Double Standards, Misogny and Black Men

| 11/03/2011 | Comments (9)

Author Shawn Braxton

In talking about Black male attitudes about women’s sexual history and value based upon their number of previous partners, I wanted to share my thoughts.

I admit that I have to check many of my friends and myself on that assumption all the time. These things have been passed down from generation to generation as even the black men in my family, older men, commonly believe that the women that they impregnated outside of their marriages WANTED to become pregnant by them.

My question was always, ” Did you come to that conclusion before or after the fact” or, “where were you when she decided that she wanted to become pregnant by you?” Ultimately, it’s just a nonsensical reason to justify why you didn’t tell your spouse about this kid before you got married (or after).

With males that I’ve associated with, there is a notion, particularly among black males, that you do not want a female that’s been “ran through” even if you participated in the running. And dare not to challenge them on that, because that would be a violation of “man law” that I guess I have broken on several occasions. I do find that men, from my personal experience as well, go through great lengths to control female sexuality and perpetuate misogyny and sexism.

In many instances, we don’t even know that we are doing it because I use to adhere to such principles. I see many of those principles perpetuated in a popular black relationships discussion group that I apparently just got kicked out of, because I had to school the damn creator of the group on what Black Feminism really is, while arguing that black relationships would fair better using Black Feminist principles (particularly black men) in today’s socioeconomic realities that the vast majority of black men and women face in this society.

In my mind, there is nothing beautiful about internalizing white male patriarchal notions of manhood, womanhood, and how loving relationships should be, and I think these things serve as barriers to black men who may come in contact with black women that do not need us to be bread winners, but rather SIGNIFICANT CONTRIBUTORS.

Too many of us claim to want strong black females as mates, but we really want cheerleaders. We want wives but not necessarily partners. I have to constantly check my own misogyny and sexism given that these things have been sowed in me since birth. I’ve had conversations with many black women who’ve felt the need to inhibit themselves sexually or downgrade their accomplishments on dates while trying to make us feel extra special.

If a woman cannot be a whole person while in a relationship with me, what am I really doing (whether knowingly or unknowingly)? Just some of my many thoughts.

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  1. Casey says:

    Some Black men can be so damned ridiculous with their standards. If you sleep with him too quickly, then you are a ho. But miraculously, he is not, even though he slept with you, too.

    If you don’t sleep with him right away, or not at all, then you are stuck up. If you don’t want to, for instance, be alone with him in a nonpublic place because you don’t know him well enough to be comfortable doing that, then you are cold.

    If you are in a nonpublic place with him and you spurn his advances, well what did you expect, you should not have been there alone with him.

    Black men want a freak in the sheets. Well, how do Black men you think your woman got to be such a freak? Perhaps it is by keeping her virginity. Yeah, that must be it….SMH…

  2. jazmin1957 says:

    OMG when will these guys grow up. If you dudes don’t like HOs then don’t be a HO yoself. You think all women are HOs because you yourself act like HOs. Women need to stand up and look down on male HOs just like they do to us. NO, sorry dude, but conquests don’t make the man any more than getting laid makes the woman. Any dude trying to screw anything is not a man, never was a man, and never will be. Neither are LIARS which is what they do best. Don’t fall for the lie. Grow up black men, you are only proving to be immature liars, nothing else. It’s way past time to evolve, don’t you think? So many of you black men I could really like, but you disappoint me with your attitudes.

  3. Trixie says:

    NeophyteSLB…I think I get your concept. Double standards within the black community are HUGE and very present. Black men generally are very traditional. And, it’s these very same men that want a pristine woman when they themselves have been perpetrators pressuring woman to have sex. My thought is if you’ve been a ho, why and how can you expect your woman to not have a past before you? Whether it be one man or one hundred it shouldn’t matter. Don’t be the pot calling the kettle black if your past sexual behaviors are questionable.

    The question that black men need to ask before bedding a women is “if my daughter, sister, aunt or mama were being pressured to screw by another man, would I make a different decision with this current woman in my presence?” The answer that I’d like to believe is yes. However, I’ve been shown that BM just don’t care. They seem to be really good about honoring their own needs above a woman’s. And, god forbid that that trick gets pregnant. Then, it’s all her fault. She should have kept her legs closed or been on birth control. Nevermind that that man probably lied, cheated, and pressured her to to drop her panties.

