How the Black Church Destroyed My Marriage and My Life

| 08/08/2012 | Comments (17)


“So what, that you don’t drink or smoke, or do drugs, or cheat on me, nor hit me, nor lie to me, or steal from me! What good are you..if you won’t do..what I want you to do.?”

I rose from my seat stepped to her face to face and calmly replied softly:” Okay, Sweetheart, exactly what is it that you would have me to do?” Her reply?” Total silence. Then if she had answered that her true agenda would have been revealed.

So we remained separated and eventually got divorced . I literally exhausted every kind act of love and forgiveness I could think of. She never responded to any acts of love, kindness and forgiveness.

After we were divorced she came by and had a talk with me. She said “Well baby, we shared love and we had “irreconcilable differences”. I said softly again..”Okay. Such as? Have I ever lied to you?” She said “No.” I then asked “Have I ever hit you?” She said “No.” I asked even further “Have I ever cheated on you?” She replied once again “No”. I continued to ask her ‘Have you ever known me to do or sell drugs of any kind?” She said “No”..I asked her “Have I ever stolen anything from you?” She said “No”. I asked her have you ever seen or known me to be an alcoholic?” (which every one says her previous man before me of 20 years was… she told me that too), etc. All replies were “No”.

I said “Sweetheart that is about 95% of what couples argue, fuss and fight over, and get divorced over. I have not done any of those things to you. We haven’t gone through any of that. So let me ask you again: “We’re divorced for what reason?”

Again, total silence.

She asked me “Okay, then why do you think we’re divorced?” I said “I honestly think that you are Bi-Polar, and you have a multiple personality disorder. I think that you should go get checked out in fact. Why don’t we go just to prove me wrong?”

She asked me: “What proof do you have that I am Bi-Polar?” I said “How about actions that absolutely look like that they are coming from two different people, that are all done by you. I’ve done absolutely nothing to you, but love you and be the absolute best man that i have ever been to you, yet we’re divorced.”

She said ” Well I don’t think that I am, I know I’m not” I dropped my head and said: “That is one of the conditions that comes along with a bi-polar person, constant denial for they can’t see themselves and their condition, yet they almost have no friends and and even family avoid them. You have all of these symptoms going on. I said your own children won’t have anything to do with you unless they are getting money from you.” Yet again, total silence from her.

A few days after this she returned to my house, asked me to step outside. We went for a short walk and she held my hands, cried. Looked me in the face and said “Baby, I know that i am broken..but I don’t know how to fix me.” I told her as I hugged her “Sweetheart, I will go with you together. It’s okay.”

The bottom line?  I found out that she completely acts like a person that is bi-polar, and has multiple personalities. I noticed this the first week she moved I knew something was wrong with her, but I didn’t know what it was. She was burying herself in church to try and hide, cope, fix her mental illness. She doesn’t need another sermon, she needs professional mental help.

This is why Church was so important to her. When I suggested that she go see a doctor to be tested because her actions were so “love you/hate you”, I would watch her change personalities going from one room to the next, arguments out of nowhere. I tried to be supportive. I tried to encourage her to get help. She figured to fix what was wrong with her, that she would get rid of the only person that was honest enough to identify that something was truly wrong with her behavior and she should get some help (which was me), and that I would go with her to support her.

I knew something was wrong with her that she couldn’t help or ask for. So dumping me…for spotting that out in her was her solution as she continues to go untreated, undiagnosed. Thank God, not my problem anymore for I honestly tried. Further she dumped me because I wouldn’t go to church with her. Her going to church was like putting a Band-Aid on a huge shotgun wound. It wasn’t helping her at all — she was just getting worse, and worse.

I never told her that she should stop going to church, and I tried to be supportive. I helped her with church functions, etc. I was doing my best at trying to respect her wishes in that she has a right to serve God in any way that she chooses.

I tried to tell her, “Woman, my relationship with God? Is really not your place to dictate or decide for me. If you go by that very same book that you claim that you believe in, you will find that you are out of order.”

