Mens Right to Choose: Opting Out of Fatherhood With a Financial Abortion
The Responsibilities and Risks of Sex
Let me give you an analogy of the risks of sex. Let’s say one night you were feeling pretty good so you took a walk on the train tracks. Now everyone has told you it’s dangerous to walk on the train tracks, and that lots of men have been hit by trains by doing so. But you decide to take a chance and walk on the tracks anyway because you’re special.
And later, when you are lying in the hospital broken and bandaged, you tell everyone that you didn’t want to get hit by a train. Sure, you heard a train coming, but you didn’t think it was really going to HIT YOU! Okay, you may say that you didn’t want to get hit by a train, but your BEHAVIOR shows that you did. You wanted to be hit by the train. You knew the train had hit lots of other folks but you walked on the tracks anyway. If you didn’t want to get hit by a train, why would you have been walking on the train tracks instead of on the road where it was safe?
Walking on the train tracks was a risk you were willing to take in spite of warnings. These are the same risks you assume when you lay down with a fertile woman of child bearing age and you have sex with her. See, when you were busy hitting on her and getting her number, grinning in her face, driving over to her house, and then pulling off your clothes to get in her bed and have sex, you weren’t thinking about 18 years of child support then! You weren’t thinking about someone with your genetic lineage running around the planet looking like you but living without you. You weren’t thinking about anything but the booty you were going to get.
Then you want to get an attitude and say she should have kept her legs closed. No fool! You should have kept your dipper behind the zipper. If you keep your sperm away from any eggs, you will never, ever have this problem and the issue of financial abortion will never be one that you have to discuss.
I don’t care how many condoms you use or how much birth control she claims she is taking or how many claims of tubal ligations or infertility she makes. Bottom line is sex is how babies are made. Sex is what will get you on the hook for child support. Sex will get you hit by the baby train.
Decision Making Equality Will Not and Cannot Exist
Though some men believe an economic abortion places them on a par with the termination of a pregnancy, in reality, there can be no equality in these two issues. The physical act of aborting a fetus is in no way comparable to a financial abortion. When a woman aborts a pregnancy, the potential life of that fetus comes to an end. Once she leaves her doctor’s office, there is no child to worry about feeding, clothing, and caring for the next 18 years. On the other hand, when a male decides that a financial abortion is his best option, he leaves behind a child who must still be loved, sheltered and cared for.
Men that desire a financial abortion believe that the mother of the child should and will assume all responsibility to meet his child’s needs. However, if she is unwilling or unable to do so by herself (due to her health or financial reasons), and needs support, responsibility transfers to a third party – someone who had no involvement in the fun of creating the child.
Black men seeking financial abortions proclaim loudly that it is not their fault if the woman is pregnant and “she should have kept her legs closed” or “she should have made me use a condom!” They believe it is not their fault if she decides to birth the child they created inside her body. They also believe it is not their responsibility to take care of the child, be involved with the child, help raise the child, nothing.
But is this battle for who is responsible fair to the child?
The Realities of Child Support
Many fathers refuse to pay child support, using the excuse that “their money” is used by “that woman” (the mother) for irrelevant things which do not pertain to the child. It amazes me that they are so petty, silly and ignorant of the true costs of raising a child. If these men were required to pay half or more of the true cost of raising that child, most would be poverty stricken.
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture 2010 estimates “the lifetime cost of raising a child is now well over $200,000 — and that doesn’t even include the cost of a college education.” Even if a father is paying $600 a month in child support (which most do not), and paying it each and every month on schedule, he is still only covering less than half of the estimated non-inflationary financial costs to raise that child, and not a penny of the sweat equity.
This figure also varies considerably depending upon the region of the country the child resides in. In major metropolitan areas like the San Francisco Bay Area, Los Angeles and New York, daycare costs for young children are more than $1200 per month; we’re not even talking about the costs of food, diapers, clothing, medical care and housing for the child.
Some fathers insist they should have the right to closely monitor where their child support goes, forcing the mother to provide receipts for each cash expenditure. The only way you can get receipts fellas, is to take custody of your child. Not everything can be quantified or monitored. Raising children is not just about food and diapers.
