Don’t Be Dumb by Falling for the Baby Momma Okey Doke

| 09/22/2010 | Comments (35)

What is it that makes young Black women so eager to become a baby momma, sacrificing their freedom, opportunities, education and life goals to have babies for fools?  Why do so many Black females think having a baby out of wedlock is cute and something they need to do?

Yeah, I know 75% or more of Black children are being raised in single parent homes. And lots of the young women having babies now are represented in that sad statistic. So you might think that since everyone else is doing it, it’s okay for you to do, too.  One thing I learned from my parents is to never ever do anything just because other people are doing it. Why? Because most people are stupid, and if you follow blindly after them, you’ll end up being stupid too.

Young women get caught up in the fantasy fairy tale of family life as they see it on television – two parents living happily with their children all under one roof.  Many of the female children growing up today did so without knowing or having a close relationship with their fathers; these teen girls are hungry for male attention, recognition, and of course, love.

So the first male that comes into their life and promises to fulfill that void is met with open arms.  If he says the magic words “I love you” followed by “Have my baby so we can be a family” sandwiched with “I’ll take care of you I promise” you think you have finally met the man that will make your sitcom dreams come true.

In reality if he really wanted to be with you, and have a child, and take care of both you and his child as a family man should, he would be doing things an entirely different way.  A man that loves and respects you does not play the Desperately Dumb Baby Momma Okey Doke game.  You’ll know you’re in the game when your man does any of the following:

The Desperately Dumb
Baby Momma Okey Doke Game

Argues for sex without a condom though neither of you has been HIV tested and he knows you aren’t on birth control pills or the patch.
Repeatedly badgers you to “have my baby!”  When you say “no, I want to be married before I have children,” he replies: “we don’t need to be married… marriage is just a piece of paper anyway!”  He wants what he wants and completely ignores your morals and values.
Tells you that a baby is a blessing from God and that since he is a Christian man he does not believe in abortion, but totally ignores the fact that he is fornicating with a female that is not his wife and whom he has no intention of marrying.
Tries to be slick and get you into sexual positions where you don’t notice that he has taken off the condom, focusing on his goal to get you pregnant no matter what you want.
Insists that if you loved him, you would prove it by having his baby. May wonder aloud about how a baby created by the two of you would look to see if he can get you caught up in the fantasy.
Tells you that things will be different with you vs. his other baby’s momma and child (that he makes no effort to see or support) because “that bitch is crazy!”
Threatens to leave you if you don’t agree to bareback (sex without a condom) “because I can’t feel it” or “it doesn’t feel right with a condom on” or “let me just put it in for awhile then I’ll put the condom on”.  Then the pressure begins to “have a baby for me” claiming that is the only way for you to show him that your love is real.  May tell you that if you don’t do it, others will.

What many of you just don’t seem to get is that there is a certain segment of the male population that doesn’t care about you in the least. They are full of trickery and game, much of which is focused on manipulating women into giving them what they want. These guys are some of the world’s best liars. To this type you are nothing but the means to an end – something to be used to gain the upper hand… the advantage.  Your comfort, security or health are not of the least concern.

Many of these guys will intentionally go after the female that has the best and brightest future – the 4.0 GPA student, the hottest girl with the banging body that all the guys want to get at, the spunky leader of some civic organization, the sheltered square on the fast track to graduate school and “a gang of money” in the future. If your family has a bit of change, you are probably on the hit list of many opportunists.  This type of  guy will try his hardest to get his hooks into you by making you pregnant with his baby.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. Hollahan says:

    The article was great, But I’m disappointed by these comments. The article I didn’t find offensive, But the comments are.

    Look I didn’t see any baby mom’s say “don’t listen to this lesbian, go out and have as many power babies that you can” so why are you attacking single mother’s? Yes having an o.o.w child is not the best way, but none of us are going to say we wish we had your life and that’s what it seems u want us to say. I don’t want your swinging bachelorette life, though I wish choose a better man, I made the best of a scary situation and I’m quite content ..I didn’t know what love was until I had my child.

    I don’t care about money, or vacations unless those things are used to benefit his life. If you are EDUCATED it should give you the ability to look at all situations from multiple stand points. Yes o.o.w birth is not the best way But good mothers are not going to regret having the children they love so much. So get over yourselves and learn to talk to people with some respect.

    • Razzy says:

       @Hollahan You should get over yourself Hollarhan.  And stop lying to yourself. Nobody said you don’t love your child.  But let’s be realistic here.  an O.O. W. single baby mama route is not the best nor is it the easiest way to go.  These single baby mamas don’t  want to admit that to themselves.  A 25 year old woman has much more options than being some baby mama. 
       
      Let me tell you the options she has.  At 20, I completed my undergrad degree, by age 25 I completed my graduate degree. By age 27, I was working my current job in my career making very good money indeed.  I’ve purchased my own home.  I’ve traveled to 3 continents, Asia, Europe, South America.  I’m planning on going to Australia in the near future.  I am now in a serous committed relationship with an educated career man who is good to me and is eager to become my husband and be the father of my children.  When I make the decision to procreate responsibly, it won’t be an ‘whoops’ accident’.  I won’t have to be in some welfare line, getting government benefits.
       
      My child will be privileged to go to the best schools in their district, because I chose to buy my home in a top rated school district.  My child will know the benefit of having a hands on father who is there consistently everyday in their lives, instead of merely contributing a welfare check.  My child will have great medical care, and I will be able to easily afford extracurricular activities for my child such as piano lessons, tutors, foreign language classes, an opportunity to travel and much more. 
       
      Because I was responsible with having sex, I will be able to bring a child into the world with a solid strong foundation and that child will have a healthy start in life where they don’t want for the basic necessities. 
       
      Single baby mamas don’t have any of that.  This article is advocating that more young women choose to position themselves in life to better themselves so that when they do choose to become parents, they do it the right way instead of the hard way.  Being a single baby mama, bringing a child into the world that you are not prepared financially, emotionally to have, is not the ‘right way to do it’. The Black community has enough single baby mamas with kids who often fall behind their white counterparts socially, academically, economically.
       
      Single baby mamas need to stop dismissing the harsh reality of what it takes to bring up a child with little or no support.  It’s not about whether you love your child or not, it’s about choice.  There is no need for a woman to be a baby mama in this day and age when one can have responsible sex and opt not to have a baby in the first place.  Back women need to better themselves so that when they do have children, they can give their child a healthy start in life, instead of just getting by.  Stop pushing the okey doke.

  2. au napptural says:

    Deborah,

    Your perception continues to amaze me. It seems like every time I’m questioning or going through something you’ve posted the answer right here on your site. Example, just YESTERDAY I went to Lowe’s for some paint. The guy mixing it found out I was a college student and tried to holler. He was already on nignore b/c that nigga had at least 10 years on me. Then I admired a cute baby passing by and he says “oh I’ve got one of those.” Turns out this fool had a 6 week old baby! And that’s just what he copped to. Who knows how many of his spawn are kickin around town- all while he’s trying to pick up new unsuspecting chicks to run his tired game on.

    And then my friend had the nerve to try and give him my number! You were dead on again about a.) crabs in a barrel baby mamas and b.) women giving their friends bad advice. My friend has no kids but she’s certainly drawn to men who can only hurt her rising college-educated star. This includes the too old, too far, too demanding, etc. I directed her to your site.

    Keep it up, Deb. You are getting through to ppl who need you. That’s why the haters are mad.

  3. Nigerian Sista says:

    When I hear these stories it makes me really sad. Many African American woman are end up in these siuations and it’s truly tradgey. I mean we can just look at it for what it is… You meet a young male or grown male and he requests for you to have a baby. He asks you this knowing full well that as a woman, you will have to carry that baby inside you. Then once you have a baby, he abandons YOU and leaved YOU to take care of a child that you created TOGETHER. And from what I’ve often heard or seen, he later goes on to meet ANOTHER woman, marry her, and take care of her (and any possible kids that she may have had pior to meeting him). It’s heartbreaking and women and young girls should value themselves more than to put themselves in this position. It’s your body and your life, guard it.

  4. raise2bwifematerial says:

    i find your crabs in the barrel statement to be accurate. a woman w/out-of-wedlock children that i know who was having a very hard time financially suggested that if i got pregnant by my then boyfriend, i should have it.

    her other friends are ‘babymommas’ too. never married, always broke. she finally admitted why she could do many things she wanted to in life that i do every day. she didn’t have enough money – raising kids took ALL of her money leaving her financially compromised.

    misery loves company. luckily i did not get pregnant & still travel the world, pursued more education & am buying a condo next spring.

  5. Chica says:

    Well. I know this story all too well. I was a single mom that got pregnant after my first year in college. I was totally green because my Christian parents told me nothing about sex except not to do it. I was 17 and he was 22.

    I will say this Deborah. You are right on. All of the tricks and games that men play are very real. Generally 2nd degree pedophilia in the black community where grown men prey on teenage girls is accepted. No one schools these girls or calls these men out and I’m glad you are attempting to do that. They should put you on rotation in freshman orientation.

    Luckily because of the support of my family, I got my degree, (after 7 yrs instead of 4) and have been pretty economically stable ever since in spite of being a teen mom. But I realize that I am an exception, not the rule. Most women in my situation find that it takes at least 15 years to have enough where-with-all to make some goals that are about their dreams not their and their child’s immediate needs.

    As for my daughter, I realize that giving her the father she has is the worst thing I could have done for her and as much as I love her, I can’t undo that. He is still a slickster, still complains about child support (less than $300 a month), barely calls, hardly ever writes, is mentally unstable and is basically a full-on loser. He is no one that I would have chosen to start a family with as an adult. Having a child so young is a bad decision for many reasons but mainly because who we choose to partner with as a teenager seems laughable to us 10 years later.

    Yes, we made a wonderful girl but she will have to navigate her emotional journey without the support of her father although she craves it (as all girls do) That is a painful process for both of us. I hope that she comes out on the other end of it an amazing women who has not tried to fill the need for a father with some okey doke but I had an adoring, responsible father and look what I fell for. So I fear for her and many other young women who as Alice Walker said “got babies when they were looking for love.”

    I now have a second child with my partner who is a great father and stepfather. We had a long friendship and many discussions about kids before we even considered dating. He is amazing and it is wonderful to have someone that not only has my back but is all about the kids. To have a moment’s rest because I know it is no longer all on me.

    We are married, and I hear you on the wedding before womb campaign but I’m not sure it is all about marriage. I was married (shotgun style) to my my daughter’s dad too but that did not make him a better dad. If anything it made him more secure in his shiftlessness. I think it is about how you choose a partner (as you mentioned) that counts the most. I’m in a European country now where few are interested in being married but the fathers are all about being real dads, snugglies and all even if they break up with the mom. It also has to do with what we expect and accept in our communities from men with these old, tired “I’m sorry Ms. Jackson” (Outkast) stories about why baby-mama drama should absolve them of all responsibility for their child. There is no story that a mother can tell that can or should absolve her from the responsibility of her child’s daily care.

    This comes back to why young girls need to be careful and educated about the realities of the new adult relationships they engage in. I am pro-choice and pro-sex-ed. I am happy that you are providing sex/relationship education to black girls in a culturally relevant way.

  6. Lady says:

    I LOVEEEEEE this article!!!! I’m 25 with 2 degrees pursuing my third AND NO KIDS!! I’m celibate for a lot of the reasons that you’ve listed in this article.

    I thank you for posting this, because I’ve caught a lot of flack from people wondering why I don’t have any kids. I don’t want them right now, and it’s 100% preventable. I’m young, and I love the fact that I can pick up and go on a vacation at the drop of a hat. In fact, for my birthday, I’m going on a 10 day vacation starting this weekend.

    I hear a lot of smart comments from my co-workers who basically ‘hate’ that I don’t have those responsibilites and that I need to grow up and have a child. Deborrah, I have to hold my tongue because I don’t want to offend them with what I really think about their situations.

    I mentor little girls, and I show them that they don’t have to fall down the same path that they see their peers do. It would be unfair for me to bring a child in to an unstable situation. Keep posting articles like this. You are helping a lot of women from making life altering mistakes!

  7. For all the women that acted a fool about the No Wedding No Womb campaign and my article “Don’t Fall for the Baby Momma Okey Doke!” and came onto our blogs whining about how great THEIR children are and how THEY are happy they have their children and how THEY resent this campaign as a slam on single moms…. this is for you. A reality check about your fonky attitude, selfishness and crabs in a barrel attitude towards younger women that don’t need to follow in your footsteps.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEgopJLn9SA

  8. africa1996 says:

    LOL…I am laughing at these responses…I enjoyed the article..and although I am against abortion…I don’t think any CHILD should be having a baby…give it up for adoption if you become pregnant…I am 33 and I too am a single mom of 1…AND ONLY ONE!!! I will never have another child…My child’s father 35, is educated (Business Degree), served in the military for 10 years and is now a teacher….we had our problems and it didn’t work…he is very involved and will argue with me to see his child!! I will agree it’s not the best idea of a family…but it works for us!!! I would rather my child see each parent happy separately, then both of us together and miserable. I was 25 when I had my child..I graduate next year with 2 degrees under my belt…has it been hard….hell yeah….but I don’t regret not having her for one minute..We have led a full life, she in all types of activities, I am at every school event, I have had relationships since and was even proposed to (I turned it down…turned out to be a little too needy), we go places and travel, but I could imagine this life with MORE than one. I see young girl with all these kids and they are surprised when I tell them I only have ONE!!! I learned my lesson…maybe in the not so near future, but right now..I am A…OK!!

    • Raz says:

      Africa: ” I am against abortion…I don’t think any CHILD should be having a baby…give it up for adoption if you become pregnant”.

      Just because you are against abortion doesn’t make ‘you’ get to tell someone else what to do if they decide they don’t want to have a baby. Abortion is a legal and viable option for women to utilize. And no woman should feel shamed by women like you and others if they choose to have an abortion. Maybe a woman doesn’t want to carry a baby to full term and give it up for an adoption, maybe she wants to have an abortion and move on with her life. She has a right to do that free from judgement from you or anyone else. And why do single moms feel the need to ‘defend themselves, and tell their life story and make canned statements like’ “I don’t regret having my child for one minute’. Well good for you, but this article ain’t about you. It’s about those women/young girls, who don’t have a child so they aren’t yet in the position to ‘regret being a mother before they’re ready. Can we get over ourselves already and stop making this article be about you? Dang! The article is a warning for women to not fall for the okey oke and end up with a baby by a nothing ass man.

      • africa1996 says:

        Excuse me..miss watch dog!!! I have the right to voice my opinion on a subject that I can actually relate to..CAN YOU??? I didn’t think so, so close your trap!!! You always have to come on these post and blast someone for having a different view…who cares what you think??? I am very aware of the laws in regards to abortion….if that’s what she wants…then so be it..Just because some young behind girl or in some cases a naive ass women decides to have a baby by a good for nothing fool that’s her choice…If the parents are NOT teaching their daughters any better than that’s their issue…I wasn’t making this issue about me…so why don’t you go somewhere since it’s obvious you are looking for attention,….glad I could give you a minute of my time!!!

        • Raz says:

          Africa: “I have the right to voice my opinion on a subject that I can actually relate to..CAN YOU??? I didn’t think so, so close your trap!!!”

          You don’t know what I can relate to. And you and all these other single baby mama’s need to close all ya’ll collective traps together. None of you all have come on this topic to talk about the article, just to run your traps about your personal lives and how being a single baby mama worked out for you. None of you are sending a positive message to the young girls and women to avoid going down that road in the first place. So a collective ‘HUSH UP!” to all y’all single baby mama haters who are just jealous and don’t want others to get a positive message so they can make BETTER decisions and be BETTER off than you all are.

