Dating Relationships: When Does Politeness End and the Farting Begin?

| 10/06/2012 | Comments (14)

Young girls are fed a lot of storybook fantasy tales about how perfect and fulfilling relationships (and men) are. Then you grow up and realize that you weren’t told the full and complete story. Folks tend to leave out the part that addresses the day to day grind and adjustments required to make a long-term relationship work.

In other words, in real life love and marriage are not going to have you on a romantic high 24/7/365. Romantic partnerships are sometimes frustrating, sometimes murderously infuriating, and sometimes shockingly gross.

Once you live with a man, you will discover that the majority of the romantic fantasies you held dear as a girl will go up in a puff of smoke. You’re hit with the reality that the togetherness of coupledom means the rose-colored glasses get smashed as you get to know your mate well. Sometimes you wish you didn’t know him QUITE so well, as a friend of mine expressed recently.

She asked “Deb, what would you do if a guy you were talking to got too comfortable with you and farted in your presence?”

I could tell she was irritated and appalled by the behavior of the fella in question, but I thought the question was hilarious. (I know for a fact that I wouldn’t do anything but make some sort of snide comment or crass joke about the stink.)

But her question got me thinking. How do people really feel about flatulence… gas… farts in a new relationship? And how long does it take new beaus to feel comfortable enough around each other to break the “Fart Barrier” and let one fly in the presence of the other?

(continued on page 2 below)

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder

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Comments (14)

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  1. zipporah says:

    Deborrah, your funny!! LOL—I know one thing though, GUYS are notorious for lettin ’em RIP, women tend to squeeze their buttocks together and let them slowly go out–silently….XD

  2. Coleen Sosa says:

    Truth be told Raz, I have never gotten sick from smelling someone’s fart if they happen to let one fly in my presence. I can always hold my noise or leave. And the few seconds of odious smell didn’t kill me. But if someone sneezes around me, yeah I can get sick from that.

  3. eLLe85 says:

    Can I just say this entire article had me LOLOLOLOLOLOLing at my desk. Too much! But yes as the relationship grows, it would be foolish to expect that your S.O. can’t be their whole self in your presence. That doesn’t mean that folks should check their decorum at the door but still if you can’t be yourself around the person you love, then why are you there? What is the point of the relationship?

  4. Hodan says:

    I believe ‘farting’ like other unwanted moments can only happen in 3 situations without making a habit out of it:

    1. Among siblings/family were comfort zone exist

    2. in a marriage or long term committed relationship, where ones in a bloom it might escape you

    3. among guy friends or girlfriends in some crappy bonding moments, whether its eating too much of the wrong thing or getting wasted.

    Now the 1st incident you described Dr. Cooper about the lady who’s date farted on her, its disgusting because they are still in the early stages of courting. There is something called human decency or dignity and letting your fart to the world tells me a lot about your social skills/etiquette or lack there off. What will come next, poop and piss in front of me like an animal?…heck even certain mammals have basic shame around these things.

    • Raz says:

      Fortunately Hodan You don’t get to decide for the rest of the world when farting happens. Most times you probably don’t even know the person sitting next to you farted unless you smelled it. People fart all the time walking down the street in everyday life so get over it. Just because you don’t hear it doesn’t mean they aren’t farting. Its up to the individual couple to decide what is appropriate for them. We don’t know how long they dated or what. Personally I think people who can’t get over farts will always be disgusted by them even if they’ve dated the person for a year. That’s why people like you Hodan and that woman on that date, need to just go out with androids. Those nonhumanoids so they don’t ever have to be bothered by pesky little bodily functions like farts again.

      • Hodan says:

        perhaps you have difficulty with reading comprehension, but I was stating my own point of view and wasn’t drawing legal and social laws to dictate the boundaries of farting. For one, I could care less about who is farting while walking down the street since I don’t know them, neither am I sharing a confined space with them.