What about the roof over the child’s head that must be provided? The electricity, gas and water used to take care of the child? Sleepless nights and missed work days caring for sick children? Field trips, lunch money, school supplies? Gifts for friends having a birthday party? After school care for school aged children so Mom can finish her work day? Computers and toner and educational software programs? Haircuts, socks, shoes and clothes? Health insurance? Doctor visit co-payments, eyeglasses, dental cleanings and braces? Fees for school? Varsity jackets, school rings, jock straps, prom dresses, and driving lessons? Basketball or soccer equipment and uniforms? Music, art or dance lessons? How about tutors?
Fathers forget about all those things when they complain about child support payments. Some are so angry and have such a vindictive attitude towards the woman they impregnated that they demand custody of the infant child. They believe they can do as good or better a job than the mother taking care of the child. Though some men can, most cannot. They are not prepared for the time and energy it takes to raise a child and the sacrifices in free time, money and fun required to parent a child into adulthood. When you really think about it, child support is the easy way out – you write a check and you’re done.
Because no matter how much the father contributes in support, all of those things listed above need to be paid for, and child support is just a drop in the bucket unless you are Puffy or somebody on his level. Your average Brotha ain’t ballin’ like that.
(continued on page 3 below)
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Society and Culture
Razzy DU2 feminism is about equality…right
9/10 law is possession so of I give her my seed then I am no longer responsible based off that law of giving. You can’t have this both ways women shouldn’t open their legs if they know they are fertile. If you want to make abortion legal then men should have same rights not to financially support a kid or to not have an abortion. You complain about black lives but black women kill more blacks then anyone. So sad you wanted so badly to be white women you fell for a feminist who created abortion to get rid of blacks look it up. All in the name of your so called rights of not having to take responsibility for your body. Yet the govt spends money for clinics but no loans to creates buisnesses while are communities suffer and more kids born to broken house holds and despair. Now their are more abortion clinics in our communities then job opportunities, thanks black women all in the name of your so called right to kill.
Razzy sushilover So if I understand your reasoning correctly: If you don’t want a baby keep your legs closed ladies. Sorry I mean guys. The first is sexist but the second is okay.
sushilover Razzy “I think my main point was that women have more choice to become parents then men.”
Again more drivel and denial. You need to grow up and until you grow up and accept that only YOU control where your sperm lands, you don’t need to be having sex dude. Again, it doesn’t matter how many birth control choices a woman has.. She could have infinite choices, she still can’t make a baby without a sperm. And that sperm comes from a dude. OK, I thought you learned that in jr high school biology.
Who controls the sperm… THE MAN
Where does the sperm come from…The MAN
How does the sperm get into the vagina…THE MAN
Who chooses to ejaculate sperm into the vagina…THE MAN
How can sperm be prevented from entering the vagina…THE MAN
So you see, THE MAN controls his sperm and he makes choices over where his sperm goes. Regardless of what the woman does, it’s still your sperm and you control where it lands. Why do you keep talking about what the woman has instead of focusing on what you have… And that is control over your own sperm and where it goes.
See men have been brainwashed to think a woman is responsible for your sperm. She’s not… You are. Regardless of what that woman does… YOu control your sperm. If you don’t want a baby, then keep it out of her womb and that’s your job, not hers. This ain’t rocket science dude.
DU2 “Both of them should get themselves “fixed” before they have sex, if they want no babies messing up their sex without obligation plan.”
No dude, don’t worry about trying to control anybody but yourself. It takes two to make a baby but only one to prevent one from being made. Did you practice what you preached? Did you get yourself fixed? If you get yourself fixed, then you can bang away and never have to worry about your sperm hitting pay dirt. So worry about yourself. Be responsible for your own sperm. You don’t need ‘her’ in order to take responsibility and control of your own sperm.
DU2 Once you give up your sperm and it goes inside of a woman, you as a man have no say so over what happens to that sperm. If she chooses to have a baby, you have no say so, if she chooses to abort against your wishes, you have no say so. You freely gave your sperm away knowing there was a chance it could hit pay dirt and become a baby. If you don’t want your sperm to become a baby, exercise your ‘free will’ before you give your sperm away by keeping it to yourself. It’s as simple as that. Keep your sperm out of her womb and you don’t have to worry about abortions or child support or any of that. It’s your sperm… and your responsibility..
Last time I checked it takes a man and a woman to make a baby and both are equally responsible. On the flip side. What about in those cases when the man wants the child and she does not? No one says ish when she chooses to abort the child. She gets to choose either way. The man has little say in these scenarios. Both of them should get themselves “fixed” before they have sex if they want no babies messing up their sex without obligation plan.
sushilover Your comment about choices is the usual drivel men say when they don’t want to take responsibility for their own actions. See men have choices, but your window of choice comes BEFORE sex, not after. A woman is not responsible for where you CHOOSE to deposit your sperm, only you are. See before sex, you decide, (a), have bareback sex, (b) wear a condom, (c) don’t have sex and keep your sperm to yourself.
