Jerks, Assholes, Idiots and Abusive Behaviors: Recognizing Verbal Abuse
It occurred to me a few days ago that many of the negative attitudes Black men exhibit towards, and the nasty words Black men say to women are in fact verbal abuse.
Women have been socialized to brush these behaviors aside and treat them casually by labeling these Brothas as jerks, assholes, and idiots. We roll our eyes in disgust, and most women do their best to ignore the behaviors, but the anger and rage must be dealt with in some way.
Personally, I think this pe
nt up rage and the buried hurts are the chief reasons Black women are overweight… depressed eating to assuage our anger. But no amount of food can fill the cracks in a woman’s soul. We may laugh it off, but deep down inside we know that we have been disrespected personally and as a group, as one Black man after another attempts to demonstrate his superiority and promote his agenda of entitlement.
I’ve observed men like this bristle when an intelligent, assertive Black women stands up to them and calls them on their crap. Watch for defensive, angry responses.
You’ll get hit with things like “you’re a stupid bitch!” or “That’s why you’re single!” or “I don’t want to hear all that shit from you woman!” like you are supposed to shut up because he said so, or be depressed that you aren’t married to an asshole like him, or be sad that you are an assertive powerful woman that he feels the need to bring down to his level with name calling and insults.
Since I’ve seen so much of this behavior the past few months, I decided to write and share this important information with readers. There are many ways a man can abuse a woman, but I’ve narrowed the list down to five key points to watch for. What follows is an explanation of the primary ways a negative attitude towards women and a propensity towards abuse of females is demonstrated by Black men:
- He is disrespectful and condescending. Your questions are met with a sarcastic response and eye rolling. Your thoughts and opinions are ridiculed with laughter and often gender-based jokes or stabbing personal attacks which he later claims were “just in fun.” He constantly twists around what you say so that you feel the need to re-explain and defend your position. If you say “no” he feels entitled to ignore you and continue to wheedle, whine, demand or guilt-trip you into giving him what he wants. You’ll notice that he interrupts and talks over you frequently, especially when others are around. Sometimes he doesn’t listen to you at all and wants you to know he isn’t listening by turning up the volume on the television set, or plugging in his IPod. When you have a problem and ask for his assistance, your request is met with eye rolling, contemptuous snorts, or harsh words of criticism. He attempts to define your reality by telling you what you shouldn’t think or feel, in an effort to establish himself as the final authority on all matters concerning you.
- He refuses to take responsibility for his nasty behavior or failures, irresponsibility, or the associated problems he has caused himself. In other words, nothing is ever his fault. He makes promises that he doesn’t keep and constantly disappoints you and others that are depending on him. Somehow if you complain about his behavior, he turns things around to guilt trip you, to position himself as the victim. He has a never-ending list of excuses for abandoning you, disappointing you, or behaving inappropriately. An oft-demonstrated behavior amongst Black men is to do something irresponsible (such as have unprotected sex because it feels better), then rail on and complain to anyone that will listen that he shouldn’t have to pay child support because he didn’t want a child and “she should have kept her legs closed.” The same attitudes apply to women that are sexually assaulted, as these guys feel somehow she should have fought harder, not worn what she wore to get men excited, or got a better lock for her door. In essence he and other men with his sick mentality blame women for their lust, sense of entitlement, and lack of self control.
- He attempts to intimidate you with his temper and anger. You notice that he moves in closely when he’s angry in an attempt to intimidate you by crowding your personal space. He pushes you, grabs your arm or hair, or does something to pin you down and or block your exit from the room, chair or bed. When you resist he demands that you listen to him and cusses, yells or screams at you. He may punch or kick nearby walls or furniture, or draw back and stop right before his fist connects with some part of your body. Even if he doesn’t do those things, he threatens to “slap the shit out of you” or says things like “you don’t know who you are messing with, bitch!” He wants to make you flinch, jump and feel frightened. That is the reaction he is looking for because it makes him feel powerful and in control.
- He has nasty attitudes about women. You may realize that you’ve never heard him say one nice thing about the entire female gender. Every story he tells about women presents females as crooks, whores, liars, conniving manipulative bitches, stupid and generally inferior to males. Women are always wrong in his world, no matter what they do. In his mind the only appropriate place for women is at home cooking and raising babies. He may use even attempt to use the word of God in a pseudo theological manner to shore up his argument that men are superior and you need to do as you’re told.
- His belief system is clearly based on double standards. He can go places, do things and say things freely that you, as a mere woman, are not entitled to. He can speak up whenever he wants (even interrupting and talking over you to do it). But to you he says there is a time and a place for you to voice your complaints, and he is the sole party with the right to determine that time and place. He wants you to take his complaints and opinions seriously. However your opinions about him are met with scoffing comments that declare you to be too sensitive, a person that can’t take a joke, a complaining bitch, or a typical woman that takes everything the wrong way.
These are all strategies that abusive men use, usually exhibited over a period of time in a recognizable pattern. The bottom line goal for Black men of this type is to belittle and insult you so much that you shut down. Abusive men use these tactics regularly to derail your confidence and prevent you from voicing an opinion about his nasty words, his disrespectful behavior or his sexist thinking. He wants to be able to treat you any way he likes, and for you to take it without complaint.
This guy’s ultimate goal is to discredit you in every way possible, and invalidate you as a person with her own thoughts, beliefs and desires worthy of being listened to. By presenting you and all Black women as illegitimate scum, he sets things up so that he doesn’t have to ever listen or be accountable to a woman. He has therefore eliminated any obligation he might have to change.
Black women must learn to avoid making excuses for men that behave in these disrespectful, manipulative ways. Don’t make excuses for disrespectful treatment, violence and cruel words.
If you are dating a man that calls you names, stands you up, discounts your thoughts and opinions as stupid, or turns things around to somehow make you responsible for his behavior, cut him loose promptly. If the man you call your partner does or says anything that lets you know he is lying, cheating or flirting with other women, cut him loose right away. If he does or says anything that makes you feel small, unimportant, or not entitled to independence and freedom, cut him loose immediately.
Remember, there isn’t a woman alive that can change a man. He has to want to change, and he has to make the change all on his own. You can’t help him. Accept the fact that men like this cannot change until they deal head on with their sense of superiority and entitlement. Avoid becoming involved with or emotionally attached to such individuals until they do.
An article which may be of interest: You Can’t Tell an Abuser by Looking at Them
Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder
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