    It seems to me that the solution to double standards and misogyny begins with self. If you don’t want a woman that’s been “run through” then you need to be that black man that makes better decisions. For every girl, women, daughter, sister, cousin, auntie, mama, and grandmama you run through…you risk that the females in your life are being targetted by someone with this same predator behavior. THINK ABOUT IT!

  4. eLLe85 says:

    I have to log in to say that I truly wish more bm would really GET this, like this brotha here. We want partnerships, we wanted to be treated as equal human beings worthy of respect. Just think how much more progressed we could have been as a “black community” if the males would have gotten a clue that conforming to white male patriarchal norms wasn’t for them. If we would have stuck together and worked together, where we would be as a people by now. The black women were there, they kept trying but eventually the lot of them gave up and started the “can’t beat em so I will join em” campaign. The community is no more. It is now, US versus THEM. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I probably won’t have a black man in my life going forward. I am not sure this divide can be healed in this lifetime, but it would be a blessing to witness if it did.

  5. praguegirl says:

    It’s very nice to get a black guy’s point of view. Shawn was very forthcoming and honest about what we already knew about some black men. How refreshing! The woman in his life is very lucky!

    • blackcaesar says:

      Well I don’t care how misogynistic and sexist I seem. I don’t want any woman who has to use use two hands to count the number of her sexual partners and she’s not even 30. Black men are smart not to want them either. A promiscuous woman or man for that matter, but particularly a woman because she has more to lose from promiscuity (like her reproductive capacity via cervical cancer and scarred fallopian tubes), is a woman or a man lacking in good judgement. For one thing, there aren’t that many men or women worth giving your body to, if they aren’t married to you. I mean marriage means something. It is a public declaration of commitment. Call me mysogynistic if you like, but promiscuous women tend to be psychologically unhealthy, unstable, and seeking validation. This is not a healthy human being. She’s also likely to be disease ridden. No, Black men got this one right. Now, they shouldn’t be promiscuous themselves and they should abstain until in a marriage or atleast a commited monogomous relationship.

      • Deborrah says:

        How would you know that? That’s what I mean. Men think they know how many dicks have been up someone’s pussy. You will NEVER KNOW. No matter what she tells you, you have no way of knowing if its true or not. Unless you were glued to her hip her entire life, you don’t know anything about her sex life other than what she tells you or what some other rumor monger tells you. A woman trying to get at you will lie on some other woman to turn you against her, so you can’t trust that. And one of your boys and even a relative that wants to get at your girl will tell you lies to turn you against her so he can have her. So you can’t trust that either. The smartest thing to do is not worry about what someone has done before you came into their life, and to instead worry about what happens after you showed up. You will go crazy wondering and questioning, and you’ll die STILL wondering and STILL questioning.

        • blackcaesar says:

          Oh, I can tell a ho from a non-ho! It has to do with how she carries herself and whether she values her body. There are PEW (since you love to cite their studies) that say that girls and young women who smoke and drink are more likely to be promiscuous. It makes sense. If they don’t care enough about their bodies not to abuse alcohol and tobacco, then they won’t care in other ways, and allow any old nasty dick up in there as well. Their eating habits. If they allow low-quality nutrient-deficient food into their bodies, then they will allow a bunch of low-quality men and their penises into their bodies. If the woman dresses in a scantily-clad manner or skin-tight hot pants, then she’s seeking attention and validation. She has low self-esteem to seek out attention in this manner and is seeking to boost it with the attention of men. She’s probably a ho. Remember the saying, “If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck, it’s a duck.” If she comes from a good or maybe I should say intact family, she is less likely to be promiscuous. There are PEW studies that say that girls without fathers in the home are more like to begin sex at an earlier age. Good girls wait until their twenties before the really get going with sex. Last, but not least of all, there’s nothing like a good old fashioned screening for HIV and STD’s before having sex with a new partner. If the woman does not want to submit to that, she’s a HO!

  6. livingforpeace says:

    Wow! I actually got confused and had to reread twice and then saw the picture with author under it. I thought a female wrote this but some parts made no sense if one did. Not that I am saying you are feminine. I couldn’t believe a bm wrote this. Thank you!I hope to have the same mix up happen often. If it does, that means some bw & bm may find true success in relationships, careers as well as finances. Imagine the power in respect and trust based on realistic expectations!

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