It’s always been fascinating that so many men have such a hard time with women like me. I don’t want to use that tired phrase and claim that men are intimidated – instead, I would prefer to say that many of the males I’ve come across don’t feel as confident of themselves and their manhood as they would like to, and find a woman like me to be too much of a reminder of their lacking.
I’ve found that the one issue that causes the most conflict is the one of need. I was told as a young girl that men need to feel needed. I’ve never understood such a statement. I make MYSELF happy – I do not NEED a man to do that FOR me. I make myself feel confident, secure and positive – I do not NEED anyone else to do that FOR me.
I am happy right here right now by myself pecking on my computer and dreaming of the legacy I will leave behind when I die. I am also happy when I am in love with someone, and I am equally happy if same said person is not here due to travel or choice. I am happy when I succeed and win, and I am happy when I fall short of my goals. I see both as necessary life lessons and any disappointment just one more rung in the ladder to my ultimate success.
I am me 24/7/365… happy, satisfied with myself, confident about who and what I am, accomplished and highly intelligent. I am not made MORE because of an affiliation with anyone, including a boyfriend or husband. I don’t feel that I am LESS in any way because someone I care about doesn’t care the same way about me.
Interestingly enough, I recently had an exchange with a fella that informed me that men get their confidence from success with women. His observations were that a man that failed frequently with females would be lacking confidence and that is why player types of guys seemed so confident about themselves. Likewise, shallow, insecure men achieve a sense of power based on the woman on their arm – her beauty is something he can point to with pride and enjoy the envious glances of other shallow, insecure men.
Women are just as bad… especially those with a particular look that men chase after. On the surface these females appear to be confident and beautiful, with their many admirers fawning over and chasing after them. But unless there is someone fawning over them and making them feel desired, these women look and feel lost, depressed, and confused.
Though I could understand his point, I believe any such “confidence” a male would feel is merely a smoke and mirrors trick. After all, if you are so insecure about yourself that you depend on others to define you as good and worthy, that means they own your sense of who you are! Without them, you are nothing.
And just like they gave you “confidence” in yourself with their praise or accolades, you are also giving them the power to make you feel like a stupid, ugly, loser should they take their praise away.
That means you have no self-esteem, your shaky sense of who you are is based entirely on the whims of other people. This also means that your feelings about yourself could change 20 different times per day, simply because the person in your face did or did not like you.
Dad told us kids “ya come into this world alone, and you leave it the same way.”
Don’t get me wrong though! Having a really great guy in your life that tries hard to be a better man can bring a woman a lot of joy. A great man can create in his woman a desire for his touch, his voice, his energy, his passion and bring her immense fulfillment when she gets those things from him. But he cannot MAKE her happy… she has to be that herself.
It is no one’s responsibility to MAKE us happy but our own. I believe that and I live it. And because I believe it and live it, I am not a miserable, lonely single woman, desperately bending myself into a pretzel to gain any man’s approval.
There is no room in my life for a man that doesn’t congratulate and appreciate but instead tries to negate and deprecate. Sadly, it seems that isn’t the case with most women. They will instead allow themselves to get sucked into the game and do all they can to discount their achievements and successes so that some non-performing chump can feel better about himself… more of a “man!”
Less confident men can’t stand me, and do and say things to try to bring me down a peg or two and damage my self-esteem to gain the upper hand. It doesn’t work! Never has, never will. Let me give you a couple of specific examples of recent attempts.
Some years ago I was interviewed for Black Enterprise magazine about my web development work. They printed a four page spread on myself and 2 other web entrepreneurs regarding our websites.
A guy I was going out with saw the article or heard about it. Not sure how because I didn’t tell him. But he came over for dinner and right in the middle of it said “you think you are alla that cause you in Black Enterprise!“
Now I was pouring wine at the time and missed the facial expressions that went along with that utterance, so I didn’t know if he was joking or not – until I looked up. I needed to see his face to put the words and body language together to fully understand his intended message. That’s when I saw the curled lip snarl and anger in his eyes.
So I calmly told him “no, I don’t think I’m alla that, but obviously YOU do!” Dinner was full of strained silences. I broke things off after that.
In another instance I’d enrolled in a weight loss and body fat competition at my gym. I was excited because there were huge cash prizes and opportunities to win in 5 different categories. I figured I had a good chance to get SOMETHING out of the deal!
Not long before I’d met a guy that was a prize winning body builder in Puerto Rico. We went out 2 or 3 times… can’t remember exactly. He was FIONE too. On our last date I was talking about the contest and excitedly sharing how badly I wanted to win. It would have been nice to have him step up to the plate to support me, perhaps sharing some of his experience and tips for success. I figured if he was really about ME, he would have been encouraging and smiling.
Instead he told me how I had to prepare myself because I was not going to win! Did you get that? Instead of supporting me and telling me how he could share tips from his prize-winning body building career, or how he could work out with me a few times to provide an extra push towards successful achievement of my goal, he condemned me to failure. He got NEXTED as well.
When he didn’t study for his exams in college and got a “D”, but somehow it was the professor’s fault for giving him a bad grade. If he waited until the last minute to produce a research or term paper, and threw together some hodge podge hot mess to turn in and got less than an “A”, somehow it was everyone else’s fault.
Then, when he got fired from his job for showing up late one time too many, it was his bosses fault for not being understanding and being a tight ass.
Then the finger of blame was pointed at me.
One night he shouted “you MAKE ME feel bad about myself because you do everything perfectly and always get what you want!” I told him that it wasn’t my fault that he was not focused on getting what he wanted out of life, nor that he refused to take responsibility for his lack of positive action.
Sigh. That budding relationship ended as well.
Ladies, tolerating such behavior from men is a quick path to low self esteem and the very last thing you should EVER do.
(continued on page 2 below)
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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder