I’m Tired of His Refusal to Commit!

| 03/15/2011 | Comments (11)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I’ve been seeing this guy for almost six years we’ve been in and out of our relationship due to both our parts, partly on my attitude, and my attitude of him not wanting to commit.

During one of our breakups he had another child, and he had already two.  I don’t have any children.

Of course I forgave him, yet he still doesn’t want to commit. I love him but I don’t really have any more energy for this. I think he just wants to do what he wants and I’m tired of it!

Scatter Brained in California

Dear Scatter-Brained:
I’m sitting here wondering why you forgave him for this egregious, irresponsible and just plain ridiculous behavior? In order for him to get that woman pregnant, it means he had unprotected sex with her. He’s so horny he can’t control himself for the 20 seconds it takes to unwrap a condom and put it on? And you took him back knowing that (1) your relationship with him has been rocky for years; (2) he’s NEVER offered you the commitment you say you want; and (3) he is a three-time baby daddy loser.

These types of letters are frustrating for me and this is going to be the last one I respond to. I’m tried of repeating myself. You girls just don’t seem to want to accept the fact that when a man has been with you for several years and still has no interest in marrying you, it means you are not the one. He isn’t interested in you like that. He does not love you the way you want and deserve to be loved, if he even loves you at all. Because his behavior shows that he does not give a shit about how you feel or what you want either. All he cares about is that you are there to meet his needs – for a place to stay, for sex, for a hot plate, to babysit his children by some other broad(s), as a rebound comfort, as a convenience.

When a man is really into you, he wants to lock you down and get you off the market quickly. When a man’s heart is involved, he wants to make sure in every way that he knows how that your free dating time is spent just with him. He wants you to know how serious he is about you and a future with you that he begins making plans for the two of you to be together – emotionally, psychologically, financially and legally.  Such men also put a firm time-frame around things so that you are very clear about the direction of the relationship.

A man that is serious about you will say things like “baby, I love you so much” and he will take you around his family and friends, his coworkers and his boss, his classmates and his frat brothers because he is proud of you and wants the world to know you are a couple.

A man that is serious about you will say things like “I definitely want to get married. I don’t believe in having children all over the place. I want to be with my children to raise them.  I see us being married in two years, so I’m saving up money now so we can have a down payment for a house.”

A man that is serious about you will tell you things that he is going to do or be or accomplish – and you will see him doing them, being them, accomplishing them. Step by step the serious man moves forward with you and your relationship.  He may move slowly, but he moves forward and you can SEE it… you can FEEL it. Your trust and belief in him is important, and he does everything to prove to you that he means what he says.

But see, you have none of those things with this guy, even after six years.  When are you going to get a clue girl and let this mess go?

Here you are, wasting your youthful good looks and time messing around with some chump that isn’t interested in giving you what you want. Really, I’m wondering why you want it from him anyway! Three kids and not one of them are yours? Can’t you do better than this? Why can’t you elevate your standards and have higher expectations of yourself and the men you love than this?

You must have the confidence to believe that you can get the love, commitment, husband and family you crave. You just need to accept that you aren’t going to get any of those things from this guy. It’s time to move on.

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Dating expert and advice columnist since 1993, writing as Ms. HeartBeat. Author of the hilarious street smart dating guide "Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged."

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Comments (11)

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  1. Lola says:

    It makes me sad that I have been seeing a guy for 2yrs and he cannot even decide if he wants to date me or not. He has 5 kids lives 2 kids and their mother and claims he is not with her. Then I hear I am not the only one he is spending time with,and he denies it all. I hate this i don’t know what to believe anymore. He says he wants to take things slow yea ok

  2. Lola says:

    try seeing someone for 2 yrs and he cannot even decide if he want to date you. After reading your articles I am kicking him to the curb,and I am not looking back!!!!

  3. chocodivine says:

    Once again — on point with the observations.

    At some point women need to seek psychiatric help. In my mind, that is a mental deficiency when women carry on this way.

    I have a good friend now — Smart, accomplished, financially stable, no kids. However, the last 3 guys she dated/married (yes she married one), had been married to someone else the entire time she dated them!

    She could see the dating faux pas in the dating lives of everyone else, but can’t see that her own situation is a mess.

