Is He Using You?

| 06/10/2011 | Comments (9)

You told him that you loved him and would do anything for him; but now it seems you’re doing EVERYTHING for him, including his laundry and chauffeuring him around. It’s gotten so bad that your friends jokingly refer to him as “Miss Daisy” behind your back. How did you get here?

Despite what you’ve been led to believe about relationships, it is possible to do too much for your guy. Are you always doing for him, but he can barely give you the time of day? You need to re-adjust your giving accordingly!

Here are five points to consider if you are starting to question his motives for dating you:

1.  Are You His Personal ATM?

He is always a little short on cash, so you find yourself paying for all dating activities. You bought his Mom a birthday gift and card, and signed his name. Then you filled up the tank in his car. There should be clear boundaries between a girlfriend and a Sugar Mama. If you’re paying for everything, and he is constantly using your financial assets without contributing any of his own, you’re paying him to be with you.

2. Does He Call You?

When a man is really into you, he wants to hear your voice often. He will call during the day just to touch base and see what you are doing. Texting does not count. If you are forever hunting him down or waiting hours (or days) for him to call you back while he “handles his business” you are not a priority in his world.

3. Is He Always Asking For a Favor?

“Pick me up!” “Can ya loan me $20?” You find yourself washing his clothes, cleaning his room, and researching then typing his school papers. Be aware that some guys will stick around for the convenience and goodies you offer, though they’re not truly interested in you.

4. Three’s a Crowd

Your relationship has 3 people in it – you, him and his (alleged) ex. He claims that he loves you, so why does he insist on talking to and spending time with HER? If this describes your relationship, you are the rebound Band-Aid to a guy that is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. You’re in emotional quicksand. Save yourself!

5. Intimacy is Lacking

You find yourself hungering for signs of affection like hand holding and hugs. He claims he’s not into that stuff. When you two are alone he is like an octopus, touching you everywhere! But in public or around his friends you feel like a stranger, as he barely acknowledges your existence. If he’s keeping you around for his sexual convenience, it’s time to bounce!

Smart girls know that to be fully satisfying, relationships must be mutually rewarding, not one-sided. A guy that is truly loving treats you with respect. He also reciprocates caring gestures as you give to and take care of each other.

When deeply in love, it can be easy to blur healthy boundaries. But being in love doesn’t mean being a fool for a user. It’s not about being “nice” – it’s about being smart!


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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues

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Comments (9)

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  1. stop twisting says:

    one thing I like about this site is women are are stepping out of the norms I have bin wondering for years  do we still have women who believe in themselves apart from believing in others…most women need to learn to love themselves not until they are told by a man sometimes .they shud stp allowing the mind game of this ppl to get to them evrytime.afterall relationship isn’t a home of fantasies or fairy tales,beta not to play the victim before u learn.

  2. stop twisting says:


  3. stop twisting says:

    love this…………..

  4. Alesia says:

    I am glad to see this in print. I have met several men who seem to live off of women. They create calamities or are just to lazy to work for what they want and look for financial “supporters” to contribute to their endeavors. I fell for the hype twice and now twice bitten am fully aware that men who say they want a relationship but then turn around and ask for money at the drop of a hat knowing that I don’t make much money. There are professional romance scammers online, but there are actual, real life scammmers you meet during your regular daily activities. I have learned to never give/loan a man that I date money.

  5. Raz says:

    I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the way the majority of so called relationships with black women and men go. Most women are so desperate to have a man, that they will ‘pay for what they feel is the ‘privilege of having one’. They fear the stigma of being single and ‘unwanted’ in society’s eyes is worse than pimping themselves out for the sake of having a ‘piece’ of a man.

    In fact when I reflect on the stories and experiences of female friends, more often than not I hear complaints just like this where the woman is always doing for the guy, but rarely is the guy reciprocating. The woman is the one bending herself into a pretzel to meet ‘his’ terms. Women do this mess all the time and it ranges from living with a guy sans marriage, because ‘he’ doesn’t believe in marriage, so she lowers her expectations and lives with him, eventually having kids with him and being wifey without legal ties, to her doing everything else for him.
    Women need to ask themselves is it really worth it for a little sausage now and then? It is men who set up the socialization of society and it is men who created the stigma of a single woman being a bad thing. Of course men would create this brainwashed thinking, because it suits their advantage to have women to fear singledom more so than hitching herself to some man and serving his needs even if isn’t reciprocated. Men set themselves up to be the prizes to be won when they are single and women are to be society ‘misfit’s when they are single. It’s all jedi mind tricks and BS. Women need to see through the matrix and BS for what it is and turn away from all that brainwash thinking.
    Women who do all of this stuff for men are not happy. They really would be better off single and taking care of their own needs. Women need to get a clue and stop valuing themselves based on a man. Once women learn to do that, they’ll turn their backs to that brainwashing that patriarchal society has placed on women which is to define herself merely based on two words: wife and mother. NO, A WOMAN is ALWAYS a WOMAN first, and last!

    • eLLe85 says:

      PREACH it as usual Raz!!!

      • Alesia says:

        I am glad to see this in print. I met a man three months ago. We started dating. He drove a BMW, wore nice clothes, had nice accessories. He stated that he owned his own trucking company and had just sold a house. He also had the latest Blackberry ATT phone and was wearing a Jabra bluetooth. 2 weeks after we met he began to have calamity after calamity. First, he lost his wallet with thousands of dollars of money orders and cash, then his battery failed out of state, next, one of his drivers had an accident and injured 4 adults who were suing him, then his son had a car accident and was in a body cast, then his roomate kicked him out, then his play daughter died. I had loaned him about $400.00 and gave him my old lap top which he was supposedly buying. After he supposedly, got his ID re issued and had access to the tens of thousands of dollars he supposedly had in the bank, I asked him to repay me. He became angry with me and questioned my loyalty and trust. He told me that my money was in the mail. That was four weeks ago. I learned a good lesson. No man is getting any money from ME!!

        • Deborrah says:

          This reminds me of the time I was taking a walk one summer day in Oakland around Lake Merritt and met this guy who was walking too. So he walked and talked with me. It was cool for about 30 minutes or so.

          He asked if he could call so we could talk some more. Sure, why not. Ha!

          That fool called me later the same night talking about his grandmother was sick and needed some medicine and he was $30 short and could I loan it to him. I asked how old she was and he replied 82. So I said “no, I can’t do that.”

          He asked me why not. I said because I don’t know you, and I don’t know your grandmother. He says I thought we were cool.

          I still remember what I said almost word for word: “No, we ain’t cool like that. And you need to understand something. I don’t care if she is sick! And if she is 82 she probably needs to go ahead and die anyway.”

          Then I hung up the phone. He never called back.

    • missme says:

      Excellent response! I wish I could share it on fb or twitter!

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