Divorced Single Mom Experiences Dating Drama
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I have a six year-old daughter. I have been divorced from her Dad for almost two years. I have introduced her to one love interest and it didn’t go very well. I am currently dating someone new who is amazing. I introduced my daughter to him and she is very jealous and feels that he will take me away from her. She acts up during the times we are around him. It’s very difficult for my new love interest and I to enjoy each other’s company when she is constantly interrupting and acting up. Can you give me some advice on how to handle this?
Signed,
What Do I Do
Dear What:
Well, let’s switch positions and look at the world from the eyes of a six year old child for a few minutes. I think a different perspective on this whole thing will help you see where I am coming from with my response to your question.
You wake up one morning and find that the world you knew, the security of your parents and your whole life has changed. Your beloved Daddy is gone. You don’t know why. You don’t understand why he had to leave. You’re hurt, confused, angry. You also feel rejected and unloved, like you aren’t good enough to have a Daddy like other little girls. You wonder what you did wrong. But nobody has answers to those questions.
So you go on and try to get your equilibrium back and create a new life with Mommy. Mommy is the only remnant you have of your old, safe and happy life. She is the only piece of security in your whole world. You still see Daddy, but not as much as you might like to. Mommy and Daddy seem sad just like you. How could people that said they were in love and cared about each other end up like this? How can they turn their backs on each other and leave when they said they loved each other? They say they love and care about me. Your little 6-year old self nervously wonders “will they turn their backs on me too?”
Then Mommy isn’t so sad anymore because a new man has come into her life. Is he going to try to be my new Daddy? I liked having a Daddy. I miss my Daddy. But then this guy leaves too. So in less than two years, I’ve lost my Daddy and the new Daddy. I don’t like this. I don’t want anymore new Daddies. Why can’t Mommy see that?
Now Mommy has ANOTHER boyfriend. Is he going to try to be my Daddy too? I don’t like this. All he is going to do is leave me too. I want him to go away now. I don’t want to start liking him and trusting him because he will just leave me too. Why does everyone leave?
I love my OLD Daddy and I don’t want a new Daddy. Mommy sure seems happier when she is with this new man. And Mommy doesn’t pay as much attention to me anymore when HE’S here. I don’t like him. I’m scared. Is Mommy going to like him more than she likes me? Is Mommy going to leave me too?
That’s what’s going on with your baby. She has no idea how to identify nor express her feelings to you in an adult way, but that’s how she feels.
I wish you had not been so quick to bring these men around your child in her very vulnerable state of mind. Until you have been dating a guy for a minimum of 4 or 5 months, preferably longer, they should not become a part of your child’s life. Children cannot handle the loss of so many prominent figures in their lives my dear. Children bond with people that they like and when that person leaves, they are devastated. By repeatedly introducing children to a series of boyfriends or girlfriends, divorced parents and baby daddies/baby mommas do their offspring a great disservice.
Not only that, you must always consider the fact that there are men that prey on lonely single women with children, men that are sexual predators and pedophiles. Many seek out situations exactly like yours to involve themselves in. Any woman that denies this reality is setting herself and her children up to be victimized.
For you, it’s too late to undo the introduction at this point but I have a few suggestions.
#1 Reduce the amount of time that guy is around your daughter. There should be very few times when he is there with her and you if you haven’t been dating him, like I said, for at least 5 or 6 months.
#2 Amazing is a relative term. Make sure that the men you choose are good not just for YOU, but for your child too. How much experience does he have with small children, especially female children? Has he ever been married? Does he have children of his own? Does he understand what is going on with your daughter and can he handle it?
#3 Increase the amount of time you spend paying attention to your daughter. Sit and color with her, bake cookies together, go shopping, plant a garden together, take walks and collect bugs, go skating at the skating rink, play dolls, let her help you plan a menu and cook dinner. Talk to her about your dreams for the future for her as a young lady and an adult and how happy you were when she was born. Tell her stories about her infancy – kids love to hear those types of tales. Remind her daily how much you love her, how special she is, how smart, how adorable. Make her feel like she is and always will be an integral part of your daily existence and that NOBODY and NOTHING will ever change the way you feel about her or her importance to you.
#4 I also recommend that you plan dates when she is having her Daddy visitation. If that is impossible and you have to get a sitter sometimes, then let her help you pick an outfit and do your hair or maybe select a perfume. Involve her in the process so she feels a part of the whole thing. During that date prep time she may express her feelings of anger, rejection and abandonment. That’s when you hug her and tell her the things above. Explain that you need a little time to be a grown up and talk grown up talk with your friends, but that you will be back and you’ll wake her up and you guys can have a midnight snack and a snuggle. Reward her cooperation and growth as much as you can with EMOTIONAL sustenance.
Remember Mom, this too will pass. It’s a delicate balance that must be obtained between your sexual and emotional needs as an adult female, and your role as a single parent to a young child still reeling from the battle scars of her parent’s divorce.
Do all you can to keep her on track so that she grows up to be someone that feels she has value, and who possesses high self esteem.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Dating Advice
Wow!!! That is great advice for Ms. “What To Do”. I believe she really didn’t know what she was doing, but she knows now. LOL
Sometimes I really wonder why I even bother to read some of this shit anymore.
I want fools to have to get a license to have kids. Men need a license and extensive collegiate training in how to manage and handle their dicks. Women need to not have kids EVER FOR ANY GODDAMN REASON, not under marriage not under any circumstances.
This fool right here is THE REASON why so many children are raped and harmed by men. Dummy women like her who are more interested in gettin their puss* wet than raising their goddamn little girls.
It makes me angry! When you have a child BEING A MOTHER becomes your identity, purpose, and job. Women want to “have it all” and shit. I know many women do both, before the baby mama brigade stomps on my neck, but not many women do it successfully. Their kids come out damaged and fucked up and with mad issues becuase they didn’t get the attention they deserve and need from their parents.
Men are irresponsible, sexually predatory animals. I don’t blame them for acting in their rapist nature, i blame stupid fuckin women who have kids and allow the most important thing in their life around absolute animals.
Take all the chances you want to with hoping to find a good man in all the crop of animals out there. It is completely irresponsible, unfair and just wrong to also put your children into harms way cause you want a dick in your bed!
What the hell does she mean “how can she and her love interest enjoy each others company WHEN SHE IS ALWAYS INTERRUPTING”?? THAT IS YOUR DAUGHTER HEFFA, not some damn room-mate. And also, why does this female (I won’t even call her a woman) allow one man right after the other to be around her daughter? (the most precious thing she has) What message is she sending her kid?….Seems like she is too busy chasing dick to be concerned about her daughters emotional well being….
Any mother with half a brain would know that the child is acting up because she resents men invading her space. But once again the her (the mothers) main concern is her mating time. (Her daughter is an inconvenience).
what should I do she asks? GET RID OF THE DICK, stop allowing men around your child and DO YOUR DAMN JOB.
Kim is right, this silly fool is talking about her DAUGHTER her precious angel like she is some cock-blockin roommate or something! WTF?
she needs to be way more understanding and sensitive to this child’s needs. what kind of idiot allows random ass men around her lil girl anyway? and this type of fool will be the FIRST one to cry about how the man they allowed access to their daughter shouldn’t have done x, y, z. Men shouldn’t do 90% of the shit they do, think, say, yet they do it. It is high time that women WAKE UP.
I was walking around my city and this group approached me asking me to make a donation to help families in situations that occur when silly women make dumb decisions like this mom here. And if women would just wake up and realize that the vast majority of men are complete animals and not to be trusted, we wouldn’t even need to be harassed on the streets for money to help fund other peoples dysfunction!