Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the Black Community

| 11/20/2011 | Comments (90)

Taking into account my two decades of work in the advice field working with single black men and women, and after listening to Donna Andersen and Dr. Fran Walfish, the two experts I had on the show tonight discussing sociopaths, I have come to the conclusion that 97% of Black men in America suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That 3% … oooh weee that is hard to find.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
List from

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
— These are Black men that expect to get credit and a title of “good Black man” for doing the things they are SUPPOSED TO DO like work, go to school, and take care of the children they helped make. Love to remind women that there are more females than males, and that women need to get with him to “support” and “encourage” and “nurture” him to greatness. Like to refer to themselves as Black kings and Gods, though they possess no riches or fifedoms, and certainly no magical powers. Those that lie about their abilities and embellish their history and accomplishments my cousin Candace calls “Lying a$$ muhfuggas!”

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
— Thinks they will be the next Michael Jordan, or a big time rapper, or a big time model, and are still dreaming that dream at 35. Believes they have the right to a woman’s body, love and commitment even though they are a verbally and/or emotionally abusive, arrogant asshat most of the time.

Believes that he is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
— These are the guys that went to school and now believe themselves too good to associate with “average” Blacks, even those in their own family. They move to the suburbs and marry White women. These are the type you meet at a party and the first thing they want to do is stare down their nose and ask you pointed questions to determine your pedigree – where you go to church, who you know in Jack & Jill or the Black MBA Association, and if you ever vacation in The Vineyard where his father has an estate.

Requires excessive admiration.
— Wants you to tell him “great job” about everything he does and go out of your way to thank him for helping out with his own children and in his own household. What are you, five? If you tell him about himself, he wants to call you bitter, angry or a man hater. Some will turn around use that as justification for cheating. You don’t have the right or permission to criticize him you mere Black woman.

Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his expectations.
— This is where the whole “Black women aren’t submissive enough” thing comes in. In retaliation, they will state that they deserve a foreign woman that knows her place and her role and puts him and his needs first without question or demand. Though he keeps his options open to date outside the race, he rants like a maniac at Black women that date other races and accuses them of abandoning the Black community. May attempt to get custody of children in a divorce proceeding to retaliate against a woman that leaves him, though he has never been an involved or even a caring parent. His chief goal is to avoid “paying that woman my money” or to avoid giving her the upper hand (control of the children). The worst of this bunch are the guys that attempt to hit on a woman as she is walking down the street or in some social setting, or that refuse to let a woman leave a relationship without hurting her. In the former, should she reject his advances, he becomes enraged and strikes out with violent words or punches. Women have died from gunshot wounds and stabbings at the hands of strangers. Moreso are the spurned lovers who refuse to let a woman move on; they kill them instead.

Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
— In this category are liars, players, gamers, pimps, and users of women. They call it “spitting game” or “running game” and their favorite targets are women. These are the clowns that bust you upside the head and take the purse of an old woman, or the new shoes or jacket of a child. Always demanding and selfish.  Even in prison, they demand that you run up your phone bill talking to them, go broke visiting them and putting money on their books. Child molesting pastors, fathers, step fathers, uncles, older brothers and trusted family friends that violate children sexually are also in this category.

Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
— Blames a woman for being victimized by one of his male buddies or any male, period. Even if a child is hurt by a predator, its still somehow the mother’s fault for “not picking a good Black man!” instead of the male’s fault for being a predator of children. Sits by idly refusing to lift a finger to help his exhausted mate or failing children. If he sees a woman being assaulted on the street, he laughs and films it to upload on World Star Hip  Hop instead of calling the cops. Intervening on her behalf will never happen. Will refuse to help young people or teach his own children anything “because nobody helped me!”

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
— Have you noticed how many Black men hate on Obama or any other successful Brotha for no reason?

Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
— They believe they are superior to women for no reason other than they have a penis.  I’d say that fits in perfectly.

As with all personality disorders, the person must be at least 18 years old before they can be diagnosed with it.