I said “the best evidence of the God in me is my love, forgiveness and how well I treat matter how ill you are acting towards me and my sons. I don’t mistreat you and be mean to you and your children the way that you are to me and my children. In every instance I choose peace and love with you, not war.”

The summary for me is this: A woman came at me claiming to be this awesome “Angel” and “woman of God.” Yet she was an absolute horror story in the name of God and it left me devastated because I was attacked in the name of God. I felt that God wasn’t there to protect me from what she was doing to me and my family. This was an educational experience that altered my view for the better, my understanding of and true relationship with the Creator Of All Things, and how The Creator Of All Things interacts with us.

So I said to her the last time I saw her..”Ok, let me get this married me to stop fornicating which is what we were doing…according to you and how upset you were AFTER THE ACT…never BEFORE the acts…yet you marry me only to mistreat me in the name of God in the arena of “Holy Matrimony” which was the perfect opportunity for you to display all those wonderful things that the Bible teaches you about how to treat one another, yet you chose to do the worst that you can do? Now three years later you say that “God…has blessed you with a “new man” that you are happy with, that everyone says has a very bad reputation of beating women to death?”

So I asked “Sweetheart how does this work.? You ask God for a good man..he sends you one in me “by your own words”…you crush him and destroy him for no reason at all, yet God blesses you with a new one? “Not sure how that works Sweetheart.”…I said to her.

Um yeah ok…Now? When approached by women that seem to be in the church real heavily? Sometimes I walk away from them while they are still talking and trying to introduce themselves. I know one should not condemn all for the actions of a few..but it was so devastating in how can something seem to be so right…done the right way…end up being so absolutely insane.? So she basically said that the man before me said to her when she left him..” what are you going to do…find a man that will go to church with you? She said she replied “Yes!”… TADA!!!! Almost a year and a half later..she chose me and my heart just to try and prove him wrong… She never loved me.

The Illuminati controls Churches, they use churches to control women, they then try to use women to control the men.

They often tell women that they should try and find a man that is like “Christ”…first of all..even if Christ was actually who they say he is? We’re “mortal men” not “Gods” in that sense. Therefore they are looking for perfect men that are patterned after what they think is a Christ-like man….

The biggest problem I made in hindsight? Was compromising what I knew to be the truth for me to try and satisfy another human being, because in doing that? Her demanding that of me was an absolute denial of who I am as an individual, yet I was trying to be supportive of her and her beliefs. I merely asked for that very same “mutual respect”. No, I got thrown under the bus for not serving God the way that she wants me to. When we had initially met? I told her the problem that I have with religions is that far too often it divides people. Here we are…divorced now in 2 and a half years of marriage for she totally proved me right.

The other mental issues withstanding and her refusing to get help, this was actually a good thing because it “freed” me from her insanity. The funniest thing about that Bi-polar condition of hers? It never seems to show up on her jobs where it causes a problem. So I guess her actions of meanness toward me and my sons probably was deliberate after all. Which more than the mental issue, the issue probably was , me not going to church with her.

That is what I went through. I am still “shaken” by it. What comes at you posing as an angel of light..but attacks you in a manner that tries to destroy that very love that you have for them and for God? Demons do that. Representatives of evil do that sort of thing. She gave me an absolute transfer of hatred that I am doing my best not to let consume me. You have my permission to post my letter… sunlight is the best disinfectant. 

Again this experience literally almost killed me, literally almost killed my capacity to ever love and trust again, but I refuse to let that happen. The best part of it is ..I never retaliated to her with anything physically harmful to her at all. Yes I was upset and I told her about herself, but I never went at her with the foul things that she was doing to me. I honestly tried to be loving and forgiving. She was the worst. For every high moment that I ever had for her with her, she made sure that she did everything that she could do to destroy that by showing me the worst of her. 