Every man screwing knows how a baby is made, and when you willingly engage in consensual sex, you decide to play Russian Roulette with your sperm. That’s the chance you make. Same as when you ‘drive a car, you take risks. Well sex comes with risk, the risks of possible transmitting disease, the possibility of a baby coming 9 months down the line. If you want to insure that you don’t be exposed to those risks,, then keep your sperm to yourself and only ejaculate it into the woman you are READY to make a baby with. This calls for self control and will power.
Yall men want to be the man, but you are too weak to say no to the vjay, vjay. Well stop whining when a baby comes. Because you are doing everything to make one, so don’t act surprised when one gets here. I don’t care if a woman has 1000s of choices, that doesn’t change the bottom line which is you and only YOU are responsible for where your sperm goes. That’s your choice, your responsibility to control where you sperm ends up, not hers, only yours.
Razzy sushilover Yea, I agree about mens choice/responsibility and thought I expressed that. I think my main point was that women have more choice to become parents then men. That’s great news for women but “could be” a reason men freak out when a baby comes. Because its a bit ludicrous to assume people have sex for the sole purpose of procreation…I think it’s for pleasure most of the time.
Thanks for replying Razzy. You’ve made me think twice.
Your article has more than one issues in my opinion.
1. You assert that men have as many reproductive choices if not more than women. Men have two choices…to abstain from sex or wear a condom both of which are choices a woman can make as well. Women have many more non-permanent reproductive choices including hormones via pill, patch, vaginal ring, implant or shot, a spermicidal sponge, cervical cap, diaphragm, female condom, iud and spermicides.
2. While it may be true that the only way to fertilize an ovum is with sperm, neither the act of ovulating or ejaculating need have the intent of fertilization or parenthood. That’s why there are so many different choices for women to have control over reproduction.
3. Once conception has occurred women have three choices, to abort, to adopt or to become a parent. Men have no choices but to comply with a woman’s decision. Meaning that once again, women have more choices than men.
4. Your assertion that possession is 9/10th of the law in regards to sperm doesn’t hold up. Possession, legally implies a property, a physical item such as land not a human life and I assume you don’t advocate possessing (owning by law) human life.
So, while men do need to be responsible for their children I’d say women have a lot more choice pre and post conception whether to be a parent or not. Once conception has occurred men have no choice which is why men get upset. And Women shouldn’t be surprised if their choice to make a life long decision on their own for men to become a parent upsets men.
After reading your article I’m sure you’ll totally disagree with my viewpoint but thought I’d share anyway.
Well Trixie, I would say it is a smart man who knows that he doesn’t want to be bothered with the emotional entanglement and complications of a relationship that pays for the services of a prostitute. My point is that it’s a lot cheaper to pay for NSA (No strings attached sex) with a prostitute than child support in the long run. You write that you find it disconcerting that some men view some women as worthy of adoration and respect and not others… well, be disconcerted, because that’s the way it is. Also, it’s really just about options, so that the physical desire of sex is met, that men have, but without the financial entanglement that unwanted pregnancies can cause. Prostitutes are simply one option. So, is abstinence and masturbating for that matter. My points about birth control were muddy. I should have limited to abortion and the morning after pill A.K.A. RU-486 pill as examples of women being able to “have their cake and DO IT TO”, as you put it. The problem with a lot of you women is that you don’t want to acknowledge the validity of men having the same kinds of options. I propose prostitution as such an option and you swat it down. I propose abstinence, vasectomy, etc…. But my point is that your living in a dream world if you think only women can have their cake and do it too, and men are just going to tow-the-line with respect to whatever decision about the pregnancy a woman decides to make. You can live in the world of make-believe if you want, but men do have options (although financial abortion after the child is already born should not be one of them for moral reasons). Prostitution is a necessary evil. A lesser of evils, as compared to financial abortions.
Short of your advocacy for prostitution, we seem to share the same opinion. Men do have options –so, your post confirms my initial response to this article.
