Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
My man is jealous and insecure. I think that is what is causing him to want sex all the time. At least twice a day! I’m afraid to gently tell him “No” if I’m not in the mood (which seems to be all the time now), because he gets upset and withholds affection towards me. He doesn’t know how to touch me without trying to get something sexual out of it. I’ve been lying to myself for a year now, but cannot do it anymore. I’m sure his insecurity is the reason he feels the need to reconfirm his manhood all the time. He’s obsessed with porn and fetishes.
I have sex with him all the time when I don’t want it or enjoy it. He’s so loving and passionate before during and after that I do it. I keep telling myself that I’m getting what I want and so is he. I want him to get some help. It’s making me feel so awful inside. I feel like a prostitute and even sometimes I feel raped. He is never violent or cruel… in fact he is the opposite. Unless I say no, then he is very mean to me. Won’t speak and when he does is rude and short. I hate who he is during those times, so I give him what he wants.
Please help me! What do I do to help him?
Afraid to Say No
First of all, you don’t need to write me a letter asking me how to help HIM. He is a big boy and and doesn’t have a problem in the least. He’s playing crazy and jealous, but getting exactly what he wants from you and from this situation! The person that needs help here is YOU!
One thing you need to understand is you are painting him in the role of some poor damaged soul in dire need of strength, comfort, affirmation, nurturing, and all that. Honey, your man is not insecure or jealous … what he is though is (1) controlling and (2) a sex addict. You are merely a vehicle that he uses to deposit his sperm and eradicate the sexual demons he has stirred up with compulsive use of pornography. Your man is manipulative, controlling and telling you via his demanding behavior that he is not interested in MAKING LOVE to you when its a situation of mutual desire and interest, only in using you as a tool for his release.
Basically, he is masturbating using your body to do it while he visualizes his fetish or porn.
I am shocked and saddened that you are allowing yourself to be used like this. No woman should ever consider herself to be in a loving relationship and have her body and spirit treated in such a shabby fashion… so badly that you can see an association between your love life and rape! That is just astonishing to me.
So, the first thing I am going to recommend is that you see a counselor. There’s something you’re getting out of this situation that you need to address and heal, because you’re hurting yourself just to have this man around. It reminds me greatly of the relationship molested children have to their abuser when they are being or have been slowly and carefully groomed and seduced into sexual activity:
This pattern of behavior characterizes the offender who engages children in sexual activity by “seducing” them — grooming them with attention, affection, and gifts. The grooming/seduction process was previously discussed beginning on page 26 and because of its importance will be further discussed in later chapters. Just as one adult courts another, he seduces children over a period of time by gradually lowering their sexual inhibitions. His victims usually arrive at the point where they are willing to trade “sex” for the attention, affection, and other benefits they receive from the offender. Most of these offenders are simultaneously involved with multiple victims (see the chapter titled “Acquaintance-Exploitation Cases” beginning on page 63). This may include a group of children in the same class at school, scout troop, or neighborhood. The characteristic that seems to make this individual a master seducer of children is his ability to identify with them. He knows how to talk to children but, more importantly, he knows how to listen to them. His adult status and authority can also be an important part of the seduction process. All children are at risk from such seduction, but offenders frequently select as targets children who are from dysfunctional homes or victims of emotional or physical neglect. The biggest problem for this child molester is not how to obtain child victims but how to get them to leave after they are too old. This child molester is likely to use threats and physical violence only to avoid identification and disclosure or prevent a victim from leaving before he is ready to “dump” the victim. The majority of acquaintance child molesters fall into this pattern of behavior.(1)
This sounds so much like the relationship you are in right now as an adult that its frightening.
The second thing I’m going to recommend is that you speak to a domestic violence advocate. Though he is not hitting you with his fists, what you are experiencing is called emotional abuse and in many cases its damage is worst than physical. Bruises heal, but the heart and mind hold onto pain and manifest it in other parts of your life for years, sometimes decades.
You need help so that you can begin to heal yourself and increase your self-esteem. When you love yourself more and feel worthy of better, you’ll see this guy and your relationship in a whole new light. I expect that a part of that healing will involve leaving this very sick relationship.
(1) Child Molesters -A Behavioral Analysis – For Professionals Investigating the Sexual Exploitation of Children (5th Ed 2010). Kenneth V. Lanning Former Supervisory Special Agent Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) – Joint project by The Federal Bureau of Investigation, National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, and The Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, a division of the U.S. Department of Justice.
Category: Dating Advice