Discussion of the differences in communication and perception styles… those motivated by their emotions vs. those that perceive the world and even love through their mind. In this He Says/She Says discussion, Alix and Raz debate an issue most often considered to be a gender divide.
Overly Emotional people [can be] constant complainers [Vengeance Prone, Unstable,manipulatice, controlling etc.] as much as over-analytical people. The EXTREMES are the Devil.”
It’s almost as if you believe those that “Just Exist” and let things “just happen to them” because they FEEL a certain way have some superior ability to handle life. That is such an understatement. Again , the Extremes of each are the challenges, and a combination of HEAD and HEART in it’s proper ratio are whats needed to healthy navigated the difficulties and dissapointments of life. Nice try. I can’t buy the “analytical people are more dangerous” idea through this story however.
That has not been my experience. I feel I have a throttle…..somewhat. Emotions are fleeting, they come and they go. It’s the choice to keep some that makes the difference. The HEAD and HEART are integrated. At least for me my Resident Contrarian.
The overly intellectual types still FEEL emotions. Now when you say you FEEL love I’m not sure that the feeling is love itself. Those emotions are byproducts of love, and to some degree I’m more convinced they are more based on infatuation (a rush of oxytocin and dopamine, and phenyltethylamine. I’m not saying that we don’t feel love at all, but the feelings are just one small fickle component and true love is grounded in more than just those feelings. I say love is a choice and not a feeling. FEELINGS are very FICKLE.
Problem is that in this culture we’ve bought in to this Disney bullshit that love is this touchy-feely things as opposed to a conscious choice that sometimes is accompanied by warm fuzzy feelings but is mostly predicated on commitment and respect.
Loving is a feeling. Whether you show it or not, or analyze yourself out of it, or run away from it … well all those actions are a choice. But loving itself is a feeling and you don’t control that. What you manage is how you exhibit your feelings, but the feelings are the same. You FEEL anger so you either throw something or you hold it in and get a headache or ulcer, or you write about it in your diary. But you still FEEL it. You FEEL love, so you can either tell the person, keep it a secret and hold it in, show it by touching or rubbing … See or you can just write poetry or write about it in you diary. But you still FEEL it.
You don’t control the intensity either. Once can merely try to control how it is exhibited. I agree that either extreme is not healthy but more often than not guys love to talk about ‘over emotionalism as if that is the worse state of mind someone can have. What about the emotionally disconnected? The emotionally unavailable? These are the basic traits of your bargain basement psycho and sociopaths those that eventually turn into your Jeffrey Dalmers, Ted Bundy’s your serial killers.
People (especially men) who are in denial of their emotions, who don’t even handle their emotions and who view ‘feelings’ as a weakness are not healthy people. They most definitely are not empathetic either. I wouldn’t want someone who has Head over heart mentality in a relationship; that wouldn’t be compatible with me. People who live in an intellectual tower often make poor intimate partners because they fail to make an emotional connection with their significant other and they are dismissive of other peoples’ feelings. They scoff at people for having feelings at all as they tend to devalue them.
These types of men often have miserable women partners who may seek to have that intimate emotional connection elsewhere. Men in the ‘intellectual tower’ think that emotions only matter in the ‘thinking self’ and they are dismissive of the ‘feeling self’ because it’s not logical to them. They rarely make good listeners because they tend to cut you off and start trying to problem solve and be logical. Sometimes the person just wants empathy and a good understanding listener. But people in the ‘intellectual tower’ can’t give this sort of support because they are not in touch with their own emotions and have walled them off.
What they don’t realize is that you can’t ‘think’ about a feeling/emotion you have to actually ‘feel it. People who function from the intellectual tower are emotionally distant and they subconsciously keep everyone else at a distance even without even realizing it. However they don’t’ think it’s a problem. To them they are rational controlled and thoughtful human beings, it’s everyone else who is ‘too emotional’ that have the problem and to the intellectual tower person, their threshold for emotional display is very short so any sort of show of emotion is too much for them.
This plays out in all aspects of their lives. If their little kids run to them for comfort if they fall, they’ll tell them to stop that crying, then show them how not to fall and put more focus on that (rather than offer emotional comfort), if their SO comes to them to talk about an issue, they have little tolerance for listening with empathy and will immediately start giving unasked for advice on what their SO can do to solve the problem. These people don’t realize that there is such a thing as emotional intelligence that is just as important to the makeup of people as the IQ that they pride themselves on having.
My advice to women is if you are with men who come from the intellectual ivory tower, mentality you may find someone who lacks feelings/emotions and ability to make emotional connections. They are emotionally walled off (to varying degrees some more than others). Depending on the severity of their emotional disconnect, they can break your heart as they never put the emotion into the relationship that you do. Women often feel drained dry.
This type of emotional disconnect of the intellectual guy was most likely formed during the formative years long before men reached adulthood much less the dating world. Many of them experienced emotionally unavailable parents so this dysfunction perpetuates itself.. Parents who are emotionally available/disconnected from their kids raise kids who are the same way. But one doesn’t have to stay in that vicious cycle.