Narcissistic personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females, and is thought to occur in less than 1 percent in the general population.
— That is because none of those studies have been done on BLACK men where it would be at least 75% of the population.

Like most personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people
experiencing few of the most extreme symptoms by the time they are in the 40s or 50s.

— Yeah, because by then they have high blood pressure, “sugah”, need Viagra and nobody wants them.

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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  1. TrSeeker says:

    Deborrah TrSeeker Not a big fan of criticism are you?  While I did not attack you, you seem to have taken my response to your article highly personally.  As for ignorance… well… those truly are astounding articles that you have chosen to share as proof of your argument. However, you neglected to include them in the article that was written.  I will defend all who I see needing such including those lumped together irresponsibly by one trying to flesh out an article.  You were heavy handed with your percentages.  And if you are no aware of any Black man who has or is trying to be a better soul, then I weep for you.  May I suggest that if you do not want replies that differ from your own… remove the feature and only include a LIKE button.

  2. Deborrah says:

    justcommenting  Not true. There are lots of narcissists who admit what they are and will even explain it to you. Some of them are high level professional educators, psychologists, media personalities, physicians, attorneys, surgeons, etc. They are very aware of what they are doing and why. But that doesn’t change their innate personality.

  3. Deborrah says:

    ThgEscoe Nowhere did I say that there are women who do not possess this trait. But a woman WANTING something and a woman KILLING BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T GET IT are two different things. Only black men kill women over some crazy sense of entitlement and have the gall to use the bible to justify their abuses and reign of terror. Hating on a woman that looks nicer than you is also not a quality of narcissistic personality DISORDER. We are talking about a mental illness and you are talking about hairdos and wanting to be treated with respect. SMH.
    If black men were not walking around with their dick in their hand all the time, and had goals for themselves other than getting said dick wet in as many pussies as possible, they wouldn’t have to worry about a woman controlling them with sex! You have the power there, and you won’t die if nobody fucks you. However, women are raped and killed every day because narcissistic black men decide they want her even if she doesn’t want him back.
    A woman getting food stamps for her child is also not a part of a mental disease or a mental disorder.
    You all off on some other shit that has nothing to do with the article. You need to read it again and again so you understand what you see. Reading comprehension skills are very lacking in most American’s I’ve found. You all read the words, but cannot seem to grasp the context and meaning of the words you read.
    And when your narrow ass becomes a professional critic, you will have the right and ability to criticize my writing. Until then you just a fool with an opinion. And it means nothing to me.

  4. Deborrah says:

    TrSeeker- One thing I hate is ignorance. And women who come on a professional advice columnists and authors page and start personalizing her writing as being about “the types of men the writer has been familiar with and/or attracting” shows ignorance. Know whose site you are on before you get silly with that blaming shit. I don’t like it and don’t tolerate it around here.  You don’t have to “attract” anything. You don’t have to date a whacky black man to see the narcissistic personality disorder in full effect. Every time a young girl walks down the street and is accosted by some clowns commanding her to smile or give him or number, who then calls her bitches and ho’s or punches her or runs her down with his vehicle in anger because she rejected him, you are seeing evidence of narcissistic personality disorder displayed. Here are a few links so you can educate yourself on the widespread and deadly nature of this attitude in black males.

    He tried to kill her with a bowling ball because she refused to have a drink with him. A complete stranger.
    He mad cause she wanted to break up so he killed her and her five year old baby girl
    He mad cause he wanted to marry her and she said no.
    He was jealous she had moved on and killed her and her boyfriend
    He mad she paid too much attention to the baby so he punched the baby and killed her
    And there are dozens of such stories posted on the Facebook Page “This is Blackistan” where black men go beserk and kill women and children because “they mad”. FOH! Don’t defend these clowns to me. There are thousands of black women dead right now and that will be murdered over the course of this year due to some man’s belief that he has an innate RIGHT to control her pussy, her time, her energy, her whereabouts, her words, and even her clothing.

  5. Deborrah says:

    Icewater05 – Good for you. But you didn’t write the article, I did. And I have a prime understanding of mental illness especially when viewed in the context of black men displaying those behaviors towards black women. Its hardly male bashing unless the shoe fits you. If not, ignore it. Just like you would if I were talking about millionaire black men because that ain’t you either. You, by the fact that you got disturbed and offended by a general piece on the behaviors of black men towards black women where not one name was mentioned, show yourself to be suffering from the affliction yourself.

  6. Icewater05 says:

    You need to have a better understanding the disorder before trying to apply in the manner you did. you may  want to see if it applies to yourself as well, this is merely a veiled male bashing piece. I know plenty of men and women who this applies to.

  7. TrSeeker says:

    While I agree with the Narcissistic tendencies that tend to run rampant throughout our Black men, I totally disagree at the stated percentage.  With such a high number this article quickly goes from being informative to being more telling about the types of men the writer has been familiar with and/or attracting.  Even mentioning sociopaths in an article about Black men was unnecessary.  Yes, it refers to what the writer had been working on but also begins to prime the reader’s mind frame about Black men.   I was going to share this article as a fun read but… no matter what the narcissist thinks – Not all of our Black men ARE Kings.  And not all of us Black women are Queens.  No realm could function with all rulers.

  8. ThgEscoe says:

    If you are saying the black woman does not have these traits then I must believe you have NPD yourself.
    Black women hate on other women with better weave than them, so just imagine them hating on a more successful woman.
    Black women have a sense of entitlement second to none, and feel every man should kneel at their feet.
    Black women take advantage of a man’s sexual weakness to get what they want and often feel like they deserve a man that will take care of them, instead of generating their own worth.
    A black woman will hype herself up with NO accomplishments, and beg for applause when they take care of their seed, or get food stamps like its not an obligation.
    This article is horribly constructed, lacks scientific evidence, and is particularly biased. It would have been fair to say most black people have NPD instead of only black men. But you seem to posess some subconcious hate for your brothers. Clean up yourself old lady, hopefully in the next life you can have a better experience with black men, because your perspective is soley based on personal opinion, lacking a left brain logic/scientific analysis….

  9. justcommenting says:

    If you admit to narcissim that probably means you are not truly narcissistic.  Narcissists rarely admit to anything because they believe there is nothing wrong with them.   Maybe just develop a little extra compassion for those who are less fortunate than you even if you think they have landed where they are due to negligence.  None of us can truly put ourselves into the life or shoes of another so we can’t really judge why some are rich, some are poor, some are sick, some are healthy etc.  Slight tendencies to snobbism can be overcome.  NPD is a lot harder to change.  We are all a little snobby in some areas; even street people can be street snobs, so just try to show genuine respect to women and others that we are taught from childhood to think of as “inferior.”  Sometimes we aren’t aware we are doing it; a little humility goes a long way.  Also some femailes are narcissists and should be no more excused than male narcissists.  (Just giving you my narcissitic opinion…)

    • Deborrah says:

      Narcissists freely admit that is what they are. They can even explain to you WHY they are that way. And yes there are female narcissists, but nowhere near the percentage by gender as there are male narcissists.

  10. Rainshadow777 says:

    Everything said here is 110% true. The black men that I have dated that were not narcissistic are wonderful people whom I respect very much. Not every but most black man I have ever dated is a narcissist and so is my older brother.

    It took me years to realize my brother’s true nature. Only recently have I begun to rid myself via scripture from the negatively critical projections my brother has done throughout my childhood and young adult life. I have completely broken off all contact with him because this leaves him powerless when it comes to me.

    I could care less if I ever see or speak to him; my brother is nothing short of evil and has brainwashed my parents and many others; I can’t stand him!!!