    SMH — Until women TRULY love themselves enough to demand better, there is nothing you can do Deborrah.

    • Raz says:

      Excellent point Chocodivine
      I’m reminded of the quote from Harriet Lerner in Dance of Intimacy

      “Women are taught to enhance other people at the expense of the self, men are taught to bolster the self, often at the expense of others. It’s hard to get it all in balance.”

      Society has socialized women to please men fold themselves into a pretzel and put the man’s needs ahead of their own. It’s amazing how women believe that in order to have a relationship with a man, it is normal for them to sacrifice getting their needs met, 90% of the time and for men, it’s normal for them to feel entitled to get their needs met at the expense of the woman he claims to love.

      We must remember to blame men, after all they are the ones who set up the social ‘norms’ and men make the rules for the benefit of men. Which is why most men are self centered and narcissistic. And most women are self-effacing and self sacrificing. These two personality types meet up and you end up with a situation like the one you described with your friend, and in this article.

      No matter how successful a woman can be in terms of finance/career.. if she possesses low self esteem and has been indoctrinated by society to ‘please’ her man’ no matter what, this is the sad result.

      It is hard, but we’ve somehow got to change up this paradigm where women view themselves essentially in ‘servitude to men’, the price they pay for having a relationship with them. Hell to the Naw, later for that crap!

      • eLLe85 says:

        ” We’ve somehow got to change up this paradigm…”

        Once again I am right with you sista >< !!!

      • BlackNarcissus says:

        A lot of times, women who end up in those types of situations are being pursued by single, educated, childless, caring, financially stable men, and won’t give them the time of day. They choose the guy who has multiple kids by different women, is married and fooling around, etc. Usually, these women know what type of man they’re dealing with from the start. It seems to me, like everyone wants to shift blame, when it was the woman who made the decision to be with that type of man to begin with. Women are enabling, and accepting the self centered, careless attitude from some men.

        • Raz says:

          BlackNarcissus: “A lot of times, women who end up in those types of situations are being pursued by single, educated, childless, caring, financially stable men, and won’t give them the time of day…They choose the guy who has multiple kids by different women, is married and fooling around, etc..”

          BlackNarcissus, dumb azz fools like you always sing the same tired old ” Thug Envy Blues’ song. You think women who don’t want you with your fonky negative attitude against women must be going after the type of men you describe in your comment. Give it a rest will ya. Just because a woman has sense enough to put your dumb butt on nignore doesn’t automatically mean she is out pursuing the mysterious ‘thug’. Males like you love to say this to shore up your fragile ego in order to make yourselves feel better about rejection from the woman you want.

          Rather than focus on what you need to do to improve yourself and make yourself more appealing to women, you sit around and whine and blame the victim. What your dumb butt refuse to realize is that men of all walks of life have commitment issues. A man who has never had a kid, educated, has a career and financially stable can refuse to commit to a woman but yet want to lay up with her and get wifey benefits. So stop the madness. He-bitch azz men like you need to quit whining and spreading that ‘thug’ rumor about women as if every woman who doesn’t want you, means she wants a thug with multiple kids by multiple women.

          If you are supposedly alladat like you claim… single, educated, childess caring, financially stable but you still can’t get no play from women, it could only mean you look like the inside of a male prisoner’s azz on diarrhea and/or you have no game, can’t fuck worth a dayum, have no charisma, have no nothing that would make a woman get wet and turned on and imagine being with you. You named all of those traits but fail to mention, (attraction).

          Dudes like you think women are supposed to overlook that attraction factor and be with you based on ‘your values’ and not hers. In your mind it shouldn’t matter whether she finds you attractive or not, as long as you are ‘stable’. You need to wake the hell up. Women, just like men, want a partner who turns them on physically no matter how ‘stable’ he claims to be… apparently that ain’t you.

          Accept the fact that she didn’t want you and can you blame her? Your fonky attitude is a turn off, you probably ugly as fuck. You hold women in contempt and think your dumb azz is the bomb and any man who isn’t just like you must be a thug. Women see right through that and run a mile. Get over yourself and change your fonky attitude. That would go a long way towards making you more appealing to women even if you can’t change what nature gave you in looks. Then you won’t have to be up in this blog sounding like a broke record singing the ‘Thug Envy Blues’.

