Seven Dumb Things Women Tell Each Other About Men and Relationships
Over the years I’ve noticed a repetitive pattern in female to female communications about men and relationships. The “advice” that some women share is negative, self-defeating, and more conducive to eliminating female power in favor of empowering males. Sadly, even as we go into 2011, there are a shocking number of women that believe their lives and they themselves are nothing without a man by their side. These women are willing to sacrifice everything they have, including their bodies, dignity and self-respect, to get or keep a man. For these ladies there is no interest in creating balanced romantic relationships between men and women.
If you have friends or family members that have expressed any of these dangerous attitudes in the past, you should immediately eliminate them from your circle of influence. Low self-esteem is, in my opinion, epidemic amongst females in the United States. Belief systems such as those expressed below do nothing to change that sad statistic.
Low self esteem is the magnet which draws women to be or stay in unrewarding, unhealthy and even abusive relationships with men. Low self esteem makes you prefer feeling lonely, taken for granted, and nursing emotional or physical bruises to being single. For women like these, being single is the worst thing they can imagine, thus being bruised and hurt is seen as the lesser of two evils.
- When He is Jealous, It Means He Cares About You. “Girl I wish my man cared about me like that. He is concerned about you girl. Some of these men don’t even care!” This one is designed to make a woman that feels uncomfortable about how her man reacts to a perceived threat okay with it. Key word here is “perceived” because men that are overly jealous see a threat in every face, in every action, and in everything you wear. Their goal is not to feel less jealous, but to get control. It may start small – with judgmental critical comments about your clothing, your friends, or your makeup. If you are out with your friends or alone, he calls often to “make sure you’re okay,” but what he is really doing is keeping tabs. Most jealous men become abusive, then blame you for “making me jealous.” If your man is acting a jealous fool, demand that he stop acting silly and grow up. Do not feed into it or try to coddle or reassure him. Make sure he understands that his jealousy will cause you to end the relationship. Never believe that his ridiculously jealous reaction means he cares more about you than a man that does not express such sentiments. All it really means is that your man is extremely insecure about himself and most likely has low self esteem.
- If You Get Pregnant For Him, It Shows How Much You Love Him. This is about the silliest mess ever. Why women believe that it is necessary to sacrifice their bodies, their time, their lives and futures to show some jack leg man how much he is loved is beyond my understanding. A baby is not a tool to use to control a man’s whereabouts or to secure a commitment. Look around! Men leave women that are pregnant with their child or that already have a child by them every day of the week! Bottom line ladies, it is not a woman’s responsibility to show a man how much she loves him – it is his responsibility to prove to you that he deserves to have your love. . Children should only become a part of a relationship when HE has shown YOU how much HE LOVES YOU! If a man refuses to marry and legitimize his offspring, the privilege of fatherhood should be denied him without question. For more information read the article “Don’t Be Stupid by Falling for the Baby Momma Okey Doke.”
- Be Freaktastic in Bed… That’s How You Get and Keep a Man. A belief in this nonsense reduces men to nothing but a penis and women to empty vessels good for nothing but sex. Though many men are certainly only after sex from as many women as they can get it, you will never “get” nor “keep” a man by having sex with him. A woman should never expect that having sex with a man will guarantee that you get up the next morning with a committed relationship. Men fall in love with women that tell them “no sex before commitment or marriage” all the time! Reality here is that no matter what kind of porn star moves you do, if a man is not into you emotionally, he won’t be with you for one second longer than it takes to satisfy his sexual needs. Ignore any woman stupid enough to think sex alone will make a man fall in love with you and stay by your side. It hasn’t worked in 2000 years, and it won’t work today either.
