Don’t Waste Your Time on a Fearful Defeatist
Deborrah, I listened to your show yesterday when you were interviewing Dr. Catherine Cardinal and talking about the things women do that drive men away and her book Men To Run From. You two were so funny, just great together and I laughed through the whole thing.
I agreed with everything she said, especially the part about women needing to feel safe and secure and that it was okay to look for a man that we can love and to ask him what his future plans are (5 and 10 years) to make sure he can provide the security and safety we need for our family.
But you had a caller who complained about women wanting security and to know what a man had in mind for the next 10 years. It sounded to me like he was trying to say that women had no right to ask men that question because of the economy. I was waiting for you to say something, but you moved past it and on to other things (I couldn’t believe it!)
Anyway, I really want to know what you think about what he said. I know you respond to editorial questions on your blog, so can you write about his attitude?
Signed,
Curious Listener
Dear Curious:
I had to go back and listen to the podcast to make sure I actually heard his response to Catherine’s statement (since I was multitasking the entire show). I typed out the exchange word for word so I wouldn’t misquote either of them:
Catherine: “The one thing women want is safety and the security of knowing that their nest is safe. Therefore a woman has the absolute right to ask a man where he feels he is headed with his financial goals and planning. That is where she will draw her security. Some men look at her as being a gold digger. Though there are gold diggers, men you have to come to the table and walk the walk, not just talk the talk.”
Then a call came in from a guy who voiced his concerns that “a woman asking what are your plans for the next 10 years… it would be hard to say due to the capitalistic economy that sucks right now. You’re 22 and courting a young lady that asks ‘what are you going to be doing 10 years from now?’ We don’t even know what is going to happen in 2 years based on the economy! So the security aspect, security that should come not only from the resources available at the present time, but the kind of character, integrity and sense of responsibility the person has.”
I recalled that when I was listening to him speak during the show, I not only heard the words he spoke, but also a defeatist attitude. He hadn’t even TRIED to create a plan and achieve any goals, yet he’d already accepted as a fact that he was going to fail. Such a defeatist attitude in a young Black man was shocking and highly disappointing. I felt even more disappointed after listening to him a second time on the podcast.
In our caller’s mind there it made no sense to plan for the future because his dreams would not come to fruition anyway due to the “capitalist economy that sucks right now.”
Such a statement is nothing but a cop out, a flat giving up and giving in to failure. When a man gives in to the fact that he will lose before he even steps up to bat, he tells himself there is no need to make an effort to plan for success. Thus, his projection of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a reality.
And that Curious Listener, is what I have to say about that young man and his sad attitude.
It’s sad enough that he believes he will fail to make his dreams come true, but that isn’t the part that angered me. What got me pissed was the fact that in his mind women were out of line to even THINK of asking such a question since he was (1) young and (2) an eventual victim of the economy. What woman wants a man that won’t even TRY to become a winner and make himself proud?
Our caller suggested that women not seek a man that has a plan to provide his future wife and family with security but instead focus on his character, integrity and sense of responsibility. Why would a woman sacrifice what she needs to feel psychologically safe because you don’t have your shit together man? Why is it that guys like this demand that women accept what THEY think women should want and have instead of what a woman wants and needs?
So to that young man I say: a man with a sense of responsibility, integrity and character is a man with a plan. Instead of throwing your hands up in a display of weakness and defeat, allowing yourself to be blown around like a tumbleweed with no plan for your life, show any woman that asks what your plan is that you have strength, purpose, determination, a strong character and plans for your future.
Acknowledging that many of us are dealing with a shaky financial situation, wouldn’t it make sense to create even MORE options for success? Instead of having just one plan that might be negatively impacted or even shot down by economic influences, a man of focused determination would have 5, 10, even 15 alternative plans! That way if Plan A fell flat, he would (like a runner in a relay race), grab hold of the second baton (Plan B) and take off running! A man with absolutely no plan and no goals, content to sit around and whine that he will fail so it is futile to try, is poorly positioned mentally to be a success either now or at any time in the future.
I’ve noticed this attitude quite frequently in young Black men, and it makes me wonder what is going on. Everyone has moments of doubt and fear where we wonder if we can do it after all, if we’re good enough to be chosen, if we really can make our dreams come true. But the difference between people that are losers and those that are winners is that the loser allows fear of not being good enough to keep them from trying.
Losers try to blame other people or outside influences for their lackings and fears instead of looking at the real cause of their failures – the man in the mirror.
Losers allow fear of failure to dissuade from them attempting to meet a challenge or to attempt something new or a difficult task. Losers allow questioning or even downright critical comments from friends or family to stop them from pursuing their dreams.
Let me give you a common example I’ve seen repeatedly where men displayed a defeatist attitude:
A young man is in a neighborhood bar shooting pool with a couple of friends when two attractive single women come in. He is instantly drawn to one who makes his heart beat faster and get stuck in his throat. He keeps stealing glances because he wants to say something to her and get her number so badly he can taste it.
However, a strange thing begins to happen. Bit by bit he begins to talk himself out of approaching by saying things like “she’s out of my league, what would she want with me?” or “I’m sure she has tons of guys chasing after her” or “she would probably think I’m stupid anyway and would clown me in front of my boys.”
So he turns back to the pool game, having allowed his fear of not being good enough, of failing, and of ridiculing comments from his so-called friends to keep him from even trying to pursue his dream of a wonderful woman.
In closing, I am amazed at how quickly some people submit to defeat, refuse to strive for excellence and achievement of success – instead settling for mediocrity. Defeatist attitudes are easier to assume than facing one’s fears and moving forward though the fear – going around it, over it, or by digging a hole underneath it. Whatever you need to do, get over your fears!
The courageous, those that become successful and leaders, those that make things happen never stop, never give up and never succumb willingly to defeat. The #1 goal of the courageous winner is to get to the other side of fear and the limitations fear places on our willingness to seek and achieve greatness.
There are two sayings I’d like to quote here: All we have to fear is fear itself, and winners never quit, and quitters never win. If a woman is dating a guy that admits defeat before he has even begun to fight the battle, she should move on immediately.
Don’t waste your time ladies… such a fella is not ready for prime time.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
Follow Me:
Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
@Kim No, a woman cannot push a man to become a defeatist, he does that to himself. When a man is on his grind and trying to achieve something, he doesn’t have time to spend on dating. That is why you leave them alone until they have their life stable and something to offer.
Read the article How and Why Men Ease Out of Relationships. That fade to black thing is the normal way when they don’t want a confrontation and to be bothered with tears.
But the bottom line is this – don’t wait for a man to TELL YOU what you already know. if he starts slipping and isn’t giving you the time and relationship that YOU want, dump him. YOU should be the one saying “this is not going to work.”
bodiddy You sound like a fool. A loser fool defensive because you got called on your shit. No woman can manipulate you if you have a strong mind. If you have no goals, no purpose, no direction, and no sense anyone can manipulate you, not just women. Men use women and dump them, just like women use men and dump them. You are not immune to emotional pain just because you’re a male. Get over yourself and get your mind right.
We already have our own everything which is exactly why WE DON’T NEED YOU.
I am a 30 year old SBF and I wish I had read this in November 09. You have described this man I dated for 6 months and just two weeks ago dismissed and ran from. He is the workaholic, and defeatest, and he didn’t display these features it until we had been dating 5 months. Before then he displayed none of these qualities. He’s 31 holds multiple degress, smart, funny, no kids, financially stable, and he was chivalrous and considerate beyond belief as long as you were physically present.
I’m wondering can a woman push a man to become a defeatist? In this case he was placing all of the expectations on himself. ie. How much time he was spending with me, be able to call or pick up my calls because he was busy, or even remembering to return my calls.
With the down turn in the economy his hotel started foreclosure, and he didn’t know where his next job was going to be and he was busy. That was one reason he gave me for not making it a committed relationship. Second he said he wanted to have a house, a stable job, and be rooted before he got in a relationship. For the life of him he couldn’t understand why these reason didn’t make good sense to me. And last but not least he always made sure to tell me he never wanted to disspoint me. My response is no one is that busy even Donald Trump and I’m more understanding. I know that sh*t happens.
Regaurdless I would like to thank you for this eye opening article. I would like to hear a segment on “Why it is so hard for some men to be honest.” The majority of men I’ve been dating are excellent communicators. When it comes down to it there have been multiple scenerios where the men choose to not say ” This isn’t going to work” or ” I’m interested in someone else” or ” I thought I wanted a relationship and I was wrong” or just plain “you’re not what I’m looking for”.
Theres a drop in communication as if they’re saying ” eventually she’ll get the picture” and eventually I do get tired of the lag in communication, call (or email if they when they don’t answer) and say “I’ve had enough, I don’t know whats going on but I’m done and moving on” just to achieve some kind closure for myself.
To all the women on this site going on this 22 year old guy. Many of you are older women and I understand that there are a lot of men out there who are not worthy. However, many of you are old enough to be this boys mother and I find it disturbing that many of you are using words such as loser and not good enough to describe people.
Calling people losers is not okay. The fact is women have the first offer of refusal and many of you are sitting here clearly with a lot of bitterness. I am a woman and I know that men can be interesting. But I tell all the men I date, that I expect them to be emotionally responsible for themselves meaning that they are in tune with who they are and they become their own advocate.
If you say this from the beginning, most emotionally unavailable, or irresponsible men would get rid of them selves. It is downright cruel to call a young man a loser. He needs guidance and some of you need your empathy skills in check. If this was a 32 year old man, then I would absolutely agree. However, this boy has yet to mature into adulthood.
If this is how some of you are, then some of you should not even have kids. Many black women in this society are the ones who make these men into what they are. I have observed how black women raise their sons. You spoil them rotten and never hold them accountable for anything and yet you wonder why they feel that they don’t have to account for themselves to another woman.
Some of you are so emotionally crippled that you emotionally suffocate your sons putting them on a pedestal and blowing up their egos. They spend the rest of their adult lives looking for validation in every woman to the point that some of these men are narcissists.
I am a black woman from Africa and so I apologize if what I said may seem offensive. My intention is not to offend. But I a a young woman as well and older women calling younger people losers is not cool at all. Just my two cents.
Of course, one assumes that when one asks this question that one is given a truthful answer. In some cases, the “future plans” turn out to be your own plans, very cleverly crafted back to you, and he actually has no friggin’ idea what he’ll be doing in 10 years time. Other than sucking the life-blood out of you.
I believe, people who are like this are called con-men, and if you’re lucky, you may get out of the relationship in 4 – 5 years time (once you’ve cottoned on that what he says and what he does are 2 entirely different things) with some sanity, some self-respect and a whole lot less of finances than when you met him.
‘Only thing we have to fear is fear itself’. FDR’s first inaugural speech.
I to have my moments where I pysche myself out in fear. I’m aware of it when I do it, and I talk myself right back out of it. Being afraid is normal, but staying afraid to the point where it cripples you from moving forward to achieve a goal for yourself is not the way to be.
Once you adopt that attitude you become a pessimistic person who will then turn around and rain on everyone else’s parade. When you see someone else trying to achieve something, you would be the one to bring in the negatives of why that person can’t reach their goal. Misery loves company and you’d want everyone to be in the same state of mind as you are. Pretty soon people will stop coming around because you would become the depressing down in the dumps Eeyore character from Winne the Pooh. No one wants to be around a wet blanket.
“Our caller suggested that women not seek a man that has a plan to provide his future wife and family with security but instead focus on his character, integrity and sense of responsibility. ”
In the quote above, men always try to do this as a deflection. They know they don’t measure up so rather than do what they need to do to cut the mustard, they try to deflect the woman by making it seem as though what she is seeking is unworthy and shallow traits from a man. They FAIL in this deflection. As one man put when someone wanted to date his teenage daughter. “There are certain standards, I require for anyone to step to my daughter’. He must SHOW potential, not ‘Have’ potential for we all have that.”
So for that caller, I would say, what have you done to SHOW evidence of your character, integrity and responsibility.
Talk is cheap and far too many men are weak where it matters in relationships and stepping up cutting the mustard showing that they are responsible men who are capable of being husbands and taking care of their family.
I am reminded of two men whom I currently admire. One is my brother-in-law. When he met my sister, he was in a low paying dead end job, but he loved her and wanted to be with her. Rather than tell her to ‘accept him based on his ‘character, integrity and sense of responsibility’. He improved his situation, joined the military and some 20 years later after a successful career, he has retired and they are blessed with a nice family life. In other words, he got himself in gear and ‘stepped up’. He only proposed marriage to her, after he got himself on track to be husband and eventually father. My sister never asked him to ‘step up’. He had the gumption to come to that realization of what he needed to do himself. In fact, she wanted to marry him sooner than he was ready and he asked her to wait on him, because he had a plan of action ready.
Another man I admire is someone who is ambitious and looking to start his own business despite the rough economy and the banks making it difficult to obtain loans. He has a plan of action. A few of them which he has readily shared with me. He is enthusiastic about what he wants to do and is concentrating his time and energy on getting himself together to be successful in his career. He’s in his 20’s and I should mention he isn’t a BM.
It seems far to many BM today are looking for BW to ‘carry them’ to see them through’. They don’t want to help themselves, so they look for a woman to help raise them up. Then turn around and dog BW out for being too strong, too overbearing too something…
Sadly because many BM today haven’t had father figures in their home showing them how to be a man and the role a man is supposed to play with their wife and family, they’ve grown up watching their mothers take on the role of mother, father which is why they go into relationships expecting a woman to continue to ‘carry them’ and want to be with them and consider them viable mates despite what they DON’T bring to the table rather than what they do bring to the table.
This mentality needs to change. BW are getting tired of these type of men.