  11. Frost0n says:

    Truly telling article, and relative amount of truth to it. There are portions of your article that I definitely find myself fitting into such as: Believes that he is “special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). I’ll be the first one to admit, I do display characteristics of those who have gone to school (secondary education) and feel that, because I’ve done what is viewed as nothing short of average or ordinary (that being going to University), I’m better than other “average” black males.

    But I think the problem runs deeper. When you’re constantly faced with teasing and taunting (from black males in middle/high school), you begin to develop a reason to disassociate yourself with such people… Also, going to school in such a large city, I can’t describe the amount of embarrasement I feel when I see homeless black people on the street, shamelessly begging for money, making rude comments to females, and shaking their cups of change in your face while not trying to do anything for themselves…
    Lastly, I’m Nigerian. My parents are fully born Nigerians, a majority of my family lives in Nigeria. What upsets me the most is when African Americans automatically assume that I’m African American and automatically expect me to associate myself with their communities… They claim that I’ve abandoned them, when in fact I’ve never really been a part of them seeing as, as I stated before, I am Nigerian. My parents worked relentlessly to educate themselves, move to America and build a life for themselves. I happen to be fortunate enough to have been educated and brought up in a suburb, but that doesn’t mean that I take any of it for granted.

    In fact, it adds a whole new element of stress – I feel the need to achieve similar if not more success than my parents have – all while having to deal with the constant taunting and criticism from a group of people who automatically associate themselves with me due to skin color. Again, I’m not self hating, in fact my closet  friends are African Americans – African Americans who happen to have the same values, manners, and goals in life as I do. I feel closer connected and more trusting of them than I do my Caucasian, middle eastern, Asian or Hispanic friends. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t be surprised if I suffer from some sort of variant of narcissistic personality disorder and I am definitely working on changing that.

  12. realbeautifulwomenwearscarves says:

    Amen Deborah~ especially the part about who is the rightful owner of responsibility for all these babies, wanted or unwanted. It is the men. People SEE a woman sentenced to the PHYSICAL phases of pregnancy, childbirth,child rearing and use the image to rationalize complacency in the balancing partner..the man.

    Do men understand that LIFE doesn’t solely play-out in the womb it simply starts ignites there? Upon the birthing of the child the environment dictates a hell of a lot. This portion of the development is squarely on the shoulders of the parents TOGETHER. But, I argue, with a special emphasis on the male contribution. His participation without a doubt IS a game changer on so many levels for the nuclear black family as well as the collective one.

    A woman’s true value becomes convoluted if she is worried about basic sh*t. Men are here to temper those basic conditions of the environment. Babies require their daddy to protect, secure and guide their new life with unconditional love, food, shelter and protection. So, men doing their portion (also a lot of work) will produce a WHOLE and balanced human being as opposed to one positioned for social deviancy, narcissism and apathy.

    The black community is just as dysfunctional as any other (relatively speaking) however we seem to be in some DEEP denial about what’s at stake if we don’t wake up DAILY take responsibility for the behaviors our history has bestowed upon us. No, it’s not fair but we ARE here and it’s OUR begrudged inheritance. I say Let’s make the best of it and take the DAILY responsibility to change it.

  13. joeclyde says:

    I really don’t understand this obsession with Black men. You think Black men are sociopaths. You basically are against marriage.

    Soooo. Date a white guy and move on.

    Or is all of this bickering sour grapes? This brow beating of Black men. Into supposedly taking Black women who seem not to find fault with anything they personally do. It is laughable at best. Delusional is more an appropriate description.

    It is clear to me. You believe Black skin, and the Black community. Makes horrible dating choices. So instead of constantly harping about “damaged” men that clearly don’t want you anyway. Spend more time brow beating White, and other races of men. Into why dating/marry a Black woman is a great option for them.

    Love/Respect is a two way street. You and some of your followers clearly have none for Black men. Why would you expect anything in return. Move on. Life is too short.

    • Deborrah says:

      What is never surprising to me is the defensiveness with which men that PROCLAIM themselves to be above and beyond the standard issue knucklehead, turn around and defend said knuckleheads. I guess its the bros before hos mentality, even when the men you bros are defending aren’t worth two cents on credit.

      No one here hates black MEN, what we hate are frauds, pereptrators, and game playing buttholes. Those are sadly in abundance in the world. Instead of griping about said fools running loose and women complaining about them, if you truly WERE the good man you like to pretend you are, you would be jumping on those guys asses too! You wouldn’t want them in the gene pool messing things up for your daughters, neices, sisters, and future granddaughters.

      But that is not what happens. Instead Black men defend other loser Black men with all they have. As if it should be okay for women to tolerate these less than impressive beasts roaming through the world and sullying the minds and hearts of women everywhere.

      You sir, have demonstrated by this post that you are no better than the fools we discuss and warn women about. You are one of them.

      • Real1 says:

        Nobody’s defending what some black men are doing. The problem is oftentimes all black men get lumped into the same category. Most of the “knucklehead” black men don’t care about what they’re doing, so any accountability from them is just not going to happen. Most of these men aren’t going to change either.

        No amount of complaining will change these men, but a lot of the women complaining are the ones, dating, marrying, and having children with these men.

        I do think a lot of young black males need mentoring. A lot of these so called “good black men” are doing nothing to improve their community. I’ve noticed that there are plenty of women to help and mentor other young black women. A lot of young black men are growing up without fathers, or any mentors, or strong role models in their community.

  14. blackcaesar says:

    Maybe I need to get my ears checked, but after having listened to the last show I came away with the idea that sociopaths are being raised into becoming sociopaths by parents who do not make babies feel their basic needs will be met. In other words, the anti-social behavior of men, particularly Black men, is due to the failure of Black women as mothers.

    So Deb, if you want to call 97% of Black men tainted with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disease) you need to corrale all these bad mothers into a class and teach them how to meet their babies’ basic needs. Teach them how to be affectionate with their babies, and not neglect them by leaving them in their stinkin’ diapers for hours at a time and picking them up when they cry. Sure, you can say the same thing for the often times absent father, but we all know that in every kind of people and every society it’s the mother who is the primary caregiver for infants.

    Also, that comment about the 3% of Black men not suffering from NPD being married to White women. Why do you make the desirable black man out to be married to white women. All these so called “desirable” Black men can’t be that desirable if they’re so filled with self-hate that they can’t even see the beauty in Black skin. You know Deb, anyway you want to slice it, it’s Black women who are raising Black boys, along with the “streets” and electronic media. So, if Black boys are turning out badly then you’ve got to point the finger of blame at those three culprits.

    And by the streets I do mean older boys/men immersed in a sort of daddy surrogate macho/hip hop culture.

    • Deborrah says:

      Yes, you do need to get your ears checked. LOL! They repeatedly said PRIMARY in INFANCY but not the sole way that children are socialized to be sociopaths. In other words, why would you blame all that on the Mom? The children have needs that require being met by BOTH parents, not just one! So if Mom is doing her job, but Dad is not there doing his, then yeah, the kid COULD (but not definitely) grow up to be a sociopath.

      So we are not going to the blame solely on Moms when fathers should be right there beside them meeting their baby’s needs as well. But where are they? On the corner, playing golf, putting in extra hours at work to escape the household responsibilities, bowling or softball league, watching television and shouting “the baby is crying!” instead of getting up to do something about it.

      It all comes back to lack of fathering in the black community. Black men grow up without their own father, and don’t have the faintest idea how to be one to their own child. Likewise with being a proper husband.

      Women are exhausted trying to be mother and father, wage earner, launderer, cook, housemaid, chauffeur, tutor, story reader, game cheerleader, etc all by themselves. Even when Dads are in the homes, their level of involvement with their own children tends to be very minimal. Children are viewed as a possession by men to brag about, not as little people that need their guidance, protection and support on a daily basis.