- If You Don’t Do It For Him, Some Other Bitch Will! Women make these statements to create a sense of desperation and an environment of anxious fear for other women. Females that believe this nonsense have the lowest self esteem of any group, as they bend and fold themselves into pretzels with the goal of pleasing and keeping the attentions of a man. He will continue to ask you to do more and more, pushing the envelope ever further just because he can. Until you draw the line and establish boundaries and limits, there are men that will take you down as low as they can. When you sacrifice who and what you are to please others you will eventually feel lost, confused and deeply ashamed. A woman must never allow herself to be threatened or coerced into any type of relationship, behavior or sex act that she is not completely comfortable with. Honoring yourself means that you behave in ways that elevate your spirit and pride in yourself. You should never behave in ways that cause you to feel embarrassment, humiliation or shame in an effort to please a man or keep him from leaving. If he wants to go, he is eventually going to go anyway, no matter what you do.
- Be Happy – At Least You Got a Man! Women usually hear this one when they are concerned about how they are being treated by the man in their life and they turn to friends or family for advice. Many women have been socialized to believe that no matter how educated or accomplished they are socially or professionally, they are still considered unsuccessful as a woman because they are single. So what she will hear as advice is “Girl a piece of a man is better than no man at all, stop complaining because he doesn’t make you happy. At least you got a man!” This statement is said with the conviction that having a man should be considered the sole and most important goal for a woman’s life. These women encourage other women to stay in miserable relationships and sacrifice their spirit and very soul just to maintain the alliance, as if this man is a prize stallion instead of a loser. Such women never focus on the male’s character, integrity, morals and values, or devoted respect for his woman – the things that make women happiest in their relationships in the long run.
(Continued on page 2)Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Women's Issues
Keep speaking the truth. Brave woman! All women need to finally hear these things. Who cares if someone thinks you are ‘judgemental and condescending”. No more pandering to the fairy tale, or those who still believe in it; speak your truth, and dam those who don’t want to hear it.
Nice to see your views on children born out of the Ancient and out-dated ‘Wedlock’ are about as archaic and old fashioned as the ritual itself…
‘Legitimize his offspring’ …Meaning?
So Im assuming that before churches or christianity, before marriage and weddings every child was born on earth an illegitimate bastard, until the christians came and gave us God saving us all from eternal damnation and bastardization!?
Seriously, I respect you and your time and efforts. Be careful lest your readership find your tone judgmental and condescending.
I’m wondering why you are even commenting on an article written by a woman for women about women. What does this have to do with you? As usual poking your big nose somewhere it doesn’t belong.
@DamienWilson “Legitimize his offspring’…Meaning?
It means that you don’t need to be making babies and having baby mamas spread all over the planet. You need to keep your sperm to yourself until you are ready to be a father and a husband all in one… Got it? Cool.
@Razzy
Like everyone else who doesnt seem to realise there are different people in this world. You my friend are a fool….
Marriage or the general christian public’s idea of of it does not fall within the scope of my belief system as an Agnostic. There are many throughout history who try to force feed their beliefs to others, Hitler and the Taliban to name some.
How are your ideals and attempts to show me the ‘right’ way to live any different from theirs? (Although I suspect you are probably not a genocidal maniac)
It is frankly insulting to my children that you would call them illegitimate because neither their mother who I have been with for 7 years, nor myself believe in marriage.
My parents were married for 30 years, most of which my father spent beating the crap out of my mum and womanizing…. should my brother and I feel lucky or legitimized because we were born into that mess? Should the children he consequently fathered outside ‘marriage’ feel so unlucky and hard done by that they were not born into it?
“Mums in hospital again.”
“I know its terrible, but it could be worse- At least we are not bastard kids!”
“Yay!!!!”
No.
It takes more than a wedding ring and a party to ‘legitimize’ ones children. Having/making/spending time for/with them, reassuring them, loving them, teaching them, keeping them comfortable and safe.
Not sleeping around and having children elsewhere because, you cannot spread yourself thinly enough to do the above things for more children, never mind keep the existing ones financially secure.
In short, putting their needs before yours.
These are decisions that you make as a man and a decent human being. The ‘agreement’ you have with their mother has little to do with it.
