If Your Girlfriend is Married or Has a Man, You Better Watch What You Tell Her

| 05/29/2011 | Comments (26)

Some years ago I received a letter seeking my advice on a situation involving her best friend. The writer was highly distressed because her best friend had slapped the fuck out of her husband at a party. She was angry at the friend for doing so and wanted my advice on how to handle the situation. Here is the full, unedited version of the letter:

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I married one year ago after dating my now husband for five years. We’ve been through a lot but hung in there and are very close. I consider him to be my best friend and tell him everything. The problem I am having is that my girlfriend of 15+ years was present at the wedding and seemed to be happy for me, but there have been two occasions that make me doubt this. Recently my husband and I went to a party. My girlfriend was drunk as usual, and after a conversation with my husband she decided to slap him. After many arguments between him and me about it, I finally decided to ask her why she slapped him. She blew me off which led to us not speaking to each other for the past few weeks. I want to slap her in the worse way for blowing me off and slapping my man. What should I do?

Signed,
Bit by the Love Bug

Dear Love Bug:
You took a far different approach than I would have. I would have whisked my friend away to the ladies room and asked her FIRST why she slapped him and what was said that got her so upset before I ever said a word to him. I wonder why you automatically assumed she was in the wrong and that she did something inappropriate. Women, even when tipsy, don’t go around slapping men for no reason – out of fear of getting hit back, if nothing else.

Let’s look at a possibility you seem to have ignored. What if your man said something he had no business saying to her or touched your friend inappropriately, and she tore his ass up with a good old-fashioned slap? Since you didn’t come to her to ask what happened, she was very hurt. But she loves you and would rather do ANYTHING than hurt your feelings and break your heart by telling you about your trifling man. Could that be why she didn’t tell you what he did or said, and chose to just go quietly away to leave you to your marriage?

The fact that you “tell your man everything” is a problem. I know for a fact that when women do that, they tell not only their business, but the business of their friends as well. With you having a best friend for 15+ years, it means you know a lot about her – her relationships, troubles, family, sex life, finances and everything else. Think about how much information you shared with your “man” about your best friend and how you set him up to be curious about her.

No matter what, you need to keep your hands to yourself. Your husband is a big boy and doesn’t need you to run around behind him slapping folks! Likewise, your friend of 15 years obviously has a good reason for staying away from you and that very strange husband of yours. I’d be investigating what “my man” did to run my long-time friend off, instead of being angry at her for leaving.

 

I included the letter above in this article as it provides a real life example of the phenomenon I am going to discuss in this article – women that tell other women’s business to men.  The letter above was submitted to the Ask Ms. HeartBeat advice column some years ago.  More recently, a male wanted to know if it was “sexist” for women to share more about their thoughts and feelings with other women than they do with men. Sexist? The concept that women could be “sexist” against men in any way was laughable and demonstrated that the male in question had no concept of the definition of sexism. 

I explained to him that men do not listen to women at all. Men barely even listen to each other! Every man I’ve ever met thinks his thoughts are special and unique and that he is always right. Men interrupt and talk over each other constantly, and when in a group there is little to no real communication or sharing of ideas going on.

Instead, each is asserting his opinion as proven fact, and doing all he can to show the other men flatly and completely that they are wrong and he is right.

This same attitude of domination and rightness exists when men communicate with women. Men tend to be very condemning and judgmental when it comes to what women “should” or “should not” do say wear or be. When a woman tries to explain a situation to a man, most respond with criticism pointing out what she did wrong and how he would have done it a different way and his way is the right and only way.

What woman in her right mind would seek a man’s confidence knowing these facts? Women that understand the male mind instead talk to their close female friends and leave men out of the equation until absolutely necessary.

That is how it should be.

However, no woman should ever trust another women that tells her men or children every damn thing about other people’s affairs. Especially if said woman is married or in a relationship and they are telling their man any of YOUR personal business.

Such a beyotch is real suspect, and I suggest that you immediately cut her off. You can certainly be friendly in a casual acquaintance sort of way, but any personal information about your activities, sex life or vulnerabilities should not be shared with her. No woman’s husband or boyfriend should know what you do or any of your troubles.

Next thing you know he will be trying to tip over to your house trying to help you “solve” your problems. Or he will set you up with one of his “buddies” so he can live vicariously through him and hear stories about sex with you, and how your body feels, or he will set up his broke friend to take you for your money and other assets. And it will be your friend’s fault for opening her big ass mouth when she should have kept your confidence.


But women enjoy talking, and they enjoy talking to anyone that will listen, and they most enjoy talking at their men, so they will tend to start gossiping and sharing details of the lives of their friends, family and coworkers just to have something to say to him. As my buddy Zach says “it’s easier to talk about what so and so is doing instead of face your own stuff.” Real talk right there.

Women that have friends that tell their personal business to men are in danger. You are in danger because you don’t know the character of your friend’s man, nor do you know the character of his relatives or friends. You also have no way of knowing exactly how much of your personal information he has because of the long-term relationship you’ve had with his woman.

But understand this:  once he has personal and private information about you, he has power over you.

I’ve heard horrible stories, hundreds of situations that began innocently just like this where a woman was set up and used, set up and raped, set up and robbed, set up and blackmailed. Most men cannot be trusted with information that gives him power over an attractive, single woman. He knows the last time you’ve had sex, because your friend told it. He knows that you are horny and lonely, because your friend told it. He knows that you like yellow roses, because your friend told it. He knows what your favorite restaurant is, because your friend told it. He knows that you like freaky sex acts that his own woman refuses to do, because your friend told it. He knows that you got a promotion recently and a $25,000 bonus that is sitting in the bank, because your friend told it.

Men complain that they aren’t like that and that they can be trusted… that they aren’t like “other men.” But how is a woman to know the difference between a man that can be trusted and one that cannot? Men all look the same. None wears a sign on their shirt that identifies him as non-trustworthy, nor do they have a special marking on their forehead. No, women do not have a crystal ball and cannot tell the difference between the man that can be trusted and one that cannot. Not only that, a man that can be trusted this week may not be so trustworthy next week after you two have a fight. Your man may decide that your friend is a better match for him than you are because you’ve told him all about her so off he goes to see what’s up.

Therefore it behooves every female to protect herself and her female friends by not over sharing information with men.

A site visitor submitted the following testimonial after reading this article.  I thought it important enough to share with you, to emphasize the importance of keeping silent about your female friend’s and their affairs:

A former co-worker of mine blabbed just as you described. Her hubby came by to pick her up once or twice from work and she introduced him to me in passing.  She told him about where I was from and that I went to the same university as his younger brother and grew up in the same town he did and he kinda sorta knew my family.  She told him about my interests, likes, and my painful breakup.

Eventually I left that job and worked in another location turns out right around the corner of her husband.  One day I was out grabbing lunch and talking on my cell and looked up and there he was smiling at me.  He asked me if I remembered him and I did, and he walked with me to grab a bite to eat which he paid for.

After that we started meeting for friendly lunches.  He became a really good friend and an emotional support for me as I was going through my bad breakup and eventually we became “involved”.  This dude treated me like a Queen, listening to me, reaffirming how special and beautiful I was taking me out for dinner and walks in the park, holding my hand, just being there for me.  He was great to me in every way.  I don’t know how he was to his wife, but hey I wasn’t the one married to her and we didn’t discuss his wife.  His time with me, was ‘his time’.

Eventually I relocated to another state and dude sent me a care box and a lovely card scented with his cologne for me to remember him by.  He wanted to stay in touch, but I decided not to respond  and to let things end.   So ladies be careful, when you’re telling your friend’s business you could just be facilitating something to happen with your man and friend and you don’t even know it.

 

Women need to learn how to stop telling their boyfriends and husbands and their children their girl’s business. Shut your damn mouths ladies! You are rattling off at the mouth and telling your man all about how your girl loves, how she screws, what she will and won’t do in bed, how she thinks, what money she has, how she feels about her weight, her miscarriage/abortion/birth control scares, what bills she has, what her man is doing wrong, what she likes as well as what she doesn’t like.