        This article is about willful farting around the people in your life and when is it a comfortable zone for those involved. Hence, what my comments is based upon. If you are the kind of person who releases it everywhere, then I pity the unfortunate fools around you, but please don’t take it as a personal attack on your own moral and social boundaries. I’m just stating my own experience and the basic human decency and etiquette I luckily learned from a young age.

        did not know farting was a social norm in some people’s life, but you learn something new everyday, lol.

        • Raz says:

          Hodan:“perhaps you have difficulty with reading comprehension,This article is about willful farting around the people in your life and when is it a comfortable zone for those involved.”

          Apparently you Hodan have difficulty with reading comprehension because this article isn’t about ‘willful farting’around people in your life and when is it a comfortable zone for those involved.

          That’s up to the individual couple when they are comfortable enough with each other to break the ‘fart barrier’. She didn’t specify ‘when exactly a couple should break the fart barrier, she left that open for the couples to determine. She only mentioned it probably isn’t something couples do initially meeting each other and in the early stages of dating.

          First of all there is no such thing as ‘willful farting’. A fart just like a burp or a sneeze is something the body does because it needs to perform that function. Can people ‘suppress their body’s urge to perform these functions? Yes they can but that still doesn’t make it willful. And the need for the body to do these functions doesn’t go away indefinitely just because it’s been temporarily suppressed.

          Second: This article sheds light on the reality that biological unglamorous functions such farting is part of everyday relationships between two people and that it shouldn’t undermine a relationship rather it should be an accepted part of intimacy when people are comfortable with being themselves around each other. This article informs people that farting is not the evil faux pas that you and others like you are making it out to be in a relationship. People like you and others should really get over yourselves and stop categorizing farts as willful and evil.

          • Madison says:

            Truth be told Raz, I have never gotten sick from smelling someone’s fart if they happen to let one fly in my presence. I can always hold my noise or leave. And the few seconds of odious smell didn’t kill me. But if someone sneezes around me, yeah I can get sick from that.

  5. grace says:

    while flatulence is a natural part of life, i do believe that proper etiquette is in all circumstances is necessary when in the company of others. i am not a “letherrip” type myself but i’ve dated men that are the type. tolerance and patience is the rule of the day. my facial expression has helped to keep quite a few in line as well.

    couples that spend a lot of time together, due to living arrangements and such, should definitely have discussions about the subject.

    it’s not okay for anyone, regardless of dating status, to be rude publicly or privately.

    • Raz says:

      Grace: ‘i do believe that proper etiquette is in all circumstances is necessary when in the company of others. i am not a “letherrip” type myself but i’ve dated men that are the type. tolerance and patience is the rule of the day. my facial expression has helped to keep quite a few in line as well.”

      Wow you sound like a school marm from back in the day lol. Why do you date men who don’t match your standards of flatulence behavior?

  6. Cking says:

    A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,… ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’ ‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,… let’s pretend that we’re married.” Wow!… That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed. ‘Good,’ she replied, …and said… ‘Get your own f….g blanket.’

    After a moment of silence, he farted.

    The End

  7. Cking says:

    Excellent article Ms. Cooper and puts a lot of things in perspective. I really can’t believe that some women would get so bent out of shape over something so minor. I hope they read this article and take note. People who are that uptight about farting are really in their own way. They are preventing themselves from experience true intimacy in a relationship. The good, the bad the smelly! lol.
    On another note, I had a friend who was like that about farting. She would complain about her boyfriend’s farts. One day I was hanging out with them and she started talking about his farts. He sat there listening to her and when she took off her shoes, he said, well I never complain about your smelly feet baby and you got fonky feet, but hey they yo feet. She just sat there with her mouth open. I wonder if she still complained about his farts after that.

    • Kimmy says:

      Wonderful article, HOWEVER, I have no interest in knowing my significant other in such a disgusting manner on a constant basis. Respect me (heck respect yourself) enough to go control your bodily functions and don’t do that mess around me. I understand one may slip out every once and awhile but to purposely pass gas in my presence is revolting and offensive and a turn off. There is nothing cute or funny about this behavior. I would lose respect for my mate / boyfriend if he constantly farted around me and probably start looking for someone who was less of a pig.

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