their relationships and marriages. At the same time, these men are demanding total obeisance and "submission" ... to be given free reign to "lead" without question. "Malik" told me that women would have a hard time knowing if a guy was sincere or not, and that men often PRETEND to love. He's a mature and thoughtful guy, and I appreciate his openness and analysis. As he shared his lifetime observations, I realized his statements indicated that most Black men knowingly and consciously play a role to get a woman, while investing little to no emotion in her or the relationship. Therefore a woman's reality would be totally manipulated and under his control... she would have no way of knowing if the treatment she received from him is real or nothing but a game; she would also not know if his proclamations of love are true or not. I still remember that conversation. Though "Malik" was very honest about how Black men think and love and relationships, his words were deeply disturbing. From his description it would appear that almost all Black men are sociopaths that purposefully set Black women up to be their unknowing victims. Can that possibly be true? After all, sociopaths don't wear a sign or tag, and look completely normal.  However, according to the traits and behaviors which psychologists deem to be those of a sociopath, Malik's statements appear to be completely on target. "Malik's" words rang in my ears and have been the source of much consternation since. More than a year has passed, but I am still not sure what I will do with this information, but I believe it to be an issue worthy of discussing on an upcoming Date Smarter Not Harder! broadcast. Profile of the Sociopath This summarizes some of the common features and descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
  • Glibness and Superficial Charm Words are spoken in a smooth, easy manner. They appear to be quite fluent with language which appeals to women's auditory nature. Charming and polite, they may come across as too good to be true.
  • Manipulative and Conning They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
  • Grandiose Sense of Self Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
  • Pathological Lying Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
  • Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
  • Shallow Emotions When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
  • Incapacity for Love They possess a self-centeredness that is unchanging. Sociopaths and psychopaths are skillful in pretending a love for women or simulating parental devotion to their children.
  • Need for Stimulation Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
  • Callousness/Lack of Empathy Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
  • Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
  • Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
  • Irresponsibility/Unreliability Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
  • Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
  • Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
  • Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Other Related Qualities: Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them Authoritarian Secretive Paranoid Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired Conventional appearance Goal of enslavement of their victim(s) Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love) Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim Incapable of real human attachment to another Unable to feel remorse or guilt Extreme narcissism and grandiose May state readily that their goal is to rule the world They scapegoat and blame. Sociopaths are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always the fault of someone else.   (The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder

37 comments
swirlygirl
swirlygirl

Yes I was with two men that displayed all of these character traits. These types of men target women and are highly deceptive. Both men were this type and was able to escape both times. I started researching this subject and it is indeed a phenomenon, occuring especially in the black comunity. I have my 13 year old daughter who I sometimes have read your work. Thank you!

TheAmericanaOya
TheAmericanaOya

oh damn this really turns me off from bm, treating them like shit is starting to sound better

KimberlyJessy
KimberlyJessy

I believe this here, what was written in this article is real talk, and it just "certifies" my belief and my decision to completely move on from EVER mating with, dating, procreating, or marry any one of the Sociopaths, described in this article from the BC. They are not worth it