You are basically giving your man the inside track on how to get into your girl’s head and thus, into her panties! SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE gossipy ole heffas! Women talk too damn much period, and especially talk too much to men. And you all especially need to stop telling all your personal business and the personal business of your female family members and close friends to your men.

I don’t care how much YOU trust him. If YOU trust him so much, tell him your business… just YOURS and no one else’s.

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. Sassyblues says:

    Silentbro: “Some statements like “…men do not listen to women at all” should have been prefaced with “some”, “many” or “the ones I’ve met”. I don’t think it is fair to lump “some” good men who don’t fit your definitions with the low down scoundrels who do”.

    Don’t you just hate it when you make a general comment such as: “Men do not listen to women at all.” and some joker comes back with “Well not all men are that way”. Or you make a general comment about a situation and someone comes back and say, “Well not ‘all’ situations are that way, I know in ‘my’ situation or my boyfriend.. or my xyz…” As though their particular situation is supposed to negate the vast majority that clearly shows otherwise.

    This urks me to no end especially when there was not an ‘All’ in the original statement. No need to bring out the ‘All police and the Captain Obvious’. People that feel the need to make redundant statements about all or some, are merely nitpicking in an effort to deflect from the more serious issue at hand. For the 900th gazillion time, ‘Some’ is understood, but that doesn’t negate the fact that ‘some’ is not greater than Most.

  2. Rose Marie says:

    I have read Deb’s post and the comments that have followed and I co-sign with the sistas because my first thought was he said something nasty or totally disrespectful to her friend because unless someone has some serious issues, women don’t totally go around slapping men out of the blue and I believe “some” men think that a relationship with his woman entitles him to a relationship with and access to her friends as well especially if they are attractive.

    Furthermore, I have seen and heard so much since I started dating that very little surprises me about “SOME” men’s behaviors anymore. Being a well-endowed woman, I have been on the receiving of friend’s mates or boyfriends, who have leered and/or made comments about me or my body, breasts, etc.. I would be like why is he talking about me or on me if he’s married. Plus, I thought my friendship was with her and not him and just like I didn’t need to know all their business they didn’t need to know mind and as long as we followed those boundaries, we were cool.

    Also, I realize for some people the word “friend” is a relative term because they don’t know the true meaning or boundaries of friendship. I have also experiences where I have dated men, who seemed to be a little bit too interested in my friends, and it was a deal breaker for me, I didn’t lose my friends, unless they were trifling (for lack of a better word) in some respect, I got rid of the man.

    I had an ex, who had the nerve to ask me if my friend wanted to join in one weekend while we she visited us and once while we were visiting her at her parents house, no less, he had the nerve to want to get engaged and married. That marriage never happened and I sooo happy it didn’t. If a man will try to demean you like that before he puts a ring on it, one can only imagine what he will do afterwards.

    Probably one of the weirdest experiences I had was from a guy I had just started dated and barely knew asking me if I had any friends we could have threesome with. I was new to the city and didn’t have any close female friends per se yet so I was like has he lost his ever lovin mind and why is he asking me that? I told him I don’t do threesomes and especially not with someone I call my girl or a friend. Needless to say that one didn’t last long either because I later learned that dude had all kind of issues with women period including a DV charge that was still public record. Sometimes we have to follow our gut especially if we get a feeling or inkling about a brotha before he ever acts out of pocket. Just run, it’s not you, you’re not too picky, too prudish, too whatever, know your boundaries and worth.

    I have a rule that I don’t let brothas come between me and my true friends. I used to rant about it upfront with them, now I just observe the actions and reactions of person I’m dating towards my friends and if and when necessary exercise my veto power. There are “some men” you can’t trust with your friends, relatives, children or even the dog (I’m joking but I’m sure you get the jist/gist)!!!

    • Raz says:

      Rose Marie: “I have been on the receiving of friend’s mates or boyfriends, who have leered and/or made comments about me or my body, breasts, etc…I have also experiences where I have dated men, who seemed to be a little bit too interested in my friends,…I had an ex, who had the nerve to ask me if my friend wanted to join in one weekend while we she visited us and once while we were visiting her at her parents house,…I had was from a guy I had just started dated and barely knew asking me if I had any friends we could have threesome with,…I later learned that dude had all kind of issues with women period including a DV charge that was still public record.”

      Wow Rose Marie, reading your comments and that of other women and some life experiences and hearing stories from my girl friends, I can say that 99.9% of black men are scum sucking dogs! There Silent Bro I said it. 99.9% approach women with disrespect in their minds, fonky trifling attitudes and treating her like trash instead of with respect and then they flip the script on the woman blaming her for accepting behaviors that they put out there in the first place. What does it say about them that they approach a woman and treat her like that in the first place? Why not step to a woman with respect instead of always stepping to her trying to get your dick wet as soon as possible, skeeting and running treating her less than a prostitute. (At least the whores get paid).

      So hell yeah. ALL BLACK MEN at some point behaved like scum sucking skeeting animals. I say that after reading and hearing numerous testimonials like yours which are far more frequent than stories where women tout positive ways they interact with black men. That little .01% of black men who have their shit together when it comes to their interactions with black women ain’t barely a drop in the bucket when you compare it to the vast majority of black men who act like dogs, even the ones claiming they are so called ‘good black men’ act like dogs when it comes to how they treat black women. And those black men who do finally get their heads out of their asses and learn how to treat a sistah right, only do so after they’ve dogged out women repeatedly a number of times through the years.

      So don’t no man need to be whining about the word ‘some or all‘ and stop focusing on that tiny miniscule percentage of men who maybe don’t act like the vast majority of scum sucking doggish men as described by Rose Marie. You’re only whining because you’re defensive. ALL Black men including you, behave atrociously towards black women when it comes to dating/mating and relating. Now you know this, so stop whining about ‘some or all’ and each one teach one and be a better man towards black women.

      • SilentBro says:

        Raz,
        I respect your response and definitely take no offense because what you describe is not me. I just wonder for women seeking a man if you believe that 99.9% men are as you described what options does that leave you?

        • eLLe85 says:

          Exactly Raz! What I have been waiting on….Black men in particular, holding each other accountable FOR A CHANGE.

          Silent Bro–speaking for myself–that leaves me single, happy, complete, and drama free.

        • Raz says:

          SilentBro: “I just wonder for women seeking a man if you believe that 99.9% men are as you described what options does that leave you?”

          Why? What does my answer to that have to do with anything about what black men are doing in dating/mating/relating? Again you refuse to focus on black men and always trying to turn the discussion around to black women. That’s why you men can’t get ahead and be better men when it comes to dating/mating/relating to women. You can’t get your head out of your asses long enough to stop deflecting ‘YOUR ISSUES’ off on women. As black men worry about the fact that the vast majority of black men in the dating pool are fucked up in so many ways when it comes to dating/mating/relating to women. Let that be your focus, and try to fix it and stop worrying about where that leaves black women. Work on black men as a whole being better mates for black women then you wouldn’t have t ask that stupid question.

  3. April says:

    I think the hubby made a pass at the woman that slapped him. He probably waited until she got drunk to say something disgusting to her like, “Hey baby, how bout you and me and my wife, your friend, get together in a threesome’. Men do dumb shyt like that. She slapped the fuk outta him and dude wasn’t expecting that.

    The fact that he refused to open up and tell his wife what prompted her best friend of 15 years to slap the fire out of him is prime suspect to me especially when the wife tells her hubby ‘EVERYTHING. Yet he can’t even tell her this one very important thing that occurred between him and her best friend of 15 years.
    Dude is a skank ho and she knew it when she married him too. She just married him because she had already invested 5 years with him, probably got a couple of kids by him too and figured she had too much time with him to walk away and would rather have a trifling man than no man at all. I’ve seen this scenario before.

    She tried to make the friend seem at fault for being ‘drunk as usual’ but that’s irrelevant. Drunk or sober, doesn’t matter dude did something to warrant a slap and that Silentbro is an ignorant ass fool with his dumb so called advice. Who the hell does he think he is trying to ‘speak for women’. A woman doesn’t have to know a man personally for her to slap the shit out of him when he misbehaves. If that were true how come these men act all personal hollaring and catcalling strange women acting like they know them when they don’t. STFU SilentBro.

    • NigerianSista says:

      You dropped the straight truth! I can’t stand how guys will put women in these terrible situations,and see how he tried to play the clueless role? I definently agree that he said something completly out of line and if he did he got exactly what he deserved. Guys have gotten away with saying and doing whatever they want for so long that the slap should have been a wake up call for him. Not every woman will tolerate it.

  4. SilentBro says:

    Interesting article. I completely agree with the last line “If YOU trust him so much, tell him your business…just YOURS and no one else”. I believe that sharing some personal information is inappropriate in relationships because its human nature to use it later when things go sour. I don’t think men have cornered the market on being slick, manipulative and trying to get with someone else’s mate. I can recall hundreds of stories I have heard about women stealing other women’s men or sleeping with them on the sly while pretending to be their best friend/sister/coworker/boss. This is a definite problem in our community because of excess communication but men aren’t the only dogs in this scenario.

    I also disagree with your sweeping definitions of men. Some statements like “…men do not listen to women at all” should have been prefaced with “some”, “many” or “the ones I’ve met”. I am not here to defend the dogs, terrible men, manipulating men and slick boys but I don’t think it is fair to lump “some” good men who don’t fit your definitions with the low down scoundrels who do.

    To the OP I feel its inappropriate for your husband and friend to have separate conversations at a party. He is your husband and if you go out with him why is he enjoying the company of your friend? The wife never aluded to what her husband said in response so I can only assume he didn’t answer to what was inquired so I agree there appears to be some wrong doing going on.

    Another scenario you didn’t highlight is that her friend and her husband are already having a relationship and they were having a little relationship spat when she slapped him. In my experience women slap only those they feel comfortable slapping meaning they have personal/physical knowledge. If a woman hears something inappropriate from someone they don’t know personally they normally check them verbally and move on. Slapping him and not wanting to say why implicates her also.

    • Deborrah says:

      I’ve already gone down this road and covered this territory. Allegedly mature grown ass men always looking for one word to not include themselves in a conversation (“some”) are acting childish, petulant and less than intelligent.

      Like I said, not one of you ever jumps up to demand use of the word “some” if women say “all Black men are good looking” or “all black men have big dicks!” Oh no, you never whine about THAT. Which is why I will continue to write exactly the way I want to write and I will use sweeping generalizations whenever I damn well please. You don’t like it — too bad.

      Now, with people being at a party they are going to talk to others. Males and females, friends you already know and people you don’t. So to make such a possessive statement that her husband has no right to talk to her friend shows where your head is. I wouldn’t give a damn who my husband talked to at a damn party. It’s a PARTY! I know I am going to talk to whoever interests me.

      And if you notice, the writer said she had several arguments with her husband about the situation but got no answers THEN went to her friend. To me that means ole boy clammed up and didn’t want to say anything about why he got fired on. To me that means whatever the reason is, he knows he deserved it and is guilty of something.

      Women slap men that insult them or touch their body inappropriately. I’ve punched and slapped several men in my lifetime and we were not having any kind of relationship, we were not friends, nor did I “feel comfortable” about having to do it, not in any way. Once was the face of a nasty ass Jewish stock trader that said something to be about my breasts. I slapped the fuck out of him right in the trading room at a brokerage firm in full view of over 100 traders and salesmen and their staff. But each of those man deserved it and they knew it.

      And she DID know her best friend’s husband. You are acting like they were complete strangers “if a woman hears something inappropriate from someone THEY DON’T KNOW PERSONALLY” that is when you went left and all outside the 15 year friendship that these two women had.

      Bottom line is, the male here did or said something nasty to his wife’s friend. She slapped the hell out of him for doing it. She doesn’t want to tell her friend what her man did or said because (1) she doesn’t want to hurt her by letting her know the man she married is a pig and (2) she probably thinks her friend won’t believe her anyway. 99% of women in a similar situation would do exactly the same thing and just avoid the friend AND her raggedy ass husband after that.

      Your response here makes you seem to be a very jealous, possessive and insecure man.

      • SilentBro says:

        I understand your response but sense a little anger in that I don’t share your same views. I guess the next logical step is to attack and label me. You must demonize me so no one listens or takes heed to anything that I say. I can’t blame you though you have a good thing going on. You are able to give you ideas and solutions as gospel and don’t want any men or women advising different. I always wondered why people took advice from someone it didn’t benefit themself. If I needed a good mechanic I would question his ability and judgement if his own car wasn’t running right. If I picked a roofer and visited his office I wouldn’t use him if his own roof was leaking. I guess its beyond question that you are a relationship guru yet you are still single? And uh thanks for the 5 cent psychological profile, I guess you are an “expert” in that also.

    • Raz says:

      SilentBro
      Why don’t you get your own blog instead of coming onto this one acting like you’re the expert and offering corrections to what Ms. Cooper posted. She’s been in the field for close to 20 years and what she says is well thought out, researched, and backed with 1000’s of examples, letters and insightful knowledge gained from being on the ground when it comes to interpersonal relationships between men and women, namely black men and women. You really don’t need to be coming on this blog trying to offer ‘corrections’ as if what Ms. Cooper says is invalid. It isn’t. Since you’re so full of ‘corrected advice, start your own blog (and hopefully you’ll lure some visitors to it). (Not this one of course.

      • SilentBro says:

        Raz,
        I never called or inferred that I am an expert. All I have done is share my experience and thoughts on matters posted here. Most of the times they are inline with what Ms. Cooper is saying and I have supported her. I have differed only a few times and expressed them still in support of her blog (not necessarily the position) and I get the responses like I am trying to disrupt what she is doing.
        I thought a blog is an exchange of ideas? I respond in the “Comments” section. I didn’t read any disclaimers that said only those who agree should post. If I have agree then maybe it should be changed from “Comments” to “Words of Support/Agreement”?

        • Raz says:

          SilentBro; “I thought a blog is an exchange of ideas?

          You’re not exchanging ideas, you are critiquing everytime Ms. Cooper responds on HER BLOG to a comment that was said and you are critiquing her post and that is not what this blog is about. I’ve noticed this about you all the time, you’ll come in and go back and ‘critique’ what Ms. Cooper says as if anyone asked you to put your stamp of approval on it. Why don’t you go start your own blog then you don’t have to be up in here all the time giving your ‘unasked for critiques of Ms. Cooper’s articles, and comments. Nobody said anything about ‘agreeing’ and you need to learn what you are doing is not commenting, but ‘critiquing Ms. Cooper’s comments and articles, going back ‘correcting’ what she says’.

    • Ck says:

      Silent Bro: “Some statements like “…men do not listen to women at all” should have been prefaced with “some”, “many” or “the ones I’ve met”.”

      Why are you taking this personally? If you know you aren’t one of those men then pass it on by. And if you can read, she did say: Most men cannot be trusted with information that gives him power over an attractive, single woman.”

      But you missed that part because you were too busy getting your panties in a wad. Grown ass men whining all the time and dismissing the entire point of the article behind one word that doesn’t even apply to their asses. What an idiot. And your so called points are way off the mark.

      SilentBro: “you didn’t highlight is that her friend and her husband are already having a relationship and they were having a little relationship spat when she slapped him. In my experience women slap only those they feel comfortable slapping meaning they have personal/physical knowledge.”

      You don’t know this and you’re just assuming. Nowhere did the OP say this or even hint that she suspected this so where are you coming from with this remark? Her friend slapped her hubby and that’s all you know. And your so called experience with women slapping men they only feel comfortable with is complete BS. What planet are you on? I’ve whipped out knives, tasered and maced dumb ass stupid muthafucking strangers who had the nerve to get in my face and I had no prior relationship with them whatsoever.

      You sound like an ignorant sexist pig Silentbro and you should follow your name and be SILENT. You are so full of shyt with the BS you are spouting it’s no wonder you’re not constipated. You have a blame the victim mentality and as soon as there is something acrimonious going down between a man and a woman, you like most dumb ass sexist men and male dominated women want to immediately find fault with the woman. Get a clue fool.

