When I’m Good, I’m Very Good…But When I’m Bad, I’m Even Better!

| 07/13/2009 | Comments (1)


If I hear one more boring woman tout her “goodness” while expressing disgust for baby’s mommas and hoochies, I am gonna scream. What you don’t understand Good Woman is that women at both ends of the spectrum are boring and tiresome to men. Yup, I’ve said it. You are BOTH boring. 

The baby’s mommas types focus too much on sex, music, television, rappers, clothes, bling, movie stars, crazy hairdos, and wild nails. When are you going to learn to pronounce words using every syllable? And why do you have to be all drawn on with 5 or 6 tats? Can you all read a book or newspaper sometimes so you have something intelligent to say? Intelligent men want their minds to be engaged in addition to their bodies, otherwise once they get you in bed they will get up and leave because you have absolutely nothing else to offer

Your experiences are limited and your world is embarrassingly small. Some of you have never traveled outside the city of your birth, and you’re okay with that.  And anything that you haven’t heard of before (the list is excruciatingly long), you condemn as “strange” and unworthy of your attention or investigation. Expand your mind! 

Men also like women that have lives, so if you have no hobbies or interests outside of work, men, breeding miscellaneous stray kids by miscellaneous stray fools, and television, you need to find something useful to do with yourself. Take a class in something creative, go back to school and get your degree, get your butt on a plane or train and see at least your State! 

Can you switch the television from Maury or Jerry for a minute and try watching CNN or at least The View for a change! You all tend to be angry at every man in the world and think it’s cute to tell people that you “will get an attitude” or “flash” on folks. Surprise! It’s not cute, not at all! Why don’t you flash the flames on that stove you never use except to heat your flat iron? Can you learn to cook nutritious meals that don’t involve hot dogs, white bread, ramen pasta, or something out of a jar or can?

If you are one of those chicks that think you have major game, and that you are a big time get over queen (’cause you got a man to buy your newest baby a bag of Pampers or take you out to dinner to Lyons), you really need to get a clue. Your aspirations are ridiculously low and your game is hella weak. Your ignorance is tiresome, and so are you.  

And you “good” women, you are not going to get away scot free!  You’re just as boring and make me just as sick as the first group. You go to church too much and end every sentence with “God Bless you!” Don’t you have access to vocabulary words that don’t come out of a scripture?

You are all holier than thou and look down your nose at women that know how to have a good time dancing, laughing at and telling dirty jokes, and enjoying the sensuality of their bodies with a few handsome, sexy men. You also find it shocking and distasteful that a woman would have male friends or hang out with her girls drinking martinis and talking just because she has a man in her life. They don’t want to be in the kitchen 24/7 or saddled with brats all day, and you should want more for yourself as well.  

Men of quality love women that have lives! Women that have no life outside of work, church and the kitchen tend to attract losers, which is the #1 reason you can’t find a “good” man that meets your needs. Stuffy and bourgeois, anything that you haven’t heard of or tried before, you condemn as “strange” and unworthy of your attention or investigation. You wear outfits from the Essence catalog and think you look sharp when you really don’t.  Really. 

You also think it impresses someone to act like you don’t have the faintest idea what porn, garter belts or oral sex is or how to enjoy those three.  The thought of walking around naked in front of your guy or taking a bath with him sends you into a tizzy. Your men usually cheat because you are not the slightest bit creative in bed, nor the least bit experimental.  Love is only gonna carry your relationship so far. Open your mind! Your goodness is tiresome and so are you.   

I may seem harsh, but I’m tired of hearing women whine about the men in their lives, and seeing harsh coldness towards men touted as “strength.”  

Change Your Position on the Scale of Womanhood 

Sadly, growing up without a father makes it a challenge for a young girl to define herself as a young lady, and therefore a woman. Opportunistic pedophiles will seize upon the opportunity to fill this void when there is no one around to tell a girl she is pretty, beautiful, to give her the first gift of jewelry, or to recognize her budding womanhood and femininity in a positive, supportive manner.

