Jerks, Assholes, Idiots and Abusive Men: Recognizing Verbal Abuse

| 08/14/2009 | Comments (12)

It occurred to me a few days ago that many of the negative attitudes Black men exhibit towards, and the nasty words Black men say to women are in fact verbal abuse.

Women have been socialized to brush these behaviors aside and treat them casually by labeling these Brothas as jerks, assholes, and idiots.  We roll our eyes in disgust, and most women do their best to ignore the behaviors, but the anger and rage must be dealt with in some way.

Personally, I think this pent up rage and the buried hurts are the chief reasons Black women are overweight… depressed eating to assuage our anger. But no amount of food can fill the cracks in a woman’s soul. We may laugh it off, but deep down inside we know that we have been disrespected personally and as a group, as one Black man after another attempts to demonstrate his superiority and promote his agenda of entitlement.

I’ve observed men like this bristle when an intelligent, assertive Black women stands up to them and calls them on their crap.  Watch for defensive, angry responses.

You’ll get hit with things like “you’re a stupid bitch!” or “That’s why you’re single!” or “I don’t want to hear all that shit from you woman!” like you are supposed to shut up because he said so, or be depressed that you aren’t married to an asshole like him, or be sad that you are an assertive powerful woman that he feels the need to bring down to his level with name calling and insults.

Since I’ve seen so much of this behavior the past few months, I decided to write and share this important information with readers.  There are many ways a man can abuse a woman, but I’ve narrowed the list down to five key points to watch for.  What follows is an explanation of the primary ways a negative attitude towards women and a propensity towards abuse of females is demonstrated by verbally abusive Black men:

  • He is disrespectful and condescending.  Your questions are met with a sarcastic response and eye rolling. Your thoughts and opinions are ridiculed with laughter and often gender-based jokes or stabbing personal attacks which he later claims were “just in fun.” He constantly twists around what you say so that you feel the need to re-explain and defend your position. If you say “no” he feels entitled to ignore you and continue to wheedle, whine, demand or guilt-trip you into giving him what he wants. You’ll notice that he interrupts and talks over you frequently, especially when others are around.  Sometimes he doesn’t listen to you at all and wants you to know he isn’t listening by turning up the volume on the television set, or plugging in his IPod.  When you have a problem and ask for his assistance, your request is met with eye rolling, contemptuous snorts, or harsh words of criticism.  He attempts to define your reality by telling you what you shouldn’t think or feel, in an effort to establish himself as the final authority on all matters concerning you.
  • He refuses to take responsibility for his nasty behavior or failures, irresponsibility, or the associated problems he has caused himself.  In other words, nothing is ever his fault.  He makes promises that he doesn’t keep and constantly disappoints you and others that are depending on him.  Somehow if you complain about his behavior, he turns things around to guilt trip you, to position himself as the victim. He has a never-ending list of excuses for abandoning you, disappointing you, or behaving inappropriately. An oft-demonstrated behavior amongst Black men is to do something irresponsible (such as have unprotected sex because it feels better), then rail on and complain to anyone that will listen that he shouldn’t have to pay child support because he didn’t want a child and “she should have kept her legs closed.”  The same attitudes apply to women that are sexually assaulted, as these guys feel somehow she should have fought harder, not worn what she wore to get men excited, or got a better lock for her door. In essence he and other men with his sick mentality blame women for their lust, sense of entitlement, and lack of self control.
  • He attempts to intimidate you with his temper and anger. You notice that he moves in closely when he’s angry in an attempt to intimidate you by crowding your personal space. He pushes you, grabs your arm or hair, or does something to pin you down and or block your exit from the room, chair or bed.  When you resist he demands that you listen to him and cusses, yells or screams at you.  He may punch or kick nearby walls or furniture, or draw back and stop right before his fist connects with some part of your body.  Even if he doesn’t do those things, he threatens to “slap the shit out of you” or says things like “you don’t know who you are messing with, bitch!” He wants to make you flinch, jump and feel frightened. That is the reaction he is looking for because it makes him feel powerful and in control.
  • He has nasty attitudes about women. You may realize that you’ve never heard him say one nice thing about the entire female gender. Every story he tells about women presents females as crooks, whores, liars, conniving manipulative bitches, stupid and generally inferior to males. Women are always wrong in his world, no matter what they do. In his mind the only appropriate place for women is at home cooking and raising babies. He may use even attempt to use the word of God in a pseudo theological manner to shore up his argument that men are superior and you need to do as you’re told.
  • His belief system is clearly based on double standards. He can go places, do things and say things freely that you, as a mere woman, are not entitled to.  He can speak up whenever he wants (even interrupting and talking over you to do it). But to you he says there is a time and a place for you to voice your complaints, and he is the sole party with the right to determine that time and place.  He wants you to take his complaints and opinions seriously.  However your opinions about him are met with scoffing comments that declare you to be too sensitive, a person that can’t take a joke, a complaining bitch, or a typical woman that takes everything the wrong way.

These are all strategies that abusive men use, usually exhibited over a period of time in a recognizable pattern. The bottom line goal for Black men of this type is to belittle and insult you so much that you shut down.  Abusive men use these tactics regularly to derail your confidence and prevent you from voicing an opinion about his nasty words, his disrespectful behavior or his sexist thinking.  He wants to be able to treat you any way he likes, and for you to take it without complaint.

This guy’s ultimate goal is to discredit you in every way possible, and invalidate you as a person with her own thoughts, beliefs and desires worthy of being listened to.  By presenting you and all Black women as illegitimate scum, he sets things up so that he doesn’t have to ever listen or be accountable to a woman.  He has therefore eliminated any obligation he might have to change.

Black women must learn to avoid making excuses for men that behave in these disrespectful, manipulative ways. Don’t make excuses for disrespectful treatment, violence and cruel words.

If you are dating a man that calls you names, stands you up, discounts your thoughts and opinions as stupid, or turns things around to somehow make you responsible for his behavior, cut him loose promptly. If the man you call your partner does or says anything that lets you know he is lying, cheating or flirting with other women, cut him loose right away.  If he does or says anything that makes you feel small, unimportant, or not entitled to independence and freedom, cut him loose immediately.

Remember, there isn’t a woman alive that can change a man.  He has to want to change, and he has to make the change all on his own.  You can’t help him.  Accept the fact that men like this cannot change until they deal head on with their sense of superiority and entitlement.  Avoid becoming involved with or emotionally attached to such individuals until they do.

An article which may be of interest:  Stockholm Syndrome – The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

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Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder

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  1. cutiton says:

    Deborrah, I’m just now reading this article but I wish I was able to read it back in 2009. At 27, I was really going through it back then. The lame O, I wasted time on was 38. I remember how I used to think dating an older man would somehow be better even if things didn’t work out. While that maybe true for a majority of women of other races, it seems to be in reverse for bw. Since most of these bm were not reared to be good husbands and fathers whether they had two parents or not they are worthless to any decent, Christian-minded woman. I just don’t get why more bw don’t see the entire picture when it comes to observing these bm’s ill behavior toward women in general but many of us, myself included, were raised to defend bm and sympathize with their sorrow because of the oppressions of white folk. It didn’t dawn on me until my mid 20s that these fools rarely return the favor. They usually spit in your face in some form for it instead.
    I also like what you said about one of the reasons why bw may tend to be over weight. I’m glad that I’m not the only one who noticed that. I have been stressing this throughout various forums. While I don’t have an issue with weight I see it often in other bw. We have always been shunned when it comes to expressing our dislikes about how bm or people in general mistreat and disrespect us publicly & in private. We are an unprotected group of women in this country who have to fend for ourselves most of the time. Our form of security comes in the form of a degree and a guard dog in the backyard. We learn to internalize that hurt and frustration then we hide it by proclaiming to be strong and independent. Many of us, including myself, are mules but there is nothing great about being that tough as a women. I’m ready to be that damsel distress. I’m sick of being expected to be the strong one while women of other races get catered to in times of need. Anyway, my point is that it is of no surprise that many bw over eat. If you was constantly told that as a woman you do not meet the criteria of what is considered beautiful, classy, or smart when you watch tv, listen to radio, read magazines, and step outside, etc, you’re constantly referred to as being angry or unfairly categorized by men who look like you(Chris Rock, Kevin Hart, Eddie Murphy, Lil’Wayne, P-Diddy, Fabulous, etc) in entertainment & even male family members, coworkers, and/or classmates are constantly degrading & mislabeling you by negative and false stereotypes that THEY created then what the hell do they expect. We are not even valued when it comes to crimes such as murder, rape, battery, and robbery. Though all of this is a backlash from many, many years of various types of oppression this country has placed on us, we as Black Americans are also to be blamed at this point. It has always been acceptable for misguided blame to be placed on the women and we as bw have been taught to accept this blame for everything wrong amongst our community. Hell, we’ll even blame other bw when it is clearly not their fault.

