Interracial Dating: Black Women with Trifling White Men

| 09/28/2011 | Comments (18)

In a few weeks I’m slated to be the keynote speaker at an interracial dating conference here in the San Francisco Bay Area. To prepare for my presentation, I visited various websites and forums to get a feel for the concerns and issues that singles interested in interracial romance might be facing. I also joined and participated in several Facebook groups that focused on Black women in partnership with White men.

However, I came away shaking my head in disgust at what I perceived to be a very serious problem with these interracial groups. The young Black women posting there are, for the most part, very confused about how to conduct themselves; hundreds of Black females are falling prey to the sexual fetish games White guys play, getting their Black freak on.

The tasteless photographs of young Black females posed in a manner more suitable for Black Tail or some porn site than to meet men of quality were common.  The overt discussions about sex were shocking.  White men threw out questions such as:

  • Does talking dirty in bed turn you on?
  • Are you dominant in bed or submissive?
  • How do you feel about mens cum? Where do you want it? Where wouldn’t you want it?
  • How many of you ladies wanna be my ‘lil porn star?
  • Why do so many women see giving head as a nasty thing to do?
  • Who likes to wake their significant other up by giving some head?

To no surprise, the women responded eagerly to these perverse questions, their profile pictures displayed prominently right alongside.  Why would young Black women put themselves on blast in this manner for the pleasure and enjoyment of White males? What is the mentality that would motivate such behavior? Are these women really that desperate for recognition and compliments? Do these women really think that is the only way to catch a White man’s eye and have him pay attention to them?

Black Women Looking For Love in All The Wrong Places and Faces

From the profiles, it appears the majority of the females in these groups want to have a serious relationship, and they want to have it with a White male.  This was evidenced in frequent posts made by Black women which contained questions such as “Where is my Prince? Why is he taking so long to come?”  The motivation of the guys however, was not so clear.

When I voiced my concerns and suggested the young women examine how they were being treated, these White men attempted to shut me down. Few acknowledged the truth of their behavior, instead openly encouraging the women to be “sexually free” and to “let go of hang-ups” since “we are all adults here.”  The ratio of Black women to White men in all of these groups is at least 5:1, which gives the White males a great advantage and power. They didn’t want me to do or say anything that would upset the balance of power from being in their favor or prevent them from getting their freak on with the Black women.  I found the whole thing to be extremely distasteful. Each exchange was flavored with racist stereotyping of Black women as good for nothing but sex.

Do young women understand that men of all races judge women by how they present themselves? Apparently not. My grandfather always told us girls “if you don’t have nothing to sell, don’t advertise.”  How can you allow a man to see your breasts and ass in all kinds of suggestive poses, then get upset when he thinks that you will be down for sex as soon as you meet? If you always present yourself like a street walking ‘ho online, how can you expect that a man would treat you like someone precious and special on an offline date?

Bottom line for me: any Black female that thinks its appropriate to post ass shots, tit shots, crotch shots, to talk about sexual positions, blowjobs, sexual experiences, etc. online with complete strangers has both a mental and self-esteem problem. Your behavior needs to change immediately.

Stop it, right now.

The Past Will Follow You Into the Future

Are these women aware of the fact that whatever you post on Facebook or out on the web stays there forever?  Even if a page is deleted from that site, there may be an archive of the page in Google or in the Internet Archives affectionately known as The Wayback Machine. This means evidence of what you do and say on the web won’t necessarily disappear without a trace, no matter how many years ago you did something stupid online.  Your name and your face will be associated with your forum posts, personal pages, web pages and blogs for decades.

Your sexually suggestive posts could become an issue which will affect your future income, employment and relationships.

Young Black women need to be aware of the fact that employers and prospective employers are utilizing searches through social media pages more and more frequently. With so many people out of work, employers can afford to be picky. By taking the time to do background checks which include posts and pages on the web, employers can get a better idea of the character, values, morals and behavior of their current and future staff.

