Emotional Abuse and the Emotionally Abusive Black Man
INTRODUCTION
Both depression and obesity are at epidemic levels amongst Black women in the U.S. Could these afflictions be attributable to stressful interactions and relationships with Black men? I believe so. The most abusive men tend to be those that feel the most powerless, least confident, the most insecure about their abilities and accomplishments. Here in the United States those men are, for the most part, Black men.
Whether in familial, romantic or social environments, Black men have demonstrated a marked and increasing lack of respect for and condemning, judgmental disdain for Black women. Both online and offline, Black men present themselves as toxic – full of rage, self-hatred, insecurity and fear that they project onto Black women at every opportunity. Whether on public streets with complete strangers, or in the confines of romantic relationships, Black men’s communication with Black women is laden with critical, belittling words and threatening behaviors.
When Black men are in groups, their emotionally abusive behavior and use of verbally abusive words escalates. Weak, fearful and lacking in confidence, it becomes important to impress their buddies and prove that they are a man by shaming women. This is accomplished by demonstrating their “ability” to subdue and denigrate females with words (name calling and belittling), touching women inappropriately (sexual assault), following women down the street (threatening), hitting or spitting on women then laughing uproariously (humiliation), and generally acting a fool. It almost seems as if Black men go out of their way to find ways to degrade Black women.
THE SICK GAME OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Though all of us may occasionally blurt out something hurtful to our partners, those that are not abusive are immediately filled with deep concern for the pain we’ve caused. Our relationship is important to us, so we issue a heartfelt apology and check ourselves to make sure we never behave that way again. Abusers, however, never apologize because everything they are saying and doing is being done on purpose.
It’s important for readers to understand the difference between someone that says one hurtful thing every few months or years, and someone that says hurtful things at least once per day.
Black women desire and deserve the love, encouragement and support of their romantic partners. Men that exhibit a pattern of emotionally abusive behaviors over a period of time have no desire to provide anything which helps a Black woman feel better about herself or that builds her up; their sole goal is to tear a confident, educated, successful Black woman down. They seek to make Black women that feel good about themselves instead feel as insignificant, miserable and afraid as they are. In other words, he does or says whatever he can to break your spirit. Gaining the upper hand over and breaking the spirit of an educated, accomplished or exceptionally beautiful woman that is greatly desired by other men makes the abuser feel even more powerful.
Understand how the game of emotional abuse is played. It always begins with him behaving wonderfully towards you while closely observing your responses. He is seeking information to use against you later, so he must know early on what your sentimental and emotional triggers are. To accomplish this, Black men will compliment you, be extremely attentive, excitingly romantic and do all they can to build you up and make you happy. Then, without warning he will rip the rug out from under you to watch you crash. You are left reeling, confused, wounded and wondering what you did to “make” him change.
The blame shifting is a large part of the triumph for these guys. But their ultimate victory is attained when they have control of your happiness and can create sadness and upset in you at any time with just a look or a few cutting words. When he is controlling your emotions like a yo-yo on a string, he has won the game.
LeeAnne’s Story
“When I was pregnant with our daughter, my husband of two years took to hanging out by himself with other couples. When I asked why he never took me his response was “I can’t take you because you’re all big and everything! Look at you!”
The day he said that I sobbed for hours. It hurt me to think I was carrying his child and loving him and looking forward to us having a family, yet he saw me as nothing but a whale? It opened my eyes to other nasty things he would say and do to me. He would have me dressed and waiting for him to go out, then show up hours late and not want to go. He made snarky comments about my choice in music, my cooking, family and friends, and even how I dressed.
I stayed at home for a year, taking care of our new baby even with complications related to the birth. I was cooking twice per day and cleaning our 3 bedroom house to make it spotless. All he had to say was he didn’t know why I was tired since I “hadn’t done anything all day” which made me feel like a failure. He began pushing me to do freaky sexual activities with other couples or things he saw in porno movies that I didn’t want to do. He would threaten to leave me and our child, or tell me that a White woman would do it for him… White women didn’t have my “hang ups.”
I became depressed and started seeing a counselor. I realized that I had no friends that weren’t his friends too. His family was nearby, but with my family was more than 1000 miles away, I had no support. I really started to hate him and how he made me feel so bad about myself. I was very young when we got married, fresh out of college. I hadn’t dated a lot in school and didn’t have much experience with men. I thought our love would last forever, but I learned the hard way that was not to be.
The final straw came when I realized that the “hot chocolate” he started making for me a few nights per week was how he drugged so he could sneak out of the house and be with other women. I couldn’t figure out how I kept getting so many vaginal infections – but then it all made sense. When my heart was broken into tiny pieces and the marriage irreparable, I finally left him. Our daughter was not quite two when we divorced. She’s 15 now and I pray she never involves herself with a man like her father.
I was so confused because he was wonderful to me at first, but he changed once we got married. It’s so hard to tell when you should put love aside and not chalk their behavior up to a bad day. I didn’t know when to leave the marriage and I kept trying because I really wanted us to work. I believed marriage was forever. I was so young, so naive. I didn’t know what to look for to know a man is an abuser when I met him, but I know now!”
(continued on page 2 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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I feel the exact same way. I agree with you.
This article is specifially talking about black men. You must be offended or the author must of striked a nerve. Everything was very informative. And obviously you seem to have some deep rooted issues with yourself. Please seek help.