          Africa: I am very aware of the laws in regards to abortion

          If you are aware of the laws of abortion then why do you tell women not to have one, because you don’t believe in them and tell them carry the baby to full term and put the baby up for adoption? Isn’t that implying that women should behave according to ‘your beliefs’?

          Africa: “I wasn’t making this issue about me

          Then why go into your personal background story about your life and your baby daddy, your degrees and all of that ?What has all of that got to do with the topic: ‘Don’t be Dumb falling for the Baby Moma Okey Doke? Why is it that these single moms are so defensive when they post and they have to tell their life story and why being a single mom actually worked out for them? Why can’t they speak to the topic at hand without personalizing it with their life story?
          Sad really… you’d think it was the single moms who would be most supportive, yet they’re the ones mainly posting about their life story and subtly implying that women ‘can make it even if they are single moms. None of this has anything to do with the article which is don’t fall for the okey doke and become a baby mama by a N.A.M. in the first place.

        • Africa, I’ve noticed that just about every one of the single mothers on this site and on the No Wedding No Womb site are taking everything so personally, as if the article was written to criticize you personally. Nobody here knows you or really cares that YOU made the single momma mess work to your standards. Good for you. Seriously.

          But what would have happened with your life and how far ahead might you have been if you had not been saddled down with the responsibilities and obligations of a baby to raise by yourself? I would like you to stop explaining your personal story and using it as justification for other girls to follow suit. What you did and the things you said have nothing at all to do with the article or with young women that don’t know the games men play with girl’s bodies and minds.

          Your stance implies that if a naive girl falls for the okey doke it’s her fault and/or that of her parents, and you blame them. Well do you blame yourself too? Is it your fault you didn’t keep your legs closed and slept with a knucklehead? Did your parents not tell you how to protect yourself from the okey doke game of some man that didn’t want the package deal?

          All of you single mothers admit that it was a hard life and a struggle, so why in the world would you even REMOTELY present such a life as a viable option for a young female? If you were the right kind of woman instead of one with the jealous crabs in a barrel mentality, you would not glorify your position but instead tell young girls:

          “yeah I did it but it was ridiculously hard and I don’t want you to have the struggles and problems and to suffer emotionally the way I did. As a mother I want the next generation’s life to be easier and better. I wouldn’t want your child to grow up without having a loving father around like my children had to. I wouldn’t want your children to be confused by one child’s Dad taking an active interest in him or her while the other child or two or three have fathers that ignore them because I was too dumb to know the Okey Doke game. Thank goodness someone that cares about you and your future is here to explain it to you before you get caught up. LISTEN TO HER!!!”

          That is what I am looking for you single mothers to say to these young women and teenage girls. But I’m not hearing that from your lips, just a bunch of defensiveness and jive time excuses about yourself and your single parentness which is, again, NOT THE SUBJECT OF THE ARTICLE.

          • NewAgnostic says:

            Exactly!!! Being a single mother is no joke and it makes life harder than it has to be. I have trouble believing women when they imply that they “don’t regret it for a moment” or “wouldn’t have it any other way.” Bull!! To have a baby by a NAM once is a disservice to the mother and the child!
            Single mothers need to be honest and tell young women any and everytime
            “Fulfill your dreams and your potential BEFORE you even consider having a baby!”
            DON’T change or forego your dream for ANY man! (One who truly loves you won’t want you to anyway!)
            Treat sex as the serious move it is — ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS PROTECT YOURSELF! From disease and pregnancy.

  9. Erika says:

    All I can is Wow! As a grown mid-30’s woman, I CHOOSE to have a baby. I am able to care for my child and provide her with a loving environment.

    How is everyone promoting No Wedding, No Woman when the divorce rate is upwards of 60%? It makes no sense. Are you all saying children in 2 parent homes with 2 broken parents is better off than an emotionally and financially stable Woman?

    Give me a break. I am only offended that the issue is constantly blamed on women, instead of focusing on the patriarchy and misogyny in our culture as a whole. A culture and community that raises men to “sow their wild oats”, etc.

    The stereotype of single motherhood is just that a stereotype and a gross generalization that undermines those of us who have the means and provide safe loving environments for our children.

    • What kind of fucked up logic are you using? The divorce rate is 50%, and even if it is, that means 50% stay married for decades. It makes PLENTY of sense. Especially when factored in with the reality that those 50% that are divorced probably didn’t have much education on how to pick a mate in the first place – a service which I provide free of charge on this site.

      In other words, you chose the wrong place to come bitching and moaning and trying to justify your choice. The fact that your ass is old and feeling the burn of dried up eggs which motivated you to have a baby has NO BEARING on a 17 or 18 year old girl that is still trying to get through school, get a job making more than minimum wage, move out from her parents house, and get herself together.

      Young girls that have babies before reaching maturity and self-actualizing are ruining their lives. It’s not right, its not fair, and its not appropriate for you to be endorsing such behavior. You didn’t do it when you were that age, so why are you trying to be a hater and make some other young woman suffer in that manner?

      You really sound bitter and selfish, thinking only about yourself when this issue affects millions of young women that are cutting off their changes to MAKE choices and their opportunities to pick the path that is best for them. And though you may think your kid having just you is workable and a loving environment, it is not the BEST environment. It is just the one you feel like giving in your selfishness. You removed any opportunities for your child to have a father, to have a daddy, to know his or her father and have a solid relationship of love. You took that away because ALL YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT IS YOURSELF.

      The culture is irrelevant here. Women can make the choice to buck the cultural teaching you describe, or become a victim of it. Your path advocates victimization and acceptance, my path advocates strength and power self-care and self-respect for women.

      A female has the power to give life. That power should not be shared with just anyone and it should definitely not be used in any situation that is not optimal for both mother AND CHILD.

    • NewAgnostic says:

      I have been reading the rebuttals and criticisms of No Wedding No Womb and my question is: How is is “wrong” to teach women to SELF PROTECT????

      Self protect by waiting to have children
      Self protect by picking the right man to father your children
      Self protect by completing an education past high school
      Self protect by having your own best interest at the forefront of EVERYTHING you do (and being a single parent is in no one’s best interst.)

      Yes, the current culture we live in is wrong and unfair and in many ways harmful to women (especially black women). But we all know that LIFE ISN’T FAIR!!!

      Until the culture, the stereotypes, the misogyny are eradicated women need to know how to protect themselves and how to get what they want and need. They need to know how to play (and win) the game until the game is changed.

      • Raz says:

        NewAgnostic “How is is “wrong” to teach women to SELF PROTECT????”

        It IS a positive message to teach women to SELF PROTECT by putting ‘their own best interests first. The fact that single mothers are negative about it is a reflection of the dysfunction that is rampant in the black community. There are no more Bigmama’s teaching old school values and morals today. Grandmama today is 35 because she started sexing up boys at 12 and having kids at 16 and now her kids are doing the same and the vicious cycle repeats itself. That’s all they know. Black women think it’s normal to be single mothers because that’s all they can relate to. If everyone around has the same family makeup then how can you know any better? With 75% of kids in the black community born in single parent (mother headed households), is it any wonder it’s the Single Mothers raising the most hell against the ‘No Wedding No Womb’ campaign? This is so sad single mothers are hating like that against this positive campaign.

        Non-black women, (whites, Asians) advocate marriage, and far more them marry the father of their kids than black women do. Black women complain about sorry no good black men but they have no standards or boundaries when it comes to their morals and their bodies. They will live with a man for years on end, with no wedding, have his kids, work 2 jobs while he sits home drawing unemployment check. Is it any wonder that the pool of ‘N.A.M’s (Nothing Ass Men) far outnumbers the men in the select group? Stats show black men tend to be sorry as hell anyway, (look at prison incarceration rates, HS and college dropout rates),and they tend to take the path of least resistance when it comes to them getting off their butts working hard and achieving for themselves and having the goal of providing for a family; black women catering to the man’s every need, while not expecting anything in return, just makes it that much easier for him to remain sorry. It’s disgusting to me.

        The black community has degenerated into a mix of N.A.M.s and N.A.W.’s who glorify media celebrating dumb azz behavior such as Snookie from Jersey Shore, to the Kardasians, praising celebrity couples not getting married and having babies. Black folks in the regular population think they can emulate that lifestyle; however they forget one important tidbit. These celebrities have endless resources at their disposal: money, nannies, homes, support and plenty of it. The average woman don’t have those resources and relies on child support and government subsidies. They live from paycheck to paycheck and probably had babies with N.A.M’s who are too stupid to be fathers in the first place and are whining about paying for the babies they chose to make with the woman.

        I wish black women would value their mind as much as they value their vjays. I wish black women would see their mind as the key to unlocking the mental barriers they stay caged in. Their mind could free them and take them much further than their vjay ever could. Black women Wake up!! How would you know that being a single parent is the best thing for your child if you’ve never experienced what it feels like to be in a healthy loving relationship with someone who gives their support/time/energy/attention to both you and the baby? For many black women this idea is so far fetched it’s like asking them to imagine what life would be like living on planet Mars. It’s just too sad really and it’s mainly the ‘single baby mama’s howling about it.

  10. CNS says:

    My parents were married a few years, then after me and my brother were born my father decided he couldn’t handle being a father. He also choose a life of drugs and crime, wich meant not financial support for my mother. I am 42yrs old and never will get over it. But I learn valuable lessons.
    1.)I have choosen not to have any children with a man that I am not married to,(and I have never been pregnant.)
    2.) Don’t have children with a broken, uneducation man, because even if he hates your guts, if he is smart him will not forfit his education, professional job and family legacy to avoid paying chld support.
    3.) Even though I did have seld esteem issues growing up without a father because he made an inform choose to abondon his faimily, I was not going to be anybody whore, hoe or trick.
    Side-note:quote from a friend, There is a difference between having LOW self-esteem and NO self-esteem. LOL. There are times when we all feel bad about ourselves, because that is not and excuse to make bad chooses in life. I will most likely give a dumb teenage girl a pass if she gets pregnant with her 1st child( she may have fell for the okey doke)but after that if you have other children, I will also be putting her on the nignore.LOL.

  11. Tay says:

    Loved the article! Wish more people WOULD listen up.

  12. Ayo says:

    I almost became a victim of the scenario as well. He was on a mission to bring my world down. As soon as i added him as a friend on FB, i should have known his evil antenna was ready to go. He immediately started to bring me down and become emotionally abusive. My birth control failed and a month into us dating, i got pregnant. Before that happened, we talked of marriage. After getting pregnant, it was..i want to wait until after the baby is born. OMG…i was about to become a 30 year old single mother. Luckily for me, my water broke at 5 months. It was not the path that was destined to me. It happened once i came into full alignment that i was in a fucked up situation. After 6 months, he walked away. The relationship was over.

    I allowed the pressure of being married, what my family wanted for me, my age, etc to push me in a direction i was not subconsciously ready for. As soon as i snapped out of it, my water broke. I took a huge risk with my life at that time, but never again. I am all the more wiser and hard core about my life, my career and my dating choice than ever before. I have come across soo many men that have tried to tie me down with a pregnancy. I was not having it.

  13. chocodivine says:

    Wow,

    *telling my personal business alert*

    This speaks to my undergrad college years. I have been the victim of a guy who attempted to get me pregnant by using positions where he figured I wouldn’t notice that he removed the condom. That whole, “square-nerd-financial rising star” that a brotha wanted to hitch himself to. Funny thing was he is an advanced degree individual also, so you would think this tactic would not have been necessary. Especially considering we openly discussed “aligning our stars” to each other – even discussing our intentions with both of our extended families.

    He admitted that that was his agenda. Regardless of future marriage her not, he was going to ensure that we were bonded for life.

    Because I was a “square”, I didn’t truly realize that it was game at that point. I just realized that I wasn’t having that and needless to say he and I are no longer in contact. 🙂

    I saw first hand the struggles of young out of wedlock pregnancy and knew that was NOT going to be a part of my future.

    This article explains a lot about some of my experiences in young adulthood that I hadn’t quite made the “connection” about.

    Good commentary as always Deborrah.

  14. The Warrior Emperess says:

    I normally agree with you Ms. Deborrah but I have to disagree with you. As a single mother, I am highly offended by your notions of single motherhood. I have been a mother since I was sixteen and it has not been easy financially or emotionally but I have no regrets. This is my story:

    My family would not be considered “normal” by societal standards because I am an unmarried African American single mother. I have three children and I have been a parent since I was sixteen. I was not trying to become a single parent at the age of sixteen but I did and I don’t regret it one bit. Hell, I have been called “Momma” for so long that when I am in a grocery store and hear a child say “Momma”, I automatically look around, even though my children are at home.

    I think that I have been a good mother but I am not perfect. I was just a child when I had my eldest daughter and if it was not for my mother, God knows what would have happened to me and my baby girl. I eventually had two more children and my little family of four means everything to me.

    I love when we have family meetings in my bedroom discussing everything from politics to Facebook drama. All of my children are opinionated as hell just like their mother and I love it because you cannot be a wimp in this society because people will step on you like a cockroach.

    As a single mother, I had the pleasure of seeing my eldest children walk across the stage as high school graduates. Both are in college. I take pride in those accomplishments because according statistics, children of teen mothers will drop out of school, start breeding the next generation of bastard children, and become natural born killers. Not true at all; it depends on the teen mother. I would never sit back passively and allow my children to become statistics of the streets.

    My first little birdie flew the coop in February and has her own apartment and I am so proud of her. She has been working since she was fifteen-years-old and she has more work ethic than some forty somethings I know. She managed to keep a 4.0 in high school while working a part-time job and when she graduated, she was a member of the National Honor Society. That’s my Nu-Nu.

    My son is a remarkable young man. He has never caused me a moment of grief since he was born. I am one of the few mothers in the inner-city who can say my son is a good kid. At an age when most young men are hanging out on street corners, he picks his little sister up from school. This marvelous child of mine elected not to go on prom on the premise that he was not interested in “girlie” stuff like that, but I think he did not go because the recession has been whipping my ass.

    My little one is my clinger. She refuses to sleep by herself and insists on sleeping with me. She rubs on my rolls and tells me to never lose weight because my fat is soft and warm. She says my Afro is a beautiful cloud and that I am the most beautiful mommy in the world. She loves me unconditionally and wholeheartedly and my life would be so empty with her.

    Would my life be easier if I had waited until I was married and more financially secure to have children? Mos def but I would not have the children I currently have if I had did that. In this world, you cannot look backwards, you must keep going. I received my Bachelor’s degree in 2006 at the ripe old age of thirty-five and will be receiving a Master’s degree next year. Having children has not deterred me from achieving anything I decided to have in this life.

    As stated earlier, I did not plan on becoming a single mother but I was dealt this hand I was given in life. As long as my children are alive and breathing, I would go to any extent they need me to go. They are all I got in this life.

    P.S. Any woman foolish enough to fall for those bullshit lines needs her ass beat with a stick.

    • Raz says:

      Don’t cha just love it when people who make the choice to become a parent at 16 become highly offended when you write something that shines a flash light in their faces and forces them to see how dumb they allowed themselves to be and how they allowed themselves to be played by the ‘okey doke‘? Who are they really mad at? Perhaps themselves for falling for the okey doke at 16 in the first place. I have a 16 year old niece right now, who has better sense than to fall for okey doke boys and to end up pregnant. Her parents raised her better than that, and she has healthy self esteem and is involved in a lot of ‘teenager activity that keep her busy so her whole focus isn’t on ‘boys’ and getting sexed up.

      I’m glad that things turned out well for your kids Warrier, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you in fact did fall prey to the okey doke and nobody cares if you’re highly offended. Ms. Cooper wrote this article as a warning to other girls/women out there so they can be wiser and not fall for the BS that you fell for. Maybe if someone had told you this stuff (and who knows maybe they did, but you could have been ‘fast tail and not listened), but maybe you wouldn’t have become a teenage mother. No ‘girl’ at 16 is prepared mentally/emotionally/financially/and is mature enough to handle being a parent. A child is ALWAYS better off being born when they are wanted and desired by two parents who are prepared to be proper parents. Not by some 16 year old kid who still need parenting themselves. Also you say you have 3 kids, does this mean you didn’t learn the first time and fell for the the okey doke 3x’s? Gosh I hope not because DANG! at some point one has to just say ‘DUMMY!

