My broken heart makes me afraid to love or trust again

| 09/13/2011 | Comments (0)

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I don’t know how to begin allowing myself to love again…is it possible to love completely without being somewhat vulnerable?

I realized after several unsuccessful relationships that I am completely commitment-phobic. I meet some terrific guys, but just can’t bring myself to commit emotionally to anyone. I don’t play games with them and I tell them from the beginning that I have a problem in this area and still they wind up falling in love and wanting to marry me. I was married young and after 12 years, divorced him (with reason).

Shortly after that, I was in a long term relationship and in love… opening myself to him emotionally and becoming vulnerable. Needless to say, that didn’t work out. I don’t know how to begin to allow myself to love again. I fear that if I become vulnerable to a man again I will be hurt again. And I don’t know how to love completely without being somewhat vulnerable. How can I conquer this fear?

Scared but Lonely

Dear SBL:
No one WANTS to get hurt, but it’s something that every single person on this earth of dating age has experienced at one time or another. The winners in the game of love are merely those that refused to give up! Winners take the good memories that came with the failed relationship, appreciate the lessons the bad came to teach, and move on to try again. Only cowards get knocked down and refuse to get back up and keep fighting.

Realize that if you don’t change your ways you will be old and alone. You have been blessed to have a persona that men find appealing and want to be with, so at least you don’t have that hurdle. What you have to realize though is the walls you built to keep pain out are also keeping pain in. The walls you built to keep you from getting hurt by love are keeping the joy of love out as well.  Locked doors protect you from the outside world, but they also make you a prisoner .

So for you I suggest you take baby steps, but start moving forward to change your life.  Meet men and establish friendships that have no romantic overtones or sexual interaction. Reacquaint yourself with the feelings that good companionship provides.  Go out with several or even many fellows as you establish new guidelines for the type of man that is right for you.  Then consider the possibilities of a romantic, intimate and long-term committed relationship.

Everyone has been hurt by love at one time or another, so two failed relationships in 20 years is no excuse to keep yourself closed off from the possibility of love again! Eat your spinach, Cheerios or drink your V-8, whatever you have to do to get some muscle and your courage up, and start living again.

Life is not meant to be lived in a cage, with you sitting there watching life and love happen to others. Let yourself be a proud Eagle that soars free!

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Dating Advice

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