How Can I Know if He is Just Using Me for Sex?

| 10/12/2010 | Comments (2)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
He’s so scared of commitment and I’m sick of being hurt because we’re not together. I really can’t move on. I feel like I need an explanation. I was sure he loved me then he dumped me and got a girlfriend. It’s been a year and I never moved on. He’s not letting me move on. He calls and explains how hard it is for him to live without me and I believe him and take him back then he cheats on me. This has happened four times. I think that he just feels like he wants me for sex not love. How can I know if he’s using me for sex?

Signed,
The Victim

Dear Victim:
You are SUCH a drama queen… sitting here wallowing in self-pity and trying to play the victim role when you put yourself (and KEEP putting yourself) down on the floor to be walked on like a rug. Tsk tsk.

You don’t need an explanation; you need your butt kicked! Over and over again until you get a clue. This man does not want you! That is why HE DUMPED YOU. That is why he has a GIRLFRIEND and the girlfriend is not you. What he knows is that you are weak minded and desperate, so you listen to any crap he says as long as the word “love” is mixed in there somewhere. Then you jump into bed with him and expect a relationship to materialize out of thin air once you get up from the mattress.

I don’t know how many times you have to get your head bumped before you understand that cement hurts. Refusing to take any of his calls in the future would be a good start. Getting it into your head that you are being a fool and not letting YOURSELF move on would be the next thing to do. YOU are the only person responsible for your thoughts feelings and actions… no one else. So that means you are CHOOSING to stick around and allow yourself to be used for his sexual pleasure. It is a choice you are making… no one is doing anything TO you that you don’t want them to do.

Surely you don’t think a man that thinks you are stupid and fall for nothing game could ever respect you or want you for his woman! Men want women they feel are strong and admirable and that believe they have VALUE. You don’t believe that about yourself and so you allow others to treat you in this way.

I strongly suggest that you get yourself into counseling. You need help understanding and eliminating these self-destructive patterns and in rebuilding your self-esteem.


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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Dating Advice

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Comments (2)

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  1. Danta' says:

    I’m just shooting in the Dark here, But the best way to know if a Man is using you for sex,

    Ask him. and he will tell you.

    • You are so far in the dark that you are in a cave! Dude, if someone is using you, they are not going to TELL YOU that they are using you!! Being honest about being a pussy hound scallywag defeats the entire purpose of PRETENDING to be someone the woman would have long-term. So men lie, pretend to feel more than they feel, and perpetrate a fraud with a woman’s heart and mind, just to get some free pussy

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