livingforpeace
livingforpeace

The usual excuses by bm are the women that want thugs. Seriously? What about the women holding out for their black prince/king? my longer post wouldn't post so I will keep it short and sweet. Married the good guy who was exactly as this article stated. His 16 year old daughter suggested I copy/paste this to him! She experiences this him everyday in how he treats all of us that he devastated by his lifestyle of gaming us all. He now labels our daughters with the same ones all black men want to label us with who want to remain the sociopaths they never intend on giving up on. He has destroyed our daughters sports career and stripped our children of the legacy HE promised to build starting with them. Through our facade of mutual dedication to providing the ideal and amazing black family we lived a complete lie. No thug, he was average with an average job driving a car that wasn't fancy,again (in case you bm missed it)not a thug. He worked up to earn a very high income. Yet, I was frugal yet built a home, life and reared children that would be the envy of most men, white or otherwise. I chose lifetime furnishings, although later accused, after exposed for the fake, of being a money whore. No, I had no department store credit cards and never hid purchases in case that is a bm's response on here. I am not fat, ugly in or outwardly, ghetto, neck snapping etc. I don't wear fake hair, nails or stay at the mall....I almost always shopped discount or sale racks but usually was more interested in our families needs. I provided, as my father calls them, "Sunday" meals every day. All from scratch, no fried and mostly organic. I believed in financial responsibility and accountability, I was a woman of faith, I supported many choices he made but attempted to be the voice of reason on the most ridiculous ones. In the end, I was ridiculed, demeaned and devalued to my children to justify chasing white women for validation. His hatred of his female relatives, his self and black women in general was apparent in his daily, hourly and even seemingly every minute hunt for his white and very easy victims. Real1 or whoever came here to defend bm. Not all black women are the reason for these men simply having no moral fiber. I know atheists, I would trust way more than the fake spiritual man I married. Trying to suggest looking in a mirror repossessed(literally and figuratively) because black men can't control their own impulses or again, because the black woman wasn't there to stop them, will no longer work. That tactic is being exposed for what it is. All one has to do is read some of the characteristics of the sociopath above or even narcissism to see what the tactic is. In fact, sexual addiction books I have borrowed from my therapist fathers library suggests that many of the same men have an addictive personality and behavior. Get off of the (figurative)crack bm! I am no saint but I am also not the one who preyed on women, children and sought out any whore who would lick, suck or screw my husband. How you can come on here to blame all of that behavior on the Jerry Springer trash I and many bw AREN'T. Since a fraction of bw compared to the vast amount of Black men who are playas from white to blue to prison collar is likely not comparable, I have to wonder...which collar are you popping? The bw that contribute to the pain of more women and children for the sake of continuing this sick and twisted game....can choose to play...I am so out! I have real children not grown ones to raise. I hope and pray that the women of strong character having black children can fight tooth and nail to create an environment of love, peace and generosity beyond themselves and families. That they will live in health and not exist in the illness bm and their willing partners want to subject the rest of us bm, bw and bc to.

livingforpeace
livingforpeace

This all sounds like my soon to be ex. Real1 talks like the men discussed HAVE to be playas and thugs. My husband is the so called good guy...in public. He played me worse than any dog in the street since a lot of the dogs just call themselves such.

Mine called himself a conservative christian for the sake of locking me and the children down while he played in the next state over while at "work". His day to day goal of impressing his white coworkers with the fact that he was republican and to sound like he was more than a poor ghetto boy from a very depraved childhood of the same type of lack of family values was also helpful with the occasional stray and desperate women, usually white.

I thought I chose the good guy who grew up with a painful experience of having parents that caused him issues that he didn't want to inflict on our children. He had just begun a career and I was going to start one after my licensing but jointly opted to be a one income household. I spent years showing the dept of love you have said SHOULD be important to men above her sexual acuity. When he semi-trucked almost two decades of the facade I was led to believe I lived with incorrigible sexual conquests on a mini Tiger level, it was naturally all my fault.

I MAY have had too many boyfriends coupled with his rage/bitterness with his female family for all of their trifling. While the men exhibited foul and at times serious sexually exploitative and criminal behavior towards women and children as I found out after we married).

He is now trying to convince our daughters that a woman who doesn't whore herself out for her "man" will be treated the same way he treated their mother. This, after years of hiding and lying behind the life of respect that I created at home while he ran the streets chasing anything that said yes.

He seemed so excited that he could "charm" with his grandiose ideas of the money he didn't really have (even with a high salary) his job title, his smooth talking, pictures on the coast his pregnant wife (me)took, or his feigned sensitivity and misrepresented dedication to our daughter and her professional career. One of our daughters was on the cusp of an amazing opportunity to travel the world with both of parents for a sport she would surely have become very successful at. We had recently had a son. In all of this, he is angry...yes, angry or worse, at times, dismissive about the hurt and devastation of this all. He is now labeling our daughters with the same labels he slapped on me in his mind and eventually in my face when I found him out.

Real1, I would love to believe your obvious need to pin this on only the ghetto men while you obviously make every woman a ghetto loving loser. Or worse, a neck snapping, back popping, overweight, bitter and even ugly black woman. My husband has tried that. It would make this simple to explain to my children to tell them that look at your foul ass momma.

