There was a guy I used to have the most interesting discussions with last year about gender, society, men and women (we’ll call him “Malik” for the sake of this article). “Malik” and I didn’t always agree, but the conversations were always interesting.
In one, we were discussing how many men cheat on their woman (even having children with other females while married), and manipulate women with lies and games. I was commenting on how it seems that too many Black men view relationships as nothing more than tools to control women and get sex, and how little of themselves they were apparently willing to put into their relationships and marriages. At the same time, these men are demanding total obeisance and “submission” … to be given free reign to “lead” without question.
“Malik” told me that women would have a hard time knowing if a guy was sincere or not, and that men often PRETEND to love. He’s a mature and thoughtful guy, and I appreciate his openness and analysis. As he shared his lifetime observations, I realized his statements indicated that most Black men knowingly and consciously play a role to get a woman, while investing little to no emotion in her or the relationship. Therefore a woman’s reality would be totally manipulated and under his control… she would have no way of knowing if the treatment she received from him is real or nothing but a game; she would also not know if his proclamations of love are true or not.
I still remember that conversation. Though “Malik” was very honest about how Black men think and love and relationships, his words were deeply disturbing. From his description it would appear that almost all Black men are sociopaths that purposefully set Black women up to be their unknowing victims. Can that possibly be true? After all, sociopaths don’t wear a sign or tag, and look completely normal. However, according to the traits and behaviors which psychologists deem to be those of a sociopath, Malik’s statements appear to be completely on target.
“Malik’s” words rang in my ears and have been the source of much consternation since. More than a year has passed, but I am still not sure what I will do with this information, but I believe it to be an issue worthy of discussing on an upcoming Date Smarter Not Harder! broadcast.
This summarizes some of the common features and descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
- Glibness and Superficial Charm
Words are spoken in a smooth, easy manner. They appear to be quite fluent with language which appeals to women’s auditory nature. Charming and polite, they may come across as too good to be true.
- Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
- Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”
- Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
- Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
- Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
- Incapacity for Love
They possess a self-centeredness that is unchanging. Sociopaths and psychopaths are skillful in pretending a love for women or simulating parental devotion to their children.
- Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
- Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
- Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
- Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
- Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
- Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
- Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
They scapegoat and blame. Sociopaths are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always the fault of someone else.
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder