Don’t Waste Your Time on a Fearful Defeatist

. 01/11/2010 . 6 Comments

fearful men, men afraid of commitment, fear of failure, fear of rejection, male fears, why men are afraid of women, fear of rejectionDeborrah, I listened to your show yesterday when you were interviewing Dr. Catherine Cardinal and talking about the things women do that drive men away and her book Men To Run From. You two were so funny, just great together and I laughed through the whole thing.

I agreed with everything she said, especially the part about women needing to feel safe and secure and that it was okay to look for a man that we can love and to ask him what his future plans are (5 and 10 years) to make sure he can provide the security and safety we need for our family.

But you had a caller who complained about women wanting security and to know what a man had in mind for the next 10 years. It sounded to me like he was trying to say that women had no right to ask men that question because of the economy. I was waiting for you to say something, but you moved past it and on to other things (I couldn’t believe it!)

Anyway, I really want to know what you think about what he said. I know you respond to editorial questions on your blog, so can you write about his attitude?

Signed,
Curious Listener

Dear Curious:
I had to go back and listen to the podcast to make sure I actually heard his response to Catherine’s statement (since I was multitasking the entire show). I typed out the exchange word for word so I wouldn’t misquote either of them:

 

Catherine: “The one thing women want is safety and the security of knowing that their nest is safe. Therefore a woman has the absolute right to ask a man where he feels he is headed with his financial goals and planning. That is where she will draw her security. Some men look at her as being a gold digger. Though there are gold diggers, men you have to come to the table and walk the walk, not just talk the talk.”

 

Then a call came in from a guy who voiced his concerns that “a woman asking what are your plans for the next 10 years… it would be hard to say due to the capitalistic economy that sucks right now. You’re 22 and courting a young lady that asks ‘what are you going to be doing 10 years from now?’ We don’t even know what is going to happen in 2 years based on the economy! So the security aspect, security that should come not only from the resources available at the present time, but the kind of character, integrity and sense of responsibility the person has.”

I recalled that when I was listening to him speak during the show, I not only heard the words he spoke, but also a defeatist attitude. He hadn’t even TRIED to create a plan and achieve any goals, yet he’d already accepted as a fact that he was going to fail. Such a defeatist attitude in a young Black man was shocking and highly disappointing. I felt even more disappointed after listening to him a second time on the podcast.

In our caller’s mind there it made no sense to plan for the future because his dreams would not come to fruition anyway due to the “capitalist economy that sucks right now.”

Such a statement is nothing but a cop out, a flat giving up and giving in to failure. When a man gives in to the fact that he will lose before he even steps up to bat, he tells himself there is no need to make an effort to plan for success. Thus, his projection of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a reality.

And that Curious Listener, is what I have to say about that young man and his sad attitude.

It’s sad enough that he believes he will fail to make his dreams come true, but that isn’t the part that angered me. What got me pissed was the fact that in his mind women were out of line to even THINK of asking such a question since he was (1) young and (2) an eventual victim of the economy. What woman wants a man that won’t even TRY to become a winner and make himself proud?

Our caller suggested that women not seek a man that has a plan to provide his future wife and family with security but instead focus on his character, integrity and sense of responsibility. Why would a woman sacrifice what she needs to feel psychologically safe because you don’t have your shit together man? Why is it that guys like this demand that women accept what THEY think women should want and have instead of what a woman wants and needs?

So to that young man I say: a man with a sense of responsibility, integrity and character is a man with a plan. Instead of throwing your hands up in a display of weakness and defeat, allowing yourself to be blown around like a tumbleweed with no plan for your life, show any woman that asks what your plan is that you have strength, purpose, determination, a strong character and plans for your future.

Acknowledging that many of us are dealing with a shaky financial situation, wouldn’t it make sense to create even MORE options for success? Instead of having just one plan that might be negatively impacted or even shot down by economic influences, a man of focused determination would have 5, 10, even 15 alternative plans! That way if Plan A fell flat, he would (like a runner in a relay race), grab hold of the second baton (Plan B) and take off running! A man with absolutely no plan and no goals, content to sit around and whine that he will fail so it is futile to try, is poorly positioned mentally to be a success either now or at any time in the future.fearful men, men afraid of commitment, fear of failure, fear of rejection, male fears, why men are afraid of women, fear of rejectionman

I’ve noticed this attitude quite frequently in young Black men, and it makes me wonder what is going on. Everyone has moments of doubt and fear where we wonder if we can do it after all, if we’re good enough to be chosen, if we really can make our dreams come true. But the difference between people that are losers and those that are winners is that the loser allows fear of not being good enough to keep them from trying.

Losers try to blame other people or outside influences for their lackings and fears instead of looking at the real cause of their failures – the man in the mirror.

Losers allow fear of failure to dissuade from them attempting to meet a challenge or to attempt something new or a difficult task. Losers allow questioning or even downright critical comments from friends or family to stop them from pursuing their dreams.

Let me give you a common example I’ve seen repeatedly where men displayed a defeatist attitude:

A young man is in a neighborhood bar shooting pool with a couple of friends when two attractive single women come in. He is instantly drawn to one who makes his heart beat faster and get stuck in his throat. He keeps stealing glances because he wants to say something to her and get her number so badly he can taste it.

However, a strange thing begins to happen. Bit by bit he begins to talk himself out of approaching by saying things like “she’s out of my league, what would she want with me?” or “I’m sure she has tons of guys chasing after her” or “she would probably think I’m stupid anyway and would clown me in front of my boys.”

So he turns back to the pool game, having allowed his fear of not being good enough, of failing, and of ridiculing comments from his so-called friends to keep him from even trying to pursue his dream of a wonderful woman.

In closing, I am amazed at how quickly some people submit to defeat, refuse to strive for excellence and achievement of success – instead settling for mediocrity. Defeatist attitudes are easier to assume than facing one’s fears and moving forward though the fear – going around it, over it, or by digging a hole underneath it. Whatever you need to do, get over your fears!

The courageous, those that become successful and leaders, those that make things happen never stop, never give up and never succumb willingly to defeat. The #1 goal of the courageous winner is to get to the other side of fear and the limitations fear places on our willingness to seek and achieve greatness.

There are two sayings I’d like to quote here: All we have to fear is fear itself, and winners never quit, and quitters never win. If a woman is dating a guy that admits defeat before he has even begun to fight the battle, she should move on immediately.

Don’t waste your time ladies… such a fella is not ready for prime time.

 

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder


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