Have you ever noticed that men love to pick their noses in public? Sitting in their cars especially, its like they think there is a force field of invisibility around their vehicle or the seat they’re sitting in and no one can see them knuckle deep in that nostril. Then they pull it out and look at it admiringly. Some of them play with it with another finger — stretching it out or rolling it. Some of them wipe it on the nearest object; their pants, a cloth napkin, underneath the seat, on the wall, on their shirt, etc.
What is it about men and their absolute fascination with boogers?
And the belching. Have you ever seen guys have belching contests? Especially after eating or drinking beer? It’s the most amazing thing. They seem to get a really big charge out of belching repeatedly like wildebeests to see who among them can belch: (1) the loudest; (2) the longest; and (3) the most musically. Homer Simpson’s burps and belches epitomize this fun.
And the poops. Surely you know guys that come out of the bathroom with their magazine or newspaper, announcing proudly “You should have seen the size of that log!” as if you were going to rush over and say “dang, why did you flush… I wanted to see it!” I’m sure this is a carry over from toddler toilet training when Mommy would exclaim and carry on about how wonderful it was her little boy used the potty all by himself. Adult males get together in groups and exclaim to each other about who made the biggest log and what they’d eaten beforehand and what year it was this monster was created. And if one of them made a log that stopped up the toilet, you can practically hear the reverence in the voices of the other men as they pay homage to “The Log of All Logs.”
And the harking and spitting. Is that like dogs marking their territory with urine or something? Some guys do this habitually (I’ve seen them), instead of swallowing their saliva like other people do. And if they can hark and spit out a plug, it will be memorialized in conversation as he and his buddies honor “The Plug of All Plugs” with gleeful laughter.
And the farting. Standing next to you, laying in bed, or sitting on the couch, most men will just let it rip. Then when you look at them crazy, as the cloud of funk descends, choking the breath from your lungs, they get that look like “what?” The worst ones are the ones that want to pull the covers over your head to make you pass out from the fumes. Second in line for “worst” are the guys who make those silent but deadly stink bomb farts and don’t say anything – just keep talking like nothing happened. As your eyes water and you pray for fresh air, they just stare at you. As a scientist might a bug under his microscope, checking out the effect their Fart of Death has on you.
Growing up, my dad would make a game out of farting, and entertain us with his gaseous expellations. My mother was totally disgusted by it, but us kids thought it was great! His best fart was when he would jump up in the air like he was playing an air guitar, and on the way down let it loudly rip! Or he’d be walking, then suddenly stop and strike a pose – like the Heisman pose, or a dog at a hydrant, or The Thinker – and let it rip. We children would laugh like crazy people, and my brothers would emulate him. It was funny until I got about 13, then I hated them all.
We won’t even get into the ball scratching thing.
I know you’re wondering “why does she think about crazy stuff like this?” and that’s fine. I think about lots of things – some serious, some curiously strange. Just put this in whichever category you think it best fits.
Category: Men's Issues