We got married on June 26, 2005 and were separated on December 3rd, 2007 the day she moved out. We tried to reconcile all the way until about March or June of 2008. We then got a divorce that she filed for on March 28, 2009. It’s now August 7, 2012 and I am still crushed by and suffer from nightmares about it several times a week. Not scary nightmares…nightmares of the happy times that we did share that are now just an illusion.

I try not to think about what I went through but my subconscious is trying to remind me of it. It disappoints me every time I have a dream like that because I want so bad to be over it. Every time it happens I awaken with the freshness of a broken heart…it is extremely painful even though I know It happened years ago. Often I wake up to the reality that she is not here, and that I did make it through…but the lies and performance she gave to get me to fall in love with her? My heart fell for it hook line and sinker. Often I wake up and I sit on the side of the bed with my face in my hands and cry for an hour or more and the whole day that day isn’t a good one for me. 

I didn’t ask for this, yet this is what I got for trying to be the best man that I could be. This is what I got for simply trying to be loving and trying to do it the right way by picking and accepting a church going woman. I don’t think I’ll ever be in another relationship again. It hurts too bad to try. If I have to be in a relationship for the woman to bring out the worst in me? No thank you I’d rather remain single. 



The exciting new book The Black Church – Where Women Pray and Men Prey contains dozens of real-life stories of sexual abuse by Pastors, Ministers, Bishops, and church members, along with astute observations about the games being run on women in Black churches across the nation. Based on the shocking 2010 blog post The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely! author Deborrah Cooper continues an uncomfortable examination of Christian religion in the black community, non-biblical Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu.tenets of the prosperity gospel, and the games played by unscrupulous black preachers. It’s a page turner, but not everyone will have the stomach for it. Some women are afraid of what they might find when they pull back the curtain, and aren’t willing to question their blind faith in the men of their church. Neither are some able to understand that they must stop worshiping their pastors because these men are NOT God. However, for those women brave enough to question their religious leaders, willing to take a look at what is going on at their churches, and strong enough to demand protection from predatory men for women and children within the walls of the House of God, this book is right on time.

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Comments (17)

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  1. gralan02 says:

    The Black church was not founded by black people. It directives are not and have never been in the interest
    of blackpeople-although were have been fooled into believing so. It has been continuelly throws in our faces
    generation after generation and the same problems have prevailed in every generation. It is a failed policy
    that no one wants to admit to. “The slave master never gives his slaves anything of value-only that which
    the slave in subjugated physically or mentally,forever.”

    This blackwomen is the result of false religious upbring and a lack of culture-both of which the slave master
    promotes and supports.

  2. Goodness says:

    See, this is why you don’t try to pretend to be someone you are not to try and get someone to love you. I’m not a religious person and never will be. If I were I would lean more on the Pagan side than anything else. But in the end I believe in myself. Religious people are just crazy and the most hate filled people you can encounter. I’m not saying it’s the guy’s fault for pretending, but because he wasn’t true to himself from the start he brought some nutty bible thumping freak into his life. I hope everything is going well for him now.

  3. MaryAliceMiller says:

    Interesting that this guy has no issues himself. Yet, he can diagnose, all by himself, that his ex-wife had mental illness. Of course, he is perfect. Riiiight.

    • topaz627 says:

      MaryAliceMiller so what he went through is basically BS? something obviously was wrong with her so why make it seem like he did something to bring it on himself? god people like you piss me off. always want to blame the victim and act as if they’re crazy when you got it twisted.

      • MaryAliceMiller says:

        @topaz627: WTF are you talking about? He needs to check HIMSELF. He CHOSE her. Step with that BS. OK? 

        • topaz627 says:

          MaryAliceMiller  so basically he should have known she was going to act like that? how would you know? FYI you can’t. nobody acts like that when you get into a relationship, it pops out later. i doubt she was acting like that before he married her. and no I’m not gonna step make an REAL agruement. stop blaming him like you know the situation you’re on the outside looking in.