    Then health-wise, we must understand that standards are met by the majority not the minority. For example, a bw might have 38-44 hips, 22 waist, and 36 chest and be in great shape. But according to standards placed by Anglo-saxons this woman with the full bottom is overweight. This is not always the case, I’m just making a point. 
    To add to this issue most bw, like most heterosexual women of all races, want to have a relationship with the opposite sex. It is completely normal to want a mate to share life and/or have a family with. Though times are changing especially with younger women, bw still tend to prefer bm over other races of men. Forget all the nonsense about how non-bm don’t want us in reality many sistas desire to be with a bm and will settle for one who is 10 steps beneath her with hopes that he will do better. Women of all races do this as well. It is so silly to use excuses like, “Women choose who they wanna be with” or suggest that black women simply not date the losers. My favorite is when we’re told that we should go to the store or library to meet a good bm or we should’ve some how magically known that the bm we became involved with wasn’t any good. How about bm stop being trifling, disease carrying, seed spreading, disrespectful, criminal minded, lying, cheating, Godless, abusive, dysfunctional baffoons? In reality, the losers and time wasters out number the normal (decent, stable minded) in our race of men. Yes, non-bw come across some major losers and dogs as well but the fact is that our options are much more limited due to our circumstances. Then the sad and crazy part is that we get blamed for it and many of us just sit there and take it. Why won’t bw open their eyes? As much as I don’t care to use celebrities as examples just look at many of the successful bw in entertainment, whether they are seen as unattractive or not. Why is it that they don’t even date bm? Why are some not all, full blooded (offspring to two black parents) bw in showbiz more likely to be made fun of and considered ugly when their white counterparts are never mentioned? E.g. Oprah, Star Jones, Whoopi Goldberg, Tina Turner, Eve, Robin Givens. 
    Those damn bw, why are they usually single regardless of how they look or act? Sure they could have kids out of wed lock and have Pookie come kick it every now and then to fill that empty void from not being able to find that desired mate. The real reason is options are LIMITED when it comes to quality black men. Has anyone seen what real life, non-black married women look and act like? FARRR from perfect, I pay attention and other bw should also. They come in various sizes and shapes with a variety of mindsets and beliefs. Then you will automatically realize that that nonsense the media and stupid bm put on us is BULLSHIT. To those mindless idiots who blame bw and claim that they should not deal with those lowlife bm, I say then our race would be on the verge of extinction because we bw have needs to and we don’t like being single all the fucking time. We want and deserve companionship also so we take the chance and hope for the best. Many times, we are also not raised to pick quality mates because daddy was not around and mama didn’t know a good man either.

    Anyways, like Obama, it is time for a change. We might not be able to change the conditioned minds of most black men and some silly bw but we can definitely start with teaching the youth the truth.

  2. cutiton says:

    …Your message appears to sound good but you really just don’t get it. Sounds like the typical bm or conditioned bw placing the blame where it does not belong…on the woman.

  3. cutiton says:

    @Raz …SMH

  4. Spill says:

    Hi Deborrah, this is an awesome article! Much more attention needs to be paid to the phenomenon of absolute HATRED against black women especially black MOTHERS that is becoming pervasive in our society.

    I, too, was married to a fcuking asshole, I have corresponded with you a few times about this over the years. In summary, this man treated me like shyt (I’ll not go into detail here, it was daily emotional, verbal and financial abuse for several years, almost destroyed me), then when I ended the marriage finally he dragged me through the mud during the divorce and custody battle.

    He trashed my reputation, humiliated me, doesn’t have to pay any child support, and kept almost all of the marital assets. Everyone blames the woman in these situations, the popular wisdom is there must be something wrong with you if he is fighting you, you are crazy, a goldigger, etc. And deserve what you are getting. Other women are the worst, believe it or not, there is very little support.

    Then, when you go places with your children you have to have a thick skin because the disrespect from people is constant, treating you like “ok, here’s another black woman with children and no husband SMDH” when they know nothing of your situation as you struggle to provide a good life for your children.

    I was very fortunate because I am educated and able to make money when I separated, but it has still been a tough transition. Meanwhile, the father is treated like God everywhere he goes, and as if he can do no wrong just for being involved with his kids…doing what he is supposed to do….and not held accountable for how he treats his children’s mother, SMDH!

    We need more awareness and LAWS that protect women from abuse in ALL its forms including verbal, emotional and financial.

  5. I WAS MARRIED TO A VERY ABUSIVE, CONTROLING NAD MANIPULATIVE BLACK MAN, HE PRACTICALLY DESTROYED MY LIFE. HE PREYED ON HOW MY FAMILY FELT ABOUT ME AND USED IT TO HIS ADAVANTAGE. I WAS VERY YOUNG AND GREEN WHEN I MET HIM, AND WAS VERY SHELTERED. I HAD NO VOICE ,I WAS INNONCENT, WITH VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM AND WAS AFRAID OF THE WORLD.
    HE WAS OLDER AND WAS VERY MANIPULIATIVE, WHEN I TRIED TO BREAK OFF FROM HIM HE WOULD PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH, CHOKE ME OR BEAT ME. THEN HE WOULD BUY GIFTS TO TRY AND MAKE UP FOR WHAT HE HAD DONE.
    ONE OF THE WORST EXPERINCE I HAD WITH HIM IS ONE DAY I ASKED HIM TO WATCH OUR DAUGHTER WHILE I WENT TO WORK. HE TOOK ME TO WORK IN MY CAR, I DISCOVERED A PICTURE OF A NAKED FEMALE THAT I HAD SEEN PRIOR AND ASKED HIM ABOUT IT. HE AND I BEGAN TO ARGUE, WHEN I HAD ARRIVED AT MY JOB HE WAS STILL ARGUING; HE WANTED ME TO CONTINUE THE ARGUMENT I WENT INTO THE JOB AND HE PUT MY BABY DAUGHTER OUT OF THE CAR ON THE SIDEWALK. AN EMPLOYEE TOLD ME THAT MY BABY WAS ON THE SIDEWALK, I CAME OUT OF THE JOB TO GET MY DAUGHTER AND PUT HER INTO THE CAR HE BEGAN CHASING ME. I RAN ACROSS INTO A STORE AND HE CHASED ME INTO THE STORE TO BEAT ME. THE PEOPLE IN THE STORE LOOKED AT HIM AS IF THEY WOULD HURT HIM HE FINALLY LEFT. HE WOULD TAKE MY TWO CHILDREN TO HIS PARENT’S HOME AND SPEND THE DAYS GETTING HIGH AND ENTERTAINING FRIENDS. I HAD MOVED TO CULVER CITY AND HE CAME BEGGING AND MAKING PROMISES THAT HE HAD CHANGED. HE WORKED BUT HE NEVER PAID ANY BILLS. ONE DAY HIS RELATIVES CAME OVER AND I HAD ASKED HIM TO GO AND GET SOME MILK, HE CALLED ME A BITCH AND ORDERED ME TO GO AND GET THE MILK MYSELF. ONETIME WHEN I HAD CLEANED UP MY HOME , AND CAME HOME FROM WORK HE WAS HAVING A PARTY WITH A WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO HIM, IT WAS OBLIOUSLY THAT THEY WERE TOGETHER . WHEN HE AND I WENT TO HIS BROTHERS HOUSE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, HE HAD PRETENDED THAT HE WAS SLEEPING AND HIS BROTHER WAS PULLING ME SO THAT I WOULD GO TO BED WITH HIM, I TRIED TO WAKE HIM UP BUT HE CONTINUED TO PRETEND THAT HE WAS SLEEP. WE FINALLY LEFT BUT HIS BROTHER HAD ALREADY RAPED ME ABOUT 6 MONTHS PRIOR TO THIS INCIDENT! WE BROKE UP FINALLY WHEN HE TRIED TO BEAT ME, I TOLD HIM THAT I HAD ALREADY CALLED THE POLICE. HE LEFT TRYING TO AVOID THE POLICE I THREW HIS CLOTHES AND RING OUT OF THE WINDOW ON HIS HEAD. LATER I HAD MOVED ALL OF MY FURNITURE OUT OF THE HOUSE AND ME AND MY TWO CHILDREN MOVE INTO ANOTHER HOME. I NEVER WENT BACK WITH HIM BUT I HAD A BITTER HATE FOR HIM FOR MANY YEARS. HE EVENTUALLY BECAME A HOPELESS CRACK ADDICT, AND HAD DIED IN HIS MID 40TIES AFTER HE HAD BECAME A COMPLETELY INCAPACITATED.