However, many don’t exercise them BEFORE a child is conceived, then whine and complain about their responsibility after all the fun. Claiming that they only wanted to relieve their manly urges — not become a father. So, if a man needs to whine, complain, yell, cartoon, cuss, cry….they have a right to do all those things — all while getting their checkbook out to support their child(ren). Financial abortion once the child is here is wrong.
So, I’ll agree with you on that point too. Cheers!
You know what I don’t get about all these men who are so resentful of having to pay child support is why they don’t use condoms, instead of barebacking it. I also don’t understand why these women have these children either. But so many men would serve themselves well by paying for the services of a prostitute. With prostitutes you get the release you want, without all the headaches (like unwanted children and everything that comes along with that). Or, why don’t these men get a vasectomy? The Black community can ill afford procreation. We really need to lobby for vasectomies and tubal ligations in our communities that are covered by medicaid.
Use the services of a prostitute? Wow, I hope you were kidding because I am laughing. This will not decrease the number of unwanted children.
Now, what this may do is make you a man who gets a prostitute a/k/a ho pregnant who you truly, truly gave a rat’s tail about.
MEN still need to own up to who they are screwing and what the consequences may be after they screw. But, based upon your comment, it just shows me that many men don’t want to do that and want to have their cake and “do” it too. LOL!
No, I wasn’t kidding. Prostitution is an unsavory perhaps, but real outlet for the sexual compulsions of men. Professional prostitutes are less likely to spread STD’s than regular women, and also less likely to have unwanted pregnancies carried out to term. They make it their business to not get pregnant and not get diseases. Now, I’m not talking about crack head street walkers. A lot of men don’t want anything but sex from a woman, and so those men should go to those women who don’t mind that arrangement. It really is far less expensive than pretending to court a woman or date her. Black women want to “have their cake and DO it too!” Black women I’ve read get a disproportionately high percentage of the abortions in this country for their numbers. I’m totally pro-life, so that’s good as far as I’m concerned. The “morning-after-pill”, uh, Trixie, that’s for women who want to play but not own up to the consequences of their actions. In fact, you women with the oral contraception, IUD, diaphragm are the MAIN ones who want to NOT own up to the consequences of having your fun!
Blackcaesar, you are AMAZING. LOL! Are you kidding me? If a man is too cheap to pay for a box of diapers for his own child, then how the heck is he going to pay for a professional prostitute? If some fool doesn’t want to pay for a nice dinner or coffee with a woman to court her, what makes you think his azz is going to pay for someone who isn’t just a “crack head street walker”? In my opinion, there’s something very disconcerting about a man who categorizes women in his mind as “worthy” or “unworthy” of true adoration and respect.
Next, your dig at women on birth control was simple. On one hand you are advocating for prostitution, but criticizing women that exercise their birth control options to avoid having a child before they are ready. Like I said you are AMAZING…and full of contradictions to boot!
Now, what was the title of this article again?
I definitely agree that a men cannot blame anyone, or demand anything regarding a woman’s pregnancy. Sex is a gamble, there’s a chance of pregnancy every time. Even a condom isn’t 100% unless you see the woman taking birth control getting the shot or whatever else, you can’t be sure about that either.
All that said, I don’t think most men truly want to be absentee fathers, even if they do blame the woman, or believe she should’ve got an abortion. I think that the major problem is that for men living in poverty it’s extremely hard to be a father, I’d even go as far as to say men in poverty are punished by the system for having children.
Mothers without means are given all kinds of government assistance. I’m definitely not saying mothers shouldn’t be able to get government assistance, however if a woman gets married, or in some states is living with a man for a certain amount of time, most of her assistance is cut. With black male unemployment at an all time high, even higher than black female unemployment, I can see why the OOW birth rate for black children is so high.
Most women feel they are better off getting government assistance, in addition to whatever child support the man is giving them, than getting married. I think this is unfair, I think children need a father in their life regardless of his income.
Children do need a healthy relationship with a healthy father. However, children must eat first and foremost, and they need a place to sleep, do homework and feel safe.
And if one parent is unwilling or unable to provide that food and shelter for his offspring, the other must step in and find a way to do it alone. ANY single parent, male or female, qualifies for assistance with their children based on household income. Some get less, some get more. But if a child does get assistance and the father pays child support, a portion of his money goes to the county to repay the services they are rendering on his behalf for his children. Any amount the father pays is deducted from the amount provided by the state or county. So you see, there is no double dipping as you portray. And if the father is paying cash support to the mother here and there, he is still getting the best end of the deal. Because if he were to be on child support, they would not care that you don’t have a job. While unemployed you are racking up “arrearages” and will owe them to the county/state even after that child is 18.