Problem is, they more than he, really spent the needed time to know the real me. The gorgeous woman who can turn heads if she tried but went modest to soothe her immature mans insecurities. What was my reward for being that woman? I was frumpy according to him! Now without him, I chose to be ME everyday and heads turn. I am not an attention hog but, me, my style, my spirit, my current clothing, my beauty(inner and outer), the confidence of my children, their beauty and our overall aura is something that he could never capture with all his scheming.

I can only work to build my children to carry the blessing of a good spirit and heart and hope that one day he can heal. One day, all of the black community can choose life and love instead of this death we call life.

eLLe85
eLLe85

Real1--

Dude, you still don't seem to get it. You keep talking about what women are choosing, even as you admit the men you know like your father, are the ones behaving badly. So NO, not "some men need to take accountability for their actions.."---ALL men, especially BLACK men do period. A woman may very well think she is choosing a decent, educated and truthful man because as even you admit--that is what the FOOL IS PORTRAYING himself to be. Do you get it? IF MOST MEN especially BLACK men are followers, then it stands to reason that MOST of them will behave like depraved, lying, cheating, base-level, gutter-ball trash assholes. A real woman (not an immature girl who has internalized her oppression) who first links up with a man--is expecting him to be who he says he is. You want us to trust you and take you for your word, but you wound up being deceitful, lying ass deceptiCONS--so what can women do about that besides get what she can from it and move on and out and away from trifling ass men? Trifiling ass men come in all shapes, sizes and colors, from ALL walks of life. UNTIL MEN CHANGE THEIR TRIFLING BEHAVIOR, things won't change period.

joeclyde
joeclyde

Interesting. How all of the qualities of a social path. Seem to be similar to what most black women are attracted to in Black men.

Swag for days y'all.

Trixie
Trixie

Dang Deborrah....bringing the knowledge again. What is wrong with this picture? It's truly perplexing and heartbreaking.

realbeautifulwomenwearscarves
realbeautifulwomenwearscarves

As a single black woman in her 30's I can honestly agree with this article. I do believe this profile is particular to BM in America and their approach to dating. I don't think they have criminal intentions but they seemingly have no understanding for and/or have no respect for the methods of humanity nor the value of the dignified and emotionally healthy woman.

I came from an immigrant family. I grew up in Atlanta over the last 30 years. I grew up in community, love and culture. Upon joining the American dating scene in my early 20's I was eager and open to the idea of continuing the blueprint of community, love and culture my parents modeled for me, however I was sorely mistaken.

To start, I was socialized with AA people so I felt no danger in dating the men. As time passed, like any girl looking for love, my heart was broken a time or two. I was never arrogant enough to think I was exempt from heart break, however, the manner in which I received it is often the very thing that unnecessarily broke my spirit.

I do find that the dating game requires "hunters" in men. But black men have proven themselves beyond average "hunters" and instead predators. I find their behavior coinciding with cold-blooded robbers and killers of the female fragility, self-esteem spirit and in some cases overall potential. There is something quite peculiar about the BM's inability and/or desire to connect and build for the sake of happiness. I often contemplate if it is an actual inability or is it an apathy towards desire or most worse-just a game.

It is no secret that the history associated with black America typically plays a role in characterizing the social maladjustment of it's people but when is enough enough? We should not need MLKs or President Obamas constantly present for a man to regard a woman (outside his Momma) as a human worthy of dignity and respect whether he has intentions towards her or not.

Dating in black America has become one big anxiety attack for me personally. If and when I do respond to a BM's advances I often find myself paranoid and trying to detect tendencies of a sociopath. Contrarily, when I date other groups I do not. I have other cautionary thoughts but I hardly monitor against manipulation like I do with AA men. I have learned that they set out to charm, then take, only to abandon the situation in the most callous and unmarked fashion . What they unnecessarily leave behind without guilt or remorse is the remains of emotionally disfigured and disillusioned woman. I wish I wasn't so scared of them but I am so I no longer date them.

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