Issue: So-called “good men” frequently complain that women choose style over substance and prefer players. Women counter with “Well at least the playa steps up, which is more than the scary ‘good guys’ afraid of rejection will do!” I am wondering how many of these ‘good guys’ would have been chosen if they had the courage to approach instead of hanging back in fear waiting for a woman to approach them. Do you think a woman should do what they want and approach a man that she thinks is interesting and ask him out?
This HE SAID/SHE SAID column features guest columnist Robert Monroe, dialoguing with dating expert Deborrah Cooper about nice guys and players in the dating pool.
So are you saying that women would rather sit back and wait to be approached by players rather than get off of their butts and find a good man who doesn’t have “game” but has everything else they’re looking for in a man?
Maybe if they’d stop going for the players with “game” they wouldn’t be cheated on so much. It’s the 21st century women…take some personal responsibility. And if women are hearing statements like I wrote from men over and over again, and you aren’t listening there is a problem. Sometimes the men in your lives care about you and are trying to help you avoid being hurt by the ignoramuses out there…if you’d only listen.
But, that’s expecting too much sometimes. That’s why many men don’t bother even when the women in our lives have relationship problems.
As a father to a 7 year old daughter I plan to educate her about players and nice guys, and how to tell the difference. I guess I’ll have to start with teaching her that “assertiveness” and the ability to “man up” shouldn’t translate into dating/marriage/father material.
Then I’ll follow that up with telling her to look for the characteristics that will help her to ascertain whether or not a man is a good guy and approach him if she’s interested. After all, it’s the 21st century and she can be intelligent, strong and ask men out, too.
Women in general fail to listen to the men in their lives giving them advice about other men. I learned a long time ago to listen to the women in my life who gave me advice because they understood women better than I did. The few times I didn’t listen they were quick with the “I told you so!”
Ladies, remember that not all men who are hanging back lack those qualities that a woman is looking for…he may be otherwise occupied and not seeing the woman who is interested in him. At that point it may be up to the woman to make a move.
Personally, there have been times when I was so focused on what I needed to get done in my life that I failed to see a woman who was interested until either she made a move or someone pulled my coat about it.
A woman won’t know a guy is a ‘good guy’ if he doesn’t approach her and let her know. It’s the man’s job in this society to approach the female! That’s women’s perception of manhood – a man going after what he wants with determination and focus. Such behavior shows assertiveness, confidence, charisma and all those things women find masculine and attractive about guys. Those fellas who sit back and act as though their ‘goodness’ is written like a placard across their forehead aren’t doing themselves any justice when it comes to their failure to go after women they want.
Good guys often assume that every man who steps up to a woman is a player! In reality, not every man who approaches a woman is a playa type – it’s just that players display the assertive charismatic traits that many so called ‘good guys’ fail to demonstrate.
The ‘good guys’ sit on the sidelines over-analyzing everything the woman does, says, her hair, clothing, what she might say or do, etc. while the playas have already stepped up and approached with a smile! That could be why playas have more success at women simply because they have the balls to approach.
I’m thinking good guys could take a lesson on how to approach from playas. Not that you have to turn into a playa, but sitting on the side line waiting for some woman to notice you’re a ‘good guy’ isn’t going to cut it at all. A man that sits back and embraces his resentment instead of manning up and stepping up to the woman that HE WANTS is the man that will lose out.
The “good” guys seem to resent that they need to do the work to get a woman and expect their “goodness” to draw a woman in, as if they are entitled to her. Any woman worth having with self-esteem and confidence herself demands to have a man that presents himself as having those qualities as well.
Personally, I want a man that is courageous, strong, determined and confident. He has to at least match my levels of all the above! And a man that hangs back in fear and demands that I step to HIM to ask him out so he won’t be afraid or fear rejection will die waiting.
Women are not here to make men feel unafraid; that is their job to do for themselves. A woman’s job in the dating process is to be her fabulous, sexy self. And if a guy feels he doesn’t measure up, that he will get shot down if he tries to talk to her, that he is not worthy of that type of woman – well that’s his problem. Not mine, nor any other woman’s problem.
Finally, let me address that “too busy to notice a woman interested in me” thing you mentioned. If you are truly focused with other things and not noticing her AT ALL, then even when she DOES approach, your mind and attention will still not be on her. It will remain on whatever it was you were focused on. Men tend to be singularly minded like that and only able to focus on one thing at a time. Scientific studies have proven over and over again that this is how the male brain works.
So when a man is focused on career success, education, whatever, he does not really have time for a woman and the devoted attention she needs to feel loved in a relationship with him. He won’t call her that much, he will be distracted, he will be irritated when she complains about how he doesn’t pay attention to her, etc. He will get angry that she is “bugging” him and ask “can’t she see he is trying to do XYZ” so the relationship goes down in flames.
In closing, I fail to see where it is to a female’s advantage to even attempt to become involved with a man that is not demonstrating interest in her. Men may be flattered by a woman’s approach and feel such behavior is logical and makes sense for her to do, but in the romantic relationship world logic is not the motivator.
A woman chasing after a man that doesn’t notice that she is alive or asking a man out on a date that is not focusing on his feelings for her never works.
Category: Date Smarter, Not Harder