Do You Understand My Boyfriend?

| 02/07/2011 | Comments (7)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
For the life of me I don’t get him. I told my bf I am not initiating lovemaking any more because I am so tired of him rejecting  me.  I told him it hurts and lately your not even treating me that lovingly. He said yes I know how that rejection feels because that is how I feel when I make love to you, I feel rejected??

I said what, how do you feel rejected when I come to you to make love and we do? He said because I don’t feel needed, just because you initiate doesn’t mean you want me sexually and I feel that when I make love to you that there is nothing I really do that is that great for you, I am ok, anything I do is ok with you, it is not that important.

I said, hello??? You give me at least 2 orgasms everytime and when we are done I a sweating and out of breath, I am very vocal and I don’t see why you need me have to have this or that to make you see something is good. I have explained what is good for me but I guess I would think you should just know that what you are doing is good if I am having an orgasm from it?

He said, but nothing I ever do is bad for you, you don’t say you know that was not really that good, this is better. I have told him endless times the things I really like and he says I don’t see it being any better for you than anything else. Well don’t know what to tell him, he says I don’t trust what you say???

He says if things were so much better than others that I would demand it from him regularly and I don’t demand things from him, I just go with the flow, whatever he does is fine, I don’t care and that shows him how little I need him.

Well geez if it didn’t get me off and it didn’t feel good, then I would be speaking up but it does feel good and I do get off and there are times when I have to have it this way or have to have him do this..but for the most part yes I will go with the flow between us, casual whatever..that is not lack of desire for him.

I don’t get him…do you?

Signed,
Disgusted

Dear Disgusted:
There is nothing to get.

Your boyfriend  is playing manipulative mind games to gain control over your head and self-esteem. You are letting the b.s. work.

Sadly, these are the types of mind games played by many abusive men with the end result that the woman jumps through hoops to try to please him, but he never gives her that much sought-after approval. She tries in vain, over and over again, doing everything she can think of, and she still fails and never gets the reward of his approval that she seeks.

This is a losing game girlfriend. Nothing you ever do is going to be good enough. He will always find a way to twist things around to make you feel bad, like something is wrong with you, that your sexual response is lacking in some way, that you don’t build up his ego enough. There will always be something he says that makes you feel badly about how you respond to him sexually… like you aren’t living up to his fantasy.

These types of relationships are too much damn work. The work to reward ratio is very skewed, and the reward you get for dealing with this nonsense on an almost daily basis is a joke.

You would do better to dump him and find a man that is into you and not trying to destroy your self esteem. This guy is a total jerk and a total loser.

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MsHeartBeat

Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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Comments (7)

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  1. Guapo1492 says:

    Sex ain’t the problem. Sounds like he doesn’t feel a deep emotional connection of some sort. This must be a young guy? All that matters is you’re with him. Is he trying to be the best lover you ever had? I learned long ago that you may or may not be. But do you really need/want to know? If your woman has sex with you a lot then she’s into you. That’s all that should matter. Kid sounds like me when I was like 18. I used to ask girls “But what makes me so special?” I wonder what your conversations with him sound like. Seriously, this sounds like more of a non-issue. Just ask him if he wants to stop having sex. If he says yes, break up with him. You can’t go from having sex all the time in a relationship to not having sex without good reason. Messes everything up.

  2. SilentBro says:

    That is a strange situation indeed. I agree that this sounds like a mind game unless he is just plain nuts. She doesn’t speak of any other positive attributes what I would think are worthy of a relationship so unless she just wants some good sex and brain teasing mind games he needs to go to the recycle bin.

    • Raz says:

      SilentBro: “he needs to go to the recycle bin.”

      I thought only reusable goods can be recycled. From what I’ve read he belongs in the trash dumpster.

  3. LMH says:

    Men (boys really) who are this selfish and insecure are NEVER worth it unless you like drama, drama, drama!

  4. Dana says:

    I agree with Yo. He’s trying to make you break up with him. Do your self-esteem a favor and let him go – IMMEDIATELY!

  5. Yo says:

    Breaking up with him is probably what he’s trying to get you to do.

  6. Raz says:

    Dump that trifling fool. He ain’t even worth the sweat it takes to make you orgasm. Buy a dildo and save yourself the drama gf.

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