As for the first paragraph, at least you get the concept of responsibility. However you lost me on the “punishment” part. No man was feeling punished when he was enjoying that sexual release, now was he. He was thinking how wonderful it felt, how he couldn’t wait to bust one, how happy he was he didn’t have to pay and is getting “free booty”. That is what most men are thinking about, not the child he is about to create.
And you should really look at the child support cases filed. You can see them online. These men are doctors, attorneys, police officers, sherriff deputies, teachers, CEO’s, etc. They have money. They just don’t want to spend it on a child, feeling resentful of giving what they consider to be THEIR MONEY to anyone to take care of a child they claim they don’t want.
“I think the major problem is that for men living poverty it’s extremely hard to be a father”.
. Women are so tired of excuses. In 2011, I don’t even want to see a man fix his mouth to say that he’s too poor to take care of his child(ren)and that’s why he doesn’t. Yes, poverty exists, but there are many, many, TOO MANY women that take care of their kids and live way, way, WAY beneath the poverty level. The last time I checked, giving unconditional love, consistent presence, and direction to a child is free. Yep…you read that right, it’s FREE. So, miss me with with making excuses for deadbeat daddies.
And, since far too many men have this rationale, I guess they should think twice about laying down if they are afraid of losing their last pot to piss in because it will be needed to provide for their child.
Come to think about it, calling all Ladies, read the fine print of a man’s life. If a man doesn’t have a pot to piss in and NO window to throw it out of….R-U-N!!!!!! You are setting yourself up for heartbreak and years of excuses on how the dog ate his last paper dollar. LOL!
So when a Black woman has 3 different Baby daddies. Is she still allowed to Blame the men? Or when a Black women gets pregnant by a man. That is either married or has multiple baby mommas. Is he still at fault?
Curious.
Ummm….this article is talking about a MAN’s right to financially abort if a woman gets pregnant and whether that makes sense or not. It is not directly addressing a woman’s potential poor decision-making and then ending up with a baby daddy or two or three –which admittedly is not a good look.
However, in my opinion, this article swings back to a man making better choices before getting freaky. If more men took it upon themselves to think with their rational minds before having sex, then this whole financial abortion thing would be a non-issue. If men don’t like a woman holding all the cards if she gets pregnant, then HE not she, need to move on.
It takes both sperm and an egg to create a baby, Men and women bear equal responsibility, but many men always want to point the finger at the woman without realizing they contributed 50%. NEWSFLASH….”50%!”
With the OOW birth rate for black children at about 70%, clearly some people–men AND women need to go back and take a refresher course on Biology 101 from 7th grade. Because with those statistics, it’s clear alot of folks didn’t get a passing grade. Just sayin’……
Yes, let me tell you why.
#1 He saw that she already had a child by someone else. You can tell if you are a brain having man, that this is not a woman that believes in abortions. So if you don’t want to be the next baby daddy, get up and get out of her life.
#2 He saw that she already had two or three children by two or three different guys. You can tell, if you are a brain having man, that this is not a woman that believes in birth control or abortion. So if you don’t want to be baby daddy #4, you get up and get out of her life.
#3 Unless a man has custody of his children, there is no way for a woman to know that in his history are different children with different mothers. Most of the men I’ve met that have children OOW lie and say they don’t have any, or they say they have just one. They have no photos in their wallets or even at their homes, so there is no way a woman that recently met this guy would know all this about his past. Now if he tells her the whole truth about his multiple momma situation, and she gets pregnant by him, and decides to be baby momma #3 or #4 or #5 then yes, that is her decision. But he is still stupid for contributing his sperm yet again to another situation where he is gonna have to pay even MORE child support.
Yes. Each one of those babydaddies are responsible for where he deposits his sperm.
Yes. He is to blame. If the man is married and getting outside trim without protection, then he is a damned fool and he gets what he gets.
Yes, if a man already has multiple babymommas and he is STILL barebacking it with still another woman, he gets what he gets.
Deborrah: This article is on point!
Men have a ton of choice BEFORE a woman gets pregnant, but choose not to exercise their options. They are so fixated on getting their rocks off that they don’t realize the consequences of their decisions. And when a man is aggravated about the amount of child support they have to pay, I almost always think to myself, “too bad”. What about sex and how babies are made, don’t you understand?