Dating Tips: Compromise Today Could Mean Misery Tomorrow

| 01/03/2012 | Comments (1)

 

Compromise – a very interesting word with very interesting definitions: something accepted rather than wanted; potential danger or disgrace; a settlement of a dispute in which two or more sides agree to accept less than they originally wanted.

In life, we are sometimes forced to make compromises. Some are small, while others can be life-changing. With some, we agree to put up with what we don’t like. With other compromises, we accept things that we well know are unbearable, in an effort to have or salvage something. In this particular instance, I am referring to relationships. Many of us, including me, have tried to save a relationship that we know is irreparable simply because we were too afraid to be alone.

During the time of my 29th birthday, a very vulnerable time for many girls, I met a young man at the gym of all places.  He was, from the outside, a vision of perfection: chiseled body, high cheekbones, smooth skin, tall, six pack abs (i.e. he had it going on!) Thus, I was amazed when, out of a room of lean, sweaty bodies, he wanted me. It was, indeed, too good to be true. He was all that I thought I could ever hope for.

Our first date went off without a hitch. In fact, we had such a good time, he kept trying to find ways to prolong it. Nonetheless, while on the date he said something at the table which was a little offensive. But I overlooked it, because “everybody has faults.” I thought that maybe having no tact was his.

From there we went on and started to date daily – lunch, dinner, movies, mini-golf – the works. We single gals know that such courting is damn near impossible to get nowadays, so I enjoyed our time immensely. Conversely, with all the attention and gifts came a lot of other stuff, like more “comments.”

They began with small comments about my weight, my flaws, and other off-color jokes – “old as you are, it’s hard to believe that you don’t have kids.” Damn! Joke or no joke that is a very sensitive spot for many women.

Still, I continued to accept his little remarks, thinking that maybe I was being too sensitive. Yet, all the while, I was feeling little pieces of me break on the inside.  Needless to say that despite the handsome package, he was a walking toxic plant. He suffered from a toxicity which was created by past traumas. It was taken out on me in the form of mistrust, passive/aggressive behavior, and paranoia.

How was I able to figure this out? You see, in between his little nasty comments, he would bombard me with talk about the dishonest, tricky nature of women, which I at first grinned, bared and tried to understand. However, as time went on, the talk became a little bit more than I could accept.

I started to realize that he was not at all in like with me, but utterly infatuated with himself and the idea that I was too. According to him, he was used to fair-skinned, model types and dating me was a lot cooler because I did not make him worry as much (I hope you caught that). This disturbed me. Why? Because I seemed to be the antithesis (i.e. exact opposite) of his former loves.



Now don’t go feeling bad for me! I have a pretty good sense of self and am quite happy with me. However, I just found it odd that if he were so taken with the model type, that he would decide upon me. I’m an attractive girl, but not THAT girl.

As time progressed, I found that my analytical nature had not steered me wrong. It soon became evident that he was not as infatuated with me as he said. I read between the lines and well understood that I was simply what he assumed was someone that would not hurt his feelings. Yet, I continued to accept al that he put out – the good, but mostly the bad.

With each compromise, I became a bit more miserable. I also started to become a little bit more questioning about the value of my person, because I thought if he likes me and says these hurtful things, how much more can I expect from someone else? Consequently, I stayed and grew more disconcerted with each passing day.

Eventually, I realized that all the compromises that I made in an effort to keep him – losing weight, hair extensions, agonizing over what to wear on dates, trying to make him like me more – were a little too much for me. For all intents and purposes, my willingness to compromise for him was making me miserable.

Why did this happen? I believe it is because I needed to learn that when someone reveals themselves to me, I need to accept that they are who they’ve shown you to be. I will never again let anyone discount my worth, and compromise will ultimately lead to misery.

Dialogue with yourself: for whom or what have you compromised?

 

Submitted by Carolyn Hall

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  1. praguegirl says:

    I think the most glaring compromise wasn’t the physical things like hair extensions, etc….it was compromising your dignity. Something that a lot of women fall prey to. We do overlook faults because we figure we have enough of our own, we shouldn’t be too nitpicky when guys tear us down. We try to tell ourselves that he’s being honest…and who doesn’t want an honest guy?

    I had a guy like that. It seemed that nothing I did was good enough. He found fault with everything…of course, I told myself (privately) and him (publicly) if I was so imperfect he should just leave me alone! It was obvious that he didn’t love me….what was his response. “Baby, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here!” Translation: I have nothing better to do with my time so I may as well spend it with you. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time.

    I think women in bad relationships spend an inordinate amount of time making up excuses for the jerk…..which is time that would be better spent working on ourselves or finding a man worthy of our time.

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