Rejection and Dating – Why Rejection Hurts

. 11/09/2009 . 7 Comments

Rejection…when it hurts, it hurts like HELL. For most humans, rejection leaves one swimming in a sea of diminished self worth, drawn up into a proverbial ball, licking one’s wounds. In our society rejection takes many forms and may be compounded by racial or gender slurs, religious or political conflict, and denial of legal rights to equitable housing, salaries and job opportunities. But for most singles, the rejection that hurts the most is experienced when we want someone to love us the way we love them, and they let us know that they’re not interested.

You can teach a child about life and death, and about good or bad. We teach our young how to tie their shoes and eat by themselves, and even to do trigonometry. However, teaching a child about how to deal with rejection is something many parents don’t put on their little darling’s educational calendar.

That’s too bad.

Rejection is as much a part of life as breathing. Dealing with rejection successfully is a valuable skill set which could mean the difference between failure and the highest levels of achievement in life. Why? Because those that are afraid of rejection sit on the bench of life and remain bystanders. These folks are so afraid of losing that they never take their turn at bat, so of course they can never hit a home run either. They are so afraid of a losing, of looking silly, of not getting what they want that they never step to the plate and take a swing at the ball.

What they don’t realize is that rejection may hurt, but never under any circumstances should rejection ever be taken personally.

rejection, bad date,, no second date, breaking up, dealing with rejection, getting over rejection

Few of us want to intentionally hurt others, so it’s safe to assume that whoever rejected you will most likely choose a method of rejection that causes them the least pain. Sadly this method might and probably will, be the way that causes you maximum discomfort. Some will reject you to your face, but modern singles might use an impersonal approach such as sending a text or email.

However, most will assume that you just know, that someone else will tell you, write to you, phone you and let you know the interest isn’t there. Letting you figure it out on your own may not be the kindest approach, but it is the path of least resistance and the route most often chosen.

Women have a slight advantage when it comes to dealing with rejection. The opportunity to recognize, deal with and sort out rejection, is often mastered through “girl talk”. Women get together and vent their frustrations with men and feelings about their failed relationships to other females. Women gain sympathetic support, are allowed to cry, explore their feelings without censure, and have their spirits buoyed when friends rail against such “clueless assholes.”

Women leave such ego boosting gatherings feeling confident that it’s his loss and that she is a valuable, important person, a beautiful woman, regardless of a man’s rejection of her.

Sadly, the male community does not provide the same type of sympathetic support system that women provide each other. Men need to understand that the pain of rejection needs their attention, much more than a band-aid provided by pint of cognac, a couple of beers, or some silly and boyish antics.

For most men the fear of being seen as “weak” strikes terror into the deepest part of his ego. This fear of exhibiting anything less than steely strength often forces men to suffer their emotional pain in silence. Men are expected to “suck it up” and deal with rejection without complaint “like a man should.” Crying about being rejected is totally out of the question. But with his hopes dashed, a man will withdraw to lick his wounds. He may become hesitant to risk enduring such pain again.  Getting on with his life and trying again then becomes a major challenge.

Other guys turn the anger and pain of their rejection outward. Some who may have felt entitled to get what they wanted from women will purposely mistreat (“dog”) every female they encounter. Their goal is to “get back” at the gender that they feel is responsible for their wounded heart and shattered feeling of self-worth. These men will often begin behaving in crass, crude, disrespectful ways towards women. Such a man is subsequently labeled a misogynist and avoided by aware women, which merely increases his inability to connect in healthy ways with the opposite sex. His rage at women for rejecting him becomes a vicious cycle.

When a man courageously accepts that he is disappointed by a woman’s lack of interest, or the failure of a relationship, he can begin to address his emotions and do so honestly. It’s a lot like when someone stands up at an AA meeting and says “Hi, my name is XXX, and I am an alcoholic!” Acknowledgement of the injury is the first step to healing. 

Self-Love Is the Best Love

On the road to healing we first have to deal with reality. How do we really feel about the rejection we experienced? Did we approach the situation with a sense of entitlement… after all Mommy always gave us what we wanted, so why won’t these men and women? Did we focus on the outcome (getting what we wanted), instead of the process (getting acquainted)? But most of all, how do we really feel about ourselves?

many dates started off great and ended in rejection

Each of us must love ourselves more than we love any other. And just because someone whose steps have crossed our path doesn’t share our love of ourselves does not mean that each of us isn’t worth loving. Some men and women seek “closure” when a great first date results in no second one, or a budding relationship ends in disappointment. What I wish they could understand is that even if such a closing conversation with their rejecter did take place, it is unlikely that they would ever get the whole truth anyway. Most people are not only dishonest with others, but with themselves.

However you were rejected and for whatever reason you were rejected, there are a few key steps to recovery. These steps won’t stop it from happening again but they will make you a better person for your experience.

#1 — Allow your disappointment and anger to surface. Do not be rude or abrasive towards the person that rejected you, but it is helpful to let your friends and family know that you are in pain, and that if they can constructively help, you welcome their assistance.

#2 — Be kind to yourself even if you know you unintentionally behaved in a way that would warrant rejection. However, don’t pretend to be a wonderful person if you were intentionally harsh and biting with your rejection. Polite consideration of others and their feelings should always be of paramount importance. If you don’t have this interpersonal skill set yet, work on developing it. There is no excuse for a man to approach a woman and for her to give him the up and down, turn to her friend, and scoff at him. There is no excuse for a woman to find out that you aren’t interested in dating her anymore by asking if you can have her best friend’s phone number.

#3 — Be prepared to accept that your rejecter might never know just how much they have hurt you, or want to know, or even care. Chasing someone down for an apology or to ask “why?” is therefore pointless.

#4 — Prepare yourself to feel the sting of rejection but don’t dwell on it. Whatever we focus on in life becomes bigger and stronger. Instead of focusing on pain from the past, focus on polishing your dating skills and learning how to approach the opposite sex in a manner more likely to receive a positive response.

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder


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