      Bottom line, is most kids born under those circumstances end up in jail, dead, or relegated to working menial jobs, most never finish hs much less college. Your children’s success is the exception not the rule and this doesn’t change the overwhelming odds stacked against them considering the circumstances of their birth, nor does it fly in the face of the overwhelming stats that show otherwise. Your one success story with your kids lives doesn’t eradicate the 100,000 stories of kids born in similar circumstances who end up abused/neglected in foster care, in prison or dead. So be offended all you want. No 16 year old ‘GIRL’ has any business gaping her legs open and falling for the okey doke and becoming a mother when she’s still a child herself!

      • The Warrior Emperess says:

        I did not fall for the okey doke. I made my bed and dealt with the consequences without blaming anyone for my actions. People are born with free will and if a woman is foolish enough to listen to a slick talking man who does not have a pot to piss in and he convinces her to have a baby by him, she deserves whatever happens to her. People have to take responsibility for their actions. Unlike some women, I decided to have my children instead of running to the abortion clinic. We as women cannot blame men for everything.

        • Raz says:

          The Warrior Emperess: “I did not fall for the okey doke…if a woman is foolish enough to listen to a slick talking man who does not have a pot to piss in and he convinces her to have a baby by him, she deserves whatever happens to her. “”

          Newsflash: What you just said in your own comment is exactly what falling for the okey doke is. You just gave the perfect example of it. It’s not about ‘blaming‘ anyone either. You may not want admit or accept it, but you did fall for the okey doke. A girl/woman with enough self-esteem would have kicked that dude to the curb and went on about her business. A woman with high self esteem wouldn’t allow some nothing ass man (N.A.M.) to convince her to have his baby, because she would have valued herself higher than that. You were 16 and fell for the okey doke, you were a child. I don’t know your background, but lots of girls who suffering from low self esteem, lack of love, an active father figure in their life, are prime targets for falling for the okey doke; because they are so emotionally vulnerable and desperate for the love, attention and affection that they aren’t getting at home from their parents. But don’t get mad at Ms. Cooper for advocating that young girls and women today should be able to see through the Okey doke and avoid going down the path that you did. You’re offended because you don’t want to accept it that you DID fall for the okey doke.

          Men have all kinds of tricks in their bag to get girls to fall for the okey doke and the purpose for this article is to get women to see through those tricks. It’s the same as warning someone not to fall for the ‘okey doke’ of a car salesman or any type of shyster who tries to blow smoke up someone’s azz in order to take advantage of them to get what ‘they want’. If that person is too naive to see it coming, then they’ll fall for the okey doke. Forewarned is forearmed.

          That remark about ‘some women running to the abortion clinic as if that is copout choice for them and they are wrong for that, and you thinking of yourself as having made the ‘better’ choice because you decided as a 16 yr old child to bring a child into this world is way backwards. Just like you said, people have free will and a woman can choose to have an abortion, it’s legal and that’s her choice. I admire women brave enough to make that choice over women/girls who bring kids into this world they are not prepared for and rely on tax dollars and others to help them carry that load. I get sick of my paycheck going towards social services that I myself have never used nor most likely will be able to use. So NO, I don’t admire at all a 16 year old irresponsible enough to bring 3 kids into this world.

          • The Warrior Emperess says:

            You are making a lot of assumptions about someone you do not know personally. I became pregnant because, foolishly, I was not using a stable method of birth control, not because some man coerced me. I was young, hot, and stupid and I have suffered for my actions over the years but I made the choice to bring children into the world and I will never regret it. My children are the best part of me and some self-righteous individual filled with her own self-importance and smug moralistic attitude is not going to take away my joy.

            My point is that we as women should stop blaming men for everything and take some responsibility for the choices we make and stop being so damned desperate for male attention. If I depended on a man for anything, I would starve. When a woman finds out she is pregnant, that is HER baby. A man has the option of walking away. Don’t be stupid and listen to sweet nothings in your ear about what he is going to do for you and your child because 99% of the time he is lying.

            Also, I am so tired of women using abortion as a method of birth-control. I personally know women who have had more than three abortions and that is fucking criminal. These same women will call another woman a whore, hood-rat and a slew of names like they are so virtuous, when their wombs are tombs.

          • Raz says:

            The warrior Emperess: ” I became pregnant because, foolishly, I was not using a stable method of birth control, not because some man coerced me.”

            What ‘unstable method of BC was that? I’ve always practiced responsible safe sex, and my BC (used properly) was not unstable and the guy wore a condom. Still I know accidents do happen, but most times those accidents are due to the irresponsibility of the people using the BC rather than the BC themselves.

            Emperess Warrior wrote: ‘ I was young, hot, and stupid “
            Yup and being young hot and stupid causes a lot of girls to fall for the Okey doke which you did.

            Warrior Emperess: ” I made the choice to bring children into the world and I will never regret it. My children are the best part of me and some self-righteous individual filled with her own self-importance and smug moralistic attitude is not going to take away my joy.”