    • Rachael says:

      just to let you know asshole men come in all colors shapes and sizes sweety. I have been in a controlling relationship for about a year now and I absolutely hate it. The scum bags make u feel there faults are because of u and they put u down so much u feel where do i go what do i do. My ass hole guy throws shit at me. squeezes bruises on my legs to make me hurt even more. So much i try and hide from my family and i am sick of it. He tries to keep me from my family. Controls everything. If i go 4 coffee with a girlfriend i have a time limit like he’s my daddy or something. Each day that goes by i am realizing more and more what i do not want! Sexually i get no satisfaction and he gets off every time what a shame and what a waste i am 28years old and this loser is 40. I am not even allowed to watch a program on tv he will shut off the tv and the satellite and disconnect everything just for more control. I feel stuck and everyday i am waiting for a change and i kn ow nothing is going to happen til’ i leave. He’s also a drunk so when he drinks i dread them days because the abuse is even worse. He tries to knock me down physically and emotionally. plays alot of head games with previous women he has been with, i heard the stories from other women they left because they got pushed etc. and i was the dumbass that knew better. He will offer to buy me shit from time to time but then he just does that to use it against me. he is the worst guy i have ever been with by far!! what keeps me holding on nowhere to go! Or so he thinks!!!

  6. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah Cooper said: #dating #relationships Jerks Assholes Idiots and Abusive Behaviors – Recognizing Verbal Abuse. http://bit.ly/3JtopC […]

  7. Rose M. says:

    Are young men being socialized by the hiphop culture, internet? disinterested parents what is happening?

    @Raz, I think the answer to your is as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., would have pointed out ” a both and…”

    Hip Hop provides some of the most misogynystic images of women, especially African-American Women but hip op artists are not the orginators or the only perpetrators of this type of behavior, it’s so ingrained in our society that one can barely watch a commercial without a little bit of it spilling over. Add the high number of single parent homes in this culture and Internet that provides pornography and other illicit information about women and sex and you have a formula for a “hot misogynist mess”.

    I wish someone would write an article about how this whole notion of “ghetto fabulousness and pimping” has infiltrated our culture and relationships (and not necessarily for the good). Maybe I should take a stab at but I’d love to hear what Deborrah thinks about it. I’m a little late getting back to this but thanks for the response.

  8. Raz says:

    Good point Rose and thanks for pointing that out about blaming the mothers on how they raise their son. Men are responsible too. I read her article on “Beeyatch made men in the dating field” and based on the reality that a lot of sons are raised by single mothers who play a much more influential role in their lives than the absentee fathers. This doesn’t make it right nor does it absolve the father from not being there being an active parent to his son. You’re right a parent can do all that they can do and sons can bow to outside influences such as ‘peer pressure’ or they can rebel because the father isn’t home.
    I think this article points to the fact that this phenomenon of misogyny against women is indeed growing rapidly and perhaps a scientific study should be conducted as to what are the origins of more and more men with this attitude towards women. Are young men being socialized by the hiphop culture, internet? disinterested parents what is happening?

  9. Rose M. says:

    @Raz,
    I read your post and agreed with a good deal of it up until you made the point that behind every sorry azz man there was some mother out there who contributed to it. With a statement like that, once again the blame goes back to the woman or women in general. And as a single parent, I especially take exception to the comment.

    BTW, I am a college and seminary educated female doing everything in her power to raise my son (I only have one), to not only respect women but to be a leader and a visionary and take personal responsibility for his own life. And while a mother may have contributed somewhat to some of those “sorry azz man” deficiencies, no one ever has or is ever going to be a perfect parent that does everything right.

    Therefore, that mother is not solely responsible for her son’s shortcomings (any or all of them). How about adding to the equation that man himself and/or his father or lack thereof and/or the males in his community, who didn’t step up or step in to model what a responsible man is or does for that young man? Furthermore, many young men learn to cheat on and/or abuse women from their fathers or other male relatives or males, and the way he’s been socialized in general. On the other hand, young women often learn that abuse is acceptable or that they should stay in those situations from their mothers.

    Also, what if that man had a mother and father or simply a mother, who was more than competent as a parent, but he still chose to be or behave in ways that makes him come off as an “ass” anyway?

    Finally, women have enough responsibilities and burdens to bear, so placing the onus on them for the lack of worthy mates for women today isn’t helpful, either. No, I don’t believe in parenting that leads to “beyatch made men” but I also believe in blaming just one gender or parent for how a child or young man turns out (as if he didn’t or doesn’t have a role to play in his own destiny or that others outside the home didn’t also have some influence) is just as inaccurate as blaming a sorry ass man’s behavior on his mother who “parented” him wrong.

    I don’t think it’s that simple. Are you a parent? Have you ever been a parent? Step away from the generalizations. UGHHH!!!!

  10. Raz says:

    This is a great article and one that is empowering for women. Too often women have unknowingly become victimized by men exhibiting these behaviors. While the physical abuse is obvious, the emotional and verbal abuse often flies under the radar but is just as damaging. All too often women will brush the negative behaviors of men aside saying ‘well you know how he is’. Still it doesn’t make it easier to bear.

    Men are indeed intimidated by a woman who stands up to their crap and calls them on it. They immediately feel the woman has no right to speak up when she is being mistreated. She is supposed to know her place. When a woman is constantly getting that tight feeling in her chest and stomach after encountering a man, that is her body telling her this is not a healthy situation. When the thought of dealing with him brings about anxiety, this is a warning sign. Often women learn to tune out their body’s warning signs and then wonder why they are on medications for stress, high blood pressure and all sorts of other medical issues. Their hair falls out, they gain weight. All because they constantly subject themselves to a poisonous environment. Thanks for this article and for pointing out the signs.

    Let me add that one shouldn’t wait to experience ALL of the signs. If a woman is experiencing any one of the signs repeatedly she has a problem! There are varying degrees of the signs. Some men don’t use physical abuse, but they can wield their words like weapons and can flay the emotional skin off of you with their words. Emotional and verbal abuse is every bit as damaging if not more so than physical abuse. People rarely recover from the scars inflictedon their psyche. No man is worth a woman’s sound mind, body, spirit and soul. You can do just fine without dealing with that crap.

    Let that man go if all you are with him for is sex and money. Get a second job, do what you have to do to protect yourself establish a support system with your friends and family. A man isn’t worth your life being miserable. Women only get one life, don’t waste it on a man who makes you more UNhappy than Happy.

    And mothers stop raising these boys into men who hate and despise women. I don’t know what these mothers are out here doing, but these boys are not growing up into men who respect and even like women. They are growing up with the mentality that women are there to ‘serve’ them. Behind every sorry azz man, there was some mother out there who contributed to it. Read some books on parenting young boys. There is a lot of literature out there. Just because you can give birth to a child, doesn’t make you into a parent.That is a learned skill. So go out and learn how to do it properly and raise these boys into men who will be worthy mates of the woman out there today.

  11. Rose M. says:

    Well said. Thank-you.

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