        • Raz says:

          Black Narcissus: “A lot of times, women who end up in those types of situations are being pursued by single, educated, childless, caring, financially stable men, and won’t give them the time of day… They choose the guy who has multiple kids by different women, is married and fooling around, etc.”

          Black Narcissus, and there are a lot of men who are pursued by single educated childless caring women, but they bypass them and hold out hoping the video women will notice them. They are 3, 4, 5’s but rather than pursue their female 3, 4. 5 counterparts, they go for women way out of their league who can have any man she wants, and when they do manage to get the woman and they get dogged out, they end up bitter blaming the woman instead of dating within their league. So don’t get all self-righteous here as though men don’t act stupid and use poor judgement with women. Yes this woman in this situation could use some self esteem and needs to kick this dude to the curb. I agree, but that doesn’t absolve the man for being a jerk in the first place and I notice you had not one word to say about the man being a jerk to this woman, you blamed the victim as usual.

        • And your point is what? She already acknowledged that she made a mistake. This ONE woman hardly represents the millions of single black women looking for a man of integrity and quality. They sit at home alone year after year while men chase after the freaks, the women that dress half-naked, the women that are flashy and have the looks that men with little to no self esteem want to have on their arms to impress their loser friends.

          The “women” you are speaking about are the minority. Yes, there are women that prefer dating men that are married or otherwise obligated. They admit they just want the good stuff (laughs and sex), and don’t want to be obligated to hear him whine about his bad day, or wash his stinky socks after picking them up off the floor, or buy presents for his grumpy, ugly ass momma – all the things a girlfriend or wife is expected to do. They don’t want that drudgery. And those women are not complaining about what they have. A woman that is complaining was lied to by the man.

          You wrongly assume that all single, educated, childless, caring, financially stable men are worth something. Most are not. They may be all those things but come across as arrogant, judgmental, sexist and totally uninteresting jerks. No woman gets into a relationship with a man that thinks he is superior to her, is entitled to her, or that wants her to feel like she is lucky that he consented to be with her.

          You must not have seen my video that breaks all this down, entitled “WHY BLACK WOMEN PUT PROFESSIONAL BLACK MEN ON NIGNORE.” It discusses black men that think they are extra fantastic who are angry because women don’t want their asses.

          You all really need to stop complaining and get a damn clue. Then maybe you will get a great woman of integrity and quality, a woman that is truly interested in you.


          • BlackNarcissus says:

            Wow you’re assuming a lot about me, first of all I have no problem attracting women. I’m not envious of thugs, nowhere did I say that a women who doesn’t want a certain type of man, must want a thug. No, neither I or any other man should be able to tell a woman what type of man she should be attracted to, or choose as a partner. I agree most men are clueless about what it is that women truly want from a man in a committed relationship. However, when a woman knows that a man has multiple children by different women, is already married, has a history of sleeping around while in a committed relationship, and still chooses this man as a mate, I have a hard time seeing her as a victim, when things go wrong. Yes people make mistakes but a lot of women don’t hold themselves accountable for the mistakes they’ve made. Yes the men in these situations are at fault they are very selfish, irresponsible, careless I could think of tons of other negative adjectives to describe that type of behavior, but a lot of times women who are with these men, are showing with their actions, that this type of behavior is acceptable. The woman in the article above, forgave a man who had a child with another woman in addition to the two he already had, when clearly she was fed up with his behavior. I’m not assuming the couple mentioned above was black, but as a black man who lives in the black community and primarily dates black women, I see that type of thing happen a lot. Let’s not forget that close to 70% of black children are being born to unwed mothers. It’s obvious that a lot black women are choosing men who aren’t even committed to raising children. From what I’ve seen, oftentimes women know the type of man they’re dealing with based on their history, yet they still choose these types of men.

  4. Cynthia says:

    When are these women going to realize that a man needs to offer them more than sex? When I read articles such as this it seems that is the only thing the man is providing sex now and then and it’s sometimey at that. Are women really that desperate for sometimey sex by a trifling man that they will put up with 90% terrible behavior most of the time, for the 10% of sex they get the rest of the time?

    Wow! I’d rather be by myself drama free and enjoying ‘toys’ than to put up with some fool such as the one this woman is dealing with. That little sex she is getting from him is just not worth it.

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