Should a Woman Ever Tell Her New Man About a Past Abortion?

. 04/14/2012 . 32 Comments

Having an interesting discussion with a gentleman at an afternoon gathering. Don’t ask me HOW we got on the subject of abortions, let’s just start from where we did.

Anyway, his stance was that when a couple gets together, the woman should tell the man all of the things she has done with her body before he came along. “If the woman has had an abortion I think she needs to disclose that. It is better to let your partner know your dirt up front than for him to find out about it later in the relationship. That is fundamental.”


I said only a stupid woman, one of those stuck on trying to ‘be honest’ would tell a man some stupid, very personal mess like that. Men do not need to know anything that happened with a woman’s crotch before he came along. Men cannot handle it. Anything you tell them, they will later use against you trust me. Men don’t really want to KNOW these things, they just want to have ammunition to use against you to judge your worth and value because they are so stuck on what has gone on between your legs.

So then he comes back and says:

“Well I will just say this: What’s done in the dark will come to light. In most women I know even if they try to keep their secrets inside they can’t. You know what I am saying is true. Women who have been sleeping around in the past before tend to have emotional issues and need to express their feelings. It’s better to express them at the beginning then later on, because it will affect the relationship more. If you feel the guy is going to judge you and look down on you, maybe you shouldn’t be with him in the first place.”

He is correct in one sense, there are many weak-minded women with the disease Diarrhea of the Mouth, or what my mother used to call Loose Lips. She’d always say “loose lips sink ships!” When I got older I totally understood what she meant as I saw woman after woman tell a man way too much information and ruin his fantasy of her being a wonderful woman. It was always about something in the past that did not reflect the woman that she is here and now – always some youthful silliness that she grew past and move on from.Yet these women would find some deep seated NEED to speak on it and destroy their relationships in 10 words or less.

Men are disgusted most of the time at the amount of things women tell. Men say to me frequently “women talk too damn much!” What women do is tell all of their personal business to their men, strangers, coworkers, family, alleged friends, and even their parents. Women really need to learn how to shut up.

There are quite a few things that a woman must never discuss with a man – her man or any other male including her own father or brothers.  The socialization of males makes them believe themselves entitled to judge and condemn women for their actions in the present as well as 50 years in the past. Why subject yourself to such scrutiny and self-esteem lowering condemnation?  Nothing is going to be changed by revealing your secret for yourself, all you are doing is giving someone else something to beat you over the head with. Why would you do that to yourself?

There are times when a woman needs to learn the art of mysteriousness and just plain shut her pie hole. I don’t care how much you love him or how many times he asks you for this information, keep your mouth closed. No woman should EVER tell a man about an abortion in her past. Trust me, there is no mark made on your body, no tag left behind, no way for him to ever know what happened unless you tell him. You should never tell a man anything like that. Nothing about an orgy you went to, the time you experimented with lesbianism, the time you had a threesome, the time you caught gonorrhea from your boyfriend, the time you had a one-night stand – NOTHING. He should never hear about those things because they weren’t his business. And he certainly doesn’t need to hear about an abortion! Wasn’t his, baby, so he doesn’t need to know.

And if he should be so bold as to ask directly, a woman should lie to his face and say ” No. Never had one. Why would you ask? Have you had one?”

What kind of insecurity is at work to make a man that concerned about what happened with the vjayjay before he came along? Leave it alone dudes. You weren’t up in it, wasn’t yo baby, has nothing to do with you and so you don’t deserve an answer to that question.

That’s my take on it. What’s yours?

Deborrah

Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.

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Category: Women's Issues


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