Why do Single Black Women Demand That Men Go to Church With Them?
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I met a woman recently who needed help, she was stranded at a bus stop and I gave her a ride to a train station. There was some good vibes, and strong attraction, and I asked for her number. The issue is, she wants me to go to church, and that’s the only way I can hope to connect with her. I don’t have anything against religion, but I’m not that kind of person. This is the second time I’ve met a Black woman who told me I had to go through Jesus to get to know her. And the thing is, she only became religious recently (her own words), and now I’m expected to have to be on the same thing? I really like her, or I wouldn’t be asking for dating advice. Should I just ditch her?
Sincerely,
Non-Religious Man in Atlanta
Dear Non-Religious Man:
This reminds me of the joke where a guy was in his house and warning of a flood approaching. Police came by to evacuate the residents. He said “no, I am going to stay because God is going to save me!” So then the flood came. With water up to his knees he is standing there. Some people come by in a boat to save him and he sends them away saying “no, God is going to save me.” So then the water rises and he ends up on the roof of his house. A helicopter comes by to save him but he says “no, God is going to save me!” So then he drowns. When he gets to the Pearly Gates he is angry. “God, you were supposed to save me!” And God looks at him like he is crazy and says “What the hell are you talking about? I sent you a car, a boat and a helicopter! Damn!”
LOL!!! So to me, her behavior is just amazing. I talk about this type of thing in my book The Black Church Where Women Pray and Men Prey, delving into the minds of women that lose out on loving relationships and marriage with their Mr. Right because they insist on this “he gotta go to church with me” thing.
I mean, I could see it if all the men (or even the majority) of men in churches were Mr. Perfects, and all (or even the majority) of men outside of churches were all Mr. Dog. But we all know there are dogs in and out of black churches, and Mr. Perfects in and out of black churches as well. So I really don’t understand what the big deal is if a church-going black woman meets a man that refuses to go to church, as long as that man treats her respectfully, loves and honors her, and has other values that would make her happy in a relationship with him.
And people want to come quoting Scripture talking about “that is what God says we are supposed to do!” GTFOH with that mess. You don’t do crap else “God says” which is why your butts are having babies right and left and ain’t never seen a wedding gown, fornicating every time you think about it, lying cheating and stealing too. So why do you all wanna get all sanctified when it comes to this ONE issue?
Lastly, its always those folks that ‘found religion’ recently that are the most uptight and rigid about it. They don’t understand that one’s religious beliefs should be a part of YOUR life, but you do not have to jam it down the throats of everyone you meet, especially men. Don’t they look around and see how few single marriageable men are in black churches? That alone should tell them that they are on the wrong path if a husband and family is what they seek. Ladies, get real!
Bottom line here for you is this: You are a grown man that knows who and what you are, and you are very comfortable with who and what you are. You know that going to church is not something you want to do. So stay true to yourself.
If going to church is not who you are, sir, then you would be right to leave her alone. It’s just like if you met a woman that smoked crack or was a drunk and insisted that you smoke crack or drink too! The fact that she cannot separate herself and her beliefs from a man and his beliefs while respecting the difference makes you two incompatible. There is something she needs right now that she is getting from church. We don’t know what that is, but she seems very dependent upon it, which makes her a poor choice for a mate.
A grown man should never be required to go through Jesus, a pastor or hundreds of people in a congregation just have the opportunity to TALK to a woman he wants to get to know better. It’s not like you are trying to marry her, you just want to get to know her.
Sheesh. I’m over here SMH. With all the women clamoring for God to send them a husband, when the possibility is dropped in your lap and kindness is shown you by a complete stranger, that would seem to be a message. Yet, she like the man that ultimate drowned, is ignoring the gift being sent to her. What a dummy she is.
The exciting new book The Black Church – Where Women Pray and Men Prey contains dozens of real-life stories of sexual abuse by Pastors, Ministers, Bishops, and church members, along with astute observations about the games being run on women in Black churches across the nation. Based on the shocking 2010 blog post The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely! author Deborrah Cooper continues an uncomfortable examination of Christian religion in the black community, non-biblical 
tenets of the prosperity gospel, and the games played by unscrupulous black preachers. It’s a page turner, but not everyone will have the stomach for it. Some women are afraid of what they might find when they pull back the curtain, and aren’t willing to question their blind faith in the men of their church. Neither are some able to understand that they must stop worshiping their pastors because these men are NOT God. However, for those women brave enough to question their religious leaders, willing to take a look at what is going on at their churches, and strong enough to demand protection from predatory men for women and children within the walls of the House of God, this book is right on time.
Deborrah
Veteran social researcher, relationship advice columnist, author and radio host. Author of hundreds of articles on American and black culture, gender issues, singles, dating and relationships. Author of "Sucka Free Love!" , "The 24 Types of Suckas to Avoid," "The Black Church - Where Women Pray and Men Pray," and "Why Vegan is the New Black" all available on Amazon.Com. Her unique voice and insightful commentary have delighted fans and riled haters for 20 years. Read her stuff on SurvivingDating.Com and AskHeartBeat.Com.
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Category: Dating Advice, The Black Church
Great post, Razzy! I whole-heartedly agree. I, too, walked away from religion about 10 years ago and it was the most liberating thing I could have done. I think its an institution set up to perpetuate fear and maintain control over the masses. It is especially disturbing to see it so prevalent in the black culture as this was an essential tool in justifying slavery and violence. To each his own, but I applaud those that doubt, question, critically think and analyze a thing, than to blindly follow it.
I give you/he an ‘example’—if she was a Torah, ‘ Moses–Old testament’ Jew and he was a “Marxist, liberal’ Jew—then he would have been OFF LIMITS. She did that to ‘test him’—Orthodox Jews go with Orthodox Jews….they would light the Shabbat candles on Fri night at Sundown, etc–Liberal Jews would be in liberal causes only ‘good or bad’
@zipporah Girl we ain’t talking bout no jews here. You all off on some whole other tangent. We are talking about a black man and a black woman. What you said has no relevance to ‘this particular situation’.
@zipporah what that does this have to do with Judaism? Besides, this is about Black women demanding a man go to church. Notice in the column, the woman only recently became “saved”. In my experience, truly religious people don’t try to force their ways on others. But deceptive people use religion to do so.
I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve heard growing up, back when I was involved in religion, before I knew better, how often it gets touted in the church, that women must look for ‘god fearing men. People who went to church regularly often looked down on people who didn’t set foot up in the church doors. It didn’t matter if those people were decent productive law abiding citizens. They were considered lower than low, because they didn’t ‘attend church’. I tell you religious folk are the most snobbish people on the planet and the most hypocritical. They think because they go to church, ‘talk the religious talk’, then they are better than anyone else… they are right and everyone else is wrong.
You are right, that woman is hella stupid. Let her stay in her church looking up in passa’s face while she passes by decent men. I personally don’t see the need for church. Been there done, that, and now I see the ‘light’. And for me that is not participating in religion.
Who needs to go sit in some pew listening to some passa spew rhetoric aimed at making you feel small, feel like you’re a bad person, that something is wrong with you, and that no matter what you do, you are still not worthy in ‘christ’s eyes.. and that you must ‘accept christ and come to jesus in order to be ‘saved’.
It took me some time, but then I realized… WTF? Saved from what? I’m a law abiding productive successful, kind hearted person who does good work in my community, with my family and friends. I am successful and educated.. What the fuck do I need to be saved from? I haven’t done anything. But that is the power of religion.. It’s aim is to subjugate and it does it by always making people feel belittled. So is it any wonder that a man who has his shit together has little time to sit in a pew and allow some other man in the pulpit to make him feel small? Hell I never liked it when I was growing up in it. And always questioned that religious rhetoric
Personally I think people default to religion because it’s all they know. Their parents, grandparents, great granparents and ancestors did it. So it’s done out of habit and rituals. Nobody ever questions religion.. people just do it because it’s always been done. People sleepwalk through religion never really questionining why they are engaging in a mindset aimed at tearing them down in order to supposedly build them up. Jedi Mind tricks…
Seneca had it right 100 years BC “Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful”