The 10 Reasons Your Goofy Butt Didn’t Get a Second Date

| 06/28/2009 | Comments (0)


Most single men and women are just like me… tired of dating and looking for a partner they can settle down with. After all, dating is stressful!  With each new person you meet there is excitement and hopeful anticipation.  Sadly most of us return home disappointed by the serious knuckleheads we meet – folks with no manners, that say stupid things, do stupid things, or with whom there is no chemistry.

Of course not every date is going to go the distance or anywhere at all.  But if you are one of those folks that have a hard time getting a second date with everyone you meet, it’s time to examine your behavior and make sure you aren’t making any of these horrific dating blunders.

  1. You Have Totally Unrealistic Expectations of a First Date.  If you expect a lot from a relative stranger, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.  Many of you head out to a first date fantasizing about a future and wondering if this person is your “soul mate.”  That is a MAJOR turnoff!  You don’t know crap about this individual’s personality, habits, history or family…yet here you sit fantasizing about how well his last name goes with yours, or how your children with her would look?
  2. You Don’t Understand What a “Date” Really Is.  To clarify for those that are confused, a “date” is merely time two people sit aside to get to know each other better.  That’s it and that’s all.  You are there to find out what you two may have in common, what you like about each other, what foundational moral and life goals you have to build on, and if there are any major red flags (such as a wife or husband at home) that would prevent you two from moving forward to date #2.
  3. You Allow Loneliness or Boredom to Influence Your Dating Choices.  Under this category are singles that accept an invitation for a date simply because they  have nothing else to do.  You repeatedly waste time with people you already know are inappropriate or ill suited.  Before you agree to a date you need to talk.  Ask questions that allow you to determine if this person has the basic qualities you are looking for, and if you meet similar standards for them. Religion, age, marital status, goals, previous children, employment, etc. are issues which should be pre- screened by telephone before you even THINK of going out.  If the answer to any of the important questions is “no!” or even “not really,” this is a date that should never happen.  Don’t waste your time feeling bad about there being no second one!
  4. Your Personalities Don’t Mesh.  No matter how attractive, smart or successful your date is, if you find yourself irritated, insulted, uncomfortable or offended there is probably a sound reason to avoid a second date.  Most people are on their best behavior early on due to the fact that they want to make a good impression.  Remember, if this is the best that s/he can do, you should bail sooner rather than later.
  5. You as a Date Are Socially Awkward or Boring.  Admittedly some people are shy and take a bit to warm up and relax, but I’m talking about people that have little to no social skills.  The fine nuances of small talk escape them.  Unless they are passionately discussing politics, the philosophy of Nietzsche, or quantum physics, they have nothing to talk about. If this is an issue on your dates, your date will view you as inept.  Looking at their watches as the minutes tick by, your dates may feel like convicts… can’t wait to be paroled and outta there!
  6. You Over Shared and Scared Him or Her Away.   Some singles are so anxious for love that they tell every single thing about themselves on the first date.  How many children they want to have, a history of drug abuse or alcoholism, how your exes all cheated and hurt you, your battle with depression, and stories of psycho stalker exes all fall under this category.  Sure you want to be known and loved for who and what you are, but there is no need to air all your dirty laundry as soon as you meet someone you like!  In the early days of dating, these types of revelations are usually too much to handle comfortably.  Rather than stick around and try to deal with your issues and baggage, most people will bolt for greener pastures.
  7. You Tried Too Hard to Impress.  Men are often guilty of going overboard and spending too much money on a woman they barely know.  Some become resentful when they don’t get what they think they “deserve” since they spent their little money.  Other singles (both men and women) are overly accommodating and come across as spineless, desperately needy and weak.  Neither of those options are likely to get you a second date with a person looking for an equal, a strong partner, and a true friend.
  8. You Said or Did Something Totally Inappropriate.   This happens quite frequently, actually. Some single women get overly personal (aka gold-diggerish), and ask about salary or the value of your home, investments or retirement accounts.  Sure you want to know that the man you are dating is fiscally responsible and financially solvent (since you are looking for a husband), but do you really need to get knee deep in his personal business on the first date? And men, you guys often think they are giving a compliment when in reality they are being overtly sexual. A “nice” woman will put off and her feelings hurt by your behavior, and she won’t want to see you again.  Sure, a girl likes to be viewed as attractive by a man she is out with, but no solid woman looking for a real relationship wants to be objectified.  It is best to be a gentleman and treat women you date with respect and courtesy at all times.  When she is ready for more, she’ll let you know!
  9. You Came Across as Cheap, Arrogant, Incompetent or Lacking in Couth.  You may not think it a big deal to be rude to the waiter, but your date (who is now a successful business owner) may have put himself through college waiting tables.  You’ve asked a young woman out, but at the end of the date the bill comes and you have the nerve to tell her what her share is.  Throughout the date you go on and on about your brilliance, your accomplishments and awards, and your education while spending little to no time learning about your date’s accomplishments or history.  Your exposure to other cultures, races, foods and wines is so limited that you sound like an unsophisticated country hick.  Some of you yak on your cell or text friends, which of course makes your date feel unimportant and ignored.  In the examples provided, such rudeness will have a negative impact your date’s opinion.  Do not be surprised when no one wants to be bothered with you for a second date.
  10. The Date Was Nice but There Was No Heat…No Chemistry.  A date may be compatible on paper (per your Aunt Alma that arranged things), but if you two don’t have a mutual spark of interest, the relationship won’t advance to the next date.  No matter how much you might have been attracted to your date, if the feeling wasn’t mutual accept that it wasn’t meant to be.  Chalk this one up to experience and press on!

Dating with a focus on what you really need, and presenting yourself in the most attractive and positive light you can will greatly increase your chances of a second date.  Having that second date gives you the opportunity to relax a bit more (since you now know this person), and allows your date the opportunity to see just how wonderful you really are!

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Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder

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