Which means that your sexually oriented posts and photographs present you in a way that would make you undesirable for hiring. Unless you are going to work in the adult entertainment business, that is.


(continued on page two below)


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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. Deborrah says:

    PhilliesPhanatic21  – if you think it should be for both then you write one. I wrote the article I wanted to write, the way I wanted to write it.
    And all of their comments are very clear, right along with their profiles. NO BLACK MEN. To me that is making a definitive statement about what they want to date.

  2. Chas0x01 says:

    african american women have been the white man’s jump off since forever in this country. why should that change, now? every white man in america knows he can get easy sex off of black women. cuz black women consistently make this perfectly obvious. this relationship developed during slavery continued through jim crow and is all over the internet and every other type of media, today. 
    seriously, no one will deflate  your black pride balloon faster than an african american woman. so sad…

    • Razzy says:

      Chas0x01 “every white man in america knows he can get easy sex off of black women.”
      Dude, put down the crack pipe.. Since most black women date black men, that statement should read that black men treat black women like jump offs. It’s the black men who skeet and run leaving baby mamas and children behind.  Stop using this one article to lob all the evils done to black women mostly at the hands of black men onto white men.
      When black women do date and marry interracially they invariably have a high satisfaction rate and the divorce rate is lower with black women and white men marry.  The divorce rate is actually higher when black men and white women marry.
      Trifling men come in all colors. But your attempt to use this article to put black women down and make it seem that all they are good for is sex with the white man and that white women are better, just shows your hatred of black women and what YOU really think of them and not what white men think.

  3. joeclyde says:

    So let me get this straight. When White men are involved. All of the responsibility is on Black women to conduct themselves accordingly, and choose wisely.

    But if Black men are involved. Then Black men are sociopaths, and Black women aren’t responsible for desiring Swag over competence.


  4. Trixie says:

    Deborrah, you are spot on! I grew up in an area where white men were comfortable hitting on black women. And, I’ve dated lots of them in my time. Luckily, most of them have been great guys. However, I did get hit on by white guys that would always hit me with the proverbial, “you’re so exotic!”. That was always a sign for me to walk away. Right or wrong, I interpreted this as him looking at me through the eyes of a white man that was curious for a bedroom romp,but not for a relationship where he treated me like any other woman he’d date.

  5. allensam88 says:

    There is some value in what this article is saying: Don’t flaunt your sexuality too much, or you could get used. However, I don’t believe this problem is isolated to black women and white men only. It is unfair to cloud these type of relationships with this reasoning. I am a white male and I have dated black women with the intent of establishing a relationship. I am seeking a woman of any color that I feel is worthy of marriage. This type of woman dresses classy, has good morals, uses good grammar, is good with finances, and is worthy of trust. Why should I trust a woman that is too eager with sexual matters with a stranger? What will she do when I’m not looking? Find another? Same goes with men. Ladies, if a man asks you sexual questions too quickly, he is not to be trusted. Judge the individual by his or her character and actions, regardless of skin tone. In my experience, all of the black women I have met do not behave in the manner depicted in this article.

    • Deborrah says:

      I never said the problem was isolated. Nor did I say every single Black woman in the world behaved thusly.

      What I AM saying is that even one White man coming at a Black woman in this way is scandalous and trifling. And any Black woman… ANY ONE OF THEM, that responds affirmatively to such nasty disrespect needs to have her head examined.

      A woman that has herself together spiritually, emotionally and mentally would not tolerate such disrespect and would dismiss that man from her life immediately. Sadly, too many young women don’t know that is what they should be doing.

      • allensam88 says:

        I understand your message: Be careful not to flaunt or engage in hyper sexual behavior too quickly because it will result in a negative experience. However I think it is unfair to put the black and white labels on this dialogue. Some white men do this to white women too and some black men behave this way with black women also. Your advice is good for men and women of any color, but distorting it with race only obscures the intent of the message.

