7 Early Warning Signs of a Doomed Dating Relationship
Avoid unnecessary heartbreak and wasting time in dead-end relationships. Here are seven indicators that a "crash and burn" may be in your future!
1. Partner Still Involved With The Ex
Can we say "rebound?" It’s common to meet singles who are having a difficult time letting go of the past. You’ll notice disturbing behavior: the Ex’s name comes up frequently in conversations; there may be regular phone calls, secretive visits, frequent arguments and a lot of unresolved pain between them. You may think that if you love enough, you can make it all better… that if you are patient enough, you’ll get what you want in the end.
Realistically, it takes years for hearts to fully heal; some never hit the mark. While you sit there smugly thinking "well s/he is here with ME" remember that you only have the body – the Ex has their heart. Are you prepared to wait around for weeks, months, years with no guarantees you’ll EVER get the love you want? I suggest you not waste time fighting ghosts of the past.
2. Desperation Fuels Your Search
Some singles are very ready for a relationship. That readiness for commitment comes across as anxiety about finding someone – desperate and fearful anxiety. With biological clocks ticking and heart in hand, you attach yourself to the first person that shows interest, no matter how inappropriate.
Though this individual is NOTHING you ever claimed to want, you desperately hang on trying to "make it work." Or you may find yourself repeatedly involved in passionate relationships with people that are emotionally mentally or physically unavailable (i.e. married, long-distance Internet relationships, convicts, regular user of television video games drugs or alcohol to escape, workaholics with no time for you, or sex-based FWBs that leave you feeling used and lonely). Your friends and family scratch their heads and wonder what you see that they don’t. You have no real defense other than "you can’t help who you love!"
3. Unrealistic Expectations of Perfection
Every time the phrase "you should" comes out of your mouth, you are judging and holding yourself up to be superior. Anytime the words "why don’t you" escape your lips, you are expressing your disapproval. You are trying to CHANGE someone. When energy is expended attempting to change the other to become what YOU think they should be there is trouble ahead. Anyway, you aren’t perfect yourself, so why insist someone else try to be?
True love is constructed on a foundation of respect, commonality and acceptance. However, incompatible sexual beliefs, lifestyle choices, and/or gender role expectations will cause insurmountable rifts. If there is such a vast difference in values, beliefs or lifestyles that you find your mate’s preferences to be distasteful, the problem here is not them, it’s YOU.
4. Displays of Jealous, Obsessive, Controlling or Abusive Behavior
Abuse can be insidious and not easily recognizable, but usually one is left with visible bruises and damaged self-confidence. Pushing, name-calling, pinching, slapping, arm-twisting and punching are abusive intimidation tactics. Damaging your property to "get you back," unwarranted anger and jealousy that makes you walk on eggshells are others.
Hurtful, mean, disparaging words said to you are common psychologically abusive behaviors. And of course your mate is sorry and promises not to do it again — until the next time. Abusers must get only ONE chance. If you are ever physically assaulted, fearful of injury for any reason, or verbally insulted even once, please close the door on that relationship immediately.
5. You Can’t Stand Your Mate’s Friends, Family or Children
Should you marry, your mate becomes a part of your family, and you a part of theirs. If you cannot blend your close friends and loved ones with those of your mate during the dating process, there will be serious conflict down the road. And it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to give up childhood friends or forego family bonds important to them. Just remember that "blood is thicker than water." If you hate your mate’s friends and family and they are aware of it, they’ll soon close ranks and you’ll be out.
6. Giving Too Much
When your love for yourself is affected by your love for someone else, you are on a downhill slide. Being considerate is important, but not when it means you sacrifice your safety, financial stability or health! You are guilty of giving too much if you put aside condoms, rewarding hobbies, interests, loving friends or family because of your mate’s negative comments. Your world becomes smaller as you center it around pleasing your mate and sacrificing yourself. Love cannot blossom without respect. Stand up for yourself; demand fairness and equality in both giving and receiving! Make no excuses. Anyone coming into your life not up to par with regards to maturity or responsibility must be put in the "reject" pile.
7. Strong Evidence of Lying
Honesty and the trust it establishes is at the core of any loving relationship. Lying, pretense, and factual omissions damage trust. Compulsive liars possess a serious character flaw, and they never change. Ask yourself what is it that your mate is trying to hide or pretend to be and why?
Anyone that won’t tell the truth about themselves, beliefs or behaviors is afraid of being exposed, which means you cannot ever be truly intimate partners. If you’ve caught your mate lying and feel that you cannot trust him or her anymore, why are you staying? Where can this situation go but up in smoke?
Closing your eyes to these seven warning signs won’t make the problems go away — what you see is what you get. Your goal is to find someone you can share your spirit with, as well as your heart and life. Realistically assess each potential partner you meet until you find a solid, secure fit that feels like you’ve come home.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder, Miscellaneous
Thank ya, Ms. D. Good post. Mya Angelo said it years ago on Oprah & I still remember, ” When someone shows you who they are the first time, BELIEVE them!” I am 46 years old & I can witness that, that is a very wise & helpful statement. It hasn’t failed me in 20+years.