Enjoyed reading this article. I agree with everything the author stated. I have noticed that black men are extremely abusive, manuiplators, cheat on their wives/girlfriends, on the downlow, and lie about being employed. This list can go on and on. But I can very very good at reading and picking up on things. I see so many women playing “wife” just after a week of meeting a man. And then wonder why he uses them and he doesnt appreciate it. Because you have not given the man anything to work for. You playing house, so why should he work to keep you? In his mind, he has already got you because you done gave it to him. I really wish black women would be smarter about who they choose to let into their lives. Also, in the beginning a man only shows you what he wants you to see. No matter how humble, educated, smart he may seems. His true colors will come out sooner than later. So just because he is nice in the beginning does not guarantee that you truly know him….I also see black men degrade black women online yet these are the same women protesting for them when they are harassed and discriminated by cops. Black men are judged constantly by society and the police so they in return take their anger out on us……Be very mindful of who you bring into your life.
@Marcus Love Shut the fuck up. You don’t have a vagina and have no clue about female experiences with men. I hate hate hate when men try to discount and discredit women’s experiences with men based on their “knowledge”. FOH! Unless you are gay as all outdoors, you will never ever even have a hint of what we are talking about.
Nobody attracts what they are. That is just some more clown ass victim blaming bullshit niggas love to throw around. Instead, trifling ass men attract good women to them because they are seeking out people to destroy. They act nice and good and polite to suck you in. Just like how the Venus Flytrap has that sweet nectar then traps the fly in it and sucks the life out of the poor thing. Abusive men are exactly the same as a Venus Flytrap. They do the attracting. They are good at it because they are fucking sociopaths.
ladydon52 If a woman is educated and accomplished, she has put in many years of work to acquire that education and those accomplishments. She has every right to dismiss some clown who hasn’t done squat but get a GED or work at the post office. Black men are not OWED a black woman. If she doesn’t want to be bothered with his uneducated, uncouth ass, she has every right to do so. You and nobody else needs to put her down for that. What the hell kind of bullshit ass comment is this? Too bad I’m just now seeing it.
@Onyx and you are here reading articles about abusive men why?
@Marcus Love exactly what an abusive jackass I dated would say to me…. Deborrah – you are on point!
ladydon52 No one is saying that you are “a bad person” because you don’t meet their standards for formal education. Just like if you smoked weed and a woman doesn’t want a weed smoking man. Just like if you drink and she is a 12 stepper and that is out of her life and she doesn’t want to be around it. Just like if you have three baby mommas and she wants a man who has no children at all so he can have them with her in marriage.
People have all kinds of standards and they have every right to have them. If you don’t feel valuable because that person doesn’t want you, then that is a personal self esteem problem, not the responsibility of the other party.
They have the right to be happy just like you do. The more education one has, generally the greater one’s earning capacity. Doctors and lawyers and MBA’s make more than postal workers and mail room boys and waiters.
That’s just how it is chick.
@Deborrah Cooper
I just stumbled on this site and must say I cannot agree with you more. FINALLY, someone has written what I’ve been saying all along. I would guess that 99.9 percent of all black women’s problems can be traced, directly or indirectly, to the useless black man.
Thank you, Deborah!
@Pat They need to come with WARNING labels on them honey. I feel sorry for all the white women with them and the ones who brag about having them…..the men put black women down to the white women and they fall for it, when he fact, sooner or later he will become verbally abusive and/or beat them to a pulp!
I have been with my man for about 5 years, although over the course of the years their were signs which showed his true character, as women (even educated, beautiful etc.) we tend to hold on tightly to these “bad habits”, hoping one day they will change. Well, instead he did not change, instead we moved in together and I began taking on wifely duties without a ring or appreciation in return. He became extremely abusive, not physically, but mentally. I left my job to work with his business, cooked, cleaned, pleased him in every way possible, and all I was ever told was how worthless I was, how much I needed to grow up, how I was not good enough for him. Funny thing is, I am extremely educated, driven, and I keep myself up. I am not disrespectful, in fact, I am very old fashioned…very much a lady. In the end he kicked me out of our home! Turned everything on me as if I was the criminal. I wasn’t even able to invite friends or family over without an argument. Now he is living his life with his evil ways, and I’m up 3:23 in the morning because I can no longer sleep. His tactic was to get into my head and he succeeded, unfortunately I still love him and want to come back. I’m not stupid and I know I need help, he is a destructive bad habit that needs to be broken. I am too young (twenties) to go through such a draining life experience.@Deborrah Cooper
GirlLostBlogMy suggestion is that you utilize your health care benefits and get some counseling immediately. You need to learn to love YOURSELF. It is impossible to love him because you don’t even know what love is girlfriend. You are clinging onto a hope and a dream of happiness where there is nothing but pain. Nothing you shared about this man and your relationship with him shows love – this was a sick, codependent pain fest that you CALLED love. Love is not supposed to hurt. Cruelty hurts. Meanness hurts. Hatred hurts. But love makes you feel good, happy, cared for, supported, appreciated, wonderful and on top of the world. Somewhere in your life you were not treated well by people that claimed to love you, so you go out and try to have relationships with men that do nothing but repeat those same negative, painful patterns.
Men never change. Whatever way they are when you meet them is how they will be. If anything they get worst as they get used to you and the relationship gets comfortable for them. So if someone is bad at the outset, its only going to go downhill.
Please take a look at the 40 Days of Rain on DBR Black Men series and read about the negative behaviors and games DBR men play with women’s minds. You need to arm yourself so you go out into the dating world smarter than you are right now. Do not try to date anyone until you have been in therapy for at least six months. You need a lot of help to heal yourself and until that happens, you are incapable of choosing a healthy partner.
http://www.askheartbeat.com/ahb2010/40-days-of-rain-on-dbr-black-men-index-of-posts/