        • topaz627 says:

          um no actually try to have a real argument besides the tired old”they chose them so they must’ve known they’d act like that so obviously they deserve it” crap used on abuse victims all  the time.  sure like everyone acts so obviously off when you date them. Even though at the least he should’ve checked to see if that is too much a deal-breaker for her, nobody expects someone to act that crazy and vengeful because they don’t go to church with you. If that doesn’t show psychological issues, what does?

        • MaryAliceMiller says:

          topaz627 Yeah. And you know for a fact that hubby dear is a perfect angel with absolutely no faults of his own. Even though this post is from his side only. Riiiight. Get real. 

        • Razzy says:

          MaryAliceMiller topaz627 From my anecdotal observations crazy usually gravitates towards crazy and they both feed off the other… That dude must have been getting something out of being with that woman, otherwise why would he continue to stay and be abused by her over and over?  What was in it for him?  Something about her, was fulfilling a ‘need’ in him because he put up with her for so long even though she was driving him crazy with her (according to his side of the story) mental issues.  

        • topaz627 says:

          MaryAliceMiller topaz627  the issue is you are so caught up on wh whether or not the guy was”innocent” which doesn’t matter. What matters is the fact you keep dismissing as if you’re opinion of the situation is be all end all. No sympathy, only deserving it right? So you’re saying if this was a girl, you’d say the exact same shit? This woman probably is crazy so what would hearing her side of the story prove excatly?

        • topaz627 says:

          Razzy MaryAliceMiller topaz627  That I do agree. I’ve seen that play out in real life or he said some serious self-esteem issues.

        • MaryAliceMiller says:

          topaz627 I wish I could block you. I don’t know why every two week you comment your foolishness. It is obvious that this man is only focused on the wife HE CHOSE without looking at the part he played in the situation. You are saying she is “probably” crazy based on what he said? Are you her psychiatrist? No. You don’t even know the woman, or the man complaining about her. Cut the crap. No one is perfect… including this self-righteous husband. Get a life, then you won’t have to focus on him or her. 

        • topaz627 says:

          @MaryAliceMiller funny thing is you say I’m obsessed yet keep commenting yourself. This is how it works on threads like this, it’s not stalking. I have a life, why don’t you learn how to handle someone disagreeing with you. last I checked you don’t know either of them too, so to claim how bad of a person he is based off of this story is ridiculous. The part he did play was ignoring the signs of a troubled individual and maybe self-esteem issues. She hid her behavior by being a saved christian girl so her craziness was dismissed. That’s common in the black community. Well if she isn’t crazy then what is the girl, normal? is that normal behavior to exhibit over not sharing the same devotion to going to church? Or to act that way towards your kids?  Do you have an answer for that or are you gonna deflect some more?

        • MaryAliceMiller says:

          topaz627 You really should get a life… or some therapy. You certainly need it.

        • topaz627 says:

          MaryAliceMiller  hah aha grow up. the one who needs professional help is the one who claims what you do. Since nobody’s perfect, by your rationalizations everyone deserves to be treated like shit and abused in a relationship. try harder please besides “you need a life or therapy.”

  4. Razzy says:

    I’ve long come to the conclusion that the more a woman or man bible thumps, the more pious, devout he or she is, the more crazier they truly are. They are using religion as a crutch when they really should be seeking professional psychological therapy/counseling for their mental disturbance.

    The black community has a long history of not recognizing mental illness and using religion as a bandage to treat it. Clergy men are not qualified therapist and you can’t pray/bible thump away your mental illness.  Just as one would see a doctor for ailments that afflict the body, one should seek the proper trained medical people for ailments that afflict the mind and religion/preachers ‘ain’t the ones.  If anything that just exacerbate an already mentally disturbed person’s issues.

    Most people who are devoutly religion often times are hiding troubled lives, or have lived some messed up lives or they have issues best served by seeking the proper professional medical personnel.  

    • TiffanyRodkell says:

      Razzy Have a group on facebook called Touch My Heart Instead-Church Hurt, I welcome you to join…

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