Recently Dr. Boyce Watkins ran an article with the title “The (Ree)lationship Guide: Ladies, Stop Accepting Those Gifts”
The author was writing from the male’s point of view and explained how frustrating it is “when you’re on the dating scene and can’t quite figure out who you like and who likes you.” She goes on to say that she has a number of complaints from men “who are dating women that they’ve wined and dined but are uncertain as to whether or not the woman is interested in them.”
Then she commands that women “Don’t accept gifts from anyone that you have no interest in exclusively dating.” That was followed up with the mandate that women not assume their date is going to pay for every meal, and that women bring their own money to dates that men asked them out to.
Hmmm. Well, let’s examine this thinking.
Men Are Responsible For Communicating Their Relationship Goals
Relationship experts are responsible for teaching their male clients the cues that a woman is interested in him. Though dating can be confusing, it is not rocket science. The best way to find out if a woman is interested is to open your mouth and discuss it, you know, good old-fashioned communication. During these dates you men need to ask the women you date questions about what they like in men, what they are looking for in a relationship, what’s going on in their lives.
Your dating time should be spent getting to know the woman that you have asked out as a person. From that you can determine if you are even remotely her type, if she is interested in a relationship period, and if she is interested in a relationship particularly with you. Some women are so concerned about protecting a man’s ego that they might not be as forthcoming and direct as they should (patriarchy at work here).
However, asking a woman if she is interested in a relationship and about what is going on with her time and energy will give you the clue you need. If she say she is busy trying to finish school, start a career, is about to leave for a year in Europe to study French… chances are she is not the one for you.
Gift Giving Occurs on a Scale Based Upon a Man’s Income
A man bringing a woman candy or flowers on a date, or buying a woman a little $10 keepsake at the street fair they attended together is not in the same league as buying a gold necklace, a diamond cuff bracelet, or a car. A guy making millions might give a woman a diamond pendant on a third date because he got it like that, and to him it’s no big deal… chump change. However, the postal worker giving a gold necklace (unless he bought it at a pawn shop), is going to have higher expectations from the woman for his investment because it’s a larger percentage of his income.
Nevertheless, I am of the mind that if a man chooses to give a woman a gift and picked it out of his own volition just for her, it’s because he wants her to have it. Ladies, if a man you’ve gone out with a few times offers you a gift, it is very rude not to accept it.
Now, if you as a man are going through some thangs, your pockets are light, and you can’t really afford the gift you are buying, please stop yourself. If you as a Black man are giving a gift with the expectation that the woman now owes you something, that’s just too bad. Grow up and understand the concept of giving from the heart, and giving only what you can afford to give.
“I know women that have received gifts from men, for basically nothing in return! A very attractive friend of mine received a nice gift last week from a male co-worker, a very nice pair of boots, that she had been wanting. He must have over-heard her talking about wanting those boots and he went out and got them for her. This isn’t the only gift she’s received from men she knows or works with. I even had a random guy get me something just out of the blue one day. In all these cases, the guys were guys that we would never go on a date with. In my friend’s case, the co-worker that bought her the boots is about 30 years older than she is and is married!!! There’s no way she would date a guy like him and he knows that, which is why he isn’t pressing her to go out with him or anything, (although I’m sure he’d love too.) So this article doesn’t make any sense. Men have been giving women gifts since the beginning of time. Sometimes he got something out of it, like sex and/or a relationship, and sometimes he didn’t. Like me, she thanks any guy that gives her a gift and tells him how grateful she is. In any case, the guys weren’t expecting anything back really. They knew she was way out of their league, but they still buy her stuff to let her know that they like her.” ~Nancy B.
Exceptionally beautiful women have a high market value in the dating world and you men know it. That is why when a guy finds such a woman, he falls all over himself trying to impress her with wining, fine dining, the best clubs and shows, etc. He knows if he doesn’t, someone else will. Should you be dating a woman primarily because of her looks, her figure or her social standing, you are more likely to be the guy that wines and dines and gives expensive gifts that are out of sync with the level of involvement you have.
As Nancy’s (a non-Black woman) story makes clear, there is a huge difference in culture. Black women are the ONLY race of women that are told they are not to expect anything, to be given anything, to expect to be pleased or pampered or their dates paid for. It’s very disturbing that Black women are being told that they should never accept a gift from a man unless they are offering him exclusive access to their body. The ultimate foolishness is that this post was created by a woman, reinforcing that “Black women ain’t worthy” mentality.
Men, please understand that no matter what your reason is for giving a gift, it is not the woman’s responsibility to prevent YOUR spending, or to anticipate YOUR unrealistic expectations. The author of the original article should have explained the Giving Scale to her male clients and advised them not to give gifts if they are not given freely. No one owes you anything when you decide to give a gift.
Men Must Always Pay for Dates.
If you ask us out, we assume it is because you are making a romantic gesture and want to get to know us because of your romantic interest. Dating a grown woman with the intention of getting to know her for a possible relationship requires that a man pay. Black men in particular are adamant about women “playing their position,” adhering to traditional gender roles of being the breadwinner and leader, and about a woman “letting me be a man.” Black men are also very judgmental about female sexuality, and are quick to unfavorably label a woman if she doesn’t maintain an almost virginal sense of decorum.
Yet, I’ve noticed that these same men will suddenly become very pro-feminist when it comes time to spend money on a woman. They are fine with Dutch treat and a woman taking them out. They love to quote the “Independent Woman” song, and use it as their excuse to not do anything for a woman that requires sharing or giving to her. Such an attitude is nothing but bullshit and a game run on Black women.
Sadly, many Black women fall for it and feel obligated to “help” a man pay for a date, or suggest, as this columnist did, that a woman bring her own money. Black women need to stop being the mules and carrying Black men, supporting them, taking care of them.
Black women should expect to be treated nicely by gentlemen and their dates paid for like women of every other race. I’ve seen Black men out with White and Asian women, and when the bill arrives those women don’t even look at it. The Brothas reach out, picking up the tab without complaint or even looking too closely at the bill. Black women should expect to experience the same dynamics.
The double standard dating game that men play on Black women is very disturbing. On one hand Black men whine and complain about women “getting free dinners when she’s not interested in me long-term.” Yet, men never express the least bit of concern about “getting free sex” when they know they have no legitimate long-term interest in the woman they are having sex with. It would appear that men want everything their way. Sorry guys, dating doesn’t work that way unless you find a woman that is a fool.
If you choose to ask a woman out, choose places where even the most expensive item on the men is within your budget. If you choose to take a woman out for an evening of live entertainment or drinks, make sure that you go to happy hour or a club with prices within your budget. If you want her to see you as a man that could be a provider, a family leader, the man that she “submits” to, then establish yourself as that man from day one.
This means you ask her out, and you pay for all dates.
Are You a Contender for a ‘Long-Term’ Relationship?
Getting to know and feel comfortable with a complete stranger takes time. In our society that will include lots of phone conversations and at least six dates. Therefore, asking a woman not to order the food she wants based on future projections of a long-term relationship is a ridiculous demand.
In early dating you are getting to know each other! A woman might decide on the first date that he is the man she wants to marry, but most women are on the fence as they want to know more before they decide if he is “the one” or not, which might require three or four dates to figure out.
Over those 3-4 dates a man might make her heart sing with excitement at having met someone so great. On the other hand, a guy might have revealed something about himself that let her know they were not compatible. But most men say or do something silly that is a total turn off. The woman that was previously interested in more with him loses interest at that point.
The bottom line is dating costs money. A woman should not have to monitor her choices based on what a man MIGHT think… that’s asking her to be a mind reader and take responsibility for his thoughts and behavior. You are responsible for your dating choices and expenditures. If you cannot afford to take a woman out, then stay your butt at home with your pillow, remote or game controller. If you can’t afford to court a woman properly, then you are not prepared for dating.
Category: Men's Issues