I know I should leave, but…

| 03/16/2011 | Comments (5)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I have been dating a man with a girlfriend for almost a year. He said he needed to make sure that the relationship he was leaving her for had the potential to be long-term. We have been working on it for awhile and still nothing.

Every time I bring it up, it turns into a fight. I am growing tired and frustrated of being the other woman. I know I should leave, but I care for him so much I don’t know how.

Thanks for anything you have to share.

The Third Wheel

Dear Third Wheel:
Girl, I read this letter in disbelief.  I can’t even be mad at dude because in this situation, he threw out “ho bait” and you swallowed it – bait, hook, line, and sinker.  So in this case, you played and continue to play YOURSELF.

See, you got set up in a classic “fight over him” competition. Two silly woman are trying to out freak, out fuck, out cook, and out love some knucklehead, with the goal of getting him to pick you over the other chick.  But you had a choice here, honey. You didn’t have to go down this road.

When he told you that he had a girlfriend, that was your signal to back up and leave him alone. But that isn’t what you did. You chose to go into a situation knowing that you were nothing but some ass to him. You were nothing but extracurricular ass THEN, and you are nothing but extracurricular ass NOW.

He will continue holding out the carrot of a committed relationship and playing this mind game with you for as long as you allow it. He has no incentive to stop, since he is getting what he wants from both of you and possibly a third woman as well. He doesn’t mind if you two fight about it every so often, because even though you talk a lot of shit to him, you don’t go anywhere. There are no repercussions for his behavior.  It’s very much to his benefit for you to care for him so much you don’t know how to leave, while he cares about no one but himself.

How could you even wrap your mind around wanting someone like this? Wouldn’t you be worried that even if you were the girlfriend, that he would be screwing around on you — playing the same game with some other woman? Risking your health or even your life with his creeping sexual dalliances with one broad after another while he sleeps with you every night?

I suggest you immediately stop wasting your time and energy trying to “get” this guy. Think about what you want in life and in a relationship for yourself, and understand that you don’t have it here and never will.  You can certainly get everything you want (love, commitment, passion, a husband), but you are not going to get it from HIM.

Once you reach that level of understanding and acceptance, and decide to place more value  on yourself and your body, it will be easy to leave this joke behind.  Especially since no one is laughing.

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Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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Comments (5)

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  1. SilentBro says:

    So sad that this woman would waste her precious love, time and energy with this type of male species (not a man)

  2. Rose Marie says:

    Great advice, Deb.

  3. Raz says:

    The last part of the article says no one is laughing. That dude is laughing, he’s laughing to himself about how silly these women are and how easy it is to play them. He’s getting the last laugh and the joke’s on her.

    I really will be glad when women will value themselves more and stop settling for trifling behavior from low down men who run game on them like this.

    Women need to stop being so desperate for a relationship that they settle for some ‘sometimey sex’ as a substitute and think that will hold them over until they get a real relationship. Nope, what they settle for NOW is what they’ll end up with LATER. You can’t put a real relationship on ‘layaway’ by dealing with trifling behavior in the hopes that it will one day change on it’s own magically transforming into the relationship of your dream. WAKE UP!

  4. Kay says:

    Wow, women lose their mind over sex. That’s all she has a sexship, they’re not even dating’. He must be putting it down good to run game on her like that. Good sex is a powerful drug. Good sex will keep a woman connected to a bad male like crack will keep a person hooked on the pipe. Ladies, put down the dyck, just say no and walk away.

  5. LMH says:

    Wow! Women with low self-esteem never cease to amaze! Who the heck wants to audition for “girlfriend” status with a cheater? I hope “Third Wheel” listens to your sage advice and starts to care for herself more than she cares for some loser.

    Still laughing at “ho bait”.

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