For Men: The Difference Between Interest and Desperation

| 07/11/2009 | Comments (0)

Question: I wonder if you can tell me a few differences between showing interest in a girl and showing desperation?  Explain it to me both for when you are first approaching a woman in a store, asking her to dance at a club (the desperate “would you like to dance” and the interested “would you like to dance”), or while you are dating? I would love to see an article about the difference between interest and desperation.


HE SAYS:

The name of the game is to have confidence, have fun, and don’t take these first interactions so seriously. What’s the use of being in “The Game” if you are not going to have fun with the pursuit, or being pursued? The attitude of interest allows for new opportunities with a person to blossom naturally, and the attitude of desperation tries to make those opportunities happen EXACTLY the way it is seen in the person’s mind. Interest is free flowing and relaxed. Desperation is rigid and tense.

Case in point, I consider myself to be a different kind of dude. I’m not a Man-whore, so I tend to be selective in the women I approach. This is a good thing and a bad thing, because if I’m not relaxed, I can become TOO SELECTIVE, thus, TOO APPREHENSIVE, and miss out on the opportunity of meeting an otherwise interesting person that may be compatible for me. I have to be able to “feel” the moment, and that “feel” comes with practice.
To approach women in a daytime environment, the key is to, once again, not take the situation so seriously, and to go with the flow of the situation. Stop thinking so much about her reaction beforehand and just EXPERIENCE it. If you don’t have some interesting observation about her or the environment you can comment to her on, just tell her your name, ask for her name (REMEMBER IT!!!), and follow up with a “How are you doing today?”. It’s just simple, casual, conversation. If there’s interest, the conversation will be a steady back and forth like a good tennis match. It will feel so natural. Anything else you experience, the woman is pre-occupied, so just keep it pushing.
There are some women that have a “Diva” complex, as if to compel you to capture their interest through some elaborate string of magic words. To those weirdoes I say; once you get a hint of the smugness, move along. They have their nose in the air for a reason, which is to try to breathe above the shitty vibe they are putting out. There is no need to impress a counterfeit princess.
So for night time in the club, I’ve found it personally better to “act” before you “address”. On the dance floor, I’ll usually come up gently from behind, in front, or from the side, making sure I make eye contact with the lady as soon as possible. Body language is much more understandable in loud environments like a club, than verbal language. When I approach like this, and the lady is down, she’ll continue to dance. At that point, I am able to have light conversation with her, because I am now closer to her ear as I am dancing with her. If the lady is not down, she backs away and gives some signal of “not interested”, which is no harm, no foul.

Finally, in both scenarios, both day and night, it is important that if the vibe is good to “close the deal”. Ask for the number and or give her your number. Establish means for later contact. I carry personal cards with my number and social networking website address on it. If I feel that the vibe is right, I slide her “The Card”. If not, I have probably already walked away from the scene, or I’ll say “Well, it was nice talking to you so and so, have a nice day!” and be on my merry little way. It’s much simpler than guys make it, to talk to a girl. Guys think too hard, and don’t “feel” enough.

SHE SAYS:

Alvin left off right where I think it is important to begin – men spend way too much time in their heads overanalyzing and over thinking every move they make with women. Guys become too attached to the outcome and work themselves up into a frenzy of anxiety with neediness.

I’ve repeatedly observed men in situations like you present second guessing themselves right out of the action!  The sequence of behaviors goes something like this:

1)   After standing around in said location for a time, man finally sees a woman he thinks is attractive and decides he’d like to get to know her better.

(2)   Man stands back and observes woman nervously, excluding all others from his list of possibilities. He has zeroed in on THIS ONE WOMAN and imagines them as a couple, in bed, as his future wife, and what their children would look like.  He is putting his all into this one woman.

(3)   Man then begins to feed himself messages that reflect his fear of rejection and anxiety about approaching such as “she sure is fine! I don’t have enough going on to get a woman like that interested in me” and “what if she tells me no, I’ll look stupid in front of everybody” or “she just shot down that dude, she’ll probably do the same thing to me!”

(4)   Since man cannot fathom the reality that his hesitancy is all a monster of his own creation, he turns the blame on the woman. That way he feels better about being a coward and says things such as: “to hell with it! She looks like she’s high maintenance anyway, and who needs that?” or “she is probably a shallow gold digger and I don’t have on the right shoes or some shit!” or “a woman that fine is probably a player and has a whole bunch of dudes already, I ain’t gonna be another one giving her free dinners!”

(5)   If man does approach, he has worked himself up into such a state of anticipation, desire and neediness that he is over-anxious, tight lipped, has beads of sweat on his forehead, and shaky hands.  He stumbles over his words and looks like a nervous geeky loser! Who would want to dance with or get to know that?

What kills me about points 3 and 4 are the fact that the man who has stereotyped and condemned this female is doing so without EVER SAYING ONE WORD TO THE WOMAN!  So what does he really know about her? Not a damn thing.  Why can’t he just make general chit chat conversation with her about some of the things going on in the party that he noticed, or how happy he is to be at the grocery store picking up a few beers and steak to throw on the grill so he can relax after a rough week at work, or make a wry comment about someone’s dancing to make her laugh? Instead he mixes his negative beliefs and fears of women and rejection into a palatable paste that he can swallow. That way, when he goes home alone and with no numbers AGAIN, he can tell his buddies “aw man, there was nobody there but gold diggers and players!” This defensive blaming of complete strangers  is the sign of a desperate man who lacks confidence in himself.
My suggestion to men seeking a relationship is to make it a point to ask at least 10 women to dance over the course of an evening.
Sure, some will say “no thank you!” but you’ll find out that you live through it!  You don’t even bleed! And you don’t end up looking crazy either.  You pick up your false pride and move on to the next woman, just like you would if you didn’t get a job you interviewed for, or the car loan you applied for.  You’ll soon accept that rejection is a part of life and we never get everything we want. Once you accept that fact and realize that rejection won’t injure or kill you, your days of desperate behavior with women will be over.  Your confidence level as a man will soar.

Now, when in a dating relationship it’s important for guys to understand that women don’t want you to be the 100% YES man kissing her butt; but neither do we want a 100% NO man either.
You must supply your woman with what she needs to stay happily involved with you – emotional intimacy, physical affection (non-sexual), satisfying sex, intellectual stimulation, encouraging support, and lots of laughter and good memories. But that caretaking must be balanced with time for yourself to maintain relationships with your friends and family, or just to enjoy your solitary pursuits and hobbies, and strict boundaries with regards to what you will and won’t do for her. Do not ever let a woman run over you; she must respect you as a man or she will perceive you as desperate and weak.

 

Alvin and I agree that a man needs to be confident and show a romantic interest in a woman early on so that she knows he is not just trying to be her buddy. Developing the ability to confidently show interest and approach a woman means you have to change your perspective and not be so attached to the outcome.  Try to be more relaxed around women – we’re regular people just like you are!
Relate to and see a woman as a partner in the evening’s FUN first, as a REGULAR PERSON second, as a possible FRIEND third, and as a
POTENTIAL DATE/MATE a distant fourth. Put that list on an index card in your wallet if you have to until you remember it, because that order is of extreme importance in dating if you want to be seen as interested, but not desperate!
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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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