If You Didn’t Provide it For Yourself, It’s Not SELF Esteem!
It’s always been fascinating that so many men have such a hard time with women like me. I don’t want to use that tired phrase and claim that men are intimidated – instead, I would prefer to say that many of the males I’ve come across don’t feel as confident of themselves and their manhood as they would like to, and find a woman like me to be too much of a reminder of their lacking.
How is that for being diplomatic!?
I’ve found that the one issue that causes the most conflict is the one of need. I was told as a young girl that men need to feel needed. I’ve never understood such a statement. I make MYSELF happy – I do not NEED a man to do that FOR me. I make myself feel confident, secure and positive – I do not NEED anyone else to do that FOR me.
I am happy right here right now by myself pecking on my computer and dreaming of the legacy I will leave behind when I die. I am also happy when I am in love with someone, and I am equally happy if same said person is not here due to travel or choice. I am happy when I succeed and win, and I am happy when I fall short of my goals. I see both as necessary life lessons and any disappointment just one more rung in the ladder to my ultimate success.
I am me 24/7/365… happy, satisfied with myself, confident about who and what I am, accomplished and highly intelligent. I am not made MORE because of an affiliation with anyone, including a boyfriend or husband. I don’t feel that I am LESS in any way because someone I care about doesn’t care the same way about me.
Interestingly enough, I recently had an exchange with a fella that informed me that men get their confidence from success with women. His observations were that a man that failed frequently with females would be lacking confidence and that is why player types of guys seemed so confident about themselves. Likewise, shallow, insecure men achieve a sense of power based on the woman on their arm – her beauty is something he can point to with pride and enjoy the envious glances of other shallow, insecure men.
Women are just as bad… especially those with a particular look that men chase after. On the surface these females appear to be confident and beautiful, with their many admirers fawning over and chasing after them. But unless there is someone fawning over them and making them feel desired, these women look and feel lost, depressed, and confused.
Though I could understand his point, I believe any such “confidence” a male would feel is merely smoke and mirrors and very fragile. After all, if you are so insecure about yourself that you depend on others to define you as good and worthy, that means they own your sense of who you are! Without them, you are nothing. And just like they gave you “confidence” in yourself with their praise or accolades, you are also giving them the power to make you feel like a stupid, ugly, loser should they take their praise away. That means you have no self-esteem, your shaky sense of who you are is based entirely on the whims of other people. This also means that your feelings about yourself could change 20 different times per day, simply because the person in your face did or did not like you.
Dad told us kids “ya come into this world alone, and you leave it the same way.”
PDF Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
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I hope to reach even 40% of your confidence one day, Ms. Cooper. After 8 years without so much as a date, I am about ready to settle for any man who doesn’t pose a physical threat. Disgusting, I know. But I am a size 10 in a 0-6 land and, though I AM dieting and exercising and very healthy medically, I am constantly overlooked while guys ask me for my “cute” friends’ numbers.
Anyway, that’s my problem and no one else’s.
Thanks for inspiring me to try and find some self-created happiness.
Girl, we need to talk. Try to find me on the MEEBO one day. I usually hang out here and make myself available at least 2 hours per day.
The author makes an excellent point. Maybe this is why men take rejection so hard. They stake their confidence on whether a woman likes them or not so if they take a chance and approach a woman and she turns them down, for a guy that’s a death blow.
They take it so personally because they base ‘who’ they are on whether a woman likes them or not.
I think this hinders guys from approaching women because they are so afraid of rejection. For a guy saying no, to a dance, or a date to him means you are saying no to his manhood to who he is as a man. That’s a tough pill for men to swallow.
I co-sign on this article. 98% of the men mistakes I’ve made is because I was searching for that giddy man caused “happiness” instead of a stable self brought one.
great advice, I think its a process to get to where you are @ right now. I’m somewhere in between, because I let family get to me more than they should. Thanks for this amazing piece of wisdom, I’ll read it whenever I want to remind myself to continue on to my chosen path.