      I have been talking to some black psychotherapists about these issues after the show as I prepare for the upcoming show on childhood sexual abuse. Their take on it is that our very culture (black men gotta be hard, cold, get mine, fuck dem ho’s, get all da pussy no matter how you have to lie and manipulate, etc.) encourages sociopathic behaviors and attitudes in males towards those they perceive to be weaker – women and children and old people. We will be discussing it on more detail on the show on the 11th of December.

      • mslmh says:

        While I shouldn’t be surprised by the “blame the mother” routine. I can’t help it! It defies logic to blame the parent who is trying (no matter how effective or ineffective) and basically give the abandoning parent a pass. :O

        People with the above arguement never seem to ask if and how much better a child’s life would be if THE FATHER had been present to divide the labor of raising a family.

      • blackcaesar says:

        I concur with your estimation of our very culture with respect to black men. We cannot deny the fact that by almost all indicators of social well-being (life expectancy, drug/alcohol abuse, incarceration rates, two-parent homes, marriage rates, divorce rates, academic achievement, etc…) that Black Americans fair poorly and Black men in particular (this is why I read your usually constructive criticism of black men and do not simply tune you out). And any recovering alcoholic will tell you that the first step in recovering or getting better is admitting you have a problem. So, yes, we’re on the same page. But Deb, you just wrote that the Dr.’s said sociopaths are created PRIMARILY IN INFANCY by parents’ who do not make the baby feel as if it’s basic needs will be met. Now, I know that in an ideal world the baby daddy would have a connection with his own children, but that connection begins with being connected with the baby momma. I’m submitting to you that that connection never happens in most instances when black babies are born. To me, black people have sex first, have the baby second, and then they get to know about each other and maybe get married, if they’re rich like Carmello Anthony and La La. I guess you would blame that lack of connection on a misogynistic black male culture,and I would concur as the Dr.’s said on your show, but I would also put the blame on “too fast to jump in the sack” black women. It takes two to tango!

        • Deborrah says:

          You make it sound like every baby born out of wedlock is created from a one night stand or even a one month stand. That is so far from the truth its hilarious. I know for a fact (because its happened to me), that negroes will see you as someone they want to keep in a cage. You are too free, too smart, too adored, too everything. and they are envious. They know that the way to put a woman in a cage for months or even years and to make her vulnerable, needy, dependent and emotional is to make her pregnant. So that is what they seek to do. My own father warned me about guys that would try this game, so I was up on it before I even started dating. He warned me to always use my OWN condoms because dudes would think a middle class, cute and smart girl on her way somewhere was a gravy train to ride to glory. They would poke holes in condoms and diaphragms to get a woman pregnant with their child, then guilt trip you not to get an abortion. Of course this was before Plan B days, but who would know they were at risk to get pregnant if you had used birth control that you THOUGHT was working???

          There is no woman too fast to jump in the sack. That means you are placing responsibility solely on her to control a man’s behavior. He knows he is putting his sperm into a woman he doesn’t know much about or that he does know and knows he doesn’t want to be the mother of any children he has. So why is he screwing her??? If a baby comes out of it that he has to pay child support for, that is his fault. Should have kept it in his pants.

          This whole issue of child support, out of wedlock births, and all the problems connected to babies are the responsiblity of men. No woman can get pregnant by herself. So if these guys didn’t want a child, they would not be pressuring, coercing, or in any other way sleeping with a woman, or raping women or molesting underage minors and getting them pregnant. It takes just one to tango – the man.

          As for the sociopaths, they said primarily IN CHILDHOOD, not just infancy. And sociopaths are created as much by how they were treated as much as how they were not. That means if they are spoiled brats or abused, that is one way. But also if they are ignored, abandoned, left to fend for themselves, their emotional and attachment needs are not met, etc. Those needs are not exclusively MOTHER needs – the children feel abandoned, ignored, left behind and emotionally devastated by their FATHERS NOT BEING THERE FOR THEM as well. Remember that. A mother can only be a mother, she cannot, no matter how hard she tries, be a mother and a father to her children.

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