            W.E. this is not about ‘you or your kids. When you first posted, you took personal offense at Ms. Cooper’s article and acted as though she was attacking you personally. You acted as though she had no right to warn women and young girls out there to not fall for the okey doke. You went on to continuously deny that you did fall for the okey doke. If this article doesn’t apply to you personally, why the heck are you up in here commenting? Nobody said anything about your not having kids, or that they weren’t the best part of you or any of that. You’re off on some whole other tangent and getting more personal. The bottom line is, a 16 year old is not an ideal parent (you don’t have to accept it or believe it), nobody cares if you do or not. If your daughter was 16 and turned up pregnant and single, another baby mama by a N.A.M., I’m sure you’d do back flips with joy that she chose the same path that you did, since things turned out so well for you. However most sensible people would not want their 16 year old girls to get pregnant. Most psychologist, and others agree that children lack the brain maturity to be responsible parents. Stop making this to be about you. Nobody asked you for your ‘life story of how your kids turned out. Your one incidence doesn’t negate the fact that many kids of teenagers end up in a dire situations. And hell yeah, I’m proud of the fact that I didn’t turn up at 16 and pregnant 3x’s . I had much better things to do with my life than to be a baby mama. That’s nothing to be proud of. People can have responsible safe sex. So hell yeah, I’m smug! 🙂

            W.E. “My point is that we as women should stop blaming men for everything and take some responsibility for the choices we make and stop being so damned desperate for male attention.”

            You have absolutely no credibility to give anyone advice considering you fell for the okey doke at 16 3x’s. You really need to go somewhere and sit down. Even after you fell for the okey doke, you still take up for N.A.M.S refusing to hold them responsible and accountable for preying on young girls like you once were. Stats show that most young girls are pregnant by men older than they are. Teenagers lack the ability to make long term judgment anyway which is another reason Ms. Cooper has written this article to provide guidance and a road map for girls/women to look to, so they don’t get caught up in the okey doke, like you did. Wow, you learned nothing, you think this article is about ‘blaming’ No wonder you fell for the Okey doke, you can’t even see and understand what this article is about.

            W.E. “If I depended on a man for anything, I would starve. When a woman finds out she is pregnant, that is HER baby. A man has the option of walking away. Don’t be stupid and listen to sweet nothings in your ear about what he is going to do for you and your child because 99% of the time he is lying.”

            Well I guess you could depend on a man to ‘get you pregnant, because you kept going after the dyck and ended up pregnant 3x’s, so again you have no credibility to be up in here giving anybody advice. People are better off listening to Michelle Obama and Ms. Cooper than some stupid baby mama at 16 who got pregnant 3x’s. And maybe you’d have more food in your mouth if you didn’t keep setting yourself up to be okey doked by N.A.M’S.

            W.E. wrote: “Also, I am so tired of women using abortion as a method of birth-control. I personally know women who have had more than three abortions and that is fucking criminal. These same women will call another woman a whore, hood-rat and a slew of names like they are so virtuous, when their wombs are tombs.”

            I’m so sick and tired of women who have babies they can’t afford as teenagers and rely on governemnt handout and other folks hard working money through tax dollars to help them take care of their snotty nosed brats. I personally just commented to a woman who had a baby at 16 by some stupid N.A.M. who didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out! And if that wasn’t enough, she was stupid enough to have 2 more babies. That’s fucking dumb as hell! Think of all the folks tax dollars that went towards her having food stamps, welfare, and other govt handouts, when her azz could have been in school learning instead of sexing up some N.A.M. These same women who have all these babies they can’t afford, will call another woman a whore, hood-rat and criminal and a slew of other names like they are so virtuous when they are so irresponsible with their wombs and use their wombs as baby making factories for Nothing ass men, bringing more mouths to feed in an already overcrowded world.

    • NewAgnostic says:

      As a single parent (through divorce) one of the first things I tell my son, nieces and nephews is “DON’T HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO BE TIED TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!”

      Being a single parent sucks no matter how much you love your children and no matter how or when you got there. I was 30 and educated when I became a single parent and being a single mother still affected decisions regarding career, further education, dating and financial security and stability. There is no reason a young woman should take on that kind of burden at any age. No matter what a man’s “intentions” are (even if you can get his sorry azz down the aisle) it is highly likely that when he moves on you (the woman) are going to be the one making all the sacrifices.

      DON’T DO IT! DON’T FALL FOR THE OKEY DOKE! Take care of your needs and dreams first. Always be discriminating when it comes to who you let in your bed and your heart!

      Yes we have all made mistakes and have to live with the consequences of our bad choices, but it doesn’t help anyone to become defensive about those mistakes. As a “grown a$$ woman” I have to admit I picked a dud, but that does not mean I am going to lay down and die nor am I going to pretend that I wouldn’t have done things differently had I known what I know now!

  15. Bellydancer says:

    This is called birth control sabotage and is used as a form of domestic violence.
    A study was done on this and was discarded because it was thought of as racist since it affected mostly black and latina women but white girls are also experiencing it.

    Center for Impact Research
    Domestic Violence and Birth Control Sabotage
    A Report from the Teen Parent Project
    http://www.impactresearch.org

    • Andrea says:

      There was an episode of Law & Order SVU, this year, about this very subject, starring John Stamos.

      I’ve long known that BM do this, and some are quick to turn around and claim that anyone could be their child’s father (Eddie Murphy) to escape responsibility, but I didn’t know it had become a nation-wide trend until I saw that episode of SVU.

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