        • Deborrah says:

          I really don’t care what you think. My message is directed towards BLACK WOMEN, not White men. The entire conversation is based on what I saw WHITE MEN saying to BLACK WOMEN, and that is why there are color labels. Your friends placed them there.

          Sure black men do it to black women, and white men do it to white women. However, the social and historical implications of a White male talking to a Black female in such a disrespectful, sexually oriented manner go straight back to slavery. Black women have always been lusted after by White men! You all have always talked to Black women like we are prostitutes, there to satisfy your most base and carnal urges.

          That is why the message was flavored with race. The message to Black women is very clear and not obscured by anything, at least to those with good sense.

  6. Andrea says:

    The type of women who behave this way behave this way with Black men as well. Which does not surprise me, because one of the biggest complaints BM have about BW is that we, supposedly, aren’t “sexual” enough. We are too “uptight”. They are probably trying to prove that stereotype wrong. Personally, I could care less about stereotypes. If someone is dumb enough to see me as a stereotype instead of an individual Human being, I don’t want anything to do with them. Period.

    • Deborrah says:

      I disagree. These women refuse to interact with Black men AT ALL. So they do NOT “behave this way with Black men as well.” They are doing all they are doing to win the favor of White men, as they perceive them to be better than Black males. These women turn up their noses and run in the opposite direction from Black men, and they aren’t trying to even talk to them, let alone date or sleep with them!

      • PhilliesPhanatic21 says:


        How do you know for sure that these women only date white men? Do you know all of them or atleast some of them personally? I think by judging how these white men and black women are interacting with each other and enforcing stereotypes, you have actually created your own set of stereotypes geared toward these black women. And you said so yourself that this message is for black women, not white men. I think it should be for both…

        • Deborrah says:

          Thank you, but when I want your opinion about what I write, I will ask for it. Generally I write what I want to write, the way I want to write it. And I don’t need to KNOW a woman that disrespects herself on a public forum personally, nor do I need to know the white dude personally that thinks its cute to disrespect black women, and hope I never do. I am not stereotyping anything, I am reporting what I saw with my own eyes. That’s not good enough for you, too bad.

  7. praguegirl says:

    I think the problem lies in the fact that black women are led to believe that their worth lies in their sexuality. A lot of these women have grown up watching BET and the booty shakers and they think that is normal behavior for women. They don’t seem to understand that if they are truly looking for their ‘prince’ they need to be able to discern respectful behavior from disrespectful behavior.

    If those men are asking them such pointed sexual questions, that should be glaringly obvious what these men are all about. Unfortunately, the women see it as par for the course. They have to be disrespected in order to get the man. Nowadays, it’s more about getting a man instead of a good and decent man. That seems to be the end game…period.

    I am astounded by the way some of these young women dress. I guess they think it’s cute to wear tight jeans that shows their butt crack and almost without fail they have a tramp stamp or some brand where they have actually seared their flesh peeking out from under their short tops. Sure, that will get attention, but not all attention is good. I think self-esteem, self-worth is not even on the women’s radar. It’s as if they have no concept of it. I think it’s a tragedy.

  8. lormarie says:

    It’s about time a post like this was written. I love the IR blogs but we have to be honest that many are quite disgusting and some black women feed their appetites. Personally, I avoid any and all FB forums of the type.

  9. This is such a timely article; and thank you so much for writing it. I have left so many IR Facebook groups because of all the issues you’ve noted. I, too, have been “shutdown” because I contested such behaviors and ideologies. However, I am not going away; and I will share your article in my IR group. I’ve had more than my fair share of DBR non-BM who tried these pin-head antics with me; and I NEVER posted such suggestive pictures. They were just ‘comfortable’ because they had been getting away with such tasteless behaviors for so long. It’s time for us to shut them down!

  10. Mary Alice says:

    Thanks, for this one, Deb. Sex obsessed male trash comes in all colors. Young women must respect themselves; there are males of all races who don’t care about anything except treating a female’s body like his personal toilet bowl.

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