      • SilentBro says:

        Ck,

        I am so sorry you think and feel that way. I did not take her comment personal I just thought it wasn’t practical to label all men one way on a blog that is working towards solutions in relationship in our community.

        • eLLe85 says:

          Silent Bro-Did you ever stop to think about why there are so many blogs (although not as thorough as this one) written by so many black women and even other women regarding other men? WHy do you think that is? What is the common denominator? We live in a patriarchal society that women have been trying to negotiate for centuries. Some have unfortunately internalized the lesser status placed on them and bought in to the matrix. THE MAJORITY OF MEN have also internalized the system because Patriarchy was set up to benefit them even though it hurt them in the long run. There are not a lot of wholesale “good men” whatever that means because men would have to own their privilege and actively work to change. Most men will not do this and most men still do not teach each other to do this. Women are tired of the bs. Women are teaching each other to recognize their worth and demand more for themselves. Women are trying to help each other…you will continue to see more blogs written until you see more women wake up and disconnect from the Matrix. Loser ass men are afraid of this. Loser ass men don’t want to see the changes. Loser ass men come on self empowerment blogs written for the benefit of women and try to dismiss what is being said or point out that not all men are x, y,z. Instead of doing that, how about telling us how respectful you are to the women you date? How about tell us how you are raising or plan to raise your sons and daughters so that they have respect for themselves and others and start them on the right foot? We don’t need to hear about how all men aren’t like x, y, z. WE NEED TO SEE IT, LIVE IT, SMELL IT, L-I-V-E IN LIVING COLOR EVERY DAY. How about that? Instead of showing weak support only to voice your intended opposition, why don’t you be an agent of change?

          • SilentBro says:

            If you read my previous post I agree 98% of the time and give my support by contributing my opinions/experience and suggestiongs. When I am in total agreement everything is good but when I differ in my opinion or ideas yet still support the site I get called names and insults.

            If I told my background it wouldn’t matter it would only serve as fodder for more attacks to those who hate anything except complete and total blame on men for the failure of our relationships. I have been completely involved in my community working with women, men, children and working towards wholistic solutions through my jobs, education, business endeavors and my personal actions.
            I raise my sons, daugher in supportive love and guide their learning of their environment through compassion, support and analytical thinking. Teaching hate and blame without understanding complicity in our situation nor looking towards solution is very dangerous.
            My relationship background is that I am happily married and yet still have a respectful friendship with 99.9% of my ex’s. That means I have never burned, dogged or corrupted women like they say 100% of men on this site do. Yeah I did make mistakes and I definitely wasn’t perfect but I have always been a very loving soul and know men (albeit not many) like me who seek and search for a soulmate that is why I haven’t given up on hope for our relationships and I definitely don’t think that 100% of anyone is right or wrong at any given time.
            I am the first to give blame for black men’s failures to his family/community and culture but just throwing eggs and tomatoes at them saying I dont’ need them anyway isn’t condusive to positive change.

            My personal background is that I come from 4+ generations of successful marriages on both side of my family. My wife comes from similiar backgrounds and we use the time test solutions given through our culture, social understandings and of course our faith. Hate, anger, attacking do not fit well into the equations of love they equal destruction which our community is witnessing on a grand scale now.
            I work hands on with families in bad situations and have applied solutions that work that bring people back months or years later to thank me for the help that changed their life/family around. Sometimes those solutions are tough such as the ones suggested on this site (leave or arrest) but most aren’t as harsh and there is a way in most situations to find peace.

          • Raz says:

            SilentBro: ‘I have been completely involved in my community working with women, men, children and working towards wholistic solutions through my jobs, education, business endeavors and my personal actions.
            I raise my sons, daugher in supportive love and guide their learning of their environment through compassion, support and analytical thinking. Teaching hate and blame without understanding complicity in our situation nor looking towards solution is very dangerous.

            You said a whole lot of vague words. Nothing concrete that went into detail about what exactly do you do and how you do it, when, where, etc. You just said a whole lot of nothing.

