Double Standards, Misogny and Black Men

. 11/03/2011 . 9 Comments

Author Shawn Braxton

In talking about Black male attitudes about women’s sexual history and value based upon their number of previous partners, I wanted to share my thoughts.

I admit that I have to check many of my friends and myself on that assumption all the time. These things have been passed down from generation to generation as even the black men in my family, older men, commonly believe that the women that they impregnated outside of their marriages WANTED to become pregnant by them.

My question was always, ” Did you come to that conclusion before or after the fact” or, “where were you when she decided that she wanted to become pregnant by you?” Ultimately, it’s just a nonsensical reason to justify why you didn’t tell your spouse about this kid before you got married (or after).

With males that I’ve associated with, there is a notion, particularly among black males, that you do not want a female that’s been “ran through” even if you participated in the running. And dare not to challenge them on that, because that would be a violation of “man law” that I guess I have broken on several occasions. I do find that men, from my personal experience as well, go through great lengths to control female sexuality and perpetuate misogyny and sexism.

In many instances, we don’t even know that we are doing it because I use to adhere to such principles. I see many of those principles perpetuated in a popular black relationships discussion group that I apparently just got kicked out of, because I had to school the damn creator of the group on what Black Feminism really is, while arguing that black relationships would fair better using Black Feminist principles (particularly black men) in today’s socioeconomic realities that the vast majority of black men and women face in this society.

In my mind, there is nothing beautiful about internalizing white male patriarchal notions of manhood, womanhood, and how loving relationships should be, and I think these things serve as barriers to black men who may come in contact with black women that do not need us to be bread winners, but rather SIGNIFICANT CONTRIBUTORS.

Too many of us claim to want strong black females as mates, but we really want cheerleaders. We want wives but not necessarily partners. I have to constantly check my own misogyny and sexism given that these things have been sowed in me since birth. I’ve had conversations with many black women who’ve felt the need to inhibit themselves sexually or downgrade their accomplishments on dates while trying to make us feel extra special.

If a woman cannot be a whole person while in a relationship with me, what am I really doing (whether knowingly or unknowingly)? Just some of my many thoughts.

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Category: Guest Posts, Men's Issues


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