@DamienWilson
A woman is a fool to have babies for a man who will not marry her. It has nothing to do with Christian beliefs at all. Marriage offers legal protection for both the wife and the children, protection that holds men legally responsible should the marriage break down. You wrote a whole lot of nothing to justify you having wifey benefits but too cowardly selfish and self centered to marry the woman. You are not your father so stop hiding behind the excuse for how he treated your mother as a reason for you not getting married. Nowhere in my post did I mention anything about Christianity so stop projecting. Bottom line: When you have kids with a woman, you should marry her. But a lot of black men don’t marry their baby mamas, which is why we have 70% household of single mothers out there. Males like you, like to make babies, but don’t want to marry the mother and create a family unit. This is why the black community is crumbling. Save the sorry rhetoric for someone else. What I see before me, is yet one more male, who is a baby daddy.
@Razzy
Firstly, I said WE DONT BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE. Is it not our right as human beings to have our own beliefs? Or are we just supposed to go along with what you say just because?
Secondly, parents are the ones who are supposed to protect their children, why do we need marriage to do that for us (oh yes in the event that said marriage breaks down) That just sounds backward.
Thirdly, I am not hiding behind anything as a reason for not getting married (see first line).
I merely mentioned my father to show that marriage benefits arent as great as you make out. It is far from “sorry rhetoric”.
Anyway Im getting out of this debate before someone thinks Im Trolling.
@DamienWilson Do you and your baby mama have a legal agreement in place that spells out assets and what would happen should something happen to either of you? If you don’t want to be married, you should still have some sort of legal document drawn up for your woman and children.
What is truly sad is that the women spouting this nonsense really believe it and believe they are helping you and giving good advice. SMH.
Wow LMH, a little disrespectful.
This article raises some really good points and I’m sure it has helped many women. Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction, and understand what men want.
I wish you had a grander stage, woman. I have YET to read common sense put in such a common sense way, yet so convicting. Keep up the good work. As evidenced by the lack of comments, you are saying what needs to be said but not many want to acknowledge.
Thanks Lyndon. I’m working on it!
As a man, husband and father of a young girl I agree with these rules. I have heard rule #3 told so many times and each time I tell woman I have NEVER met a man who married or stayed with a woman for purely sex. Don’t get me wrong it is an important component of a loving supportive relationship but it doesn’t overpower the other attributes such as communication, respect and compatibility.
I haven’t seen women saying no to sex as a drive or incentive for a man to marry either. Among my married friends/associates I have seen a blended approach that go against the no premarital sex theories but also incorporate goals and deadlines in their approach.
And to Pamela NEVER feel you have to hide your accomplishments or achievements. I have dated women above and below me and the main component of the relationship was how we show our love not what our job titles or degrees say. Strive to be your best and find a man who can compliment, support and appreciate it (is my humble advice).
All I can say is Amen to this article. Sadly, I remember as a young woman, falling victim to a lot of these pathetic statements. But I finally realized I have to be happy and I have to be me.
Anyone reading this pathetic list should see that any woman who gives these items as serious advice are saying that all men are pigs. In the same breath we are supposed to be thankful if we can get the attention of and hold on to a pig. That just does not make any sense to me. I have heard most of them over the decades.
My answers to 2-4: I would gladly let some other woman perform that madness. Things get way too complicated.
My favorite one is the one about being a strong woman. I have one undergrad degree and an MBA degree. I guess I was supposed to become a secretary (NOTHING WRONG WITH THE PROFESSION) just so that a man can feel secure. I remember pondering that one seriously (not changing careers) for about a week (decades ago) when I asked myself, Why on earth would I want to be chained to a man that I would have to prop up all the time? Around the same time I was at the last black church I attended when the minister basically said that the race would be better if we as black women would help the brothers out. I left there not too long after that message.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told to stop being so strong or else I’ll never find a man. What I tell these silly women is that I don’t need a man that is intimidated that I know how to fix my own issues whether it’s fixing the sprinkler system or re-routing the dryer vent to he garage. It’s like they are suggesting I wait for a man to come and “rescue” me. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
No S$TT! Best to be alone and happy with your free time, without a dufus to take care of. I always remember this corny saying: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. LOL