Statistics estimate that 1 in 4 girls will be sexually molested before the age of 18. Such activities permanently damage a girl’s ability to be accepting of herself as a woman. Parents, watch what your daughters do online.  Keep an eye out for suspicious behavior with your boyfriends, neighbors, male relatives and acquaintances.  No one is above reproach or suspicion. Do all you can to protect your daughter’s psyche from harm.  

Femininity is a delicate thing, a state of being, and it involves being comfortable with yourself as a female, acceptance of the changes the female body goes through, your estrogen laden thought processes and desires. It’s unfortunate that modern society has created the need for women to assume the role of both mother and father to legions of children. The assumption of this dual role has many women in conflict, and to them femininity is perceived as a liability. Women are thus downplaying or even shutting off their feminine side, choosing instead to become aggressive and competitive like men. 

Yet, a woman can be strong AND feminine, smart and sexy, innocent and wise, goofy and intelligent, confident and cuddly – all at the same time! However, a few changes in outlook are in order: 

Plane tickets and books are expensive to purchase, and perhaps in this economy you just don’t have the disposable income. No problem!  There are things called “libraries” all over the world, each containing hundreds of thousands if not millions of books. Take your children with you and everyone in the family sign up for a library card.  Expose your children and yourself to the classics, Asian or Black or Latin literature that you didn’t read in school, travel books, mysteries and science fiction. Discuss the books you’ve read together! A weekly trip to the library as a family costs bus fare or a little gas, but it pays huge dividends in bonding, improved reading skills, and creates an enjoyment and appreciation of something besides television and video games. 

If you always go to nightclubs, check out the coffee shop poetry night next week. Get a seat, order your drink, and enjoy the show! Be friendly and get that stern disapproving look off your face. If you see a guy that catches your eye smile at and speak to him! You don’t have to assess him for husband qualities quite yet. Just spark up conversation about the place and let him know you’re new on the scene. If he is interested he will do the rest. 

Sex is important to men, but affection matters just as much. So many wonderful men (even those that are in long-term relationships or married) are touch-starved. Men take notice of you pulling a piece of lint off his jacket, kissing him on the cheek, tenderly rubbing his face, or taking his arm or hand. Learn how to flirt, even if it’s in a goofy way, because guys enjoy goofy women that can make them laugh. Learn to tell a good joke or two! Goofy animated girls mean fun times, and such women are never boring to guys.

Don’t be so damn timid either – speak up! If you want sex with your man, give him the signal in a sexy feminine way and stop waiting for HIM to do all the work. Men want to feel desired too. Don’t be afraid of your own femininity – use it! Femininity is the biggest gift you have in the dating and relationship game, especially combined with intelligence and an open, inquisitive mind.

Smart and sexy is always a winning combination with a guy. So get smart if you are in Group 1; stop waving that hoochie flag all high and proud, and get rid of the attitude. Let a man see that he won’t be embarrassed if he takes you out to hang out with his coworkers.  If you are in Group 2, embrace sexy and stop wasting time touting your goodness like a medal. Goodness ain’t curled a man’s toes yet that I know of.

Good girls go to heaven I suppose, but all that angel food cake and harp singing sounds pretty boring. I’d rather be like Mae West “between two evils, I go for the one I never tried before!”

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder, Women's Issues

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  1. Rose M. says:

    This was a good read and laugh out loud funny. I am sure you’re going to hear from women defending each side the fence.

    Also, I would love to see an article addressing a marriage where the mother or the woman is the more dominant personality. For example, the man is the more nurturing, passive laid-back personality, who rarely disciplined the children and although affirmed he the children in some senses, he wasn’t the type of father who would necessarily tell the daughters they were princesses. Instead he taught them how to change their own oil, take care of their cars and be independent in general. How does the woman, who is a product of that type of environment approach relationships, in your or even Alvin’s opinion?

    Furthermore, I guess my question, although there was a man in the home while she was growing up he was fairly passive in some regards or parenting of the children such as discipline, will that affect the way a woman will respect the men she dates in the future? Should it have any bearings at all? And finally, is a passive man necessarily a weak or bitch made man or is passive even the wrong word to use in this type of situation. Just curious.

    Rose M.

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