          • eLLe85 says:

            Black women who say they don’t need a man or are happy to be alone, or considering dating others-is more than just a notion. Fukk what you heard. It is a step in a positive direction because we need to save ourselves. It has served no purpose other than to further degrade our own sense of self worth, to keep being that spring board for black males to fall back on….those days are done. And whining and complaining about Black women taking positive steps to help their mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health by eliminating trash men from their lives, realizing they can be happy alone or with other men or whatever they have to do to survive is not the way to go. WE have to have these discussions, WE have to step out of the matrix, WE have to fall back and disengage TO SAVE OURSELVES. What part of that do men like you who complain when we discuss doing this– do you not understand? MEN need to promote Manhood and accountability. Instead of worrying about what WE tell each other, GO TELL THEM TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER PERIOD. POINT BLANK. Don’t worry about us, we got this, if you don’t want us collectively to leave this so called black community in the dust and crumbles, then get to action and teach other men to do as you do. BUT DO NOT COMPLAIN WHEN WE TAKE POSITIVE ACTIONS FOR OURSELVES. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT IS ABOUT US. GET IT?

          • Raz says:

            Elle85: “THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT IS ABOUT US. GET IT?”

            Tell it Elle85! but sadly men like SilentBro and others won’t get it..Why? Because they can’t define their manhood without womanhood, therefore they think women can’t define their womanhood without men. How wrong they are.
            “Every time we liberate a woman, we liberate a man. ”
            — Margaret Mead
            “Man’s deepest fear is that women can get along without them”- Margaret Mead

          • Hellsyes says:

            Oh hell yes tell it sister. Why don’t you hear those young bucks bragging about how good they treat their woman? Instead they are on all the strong women blogs talking about how men don’t oppress women. And then they write a string of oppressive ideas and attitudes pointed at the women on the blog. It would be funny if it weren’t so scary.

        • Raz says:

          SilentBro: “I just thought it wasn’t practical to label all men one way on a blog that is working towards solutions in relationship in our community.”

          When black men get their shit together as a collective, then they can worry about labels, but until then, ALL BLACK MEN applies in this instance on this topic and on this subject. Get over it. Instead of worrying about labeling, do your part to pull the 99% up so that you can stop worrying about that little less than 1% who don’t fit. As black men stop whining about what someone is calling you. Shoot the shoe fits 99% of ya’ll in this instance. You just don’t like it when black women call you men out on your shit, and you want to point to the small, (not all). Tell me this, how is 99% of black men that do the dumb shit that they do to black women helping provide solutions in relationship in our community? What are you doing as a black man to help black men be better men?

  5. eLLe85 says:

    Besides, it is dumb for a woman to tell all her business to ANY man to whom she is not related, especially her OWN man. I don’t care how much you think you can trust a man, not only will be more interested in what your friend has going on, when things go bad with you, and they always do, he will become bitter and use your words and your experiences against you. Believe That.

  6. eLLe85 says:

    Tsk.tsk.Tsk. Sad to say I can totally relate. I once made a severe mistake in telling a new ‘friend’ about my relationship troubles with my ex and she sure did turn around and have her husband all in our business-the both of them tried to get in the middle of what was going on with our relationship because they didn’t have enough business. When I think back on it all, her husband was the one who came up to me first to introduce himself and try to supposedly connect me with his wife, to make friends FOR her, I guess she couldn’t do it on her own. In reality, he was trying to get to know me on his own and used her as a cover.

  7. Nigerian Sista says:

    Ms. Cooper, you always drop the truth. It’s unfortunate that there are males that would do some of the things you described in this article, but it definently happens. In connection to this article it’s sad how there are guys out here who seem to have no problem actively using info on their gf/wives friend to ‘move in’ on her for various reasons. I can recall several times when females that I knew at certain points in my life would mention how their bf was ‘always making comments about my body’ and whatnot. It was very frustrating because it made the female in question feel weird and she would usually take it out on me. I would be frustrated that the guy would actually go there with his girl when he wouldn’t have even had a shot to do anything with me in first place. It’s really sad that soem guys have such a predatory frame of mind when it comes to women.

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